Jump to content

Passive aggressiveness


Applewhite

Recommended Posts

I feel like I am approaching a breaking point in my relationship, and I don't think he is even aware of it.

 

There are several things that are relevant to my problem, and I am not sure where to begin.

 

For those that don't know me/my past that well, I have had a difficult and troubled relationship with my father all my life. Looking back I can be more objective about the situation and him (since I am no longer in close proximity and I do not speak to him) and as I get older I can see how selfish and disgusting his behavior was towards me and my mother. He was also belittling, controlling and abusive verbally and sometimes physically. I have since removed myself from that environment, and I get cramps even thinking about visiting. Everyday I resent my mother more and more for putting up with it and making us go through it (me and my brother). It is such a shame because it gets worse and worse for them. But this is a topic for another thread.

 

Not too long ago, my and my boyfriend had an argument that upset me greatly. If you feel like reading here it is. Some said that his behavior was passive aggressive and to watch out for this. I hoped that this was a one time incident, but now I don't think it was.

 

Now for what happened

 

We were at a family gathering. Since I don't have much of a family and they live far away, we are always with his family - which I am grateful for. I like them and they like me. This is a bonding I haven't had for a long time with my own 'family' so it is sacred to me. They consider me part of the family and invite me to any family gathering. I don't know how but somehow he succeeded in bringing the discussion to how I leave water bottles around the house (this happens sometimes, but it is not as bad as he made it sound to be). I will pick them up eventually but sometimes he will too. We live together so much of the housework is shared. This includes me picking up his dirty socks, and sweeping/vacuuming his dogs hair etc as well, and I didn't think picking up a few empty water bottles was or ever would be a problem for him. Especially since he is the kind of guy that always does little things for his girlfriend (well maybe not) or people in general. I really feel like he ruined a good thing for me. I am not sure that I can completely forgive and forget what he did.

 

In any case, I am hurt and confused that instead of bringing this problem up with me in a private adult conversation he chose to act in a passive aggressive way again. He 'jokingly' brought it up in front of his family members trying to embarrass me and make me look untidy etc. And he didn't stop - he made it linger for a while. I really wanted to embarrass him too (and I could) but I was silent and just started thinking about it. I still haven't talked to him about it because I am still thinking.

 

This is very very concerning to me. This is the kind of thing that could make be decide to leave an otherwise perfect relationship. This is exactly the kind of thing my father used to do with my mother in social/family gatherings. I find it despicable, disgusting. Granted my father's 'episodes' were more belittling and worse in magnitude and duration but this is how it starts - with little things. I would rather die alone than live through that again.

 

In addition to all this, now I don't feel comfortable when he does things for me anymore after what he said and did. I don't want him to offer to bring me water, I don't want him to ask if I need anything. It all seems fake now. And I don't know if I want to do anything for him anymore either. I felt so angry yesterday waiting for him to get his car done. I drove him and waited with him (I didn't have to and probably shouldn't have). If he is going to complain about picking up a water bottle to his family I think we have a long way to go.

Link to comment
  • Replies 148
  • Created
  • Last Reply

wow, this is a very extreme reaction fuelled by past issues not involved with your boyfriend. granted, if he had a problem with the habit you have, he should have said it you first , so i would probably light heartadly say this to him.

 

but i'm sorry to say i would be WAY more concerned with how YOU feel about this issue. if i was your partner i would be walking on egg shells. how will you get through big issues and conflicts if something like this makes you ''think of ending your otherwise perfect relationship''???

 

you dont think you can forgive and forget this incident? well, i'm a bit speechless to be honest. i don't mean to be flippent about your feelings...really i don't

Link to comment

This insident and the other mentioned don't sound like very big issues to me (I had commented on your other thread a while back). I can see why you don't like it though, especially with your past. You're probably very sensitive about things your bf says, fearing he's just like your dad. It could be passive agressiveness, but it could also just be that he has bad taste or uses poor judgement. We'd really need more evidance to label him as Passive aggresive, IMO. Now, If he were to bring petty stuff like this up in front of his family regularly, or even again, Id say something to him such as, "can we not talk about your problems with me in front of your family? If you have a problem with something Im doing, Id rather discuss it alone. " And go from there. Or, if it's really bothering you now, say something before it happens again.

