(LONG) Made a bad decision, now what to do..?

Hi guys, thank you for checking out my thread.

First off I do want to say that I know I am a horrible person for doing everything I did in my relationship, and I deserve all the judgement I made for myself, and I expect no sympathy, but I am begging someone for some advice because I’m afraid I can’t live like this any longer.

Prepare yourself for a big one...

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years now, and when we first started dating everything seemed magical, he was the perfect guy for me. We got along on so many levels and he lived just around the corner so I’d see him nearly every day. We talked for hours in our first year together, wouldn’t be seen without each other. Truly this did seem like the perfect relationship and even though we weren’t together long term, even then we talked often about the future. Please note that he was two years older than I was and I was still studying while he had a full time job.

Last year we were able to get a house for 8 months when his family moved out of state temporarily; and it was during this time I obliviously fell pregnant and only discovered six months along, with twins. I was using contraception during that time (namely Implanon) and I took several pregnancy tests but one showed up positive. I didn’t plan on having children at any time then, but because he and I had a deep connection this only made us grow stronger, and we prepared ourselves for parenthood.

Unfortunately in discovering the babies after such a long period of time I didn’t prepare myself a healthy pregnancy, and there were some serious complications. Not even two weeks in discovering the babies I had a miscarriage and had to have an induced operation. Both my partner and I were devastated.

We tried hard to move on from this horrible situation but I was in quite a state, I quit my job through depression and had put myself in quite a slump for a while.

Fast forwarding after I moved back into my parent’s house, I realized that I needed to get my education back on track so I enrolled in an adult educational program while my partner still maintained his exceptional career (I know it may not seem like a big bridge, but it was at the time). At this point in time I was wondering to myself; was I ready to commit to this person? Would I be able to provide for him as well even though I am two years behind him? He was a wonderful person who showered me with love and affection, but something didn’t seem quite right.

I often found myself in the comforts in being with close friends rather than my partner anymore, and that he didn’t like to spend time doing many activities other than work and coming home to see me. Which I know is horrible but this was only the beginning.

After spending a lot of time with my best friend, male; same age, same educational status, I had myself convinced that my devoted partner wasn’t right for me anymore, and that he was “Too Old” for me; that this new guy, and old friend of mine, was a better option. We too, were alike in many aspects and he seemed like a lot more fun than my boyfriend, while he still maintained a very sweet persona.

That is when I cheated on my partner, and I regret it ever coming to that. It all happened so fast that even now it seems like a blur. This poor man who stuck by me through thick and thin, I betrayed. I was overcome with grief and felt terrible about what I did, I couldn’t even bare myself to tell him the truth, that’s when I knew he didn’t deserve any of that, and I tried to end it with him.

Sometimes I wish we did end it there and then, for his sake, but his words to me there were “I’m not ready to let you go.” And I melted. I just remember the times when we spoke of our lives and how happy we had been up until the miscarriage and my affair. From then he had sent me beautiful messages saying how he never stopped loving me and how I was his world. If he said that to me at the beginning of our relationship I don’t think I would have done what I did, but now it feels like I am being guilt-tripped back into a relationship I don’t know if I really am happy with.

It is now that my feelings are still strong for both men but I don’t know what to do. On one hand I’ve got my affectionate, loving partner, who would forgive me to the moon and back, but I don't feel the same, and I'm scared I am giving him false hope. The other is for my old friend who I felt such strong chemistry for and I now discovered that he wants a proper relationship.

I beg for your guidance, anyone out there please help; I do not want to continue hurting both these wonderful men.

How old do you mean by 'too old'?

He's stuck around this much for you. You really think this new guy would ever be like him?

Does your partner know about the affair? (btw I didn't quite understand the bit about you providing for him).

It's quite common for couples not to survive something like a miscarriage. This is tough. Take responsibility, but don't be too hard on yourself either.

I don't know the answer to your dilemma, only you can know. Perhaps you woujld have finished with your partner anyway eventualy? Only you know that.

One alternative would be to end with both of them and give yourself a little time to heal. You could 'take a break'.

I am not sure how much your partner knows about what happened... If he knows, and is still not ready to go, I'd say you might just have a very special guy there.

