Moving into his house

My boyfriend wants me to move in with him during late August. We've been officially together since March. I moved in with my last boyfriend after six weeks of dating, and we lived together for 1.5 years. I'd be more than happy to live with my current boyfriend, but my issue right now with it is that I'd be moving into HIS house...we would not be moving into a neutral property that we'd make into a home together. He's 8 years my senior and is already very well established, and has owned a home for a few years now. I have spent a lot of time over at his place...but I have always viewed it as HIS place...

How do I get to viewing it as "our place" which is what it would become if I were to move in with him? Any perspective would be appreciated. Keep in mind I DO want to live with him, it is the mental hurdle of considering it a shared space, our home...and not feeling like a guest.

I know this isn't what you're asking, but I feel that I have to say something.

I remember you posting about your break-up very well. However, I noticed that just two months ago (in May), you posted that you were still in love with your ex and had decided to stay single. Even less than a month ago you were still talking about how hurt you are that he is not talking to you.

I do NOT think it is the right time for you to move in with your boyfriend. I don't know exactly what kind of relationship you have with him, but clearly 2 months ago you considered yourself single, so it must have been somewhat on and off. I think it is way too soon in the relationship and way too soon after your break-up, especially given the feelings you've expressed on this board.

I started seeing my current boyfriend in March. I had two rebounds before that---in December and February. In March it was dating, since May it has been a relationship. I am still VERY hurt that my ex will not speak with me, because I feel I caused hatred within him that I will never be able to soften. I don't like to lose anyone who was close to me. My current boyfriend knows my feelings on that matter completely. I totally understand your concern, but I would still like my initial question considered. I may hold off on moving in for a bit, but even still, the same situation would present itself in terms of it being "his" house. Keep in mind I moved in with my ex after six weeks of dating, and we lived together for 1.5 years. I'm not saying that's always the best way to go (quickly) but that was my experience.

So it will be yours after you move in (in all but financial terms)?

How does your boyfriend feel, has he suggested ways of ensuring it becomes equal?

He's the one who suggested the move-in. He said he feels really good about sharing a home with me, so it would be our space, but I still feel like it's his home, which may be the financial aspect. I already spend at least two nights per week at "his place" so I am comfortable there, and obviously very comfortable with him...but I suppose I'm just used to paying half of everything. It makes it feel "mine." I discussed that with him, and he said he wants to support me financially due to the fact that I'm still finishing my degree, and he's completed school and is obviously quite stable financially.

I am close to finishing school, so what I may do is finish and then contribute more financially so I feel I am pulling my weight...though he has really stressed that he does not care about the finances. It definitely makes me feel a difference in it being my home.

I agree with Sophie. I will also say that moving from one live-in relationship to the next, to the next, to the next is not the ideal plan. Why not set up your own home? Living 1.5 years with one guy then 1.5 years with the next guy etc means that you will never really have a place to call your own to fix up as you want it. Your relationships seeem to be transient...from 1.5 years, to rebound to rebound to dating to relationship while still hurting over someone else. Perhaps the issue you are having of this guy's place not being your own is a way of telling you that you need to slow down and get your own life in order. Have your own place to do as you wish rather than moving in with guys so soon after starting to date them. Bottom line is that just like with the last guy, this might also be a transient living arrangement. I know someone who got married and moved into the guy's house and she felt the same way as you are feeling...except she was now married to him and had been dating him for several years so there was already a level of comfort and security that goes far beyond a few months dating in the honeymoon period. What she did was put her stamp on the place by getting new curtains etc and rearranging the place...but she was married and there was legality to their union which made them legal partners. In a living together situation, particularly with a couple who have only been together for a few months, it is probably not a good idea to suggest changing curtains and re-shuffling things in his place. So if you want to move in with him you will have to just deal with it and over time get used to it.

Hmm, I think if he is financially supporting you too it will be difficult to view it as a joint home. I feel if you were the type to live 'off' a partner you would have jumped at the chance without any reservations.

Never play house with someone just because it is convenient or saves some money. You should only move in with someone when you really, really know them, and are ready to take the next step in the relationship because you see it as a permanent relationship, not because living together is a convenience.

So you've been together only 4 months and were 'in love' with an ex as recently at 2 months ago? This is WAY too early to live together for any reason at all. Even if the relationship is extremely promising in terms of future potential, you could well kill it by moving in with someone you don't know that well, nor well enough to make a permanent commitment to.

And unless he is willing to marry you (and he shouldn't be this early on), it IS his place and will stay that way. To make it your own (or expect him to) after only dating a few months is not a reasonable expectation. You just have to accept it is his, and will only be yours if you agree to marry or he agrees to deed you half the house.

You can superficially make it your own by changing the decor to match what you like, but he may or may not be willing to do that or pay the expense for new furniture and decoration.

And keep in mind that the financial inequality gives him all kinds of leverage. He can literally toss you out on the street with zero notice. Do you have a support system in place in that town that will allow you to move in with them on zero notice? I think you are giving a man you barely know too much financial sway of your relationship, and will regret that if the relationship starts to become problematic or moving in together doesn't work out.

I'd say don't move in with him until you've known him at least a year, and you also are totally committed to each other and talking marriage or a permanent commitment of some kind that involves moving to a new place you both own or rent together, or deeding you part of the house. If he doesn't want/trust you enough to do that, then you just aren't ready for a live-in commitment yet.

Thank you all for your feedback. I've decided not to move into his home come September. I'm going to wait until it feels right...I agree that I think my feelings are beyond it being HIS house, and that I feel it is too soon. I think he is a bit disappointed, but he understands.

Thank you all for your feedback. I've decided not to move into his home come September. I'm going to wait until it feels right...I agree that I think my feelings are beyond it being HIS house, and that I feel it is too soon. I think he is a bit disappointed, but he understands.

September? I hope you meant September of 2011.

No, I certainly meant THIS September. Everyone has a different idea in regards to "timelines"...I moved in with my ex after six weeks (though he was really living with me before that, from day one)...I don't regret that at all. Just because you wait a particular amount of time, doesn't mean more or less success. Perhaps more comfort, or less doubt...but you just need to go with what feels right. September is too soon for me to move in...so I am waiting a few more months and then I'll see how I feel at that time.

I think that's a good decision SayWhen - and maybe if you wait until you graduate (did you say you just have a few months left) you would be on more equal footing with him in financial terms and feel more ownership of the place when you do end up moving in.

Actually, if marriage is something you want, you will have greater success if you do not live together first. Research the statitiscs yourself.

Before I moved in with my bf, I wanted to find a different apartment for us, because I thought it would never feel like our place. Well it did, right away. It immediately became "our" home, and "our" things and it was never a problem. It's just a space