Link to comment

I think you might be overreacting a bit on this one. I see where you're coming from- there's no reason for him to be bringing up stuff like that in front of your family- but I think at this level it's somewhat harmless. It sounds like he didn't mean to be malicious and just wasn't thinking. If I were you I'd ask him if he is truly bothered by the water bottles, tell him that you will make more of an effort to pick them up, and request that he discuss these types of issues with you and not in public. He will likely be surprised it affected you this way so you may want to explain that this is a sensitive spot for you because of your parents' behavior.

 

I have been in situations like you describe, and it has helped me decide that whomever I end up with long-term should be interested in presenting a united front to the world, not airing petty grievances to anyone who will listen.

Link to comment

Was he trying to humiliate you or tease you? Look at the context of his remarks in the conversation at the time and try to take it out of the prior context of your father's relationship with you.

 

I just said something similar to this on another thread but recognition that partners screw up and forgiveness of that goes a long way to making a relationship stronger.

 

But if you feel his character is really that of a passive-aggressive jerk who is likely to make you miserable then don't stay with him. It isn't a perfect relationship if he truly is.

Link to comment

It is not that he just mentioned something. He kept going on and on about the water bottles. And he did this in front of a family member he himself labeled as gossipy, and too much into other peoples business. I defended myself and said it is ME who picks them up. And he then said no! That I don't he picks up after me! Then she said something like ooo we have a little family friction here with these two or something stupid like that.

 

He is not a foolish 25 year old. He CAN think plenty if he wants to. He is a 37 year old man who can think of much more complicated things than this. And it wasn't an impulsive comment that just came out. He went ON and ON about it. He did this one on purpose. Either that or he is really stupid.

Link to comment

I mean on the other hand, if you guys want me to take it within context of the relationship here it is:

 

It is RIDICULOUS that he is on to me about the water bottles (either in front of his family or even in private) when he won't pick up his dogs poop off the yard regularly. There is so much poop around that we have to watch every step we take and even then one of us often steps on it. He also won't clean or vacuum all the dog hair around the house (I do it more than him) - he agrees it is disgusting. I do most of the dishes, I sometimes prepare his lunch for him etc.

 

There is so much more than this that I could have embarrassed him with but I shut up.

 

If you don't like the water bottles tell me - but how lame are you that you can't tell me but you choose to try to embarrass me about it? While the next day I am running around driving you to get your car fixed...

Link to comment

When people have been physically abused they will flinch at a sudden movement of someone's hand close to them even if there was no intent whatsoever to hurt them. I hope this isn't something similar with you because if it is you need to get someone to help you sort through your feelings. But if he is nasty anyway you need to decide what to do about the relationship.

 

Suppose for a moment you had taken what he said as banter - and returned the favour? Suppose you had said something like "Well, Mrleavedirtysocksaround, let me remind you that it's called a sock drawer for a reason." - how do you think he would have reacted to that if you had said it in the same tone of voice he had used?

Link to comment

To those that said it is not a big deal please also notice something that I failed to mention in the OP. We were at HIS family's gathering. Now although they all know and like me - I am still new in their family obviously. I am vulnerable and an 'outsider' in some sense. Him 'attacking' me like that in front of them says something bigger than just a mindless comment out of place. He pursued it till the end seeing I was embarrassed he went on. To me where he did it and how he did it was very purposeful. THIS is what I found so disgusting.

 

And you say it wasn't a big deal - but what do you think would have happened if I went on to embarrass him. Surely it would have escalated and wouldn't be a pretty scene. So he had the upper hand too. He could strike me - knowing that I had too much at stake to strike back. Which again to me looks like it was planned.

Link to comment
When people have been physically abused they will flinch at a sudden movement of someone's hand close to them even if there was no intent whatsoever to hurt them. I hope this isn't something similar with you because if it is you need to get someone to help you sort through your feelings. But if he is nasty anyway you need to decide what to do about the relationship.

 

Suppose for a moment you had taken what he said as banter - and returned the favour? Suppose you had said something like "Well, Mrleavedirtysocksaround, let me remind you that it's called a sock drawer for a reason." - how do you think he would have reacted to that if you had said it in the same tone of voice he had used?

 

I feel that he would throw something back at me right away and try to get the upper hand. I know that this is how he would react.

Also read the post before this.

Link to comment

OK, I get it. Are you sure it wasn't because he thought of you as a member of his family and it was alright to do that - is that how they talk to each other?

