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Thread: He text after four months...

  1. #1
    nanana
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    He text after four months...

    Okay, a bit of background. Both early twenties. Both first loves. We were together 2 and a half years. I was madly in love with him but there was a lot of hot and cold on his part and he often put his friends way before me. In the end he said he didnít want a relationship 4 months ago. We still spoke almost daily for the first 2 weeks. The last time we spoke on the phone he said we could meet up soon. Said he still loved me, his feelings hadnít changed, he just couldnít handle a relationship. Then I never heard from him again. Cold, hard NC on his part.

    I made a few attempts at contact, with weeks between each attempt which were all ignored, so I eventually went full NC and have been that way for about 2 months now.

    So Iíve just had a completely strange week. The NC was working well for me, I was healing nicely minus a few moments of over-analysing or getting upset. Iíd made peace with the idea that I was never going to hear from him again and I was thinking of him less and less.

    Then Sunday night, for the first time in months, I was laying in bed and I could remember what it felt like when he hugged me. I know that might sound weird to you all, but Iíd completely forgotten how it felt no matter how hard Iíd tried, and suddenly it just came to me, and I started crying for the first time in about a month. It was strange.

    Then Monday I woke up feeling fine. I was sitting at work and I got a call from a blocked number. I answered and they hung up. Instantly I thought Ďthat was him. Heís checking to see if thatís still my numberí because Iíd told him I was going to change it to try and move on (but never did because I thought Iíd never hear from him.)

    Two days later on Wednesday, I happened to glance down at my phone, and for the first time in FOUR MONTHS he was initiating contact. He text me, telling me how heíd been trying to decide for a while whether or not to contact me because he thought Iíd be angry and that heíd have no right. The text seemed a bit nervous, and he ended it with Ďxís, something he never used to do to anyone but me (heís not a very affectionate person), and had never done since the split.

    I left it hours before responding before making a tiny bit of conversation. I eventually told him I could no longer text as I was at work but asked if he would like to chat at a later date. He said he definitely would and that heíll talk to me soon.

    Now I feel like an idiot. Part of me thinks I shouldnít have replied after he ignored me sometimes. Part of meís hoping he calls and wants to meet him. Part of me hopes he forgets and never calls ever again. I change my mind from one minute to the next!

    And now heís done this, I miss him, for the first time in months. And I feel so sad that itís come to this. I loved this boy so much, why did he have to treat me so badly?

    I know him well enough to know that he wouldnít have bothered contacting me unless he still cared or had feelings for me. Believe me, thatís just the way he is. But Iím just not sure I can bear speaking to him, as much as I miss him.

    What do I do next, do I call him or wait for him to initiate? I donít want reconciliation any time soon but I like the idea that years down the line we might figure things out.

    And another thing; anyone have any ideas why heíd get in touch after all that? Friends and family insist he probably regrets things (I was a good girlfriend to him) but that I should stay away.

    Any input would be hugely appreciated!

    I still canít believe Iíve heard from him after he blocked me out for four monthsÖ

  2. #2
    Mustachio
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    Well its hard to say what his exact motivations are at this point. But your family is probably right, he is feeling guilty for things he did and is reaching out in some way to quiet his conscience.

    On your end, I would try and figure out what exactly it is you want. You say you dont want reconciliation, but do you think you would be able to handle having him in your life as a friend right now? It sounds like you are not completely over the breakup (even though you are doing well) so chances are, talking to him on a regular basis is only going to set you back.

    You say you would be open to the possibility at some point down the road of getting back together, and based on that. I would say maybe attempt some contact with him, but let him initiate. Keep your expectations low, and closely watch how that contact makes you feel and if it is making you feel worse, cut it off again until you are ready.

    Just remember, you owe him nothing, so do what is best for you.

  3. #3
    nanana
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    See that's what I'm afraid of, that he was only contacting me to see if I hate him and to clear his conscience, and now he sees I don't, he feels at peace again and won't bother contacting me any further.

    Do you think he'll bother calling or maybe he's expecting me to call? I don't really know what to think... We went on holiday shortly before the break-up, and suddenly memories of that are back in my head...

  4. #4
    Mustachio
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    Hmm, that one is hard to say too, however it seems that you really didnt give him much info from your short chat so if he is curious then yes he probably will call.

    I know this doesnt feel great right now, but remember how you felt before he contacted you, you were doing fine. Dont contact him, let him contact you if he is going to. You need to just keep focusing on yourself and doing what you need to do for yourself.

  5. #5
    nanana
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    The thing is, I don't want to take his guilt away! He treated me badly! And if he doesn't want to work towards making things ok between us (even just as friends) I at least want him to recognise that what he did was wrong...

    But yeah, I gave pretty much nothing away to him. I imagine he'd have been surprised by how nonchalant and casual I was and he will DEFINITELY be surprised I haven't tried to contact him since. He's used to me chasing, but I don't feel that way anymore. I want to take care of myself.

  6. #6
    Mustachio
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    Yea, you said it yourself, you dont want to chase him, so dont. It doesnt matter what he wants, only what you want until if or when he offers you something more, something you can believe and trust and he has given you nothing so far except a few scraps.

    Unless he really really seems to be coming around and you can actually believe he is offering you something more, then dont let this contact throw you off the path you have already started for yourself.

    Just let him do the initiating of contact and dont let your old emotions get in the way of what you know you need to do for yourself.

  7. #7
    nanana
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    Thanks Mustachio you've been really helpful.

    I've got loads of plans this weekend so that will keep my mind off things. If he doesn't call within 2 weeks, then any contact he makes after that will be ignored by me for good, because I'll know that he's just throwing crumbs and isn't really bothered about me, just about his own guilt. That seems fair, right?

  8. #8
    RobD70
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    Whatever you do, keep your distance some and keep your feelings to yourself. Like you were thinking, don’t let him get too comfortable with you and think you are still interested in him again. He has to earn his way back and convince you he’s worth it. If anything act annoyed with him.

  9. #9
    nanana
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    Really? Act annoyed? I'm just not a very assertive person. I know that he knows I care about him still, because it's just the kind of person I am.

    Trouble is, when I said I can't text at the time and that we can chat some other time, I did mention that I sometimes wonder how he is.

    Too nice of me perhaps?

    I don't know how to act annoyed. Would this really make him care more or work harder or would he just think I'm being mean?

  10. #10
    Mustachio
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    You might be overthinking things, I think the vest thing for you to do now is just continue to go about your life, for you. If he makes some real effort to try and be in your life in some way then you can decide just how much you choose to let him in or not, it's all up to you buyer don't forget that it's about you and what makes you happy, and if him being in your life makes you happy then fine, but if not, no harm no foul.

    Best of luck with everything, just be aware of your emotions and be more aware of your rational thoughts so your emotions don't get the best of you.

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