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Thread: How do you help someone overcome commitment/trust issues?

  1. #1
    ricky99
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    How do you help someone overcome commitment/trust issues?

    Here's the situation:

    I have feelings for this girl, we've become very close friends over the passed 9 months or so. Back in december, I told her that I had feelings for her and she told me she wasnt ready to be in a relationship, she was being sincere and not just giving me the "speech". We stopped talking for a couple of months, and then started hanging out again, and over the passed 5 months, we've gotten very close, but just as friends.

    I didnt want them to, but my feelings for her have come back. I try my best to hide them because I dont want to ruin such a good friendship. But deep down, I am almost positive that she knows how I feel.

    Now, my problem is this: I want to be in a relationship with her, but I think she has serious commitment issues, not just with guys, but with ppl in general. I think that she is afraid of getting close to ppl, and she is afraid to fully trust ppl. The reason for this, and this is just my theory, is because her parents went through a bad divorce, her mom, sister, and brother all left her, and just recently she got kicked out of her home by her dad. So its like the only people who were supposed to love her, abandoned her. So I believe this is the cause of her commitment/abandonment/trust issues.

    I need help! How do I get this girl to open up to me???? I want her to trust me, to feel like she can tell me anything. She has this emotional wall up, always, and i want to bring that wall down. But its so hard. I really care about her, but its hard to get her to open up.

    We've gotten really close, close to the point where she trusts me for the most part and really enjoys my company and Id consider her as a close friend, but she STILL has that emotional wall up. HOW CAN I GET HER TO OPEN UP TO ME???

    Ive invested a lot of time, almost 9 months, just being there for her, as a friend, trying to get close to her, but still, im not as close as I would like to be. Ultimately, I want to be in a relationship with her.

    I cant describe how FRUSTRATING this whole situation can be at times.

    PLEASE HELP. Any advice for dealing with people to overcome their commitment/trust issues would be MUCH APPRECIATED. Thank you!

  2. #2
    matius
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    How do you help someone overcome commitment/trust issues?
    You just roll the dice because you never know. People can say anything, doesn't mean that's what they really think. That's not to make you trust less, it's to maybe reason that it's not really worth worrying about until it happens.

    Sorry was in a hurry, I think everyone has to come to this logic on their own as arcadefire mentioned.
    Last edited by matius; 07-10-2010 at 11:02 PM.

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    arcadefire
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    I think if you really want to show her that she can trust you, then have patience and kindness. There isn't much you can do, it's all up to her whether she can trust you or not.

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    Dako
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    If you care for her, give her what she says she wants.
    Trying to manipulate her is disrespectful.

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    dancingcolors
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    I don't know if you can tear the walls down. i sure couldn't with my ex, who I WAS in a relationship with, and had tears rolling down his facesaying no one ever treated him as good as me, not even his own mother.

    I think it is good to listen to what somebody is actually is saying to you, and not try toread something into it. I think what they say, is what they mean. If you don't take it as they say it,you can get really hurt. I know I did.

  6. #6
    ricky99
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dako [Register to see the link]
    If you care for her, give her what she says she wants.
    Trying to manipulate her is disrespectful.
    What if I dont know what it is that she wants? Like I said, She doesnt seem to want to really open up to me and let me know what's really going on with her deep down. I wish I knew how to get her to open up to me. If I knew what she wanted, I would give it to her.

    I wish I knew what she wanted when it comes to relationships, but my problem is that its hard for me to talk about that kind of stuff with her because we are just friends, and if I put her in an awkward situation by telling her how I feel or by bringing up relationships, I can possibly ruin our friendship. Thats the last thing that I want, I dont want to lose her as a friend.

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    misssmithviii
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    There's a few things that come to mind; first and foremost, she very well just doesn't want to be in a relationship with *you* in particular - regardless of her trust/commitment issues. You cannot make someone love you or like you back simply because you feel like you'd do anything for that person; or even IF you did everything.
    She doesn't want a relationship with you, take it as it is and remain her friend. This happens all the time in life.

    On another note, I have serious commitment/trust issues for even more serious reasons - and the way my man has helped me overcome it is by being consistent, listening instead of trying to "fix" the problem all the time, proving it to me day by day and giving me whatever I need to help me overcome these issues as in rather than treating me like I "shouldn't have" the issues (which all too many people do).

    If you keep pushing to be in a relationship with this girl who obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (otherwise she would, whether or not she had issues... BELIEVE ME) you WILL ruin the friendship. She knows how you feel, and yet doesn't reciprocate the feelings - leave it alone, sorry to say but it's the blunt truth.

    Best wishes ^_^

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    ricky99
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    I appreciate the honesty. You may think that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me in particular, and you may be right, but im leaving out a lot of information, and I do believe there are signs that she is slowly opening up to the idea of being in a relationship with me.

    Im happy to hear advice from someone like you, being the girl with the commitment issues. You are right, I just need to be there for her, consistently, and not try to "fix" her. Thats what ive been doing, and she does seem to be slowly opening up to me, since we do get closer and closer every time we hang out, but I guess i just gotta keep it up and be PATIENT. Being patient is the HARDEST part, but if thats what it takes, then ill stick to it. Thanks again for your insight.

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    misssmithviii
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    Of course ^_^

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