 

I am just trying to understand the dynamics here because I am concerned the shadow of your father is affecting how you view your boyfriend.

 

It is so easy to say 'leave him' but is that the best solution or can another be found? Is he really a jerk or are you projecting the past on to him and any negative behaviour is now writ large in your mind? Or is he normal and screws up sometimes?

 

All relationships have some sort of conflicts but that doesn't necessarily mean they involve jerks and should be ended.

Link to comment
OK, I get it. Are you sure it wasn't because he thought of you as a member of his family and it was alright to do that - is that how they talk to each other?

 

I am just trying to understand the dynamics here because I am concerned the shadow of your father is affecting how you view your boyfriend.

 

It is so easy to say 'leave him' but is that the best solution or can another be found? Is he really a jerk or are you projecting the past on to him and any negative behaviour is now writ large in your mind? Or is he normal and screws up sometimes?

 

All relationships have some sort of conflicts but that doesn't necessarily mean they involve jerks and should be ended.

 

 

Yes they do joke around, but NOT like that. Yes everyone will call each other silly and stupid etc, my boyfriend will always claim his brother is a little slow. But never have I heard any one of them joke about something that is REAL. Like someone being messy or anything of that sort. Nothing real is joked about. And he went on and on about how messy I am, I leave multiple bottles around and he picks up after me. Nobody jokes like this, even about the kids.

 

He is clearly annoyed by the water bottles, just too much of a sissy to confront me about it. I don't like that.

 

And I don't like that he doesn't pick up his dogs poop in the yard. I can smell it from inside and I can't sleep sometimes because of it. I never bug him about it. I figure when you live with someone there are going to be small annoyances like that and I let it go - regardless of how insanitary it is - which is another concern for me. But clearly he keeps track of water bottles he picks up. When the couch is covered in dog hair and the dog poops in the house and he leaves his shaved beard all over the sink.

Link to comment
Overall is he contributing more to your happiness in life or your unhappiness?

 

I don't know. All I know is that this is something I do not want to tolerate. Regardless of whether he makes me happy or not. Even if he is just dumb enough to not be able to censor what he says where. Then he is just dumb and not evil, but I still don't want it.

Link to comment

Well, there are a few alternatives, some of which you can mix and match:

 

  • have a non-confrontational talk with him and express how and why you felt at the time.
  • ask him if he would consider couples counseling, especially in conflict resolution
  • get some therapy to deal with your issues with your father so that relationship doesn't overshadow this one
  • choose which 'battles' are important enough to bring up and which can be let go. For instance, I would not worry about the socks but would not tolerate the dogcrap. But you decide what is too much for you.
  • when you have decided what to being up - prioritise them so they don't get confused and all brought up at once in a flood of recrimination - do this more carefully.

At some point you are going to have to decide on all or some of the above or whether to leave.

Link to comment

I don't see how what he did wasn't obvious to him. I mean I don't look forward to explaining him to him what he did and how it hurt me. What is he a 5 year old?

 

And if he prioritized and water bottles are at the top of his list .. then ? I don't even know what to say.

 

I mean honestly like I said when you live together some things annoy. But even the dog crap I let go. But now I feel like if he feels I should be pristine then he should first take a look at himself. His couch is so filthy (mostly with dog hair) that I get itchy just sitting on it.

 

If he minds my water bottles so much that he feels the need to humiliate me publicly, I honestly don't know if I want to live with him and share a life.

Link to comment

Are you sure he meant to humiliate you and not just tease you? There is a difference and for sensitive people who have had bad experiences it can be hard to tell the difference.

 

Be careful here that you don't lose what may be an overall good guy because of something that may be fixable. Don't go from doing nothing to ending it.

 

You need to be sure of your judgment here one way or the other.

Link to comment
Are you sure he meant to humiliate you and not just tease you? There is a difference and for sensitive people who have had bad experiences it can be hard to tell the difference.

 

Be careful here that you don't lose what may be an overall good guy because of something that may be fixable. Don't go from doing nothing to ending it.

 

You need to be sure of your judgment here one way or the other.

 

Even if that is the case, again he is NOT 5. He KNOWS my past and my problems. He knows how affected I am by my past. He knows that in the past he has been insensitive and it affected me tremendously so I explained to him - he understood. He knows I still have nightmares at night because of my past.

 

Why take the chance? Apparently mentioning the water bottles was more important to him than the chance of it affecting me badly or me being embarassed/uncomfortable around his family.

