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If you truly loved the person...


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...and they decide to leave, shouldn't we ultimately wish them nothing but happiness and love? Or are we too caught up in loving the actual relationship and having a companion?

 

I guess I've come to this conclusion recently that I never loved the person that I was going to marry, as awful as that may sound. I just loved her being there with me and the companionship she offered. And that's why I begged her to stay because I didn't want to lose something like that.

 

But if I truly loved her, I should have let her go and wished her the best.

 

Am I in the wrong about this?

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Only you can know whether or not you loved her. I can definitely relate to the painful feeling of losing the comfort and security of having another person around. Maybe it's not her that I miss...maybe it's what she offered that I'm missing so much. Today, I drove to Target, bought some household things and went to lunch...by myself. It was really hard, not so much because my ex herself wasn't there but because no one was there. I didn't have a woman to share my day with. That's the hardest part of my breakup...the being alone.

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Only you can know whether or not you loved her. I can definitely relate to the painful feeling of losing the comfort and security of having another person around. Maybe it's not her that I miss...maybe it's what she offered that I'm missing so much. Today, I drove to Target, bought some household things and went to lunch...by myself. It was really hard, not so much because my ex herself wasn't there but because no one was there. I didn't have a woman to share my day with. That's the hardest part of my breakup...the being alone.

 

I hear ya.I have no guy to take me out anymore and the comfort...

 

i really miss that..i miss all that we used to do.

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Yes and No.... I can now look at those I dated in the past and think nothing but positive thoughts for them... because I have moved on, they are no longer a part of me nor do I love them as strongly. However, with those I have loved in any kind of relationship, I will feel pain regardless because even If I do wish them the best and happiness, it is a realization that they had to let me go or vice versa to reach that point of contentment. It doesn't mean I loved them any less.

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Only you can know whether or not you loved her. I can definitely relate to the painful feeling of losing the comfort and security of having another person around. Maybe it's not her that I miss...maybe it's what she offered that I'm missing so much. Today, I drove to Target, bought some household things and went to lunch...by myself. It was really hard, not so much because my ex herself wasn't there but because no one was there. I didn't have a woman to share my day with. That's the hardest part of my breakup...the being alone.

 

Right exactly. I was alone for about 2 years before my ex, and the funny thing was when I was in the relationship with my ex I actually missed being alone...however now being alone again I do miss sharing the day or something new I may have learned. Just as she would share herself to me.

 

That's the thing I miss having was the companionship, but I don't miss her the actual person that she was.

 

Anyway, all I'm saying is that if the love of my life decided to leave and I truly loved her for who she was, I think I could only be supportive of that because I would want her to be happy. Of course I would be sad from the loss of the relationship, but if I really cared for her I would want her to be happy.

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I think if you love them eventually you will be okay with them going off and doing what they need to do. I mean ultimately if you love and care about them you do want them to be happy. Trying to keep them around, isn't a bad thing though, it's the logical, normal response at the time.

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No one should make you whole, that should come from within. People can add to our lives but they are not the other half that makes us whole.

 

I agree with you, you have to love yourself. It was fun hearing my partner always tell me I'm her better half...so where was your other half when I wasn't there before?

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Honestly... I think it depends on how they left you.

 

I know I loved my ex deeply. I could look in her eyes for hours just thinking what a wonderful person she is and I will make sure (my best) that she is happy.

 

I may have succeeded like 95% at keeping her happy (from what I could do). But it wasn't enough for her.

 

Unfortunately, the way she left me (and went to some other guy), the timing of it and the behavior right around the time she dumped me totally changed my perspective about her. That's the problem!

 

I know what you saying - if we love them, we should let them go and let them be happy. But if they treated you like crap and cowardly walked away with someone else, then it becomes very difficult.

 

sorry.. I am rambling....

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I know what you saying - if we love them, we should let them go and let them be happy. But if they treated you like crap and cowardly walked away with someone else, then it becomes very difficult.

 

Yeah mine was a difficult one as well, because she jumped into a LTR straight away with another guy. It becomes a bit more complicated because in the back of your mind you want them to deserve bad because they treated you bad after the breakup.

 

I've learned if these people want to walk out of my life, I will let them go. Especially when you know you did everything you could for them and tried to be the best for them. They'll realize what they had, it's that whole "you don't know what you have until its gone". I can tell you what, in a few years time you won't even remember who that person was and will tell yourself what you were even thinking dating that person.

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one hundred percent in agreement with you.

 

The problem is - she was my first... mostly likely won't forget that...

 

And she left me over a call one night and within 48 hours she was on a flight with someone else... so you can imagine how it feels....

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one hundred percent in agreement with you.

 

The problem is - she was my first... mostly likely won't forget that...

 

And she left me over a call one night and within 48 hours she was on a flight with someone else... so you can imagine how it feels....

 

I understand how that feels and believe me I sympathize with you. But don't stay in that depressed state for too long though. You have to get up and go on with your life. Like I said if someone like your ex wants to walk out of your life like that, then they really don't deserve to have you right?

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I have been trying Exchange.

Some other situations in life - around career/money/family haven't helped me become free ...

 

I have been trying to date but something or the other goes wrong there too... so right now i can't help but think i will remain single my whole life..

