6 months and no I love you

Hi all,

I've been dating this guy for 6 months now , we were friends for quite a while before this.

I only just got up the courage to ask how he feels about me and he says he's 'not ready' to say 'I love you' yet and he doesn't feel it for me. But that he's serious about me (?) and doesn't want to break up.

Thing is I've got a 6 week round-world trip coming up. I wanted to know where I stood before I left (I leave in 2.5 weeks). There's a 1 month contiki trip involved and I could either break up with him and be single and see what opportunities may come my way, or I could hedge my bets and stay committed to him despite the lack of strong feelings for me and just see if things 'change'.

He says he only said I love you to his first girlfriend and that was after a year. He's only had 2 girlfriends before me.

As to how I feel, I must feel something as I've just spent the past 5 minutes crying. I thought I loved him but then the feelings lessened as there was no confirmation from him but I still know he's a decent guy, loyal, nice, family-orientated etc.

I don't know what to do. Am I being unrealistic expecting him to love me after 6 months together?

I do think asking him to say I love you is a little unrealistic. People CAN love each other in this time period, but you shouldn't have to ask him to say it. Wouldn't it be much more romantic if he said it on his own? Plus..if it takes him a while to say it, you'll REALLY appreciate it when he does say it, and you'll know how much he means it

I have to be honest...I think it is a little unhealthy that you want him to say I love you, yet you may end it so you can try your chances at being single on this trip.

Don't misunderstand me-I think it's a perfectly legitimate thing to want to be single on your trip if you don't love him. However, do you tell him you love him? If so, it seems like you're willing to throw it away really quickly (AKA because of the possibility of seeing greener grass on the trip). If you don't say you love him, then you shouldn't be this upset... you can end things and be single on the trip, or you can stay in a relationship and see if the distance brings you closer.

Try to focus down to the choices and options at hand that involve your feelings - not his. You can make a decision with or without him saying I love you.

You feel something but you are also excited at the thought of being single and open to opportunities.

I think you need to talk again and decide whether his commitment to you is enough for you to live with whilst you go away and meet new people. To be honest, it sounds to me as though you don't love him, or at least not enough to wait. Why do I say that?

Well - you feel 'something'. With hindsight it's often possible to look back and say, "I was really feeling upset that my investment of six months seemed to have come to so little," or "I was crying out of frustration," or, "I was crying because he didn't match my dream-scenario."

You can't know what's in his head, you can only know what's in yours. And I detect a sense of excitement at the thought of meeting new people. He's a decent guy, family-orientated... so what? What do YOU want? I'd almost place money on you being a mid-twenties Sagittarius, but hokum apart, you need new experiences and he's not on the same path right now.

I am sure people will come on here and reassure you that the 'saying I love you' can come anywhere between 3 weeks and 5 years. Whatever works for you as a couple is fine. But this doesn't sound to be working for you. Listen to your heart, because you can't know what's in his.

Picture this trip - picture being tied to a guy back home and meeting someone new. What do you do then - cheat? Regret not breaking up? Or do you feel a warm glow at the thought of staying true to him and returning to the man you love?

There's your answer.

I'd almost place money on you being a mid-twenties Sagittarius,

 

Picture this trip - picture being tied to a guy back home and meeting someone new. What do you do then - cheat? Regret not breaking up? Or do you feel a warm glow at the thought of staying true to him and returning to the man you love?

You are close, I am a mid-twenties Libran .

I picture being on my trip and hitting it off with someone and then feeling like maybe I should have broken up with my boyfriend, because I really don't want to cheat (I've been cheated on and it would go against everything my life has become so far). However I know that meeting someone special is a small possibility in such a small time-frame.

I don't know if I love him. The other day I did. And then I didn't. And tonight I cried.

And he just said he isn't sure how much he'll miss me when I'm gone. he asked himself that and didn't know.

Also... the sex is a bit here and there. They say you should be ripping each others clothes off in the first 6 months or so - well I never felt such strong passion this time around...

You are close, I am a mid-twenties Libran .

 

I picture being on my trip and hitting it off with someone and then feeling like maybe I should have broken up with my boyfriend, because I really don't want to cheat (I've been cheated on and it would go against everything my life has become so far).

There's your answer, really.

As for the sex - you are right, it ought to be a little more than what you describe, surely? This sounds like a relationships where you are close as friends. If it isn't that good for you, surely he can't be feeling that great either?

Have you considered raising the idea of 'being on a break' (I can only hear that in Ross Geller's voice I'm afraid!) and seeing how he reacts? If he seems relieved, tbh I'd consider ending it now...

Basically you want to be free 'in case' - nothing wrong with that. If you are saying that you are fairly sure it's possible you will meet someone you like better, then why are you still with this guy?

He actually suggested a break just before and seems fine with the idea. It ties in with the whole, he doesn't know what degree of 'missing me' he's going to feel.

I think I know my answer... I think.

You have fallen into a relationship habit with each other. You care enough not to want to hurt each other. But in fact neither of you wants to admit it would sort of be a relief...

In fact the signs are good that after your trip you will be able to be friends with this man if you want.