Link to comment

Hike14, I recommend both you and your boyfriend take assertiveness training courses, which can be quite fun and will definitely be very interesting for both of you, and improve the communication between you and your boyfriend, and give you additional strength which will help you deal with any sort of conflict like this. I believe you both will benefit greatly from it and your relationship will benefit too.

 

He needs assertiveness training because he is passive-aggressive, which means he does not express his feelings in the proper venue or the proper way; he bottles up complaints and then expresses them as anger, guilt trips, or misdirected complaints (e.g. complaining to his family). In other words, he doesn't *talk* about things that bother him; he complains or guilt-trips about them in a way that will affect you indirectly (so he appears to not be involved in a conflict with you).

 

You need assertiveness training because you seem to be passive. Not passive-aggressive, but passive. The difference is that you don't express your frustration to your boyfriend at all. It's hidden in sweetness, and you are a sweet, considerate person, but that is also sort of an excuse for not being willing to start any conflict, even one which would ultimately be healthy.

 

The antidote to all this is for both of you to get used to expressing your feelings AS they occur (not years later), TO each other (not to family members or secretly on this forum and to no one else), and WITH respect (not snidely or aggressively). That's what books on assertiveness teach you and again, I think you will have great fun learning the techniques, and practicing them when you have opportunity to.

Link to comment

I realize now that the best answer on the spot would be to tell him to act like a grown up be a little brave and bring up any issues he has with me one on one rather than bringing them up in front of HIS family and creating an unpleasant environment.

 

Indeed now that the unpleasant environment is created honey, I think it is best that you apologize to everyone and me for your poor judgment.

 

Is that assertive enough mfan?

Link to comment
I realize now that the best answer on the spot would be to tell him to act like a grown up be a little brave and bring up any issues he has with me one on one rather than bringing them up in front of HIS family and creating an unpleasant environment.

 

Indeed now that the unpleasant environment is created honey, I think it is best that you apologize to everyone and me for your poor judgment.

 

Is that assertive enough mfan?

 

In my opinion, saying something like this is a terrible idea. It's extremely aggressive and confrontational, and basically has the goal of embarrassing and shaming him in front of his family.

 

My rule is that it's generally best not to air your dirty laundry in public. If he is embarrassing you, why not just say lightly "now now, I'm not that bad, am I? Why don't we talk about something else?" and addressing your issues late, alone together, in a constructive way. Turning it into a confrontation with the family as audience sounds horrific. If you object to him criticizing you in front of the family, then don't do the same to him. Explain to him in private that it's unacceptable.

Link to comment
In my opinion, saying something like this is a terrible idea. It's extremely aggressive and confrontational, and basically has the goal of embarrassing and shaming him in front of his family.

 

My rule is that it's generally best not to air your dirty laundry in public. If he is embarrassing you, why not just say lightly "now now, I'm not that bad, am I? Why don't we talk about something else?" and addressing your issues late, alone together, in a constructive way. Turning it into a confrontation with the family as audience sounds horrific.

 

But it wasn't me that started talking about dirty laundry in front of his family it is HIM. If I wanted to talk about dirty laundry and embarrass him, I could have easily mentioned the dog crap (in and outside of the house) his dirty socks, the dog hair all around, etc. I chose not to. Shouldn't there be a consequence for him bringing this up in the first place? Doesn't your suggestion sound way too passive?

 

Actually I did something similar to what you said and it backfired because he continued to do it.

Link to comment
I realize now that the best answer on the spot would be to tell him to act like a grown up be a little brave and bring up any issues he has with me one on one rather than bringing them up in front of HIS family and creating an unpleasant environment.

 

Indeed now that the unpleasant environment is created honey, I think it is best that you apologize to everyone and me for your poor judgment.

 

Is that assertive enough mfan?

 

No, that is aggressive, not assertive. And it's not you, hike! You're too good for that. Assertiveness has a very specific structure. Basically, you state something in a matter-of-fact way that includes an "I feel" statement and a "when" or "because" clause, and often a consequence too if the other person doesn't stop doing whatever it is they did. You say it in a dispassionate way but it is a statement of feeling. When done right, there's really no possible response to it except for the other person to acknowledge how your feel and just accept and understand it. There is a lot of free information about how to speak assertively on the Internet. If I come accross a good site I will definitely share it with you.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...