Question to women about men with lower earnings

I know that not all women are same but I am trying to get very honest responses from women here and get an idea based on that.

Currently I feel very down after learning about what happened to my friend with the girl he liked. He liked a girl that works in his company. They were dating on and off for around 2 years but never got into a serious relationship. He truly liked her and always bought her small gifts, took her out for lovely dates, bought her soup and sandwich and took care of her when she fell sick, etc. In all he was so amazing to her but she never committed to a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him. He finally lost his patience yesterday and asked her where he stood with her and the answer she gave him blew his (and my) mind.

So basically it all came down to money. In the company they work she is one step above him. Like if he is Staff Level 1 she is Staff Level 2. And also she joined the company before it went public and so has more stock options. During the conversation yesterday she basically told him that she earns more than him and also has much more money than him in the form of Options and hence foresees financial trouble in the future. She said that since he is one level below her and has not moved up she is afraid he is not her equal. She has enough money now to put down for a mortgage and is questioning whether he is capable of the same. Since she earns more than him she said that he cannot provide for her and she cannot look up to him... Essentially she has ruled him out because of his position and the amount of money he makes. Apparently she also told him that she does not like his friends (including me) because we are of no use to him. She wants him to hang out with his manager, manager's manager, director, other senior staff so that they can help him move up..

I was just so shocked to hear all this. I mean, if he was just out of college and looking for a job then it makes sense but the difference between them is just 1 level. But he is telling that most women would not like to be involved with a man that earns less than them. Because if they do they will feel like the breadwinner and cannot look up to him. He had tears in his eyes when he told all this to me today..

Ladies please be honest and give your opinions. If a guy earns less than you would you rule him out??? In this age of equality and with women earning and being independent I am struggling to understand the concept of women expecting the guy to provide for them and take care of them. What exactly does that mean? Does it mean that the women gets to keep all her earnings and the guy needs to shell out his money and provide for her? And what exactly happens if the man's earnings and stock options are less than that of a woman??

I am really worried and am wondering what will happen to me as my position is not too different from him. Would really appreciate honest comments and feedback.

Thanks!

I don't think money or position is important UNLESS the person has no ambition to grow. My ex was making half what I was making and I did not have an issue with it until I found out he was lazy and did not want to move up. He wanted a comfortable easy job and was too afraid to take a step forward. That is a big turn off for me and that was one of the reason I broke up with him. Had he shown more ambition and life (not just about his job) it would not have mattered.

I wouldn't, not based on money because money isn't important to me.

BUT

I understand ambition and I prefer guys who are just as ambitious as me. The guy I'm seeing is more ambitious and it freaks me out a little. I think that it's understandable that someone who's ambitious would prefer someone who's as ambitious as they are.

I wouldn't make a conclusion that women want someone who earn more. I would conclude that everybody is different and have different values. He's obviously okay with an average-joe lifestyle, but she isn't.

Although, you can say that what good-looks is to men, is money and power to women.

I don't think money or position is important UNLESS the person has no ambition to grow. My ex was making half what I was making and I did not have an issue with it until I found out he was lazy and did not want to move up. He wanted a comfortable easy job and was too afraid to take a step forward. That is a big turn off for me and that was one of the reason I broke up with him. Had he shown more ambition and life (not just about his job) it would not have mattered.

Ok let's say that he really tried hard and his manager has promised him that in the next performance review he will most likely be given a promotion. Now what would you do?

My main question though is if women date down?? How does the dynamics change when the woman earns more money than the man??

My husband makes roughly half what I make. It makes no difference to me as we live the kind of life we like, both of us have jobs we love and we're happy. I've never even known or dated a guy with "stock options" so it's never even crossed my mind to be an evaluation criteria of a partner.

My best bet is that this girl really wasn't inlove with your friends. To date someone for 2 years and then decide they don't fit your pay grade is unusual, at best. Most people would have determined already that either you weren't suitable in the first place or that it didn't matter. Regardless, I'm guessing there wasn't much love on her end to be able to do that (and to give him "you don't make enough" as a reason...ouch!!)

I wouldn't, not based on money because money isn't important to me.

 

 

BUT

I understand ambition and I prefer guys who are just as ambitious as me. The guy I'm seeing is more ambitious and it freaks me out a little. I think that it's understandable that someone who's ambitious would prefer someone who's as ambitious as they are.

 

I wouldn't make a conclusion that women want someone who earn more. I would conclude that everybody is different and have different values. He's obviously okay with an average-joe lifestyle, but she isn't.

 

Although, you can say that what good-looks is to men, money and power is to women.

I understand that men go after looks. But in this case it is just bizarre. She is an ordinary looking woman and he is just 1 level below her.