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Just remember that those you have dated or have made attempts to date were not the right person for you. Sometimes it could take dating 200 women to find the right one, maybe you won't find the right one until you are in your 50s. Other people are fortunate enough not to date so many, but take away from these dates experience and knowing what you want out of your future partner. Becuase when that person does come accross, and you already know what you want, how much more beautiful will that person be then.

 

Also I don't see why you need to have a relationship, what is so bad with being alone? What is so bad waiting on that person to come into your life?

 

I understand other situations in your life have impaired you from becoming free in a sense, but take alook at those situations and find out how you can fix them for the better. Remember its time to make a better you. And if you can better yourself, how much more appealing will you be to your future partner?

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I can't say there won't be things you won't miss about having a girlfriend, but you have to be optimistic about this too. Keep the faith that you will find someone out there who is deserving of you, who wants to hear you share your internal struggle/emotions and wants to cuddle. That's all you have right now is that belief, don't give up on that hope.

 

However don't get too caught up in that hope either, do some things for yourself in the meantime.

 

What kind of stuff are you working on?

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I know what you saying - if we love them, we should let them go and let them be happy. But if they treated you like crap and cowardly walked away with someone else, then it becomes very difficult.

 

Well, I don't think that's the only time at which it becomes very difficult to let go. What if the ex was a good, warm person who treated you well? It becomes very hard to let them go and be happy because it makes you wonder how you lost such a good thing. I feel like if my ex treated me like crap and went for someone else, I would lose all respect and actually be able to let go. But maybe that's just me.

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Yeah, that's a good point and I think about that often. For me, it sucks because I honestly think that, despite my problems, I did love the last two men I dated. I hate the last one, now, but I actually do care about him apart from me and want him to get his life together--with or without me--even though he cheated, lied, and treated me like crud a lot of the time. It makes me wonder how I could love him. God in me? Codependency? I don't know. But I think you're right. I don't want to hijack the thread, but it's definitely something to think about.

 

I know I loved my ex fiance because I want him to be happy even now. I don't feel indifferent towards him and I would be there for him even if I didn't get the credit. I just want things to go well for him and am invested in him emotionally, regardless.

 

This makes me think I must actually know how to love. There are plenty of reasons to dislike people and I still love them even while I am hating them. I wish more people could love like this. Not saying I have perfect love, but I wish people could look past the walls and brokeness and messed up parts of me and love me. I know my ex fiance did, but I pray I can find someone like that again who is healthy enough to stay.

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Hey (Exchange)

 

Its nice to 'meet' you....I like the way you post.....

 

My ex did the same man...and they are still together 1.6 years on, and I am still alone, however:

Keep the faith that you will find someone out there who is deserving of you, who wants to hear you share your internal struggle/emotions and wants to cuddle. That's all you have right now is that belief, don't give up on that hope.

This is great..! This is the only way forward...The Universe needs us to be content and open to new love for it to manifest....

 

I dont know about 'wishing them well', probably rather just try to completely forget about them....for a lonnng time* lol

 

But hate only leads to the dark side and stops us really moving forward to more peaceful, relaxed and happy lives....

 

I can look back on other ex's and not feel much at all, so I am sure that in time I can do the same with this one...*

 

It's funny coz I really have started to feel at peace these days, and a gorgeous girl may have now come into my life....See how we go

 

Regards

K2*

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I agree. But then again, I disagree. I think you can love someone and want them to find happiness, want the best for them, and so on. But on the same hand, UNLESS the relationship ended because you and that person were incompatible or just couldn't make it work, then I suspect that because you STILL love that person you want to be with them so much so that you may not be ready to let them go. In some cases yes you not letting them go is preventing their happiness. But if the relationship genuinely was a good loving relationship but due to personal problems, GIGs, and/or distance, I suppose that it's perfectly natural to want to preserve the relationship with the one you love.

I think it's selfish, no doubt, when you try to keep someone who you know you'll never be able to make it work with. all the time we see relationships that ended primarily because one person did that other person completely wrong, and yet that person still wants to make the relationship work. In that case, KNOWING that by staying with that person your sentencing them to years of anguish, frustration, and so on, that is NOT love. But wanting to be with someone, for genuine reasons, because you KNOW and FEEL that you can make it work, and not wanting to let them go, but understanding if they "need" to go does not mean that you don't love that person. On the contrary I think it means you love them a ton. So much so that you want to still try again.

 

I'm on a break with my guy, and I love him. I love him so much so that if during this break he met someone else that made him happier than me and complemented him more that I would be happy for him. On the other hand because I love him so much, and because I do believe we can make it work, once we resolve our own issues, I still want to be with him. He feels the same.

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If someone wants a divorce or to leave that there's really nothing to be done, pleading will only push them farther away. When I got divorced I tried to convince my ex to stay for a year after she'd moved out and was living with her BF. When that broke up and she moved in with someone else I finally got the message that she didn't want to be with me. I moved and started over. The last time I saw her was 13 years ago at the divorce. It was painful as I still didn't want the divorce, but I left with some dignity, and I believe that she is far happier that she ever was when we were married.

 

The sad thing is that she Facebook friended me about a year ago. We swap the odd posting, but I still have the odd pang when I read that she is going to a wedding or doing something with her family because I'm no longer part of that. I suppose I'm still in love with my memory of her 13 years ago.

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