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I think I know this is a bad idea..


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but I'm in need of a reality check. My paranoia is taking over me.

 

This morning I had this idea that when my boyfriend comes home tomorrow,

I could ask to see his phone. Cause if he's got nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem, right?

 

See, he hasn't done anything to make me think I need to see it. But ever since the skype thing happened, I can't help but be paranoid.

And yes, we are trying to work on this so I'm thinking that this idea of mine will only make him think I don't trust him/I'm not trying to.

 

It's just so freakin' hard. Because if I did look at his phone and found nothing (which would probabl be the case), I would feel so much better.

 

And if I found something, at least I'd know!

Anyways, please tell me your thought..

is it understandable that I'd want to look, even to him??

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I'm going to have to bust out the pathetic tactic here and quote what I heard in a Lady Gaga video... "Trust is like a mirror...you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bleepity bleep reflection."

 

No truer words there. I don't know if you will ever trust him again. You have to just do it if you're going to. You have to completely leave all of your reasoning and thoughts behind and just trust him. I don't know if that is a good idea, honestly.

 

In a perfect world I would say break up, work on yourself, get some counseling to work on the trust issues you may have naturally and find someone you know is on the same page as you. They're out there.

 

 

In any case, I wish you luck.

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Agreed. If you chose to forgive him, it's unfair to continue to hold it against him. I KNOW how hard it is to fix something after there's been trust broken...but again, you chose to move past it. You either tell him your apprehensions, so you can work on it together, or you try to get over it. But being paranoid will only turn you into a psycho, sooner or later, trust me. So, talk about it or don't...but something needs to be done.

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It's just that last time I tried to talk about it, it was about the third time.. and he kind of saying like "you need to stop bringing it up" and so now I don't feel like I can..

and I don't really blame him, I mean, I've already asked if I have to worry and he said no

but at the same time I feel like I deserve to be able to tell him I'm feeling insecure

although that's not good for the relationship.

 

How long does it take for it to feel better?

Or will I always feel down about it?

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You can't bring it up anymore. He either made a mistake he deserves to live down or he doesn't want to hear about it because he doesn't care he did it and will do it again, yanno?

 

He already knows you are insecure, trust me. He chooses how to deal with that and whatever is left over sort of spills into depression for you.

 

I think counseling would help you, but you will feel down about it as long as you worry about it. As long as you don't forgive him and don't trust him, this will be a slow cancer.

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-D-

 

I've been following your posts recently since I'm in the exact situation you are in, and yeah I agree, IT SUCKS.

 

Listen to these guys, you need to let it go since you decided to work it out with him.

 

Personally I found it really hard to simply move on, and act like it never happened, I felt like my GF was getting a free walk while I was stuck feeling awkward. Originally whenever we were apart I was constantly wondering if my GF was still engaging in inappropriate behavior. Recently I've been a lot less insecure, I think this is partly due to the fact that I stopped bringing it up, and stopped checking up on her. I still feel the urge (lol somewhat often actually) but I immediately push it down because it's not helping me. I know from experience that finding nothing proves nothing, and our SOs are going to be alone to hide it better this time around if they so choose.

 

You have go to learn to trust again, and until you do fake it. You don't need to check up on him to know something is up, listen to you gut and trust in yourself. If you feel that things are still off it may be time to split.

 

It does get better, but it's ultimately up to you.

Good luck.

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Lack of trust in a relationship will eat you from the inside out. I would say give it some more time as you are obviously wanting to make this work. If you keep feeling weird or it gets even worse, you need to seriously think about bailing. It is not a lost cause though. I was once in love with someone I trusted totally...she broke the trust after 8 great years, not with another person, but with drug use. We were so deep that it was not that difficult to forgive and forget because there were so many other solid things about her.

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could youy link me to where you discuss the skype situation?

 

I can just tell you.

 

Basically, back around April/March I noticed he was being kind of distant. I knew he had been feeling a bit smothered by me and he wanted space to do his own thing. So I was trying to give that to him. I wasn't sure exactly why he had been acting strange though.

 

Then, May comes and things are back to normal, he is himself again and no worries. Things were actually going really well. He left for one weekend and for some reason I decided to wander onto his skype and I found a conversation between him and a girl that was dated back at the end of April. He hadn't talked to her since then. Basically he told her he missed her, she was pretty, and he wanted to snuggle her to sleep.

 

NOT right. So I confronted him and he said he was going through a rough time and he messed up. He said he was going through the rough time and THEN he talked to her, he didn't act distant because he wanted an affair or anything. Either way it really hurt. He said he didn't know why he did it, he was just messed up for a bit.

 

So when things were weird between us was when it happened, and it stopped when things were going well. I'm hoping it was just a one time thing.. cause he's never made me think something was up except for that time. :S

 

Now I find myself wondering if he's talking to other girls behind my back all the time.. and it's so hard.

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awww I am sorry sweetie. totally understandable where you are coming from. For YOU you have to get over it, but I understand the peace of mind that comes from KNOWING (by checking the phone) but he could always delete stuff too... so does it really matteR? try not to get into checking habits.... I'm guilty too!

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awww I am sorry sweetie. totally understandable where you are coming from. For YOU you have to get over it, but I understand the peace of mind that comes from KNOWING (by checking the phone) but he could always delete stuff too... so does it really matteR? try not to get into checking habits.... I'm guilty too!

