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Thread: GF Hiding her phone...ongoing. How do you deal with this?

  1. #1
    Member jumbrella's Avatar
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    GF Hiding her phone...ongoing. How do you deal with this?

    Trying to keep this short, so I've left a bunch of stuff out...

    There's a history of my GF hiding, being sneaky with her phone.

    For instance, she has no problem with being right by me if its her family or girlfriends. But then, there'll be those mysterious ones where she turns into a secret agent. She'll try to be sneaky, and keep the phone away from me. This was a red flag to me many months ago. My gut said shes talking to a guy, and the time I made a point to look, ...I was right.

    So this kind of haunts me.

    Anyways, this issue reared its head the other day in a very big way. I decided to talk to her about it while we were on the phone and I told her my side, and she got super defensive / walls up ( which has been the case in the past, makes it very hard to talk things out ). She says shes a private person, her parents were always checking up on her, etc. Which shes all told me before. ( But why would she have no problem when its her fam/girls texting her? ) Okay so I understand that, but I want a relationship where were completely open, or at least growing in that direction.

    I told her, I want to work this out, I want to make things work. But I need her to do her side. I said, its sort of a knee jerk reaction to wonder what shes up to on her phone, since its such a big secret at times. And the time(s) I've suspected something funny(IE, hiding talking to a guy), they came true. ... BUT, I'm willing to try my hardest to stop and give her the benefit of the doubt, if shes willing to work on being more open with me.

    Rough weekend, but we made up. Started a wonderful day on monday together. Good sex. Good food. Having only seen her for a couple of hours at this point, we're at a store. And I get that feeling.

    I know her, she typically wont leave my side in public. Except, to check/do things on her phone I had sat down to test some furniture and she basically snuck away real quick. So I get up to look, because I knew this meant check the phone...was I right? You know it. With her checking real quick to see if was looking, and then when she realized, put it back in her pocket quick.

    I feel like a paranoid pyscho typing that, but thats how it is I didn't say anything to her, been holding it in,

    trying to just continue as normal..but its really bothering me right now.

    How am I supposed to trust her when shes hiding who shes talking to? Especially after we just agreed on our respective parts we play, and moving towards resolving them.

    Am I wrong to feel this way? Do I bring this up? Do I just walk?

    I guess without getting into all our other backstory, for a very long time I've felt a bit like shes keeping her options open, and I'm the guy to hold onto if nothing better comes her way.

    If anyone is bored, and wants to read some backstory I made a post a few months back titled: "Insecurities vs Reality, how to proceed? (long)"

    Sorry won't let me post the full url / link for some reason

  2. #2
    Member Interceptive's Avatar
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    Have you tried being upfront with her?

    Ask her...who are you talking to? And if I 'shouldn't be worried', then why do you feel the need to hide your phone at certain times? Bluntness is key.

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    Since you both talked about it and agreed to work on it, you should have said something right when you caught her in the act. Let it go this time but if you see her doing it again say something right then so she will know exactly what shes doing when you think shes "being suspiciouis".

    She most likely is talking to a guy, and she's afraid you would get jealous so she does it in secret. It could still be harmless chatting, who knows?

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    Member jumbrella's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Interceptive
    Have you tried being upfront with her?

    Ask her...who are you talking to? And if I 'shouldn't be worried', then why do you feel the need to hide your phone at certain times? Bluntness is key.
    Yes I have been upfront. And I've even told her that line.

    I've generally not pushed/explored some of our issues as much as I like, because in the past when we got into spats, she totally flips bad. I was always going in with the idea of fixing things, understanding, etc.

    But she puts up a wall. Stops talking. Or gets all crazy, blowing things out of proportion. Turning it around on me type stuff.

    This last time though, I pushed it. I wasn't going to let her off easy. And I didn't. I hate things being weird between us, but I had to get that stuff off my chest. And I'm glad I did.

    But looks like nothing changed?

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    Member jumbrella's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AbombSnowMan
    Since you both talked about it and agreed to work on it, you should have said something right when you caught her in the act.
    Yeah I know. I'm kicking myself right now. I just thought maybe I should do my part. But I'm gonna see how this week goes.

    I just wonder how this looks to strangers, given the pretty limited info you have. She makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem here, ...but honestly, I don't entirely feel like I'm out of place.

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    Your not being paranoid, she's being shady. You need to see if she is talking to another guy again, and if she is tell her that she needs to make the choice between respecting the boundaries that come with a committed relationship and behaving like a single person who can talk to random guys until the cows come home. The problem is that you really didn't take action when you caught her doing it the first time, and now you have kind of set a bad precedent. Unfortunately there are many people out there who want to be in a relationship but still act like they are single part of the time, they don't understand that its one way or the other and there really is no grey area. And unfortunately your gf sounds like one of those people. If she is doing something shady again I would strongly suggest that you end this relationship, I know its difficult because when you two are together its very enjoyable and she acts like she really cares about you, but remember that those good times don't mean anything if she isn't doing right by you.

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    Silver Member MrWallFlower's Avatar
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    You said
    Rough weekend, but we made up
    Does that mean you gave in or did you guys come to some agreement on this?

    Your reluctance to be direct/firm with her makes it seem like you will keep putting up with it. Also, she will say whatever she can to get you to keep putting up with it.

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    I just wanted to say that you totally have a right to be uncomfortable with her behaviour. When in a relationship you need to treat the person with respect, be as open as possible and be honest with each other. It builds trust and intimacy and love ofcourse. If these things are not in place the relationship is doomed to fail. I agree with someone who said some people just like the comfort of a relationship, but lead almost a "double life" acting like a single person behind their partner's back. Even if it does not involve having sex with someone else it is still a form of cheating in my eyes and not acceptable.
    I'm 28, but my best girl friend is 22.. She has an amazing bf who is older and would do anything for her but she is young and at that stage where she wants to "play the field"... Most guys are immature and only want one thing so she stays with the comfort of her boyfriend, yet continually acts like a single girl getting guys numbers, texting and flirting, meeting up for coffees, etc. Even going as far as the odd 1 or 2 kissing/making out if she meets someone she really likes. It's always short lived and fun for the chase and as soon as she's done she's back with old faithful (the loving trusting bf).
    She keeps a lock on her blackberry so her poor boyfriend doesn't know what she does... Although he seems to have a gut instinct due to checking up on her sometimes to confirm her stories if she's out with me, etc.
    But point being, that is NO way to live for you or anyone in your situation. I'd ask her to be more open, stop being secretive and if she can't you are going to leave the relationship and be with someone that makes you feel secure and is 100% committed to your relationship.
    Don't let her play the "you're insecure" "you don't trust me" card..... It has nothing to do with those things... All you are wanting is someone to act open and normal around you like any loving committed relationship.

    Best of luck!


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