I also like good looking women. But there is no way I will tell a woman "Right now you weigh X lbs. Once you hit the gym and lose some weight and come down to Y lbs I will consider a serious relationship with you".

successful women i know do not want to date down (financially speaking). I think dating her for 2 years and no commitment should've tipped him off, though, that it wasn't going to happen with her.

successful women i know do not want to date down (financially speaking)

This is exactly what I want to know. Is this seriously true????

I understand that men go after looks. But in this case it is just bizarre. She is an ordinary looking woman and he is just 1 level below her.

 

I also like good looking women. But there is no way I will tell a woman "Right now you weigh X lbs. Once you hit the gym and lose some weight and come down to Y lbs I will consider a serious relationship with you".

 

No, but chances are you're not even going to give her a go to begin with, if you consider yourself to be much better looking than her. I see that all the time with my guy friends. They get upset when the girls turn them down due to their height or whatever, but they in-turn also have superficial standards as well.

When I met my husband, his divorce was not-quite-final, he was living with his grandmother, and working as an assistant manager at retail for $8.50/hour.

I was making...oh...$40k ish and was a radio dj doing shows on 3 different stations in 3 different parts of the country, thanks to the miracle of "voicetracking"

What he made never entered into the equation. We were a good fit.

Been married 8 years now. Some years, he has made more money than me, some years I made more money, some years we made about the same. Doesn't matter....it all goes into the same pile.

So right there it oughta tell you that it's not "all women." It comes down to the individual female in question.

Your friend's gf is in for a rude awakening when life inevitably throws her a curve ball - an unexpected job loss or cut back, a life altering accident or illness - or any of a number of other things that happen to people.

Girlfriend needs to learn some humility, IMO....and if she doesn't do it on her own, I imagine that, at some point, life will teach her some hard lessons about these kinds of things.

I will be honest. It's not the difference in paycheck that matters to me so much as the type of job and how career oriented they are. At the current moment I make double what my husband makes, but it's fine with me because he has a steady professional-type of job. I probably would not be ok with being with someone who had a job like working at a fast food store. Bottom of the barrel type of job, with no ambition to go further. I consider myself to be pretty career oriented, focused on getting the job done and hopefully promoted in a year. And I'd like to be with someone similar.

I'm not saying the guy should totally suck up, but really if he wants to progress in his job, maybe he should spend more time flying with the eagles (the bosses). Doesn't mean he can't see you anymore. And if this girl wants to be with someone more similar to herself, that's her choice. He doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to.

Ok for women that replied it does not matter to them can you please tell this. Let's say you get married to your man. He earns less than you and also has less Stock Options. He really would not be in a position to contribute equally to the mortgage and contribute equally to the bills. So it will be YOU that will carry more than half of the financial burden.. Are you ok with this? Wouldn't you feel that he is the man and he is the one that is supposed to provide for you?? Wouldn't you feel superior to him??

Honestly this was one of the reasons I wouldn't move forward with my ex. He kept pressuring me about moving forward and I couldn't because of his financial situation. He is a manager at a basic retail restaurant, and he make okay money but I made more than him, had more education than him and so on. It bothered me, because he is an ambitious person, but when the recession came and hit the industry he was in, caused him to lose his job, his finances fell through a hole, and other issues, I feel as if he sunk into some type of depression and felt like a loser/failure and just "lost" any ambition and motivation to move forward. I was understanding at first. But then I got a little fed up. I was never going to move forward with him--and still won't--until he gets his financial position and career together.

It may sound callous, but as much as you love someone, finances are one of the biggest causes of divorce, and tension in a marriage. It isn't so much that I don't want to a breadwinner, it's more along the lines of I don't want a person content with low salary, minimum wage positions and that has little ambition to move forward.

I want someone with the same financial goes as I. I want someone that has a similar drive--in terms of moving forward.

I don't think it's wrong to feel that way...

This is exactly what I want to know. Is this seriously true????

Everyones different, but for the women I know, yes. They are used to a certain lifestyle and want to travel and own a home, etc.

But sure there are exceptions.

Everyones different, but for the women I know, yes. They are used to a certain lifestyle and want to travel and own a home, etc.

 

But sure there are exceptions.

My question is this - Since the woman is independent and can earn well why does it matter about the man's salary? I can understand if he is not working but if it is just less why would it matter? and why is the expectation for the man to provide when she makes more money???

Ok for women that replied it does not matter to them can you please tell this. Let's say you get married to your man. He earns less than you and also has less Stock Options. He really would not be in a position to contribute equally to the mortgage and contribute equally to the bills. So it will be YOU that will carry more than half of the financial burden.. Are you ok with this? Wouldn't you feel that he is the man and he is the one that is supposed to provide for you?? Wouldn't you feel superior to him??

To feel superior to my husband I would need to believe that money was the number one or only criteria of equality in our marriage and that my job, because it pays more, indicates that I'm more valueable as a person than he is.

