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Thread: is he trying to ease me into "friend zone?"

  1. #11
    Nothisdoormat
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    Quote Originally Posted by uncomfynumb [Register to see the link]
    He did it once and you took him back. There was no lesson learned here. You taught him that he can disrespect you and you'll fight for him.
    no thanks, not for me.
    Uncomfynumb, KUDOS! to you for not settling for second best.

    Maria2216, Did I miss something? I didn't get anywhere in your post that you settled for second best or was disrespected by your ex while remaining friends with him. So, when you said you remained friends with your ex, I'm taking it you meant you were civil or "friendly" when he called you and not hostile or angry? Not "friendly" as in a friend/doormat type position. Correct?

    My reason for asking is because my ex never stopped calling me. Actually, the next morning, he called according to schedule, and never stopped until I stressed that we both needed space. In doing that, I actually turned it all around and got my power back and went NC from there for awhile. NC regained my power. But it pulled him back slowly over the months that followed. Finally, a few weeks ago, he asked to see me. Tuesday, I could hear the disappointment in his voice when I sent him a text and he realized I was already halfway home (over 40 miles away). He wanted to know why I didn't call him.

    My gut is not that he's friend-zoning me, but something isn't right. But maybe it's within my viewpoint and not what is actually taking place. I'm just not a very patient person. Time to get busy with other things as I had been before our lunch meeting.



    -Sole

  2. 07-29-2010, 01:19 PM
    Reason
    Troll

  3. #12
    maria2216
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    Uncomfynumb - Interesting look at things and i guess you are right to an extent, but I dont generally view things like that or as pointscoring. Im an optimist by nature so yes I see your point, but believe I am the better person for holding my head high and not letting him see he had affected me.

    Sole - Correct. I never settled for second best. I spent the most difficult 8 months of my life fighting so goddamn hard for him!

    We werent "friends' by any means, however I was always polite and positive when he called. I might stress that I NEVER initiated contact with him (I have too much pride for that) and NEVER let on that I missed him or anything like that. I used positive words if our relationship was ever brought up, such as "oh, Im sure she suits your needs better than I must have" or after they had broken up "Dont worry, you are a good person and you will find someone else" other signs that I was moving on (In truth it absolutely KILLED me talking like that.)

    Other times I told him that it was best we didnt speak as much as we both needed to move on, or if he asked my opinion about something I would give him a brief overview, and then say something like "but Im not part of your life anymore so my opinion is irrelevant"

    You need to get busy with your new 'life'. Dont laugh, but I used to make lists of all the great things I had been doing (some exaggerated), so that when/if he called, I had heaps of things to say, even though I was dying of depression on the inside.

    If it is moving too slowly for you, when he does call keep it very short and sweet, make sure YOU always end the call (because you have so many great things going on that you dont have time to speak).

    One thing that I also said to my ex was that he needed to stop calling me, because by breaking up with me he had decided that he didnt want me as part of his life... that always kills them!!!

    My best advice would be:
    DONT be negative - there will be a time to talk about how hurt you were AFTER you reconcile (and I think you will). This really does only just push them away and make them feel pressured.
    DONT bring up the relationship unless its as I advised earlier ( i noticed that every time I brought up the relationship the phone calls dropped off)
    PRETEND you are totally cool with everything
    DONT initiate contact - let HIM come to you, remnember he has to prove that he wants to be there... and this will start by his attempts at contact.
    Be nice, not too nice but civil.

  4. #13
    maria2216
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    One other point I will stress

    IT REALLY DOES TAKE TIME. In my case, around 9 months.. after the hurt has dissipated and there isnt as much anger there... if you reconcile too soon I think that the issues that were present at the breakup will be unresolved.

  5. #14
    Nothisdoormat
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    Quote Originally Posted by maria2216 [Register to see the link]
    One other point I will stress

    IT REALLY DOES TAKE TIME. In my case, around 9 months.. after the hurt has dissipated and there isnt as much anger there... if you reconcile too soon I think that the issues that were present at the breakup will be unresolved.

    You're right. It has taken my ex about 6 months to begin asking to see me or to say he wants to see me. (We broke up in January 2010) When he asked me to meet him for lunch and said he didn't want to have to take "no" for an answer - I was shocked.

    Immediately after the breakup, his phone calls further encouraged me to continue NC, but at a point I got agitated at his continued calls and I wrote him a letter telling him I respected his request for space and needed him to likewise respect my need for space in order to move on with my life. I think he made it 3 days without calling....never stopped since. For the first 2-3 months, I let his calls go into voicemail. He always needed to talk to me or wanted to talk to me. Finally, when I went ENC and occasionally returned his call, he would ask me why I never call him?

    Are we twins? We've used similar strategies in moving on after the breakup. Moving on and always sounding happy and busy is what kept my ex calling also. He calls and will stay on the phone for an hour or so if I don't cut the convo short. But I eventually say I have to go. He'll ask me what I'm going to do when I get off the phone and I'll say I'm getting ready to go somewhere or I'll just say it's time for "me-time" - letting him know my needs are firstplace.

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