I was on Contiki tours when I was in my twenties...I saw people throw away money to go on these trips just so that they can ignore the scenery, ignore the sights and spend the days liplocked with someone. I guess spending thousands of dollars to get laid was a good idea for some. Yes, there were lots of twenty-somethings on those trips who would get rip roaring drunk at night, get laid, sleep all day on the bus, get drunk again at night and get laid again. I know of two people who actually did get married...but over twenty years later I don't know if their marriages lasted. In one case the young woman was from a city in Holland and the guy was from a farm in New Zealand and she moved to spend her life on a farm in New Zealand. In the second case the guy was from England and she was from Australia. She moved to England to be with him. In most of the cases on the trips, however, they were casual, lusty things that didn't go very far. The bus driver and tour manager were always up for a fling with any silly woman who thought a real relationship would come from it. One young woman had sex with the bus driver (he already had a gf) and the next day he wouldn't talk to this young woman. She was devastated. On another tour you would always see one of the young women go on the bus in the evening to have her fun and frolick with the bus driver. Then there was the tart from England who it was clear was up for fun and frolic and the guy who thought he had it in the bag...problem is she got so drunk and passed out before this guy saw any real action. This tart had some guy's tongue down her throat during dinner and everyone was cheering them on, much to the disgust of our tour manager.

Yep, "relationships" on tours are very often this fantasyland and a lot of lust. If you truly loved your boyfriend, trying your luck when you went away would be the furthest thing from your mind. Your world trip would be about travel and seeing new things, not about trying out new people. You are going away for only 6 weeks, not 6 months. If you "fall in love" with someone in 6 weeks, that is usually lust and the fantasy of having a vacation romance. It seems to me you are more into the fantasy of romance rather than what real love is all about. Real love is not all about ripping each other's clothes off like some romance novel. That's just the excitement of being in lust. Real love grows over time.

Perhaps your boyfriend is unsure about his feelings because he is not really sure how sincere your "I love you" statements are. Love grows and matures...just because he doesn't feel like proclaiming his love for you in 6 months doesn't mean his feelings for you are not growing. How many people proclaim their love early on and then dump the person a few months later stating they fell out of love, or were never really in love because they just met someone else who stirs them even more. Some people just don't take those words "I love you" very lightly and say them when they are in the rush of the honeymoon period.

I don't think that it is particularly wise to judge whether you love him based on whether he says he loves you first. You either love him or you don't.

If he had said he loved you would that have made you suddenly sure you were in love with him?

It seems to me that you were pushing for a reason to dump him so you could be free to find someone better on vacation. If that is the case then it is always better to be honest with yourself about what you are really doing.

We, I am a libra. I had my little what is our relatioship talk about four months into it, and he said he didn't know his feelings. I was crazy about him. Finally about 9 months into it, I told him I loved him. He still didn't know his feelings. I was loyal as the day was long. I never stopped loving him, to this day. He never could say I love you for two years. Finally he left me for a woman at work. He says he loves her and never loved me. For me, it is all red flags, and I wouldn't do that again. If they are serious with you, ad can't say I love you, I think it isn't too good.

We had tons of passion. We were so close. He said I was the only one, I was in his soul,and left me for another woman. Libras need relationship more than any other sign. it is the sign governing marriage.My guess is that you are't hoping for wild lust on this trip, but maybe connecting with someone who can love you.

My guy was a decent guy, who wanted to really be with someone. But it wasn't me. This went on for two years.

This is something that I will NEVER in my whole life, get.

I don't know why people demand to hear it so much, or why people are so chintzy with handing them out.

The only thing I can think of is, this guy doesn't want to be exclusive with you. To me, it is disrespectful to say that when you're boffing someone else, but "I Love You" does not mean "Will you marry me?" or even "Will you live with me?"

But 6 months of exclusive dating? Why not? I just don't see this magic threshold between, "I like you a lot and want to be serious and exclusive with you" and "I love you." I think guys just won't say it if they aren't really into you enough to be exclusive. Surely everyone knows there's always a chance of a breakup?

Maybe I came accross wrong - but I really don't want to break off my relationship just to go sleep around on my contiki tour, I was never one for one-night stands. In fact the idea of a year off being single is appealing right now.

I think we work better as friends rather than lovers, anyhow we're going to talk tomorrow night about it and I hope I don't end up hurting him. But I guess that's the risk you take when you enter a relationship - getting hurt/disappointed.

I understand that your feelings are hurt. Up until recently, I was in your shoes. My boyfriend told me he loved me after 1 year and a month. There were times when I felt frustrated, or wondered if he really cared at all because those words mean a lot.

However, because he waited, I know that he means it and it wasn't said to appease me or because he felt it was what he was suppose to do. He SHOWS it and SAYS it now and it's great.

Uhm, I could be wrong, but somehow I get the feeling that you're considering the single status for the contiki trip as a way to deal with the pain from not hearing I love you. Are you really thinking about singledom because you don't think it will work out or it is because it's easier to not care and drop it all?

And everybody has different speeds in terms of the I love you. Guys are quite often either the fastest or the slowest (usually slowest). It's unfair to ditch the guy just because the only thing missing to you is the spoken "I love you". If he is awesome in every other aspect, then you are hung up on the wrong things in a relationship. Let him reach that point at his own pace.

Yes, you are being unrealistic to expect him to love you after 6 months.

Love is a committment. True love means I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life with him?

If he is worth it, he is worth waiting for? I have a feeling your trying to manipiulate this to confront your own insecurities about what he will do when you two are apart. If that is the case, then you don't have the foundation for love just yet. Remember that love is built upon trust among other things.

Why nip it in the bud before it has a chance to grow?