Even so, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be with him. I can't say, only you can.

After many years of dating, I've learned that finding a man who will say something like "I'm not ready to let you go", and mean it, is priceless.

I also know that it is hard to walk away from sparks. But I've also learned that you can confess the lack of sparks to a loving partner, especially one who would "forgive you to the moon and back", and that it can be worked through. And I've also learned that a "friend" who obviously wants to get with you and in order to do so is obviously trying to influence you negatively towards your BF, is no friend.

See where I'm going with this?

I will say that if you stay with the current BF, you owe it to him to tell him you cheated. Not only because it is his right to know everything before he decides whether to be with you or not, but also because there is a reason you cheated, and you need to figure out what it was so you don't do it again.

Good luck.

Thank you very much, guys. I have had quite a bit of trouble taking responsibility for my actions from having low self-esteem over this time but your thoughts are greatly enlightening.

Spotti, Thank you for sharing your thoughts as well it definitely showed me a lot of things that I was too blinded by lust to realize.

The one thing that concerns me is that he will have to live with my deceit, and he still doesn't trust me wholeheartedly.

I'm sorry if my post sounds a little off, it's very early here.

You will NEVER feel what you need to feel for your partner as long as you know you have someone 'waiting in the wings.'

Do the right thing and tell your partner. Then see what happens.

This sounds like a "grass is greener" situation. I would take a step back, and spend some time being single, until you can clear your head, and be in a better state of mind before making any decisions.

Well you have to choose...... Either way you should tell him what happened. Better he find out from you now, than you or another way later.

If you choose him you would probably have to sever contact with this other friend...

If you choose the other friend.. You may find yourself asking a few years down the road "Did I lose Mr. Right?"

Only you can know exactly what u need to do. But I will say that staying with someone just because they shower you with affection and will "forgive you to the moon" is no reason is really not a reason if you no longer truly love them and feel a strong connection toward them, i.e. your claim of lack of sparks. I also suspect that with everything you and your bf have been through that you feel too guilty to break up with him, and may be sticking it out for that reason, again which is no reason at all. You need to think long and hard about this but one way or another you need to make a decision because your not being fair to anyone, you also need to confess your infidelity to your bf, as he has a right to know. It may be a good idea to as someone else said try being single for a while and figure out what you want. But I will also stongly agree wth someone earlier who said that a friend who waits until your vulnerable and then makes his move to get with you is no friend at all, and I would advise you to treat him with caution ad question his motives.

Let the BF go. He deserves so much better. Oh and when you say "if" my boyfriend had only told me such and such at the beginning of our relationship, you would not have cheated. What a crock of bs. But i guess you need to tell yourself something so you don't feel like such a treacherous person. Please, if you like this guy at all, drop him. Let him find someone who can be true, and will love him with more then the limited commitment you can muster.

I'm not sure I agree with telling your BF what happened.

If you do, he lives with it and may become very hurt, but it would be off your chest. If you don't, you live with it and may feel very guilty, but you protect his feelings. Perhaps it's best to ride things out for a while before saying anything at all.

Whilst I agree it's not best to stay with someone after feeling 'guilted' into staying, I also wonder (as a general question) - do all relationships eventually become a bit stale, and any "new person" you find will gradually be the same way?

I've heard you have to work at all relationships to keep a spark going, and sometimes it helps me to remember back to the first sparks and realise this is the man I'm with, and I should feel lucky.

Other times I believe that - if a relationship is right, it naturally flows and doesn't need constant attention.

I think, when it comes to considering "another", we are all hoping to find that naturally-flowing relationship which doesn't always end up fizzing out to one extent or another, that doesn't require constant attention and working hard to keep the spark going.

If I were you, I may hold back from saying anything for the time being until you know the reprecussions and side-effects, one of which would definitely be that he could end up being very hurt.

If I were in this situation, I think I'd rather live with my own guilt, even if just for a while, because -- I would know in my heart that I made a mistake, but in the mind of my partner, it may be taken much worse that it would have been intended and get blown out of proportion.

Affairs aren't always about who "your partner" is, but more about who "I" am and choices I made, and if "your partner" can be spared any hurt from an affair, then my opinion is that it is the best choice, even if just for the moment.