 

It's soooo hard not to check! I mean, I could probably get into his facebook account if I wanted, but I have never let myself. Part of me wants to but the other part is telling me how wrong it is..

 

At least I know the warning signs for next time. It was when he acted distant that it happened. So I'm hoping as long as he's being himself that nothing is going on. My sister said she thought he was a decent and honest enough guy that if something was going on, I'd be able to tell. So far that's true..

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-D-, do you really want to carry on a relationship where you're sort of "waiting" for him to break your heart again? It just isn't fair. I don't get the sense that you really believe he won't do it again...

 

It's still quite fresh in my mind. I think in the beginning I pretended it didn't bother me. But now I'm letting it hit me and it's sinking in. I'm hoping it will get easier and I want to believe he won't do it again. He hasn't given me any reason to think he would (well, besides the act itself), but he's been putting in my effort, etc.

 

Don't you think that in the beginning after being cheated on, it's kind of normal to expect your heart to get broken again?

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It's still quite fresh in my mind. I think in the beginning I pretended it didn't bother me. But now I'm letting it hit me and it's sinking in. I'm hoping it will get easier and I want to believe he won't do it again. He hasn't given me any reason to think he would (well, besides the act itself), but he's been putting in my effort, etc.

 

Don't you think that in the beginning after being cheated on, it's kind of normal to expect your heart to get broken again?

 

Absolutely it is normal. There are a lot of emotions and hurt going on. I am speaking from experience, is all... my ex was like this. I tried so hard to trust him but I never could again and we split.

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Because of his actions, you cannot depend on his word anymore. Check his phone, check his facebook. If you never find anything, start trusting him again. If you find something minor or questionable, don't tip him off so he starts hiding evidence. Keep paying attention until you find out for certain.

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Because of his actions, you cannot depend on his word anymore. Check his phone, check his facebook. If you never find anything, start trusting him again. If you find something minor or questionable, don't tip him off so he starts hiding evidence. Keep paying attention until you find out for certain.

 

For real?

I wanted to check his phone, but I wanted to do it with him with me.. to see how he'd react. As much as I want to, I don't know if I could do that. And if I found anything, I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself. I'd be so upset.

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Absolutely it is normal. There are a lot of emotions and hurt going on. I am speaking from experience, is all... my ex was like this. I tried so hard to trust him but I never could again and we split.

 

I'm sorry you went through that

What happened with you two if you don't mind me asking?

If he had physically cheated on me, I don't think I could forgive him..

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He was lying about his ex...wouldn't admit they were friends which would have been fine but he went to great lengths to hide it. Then he got really buddy buddy with another girl and I was hold he crossed a line with her, then another but I only ever saw messages.

 

Good relationships don't include this crap.

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For real?

I wanted to check his phone, but I wanted to do it with him with me.. to see how he'd react. As much as I want to, I don't know if I could do that. And if I found anything, I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself. I'd be so upset.

 

 

 

If he knows you're checking, he can start hiding things. Then you have to wonder what he's hiding, and why is he hiding anything?

 

He can't have his phone with him at all times. He has to sleep, he has to take a shower.

 

And if you find something, don't keep it to yourself. But if you just find a text that says "Hello Suzy", don't flip out about Suzy until you know more. If you confront him without actually knowing anything, then he could always explain it away and still leave you wondering.

 

If you can't trust him, but you don't want to leave him, I don't see any other way to resolve your problem without snooping a little.

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I wouldn't check his phone, as hard as it is. I only say this because I was once your shoes and checking the phone/email is never a good idea. It will only make you want to check up on him more often and you will only feel relieved once you have been able to do so.

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i agree with faithful. once you give in, once will never be enough. you'll just continue until you're basically keeping logs of his life. as hard as it is, you have to do your part in trusting him again. don't be the person who didn't try hard for the relationship. be the person who did everything they could, and if the relationship did happen to fall apart, you could at least rest easy knowing you held up your part. nobody said it would be easy but you have to take the difficult conscious efforts to not snoop. you said it yourself, you are better able to detect the signs of when he's being distant. if you really feel you can't trust him, then break up. why continue putting yourself through this misery?

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If he hasn't doesn't done anything to make you think you need to see it, then why do you need to see it? Why are you paranoid? I think you need to ask yourself this question.

 

If you just ambush this guy for no reason I don't think he's going to take to this well. I know I wouldn't. And you'll look especially foolish if, as you expect, there's nothing there.

 

IMO, you shouldn't do that kind of thing without cause. If you have cause, then maybe discretely check it when he's not around. The opportunity will come up. You just have to wait for it.

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OH my..Just wanted to say I'm in the EXACT same senario I feel for you... It's hard.

Sometimes people can not technically cheat, but do something they felt they needed to lie about or hide and it can rattle trust just as badly as actually cheating.

I just posted a thread "how to build trust that has been rattled" for a very similar situation involving an ex-girlfriend as well.

*hugs* I know it's hard.. I'm also paranoid about my bf's cell phone... He's understanding that he messed up so he says I can check it anytime I want (we live together)... So it does help, but I still fight not to check it at times of weakness. Not sure if it's helping or not.. 9 times out of 10 I don't check it.

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