I do not believe those things and do not feel superior. We support each other in so many ways that it would be unfair to say "I paid this bill and you only paid this bill"....we'd be headed straight for divorce court with that kind of belittling, diminishment and devaluing of each other. It doesn't happen to be a problem in our relationship and I do not feel like a better or superior person for having a job that happens to pay more than his.

To feel superior to my husband I would need to believe that money was the number one or only criteria of equality in our marriage and that my job, because it pays more, indicates that I'm more valueable as a person than he is.

I do not believe those things and do not feel superior. We support each other in so many ways that it would be unfair to say "I paid this bill and you only paid this bill"....we'd be headed straight for divorce court with that kind of belittling, diminishment and devaluing of each other. It doesn't happen to be a problem in our relationship and I do not feel like a better or superior person for having a job that happens to pay more than his.

I feel so tempted to send this awesome post to that girl

She even had the nerve to tell him "Do you know X? I would rather be with him instead of you because he is Staff Level 5 and has XYZ stocks. He is well accomplished but unfortunately he is married".

My question is this - Since the woman is independent and can earn well why does it matter about the man's salary? I can understand if he is not working but if it is just less why would it matter? and why is the expectation for the man to provide when she makes more money???

I don't think she would want him to provide, just be an equal breadwinner.

I don't think she would want him to provide, just be an equal breadwinner.

Then what does it mean when she says "I am sorry but you cannot provide me with the lifestyle I want"? and this:

They are used to a certain lifestyle and want to travel and own a home

Ok for women that replied it does not matter to them can you please tell this. Let's say you get married to your man. He earns less than you and also has less Stock Options. He really would not be in a position to contribute equally to the mortgage and contribute equally to the bills. So it will be YOU that will carry more than half of the financial burden.. Are you ok with this? Wouldn't you feel that he is the man and he is the one that is supposed to provide for you?? Wouldn't you feel superior to him??

Uh, our house is in my name.

The downpayment money came from money I saved prior to ever meeting him.

It is not MY house...It's OUR house, period, end of sentence.

If you are talking about marriage, then you have got to get rid of this yours/mine mindset...and the idea that one is superior to the other.

YOU'RE ON THE SAME FREAKIN' TEAM.

If someone can't wrap their mind around that concept, they're probably not ready to be married.

What's important is that you are both doing what you can to make a comfortable life for your family (whether that family be you and a partner...or you and a partner and children.).

I'm sorry, but the getting hung up on dividing things equally, right down the middle or "he's the man, so he has to bring in more" thinking is just so out of touch with the day-to-day and year-to-year reality I've experienced being married and having life happen....

It's almost like one of those simple things people focus on because it's easy and visible....but it's not the real problem and/or what really matters...because dealing with those kinds of things is complex and messy and hard and painful and takes time and means we have to confront some maybe not-so-nice things about ourselves or people in our lives.

If that kind of bookkeeping is important to someone, it's their choice to decide that for themselves. But having the ideal financial balance between a male and female is no guarantee of a happy, lasting relationship.

Like I said before, life has a way of throwing you curveballs that can knock your perfect plans out of whack so fast you won't know what hit you.

The problem is how much someone makes is only part of the equation.

How they manage it is another (very large) part.

I used to make more money than I do now, but I managed it poorly. Getting downsized and having to rebuild has made me a much better money manager.

I make less now, but manage it much better and that is making a huge difference in our financial picture.

Then what does it mean when she says "I am sorry but you cannot provide me with the lifestyle I want"? and this

 

It means she doesn't want to vacation at Disney World and live in an apartment and have her kids go to public schools, i guess. Honestly, I don't really know. Im just speculating.

It means she doesn't want to vacation at Disney World and live in an apartment and have her kids go to public schools, i guess. Honestly, I don't really know. Im just speculating.

See this always confuses me. I have heard some women say "I am a successful and independent woman" but they also seem to say to the guy "Sorry but you cannot provide me with a lifestyle that I want". This would make sense if the guy works and she does not. But I don't understand it when the woman is successful and independent and earns well

Apparently his girl does not think of them as a team but rather as individuals. She never even went to the stage of boyfriend-girlfriend after 2 years of on/off dating. She told him that since he earns less than her she will feel like the breadwinner and does not want a man like that.

Apparently his girl does not think of them as a team but rather as individuals. She never even went to the stage of boyfriend-girlfriend after 2 years of on/off dating. She told him that since he earns less than her she will feel like the breadwinner and does not want a man like that.

She is just one woman. Don't let her effect (affect? I always confuse those) what you think about women in general. It says something huge about her that she wants and is seeking inequality on some level (her being the "lesser" person in her eyes while the other guy "provides her with the lifestyle she wants")...she doesn't want an equal partner!! Your friend should count his blessings as he moves forward and you should not let this make you fearful about women/dating/settling down/your salary/stock options or anything else.