am I the one doing damage now?

My thoughts have been driving me crazy for the last couple days. Ever since the skype incident, I feel so insecure and paranoid.

For those of you who don't know, basically (as far as I know and as far as the skype records go) my boyfriend had a flirty conversation with a girl on skype where he said things like "you're pretty, I wanna snuggle you to sleep" and I found it and confronted him.

Things were weird between us about two months ago. I thought it was just me, but now it makes sense after I found out that was going on. He said he was not sure what was going through his head, but he was going through something weird and he didn't know why he did it. He said it had been over a month since he talked to her.. which would make sense because before I found out things were going really well between us. So my guess is that he started when he was feeling down about us, and then felt better and stopped.

NOT justifying it in anyway..

but ever since then, I feel so paranoid, confused, and insecure.

Any time I see he has a new FB friend that's a girl, anytime one writes on his wall, etc. I want to tell him that it bothers me, but I fear that will only ruin us.

Right now we are doing good.. he has put in effort and things feel better.

But then I have thoughts like.. what if he was talking to other girls the whole time we were dating, what if he still is, etc, and I get all upset and want to talk to him about it. So last night I asked him if I had to worry and he said no, but that there was no point in bringing it up. I said it scared me that I was so stupid last time and now I see conversations with girls on FB (innocent ones) an I get insecure.. and he didn't really say much.

He's not the kind of person to give me constant reassurance in any situation.. but I feel like that's what I need and I hate it.

How do I make myself feel better?

I am giving him another chance and He has told me I can trust him and has made the effort to make me feel better but the more I bring it up, I can see it is an annoyance to him and to myself..

I really need advice here..

I'm just confused because if the situation was reversed, I would handle it a lot different than him.. like apologizing profusely and reassuring him a lot

and he apologized once or twice, has made quite an effort to make it up to me, but aside from the first conversation, not much reassurance..

how I'd love to hear..

I love you and you're the only one for me so don't worry.

Or something like that..

Once trust has been broken, its very hard to get back.

My now ex broke the trust many a times. And then said she would do anything to get it back. I found myself in your shoes where I was constantly insecure. In the end, the relationship ended as that is now way for either of us to live.

I dont know what to tell you. You are justified, and he should be supportive.

Once trust has been broken, its very hard to get back.

 

My now ex broke the trust many a times. And then said she would do anything to get it back. I found myself in your shoes where I was constantly insecure. In the end, the relationship ended as that is now way for either of us to live.

 

I dont know what to tell you. You are justified, and he should be supportive.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that..

I know I am justified. And I know he is not one for feelings at all, he never has been. He gets annoyed when I get upset usually (well, he didn't for this the first time cause I was right) but if I brought it up again it was an annoyance and itmakes me feel terrible.

i feel like you, too. i am hoping he will bring it up and explain, but nothing. back to routine day, talkig bout the same things, as if we never had that conversation.

I am trying to focus on myself, working out, dressed a little extra special today, applied the vixen makeup like i used to, just to make myself feel more confidence. it actually works.

I am starting to learn that no one will ever love me the way i want. 50% of that is the men i choose, the other 50% is who i am.

I hope you feel better.

If a boyfriend of mine said that to other girls, I wouldn't be able to cope with it. You have to wonder what his motivation as behind it.

If a boyfriend of mine said that to other girls, I wouldn't be able to cope with it. You have to wonder what his motivation as behind it.

I appreciate your comment

and yes, I am having a hard time

but we are still going to try to work things out

No worries. If you find something else similar or anything incriminating though, run.

No worries. If you find something else similar or anything incriminating though, run.

I probably would.

I just wish I could talk to him about how I feel but he wants to hear nothing of it after the first time. Maybe he can't face what he did wrong? I don't know.

Oh, I am so sorry you're having to go through this.

I don't know about the rest of your relationship, so I can't really comment on what you should do as far as "stay or go." But I would certainly see this for exactly what it is - an emotional affair. This would point out a major character flaw in him to me. When the going gets tough, he doesn't stand by you and talk to you and try to fix your relationship problems at any cost - he goes on the internet and snuggles some other woman to sleep. That's beyond pathetic.

And now he's playing the chicken role because he's a guy and, well, he just doesn't like talking about "feelings" and stuff. What a pant load! If he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to be a man, grow a pair, and admit that he did wrong and apologize and present you with a solid plan/proof to reinforce his profession that this will NEVER happen again.

It's very true, trust is a VERY difficult thing to reestablish once given very clear reasons why it should be withheld. If I stayed, (which I don't think I would), this SO would be on paper-thin ice for a very long time.

Sorry for the rant...I guess I'm on a roll today.

I think all guys flirt now and then, even if they are taken. Its an ego thing for them! I don't think he's cheating on you or anything.

I think chatting up the supermarket check out girl for 30 seconds as she rings up your groceries could fall into the category as a harmless ego boost.

Being electronically face to face with someone and telling them you want to snuggle them to sleep is something else. That sounds a bit beyond flirting to me.

I know everyone has their own line drawn in the sand.

Oh, I just want you to know that he did apologize, admit he was wrong and he listened to me very well when I found out and was considerate of my feelings. He said it would never happen again and that I could trust him. He hasn't done anything shady since..

It's just that I'm the kind of person who needs to talk about something more than once.. if I'm feeling insecure, I wanna be able to tell him and for him to reassure me. But after the first talk we had, well the second one, he just said I needed to stop bringing it up. I guess I can see his point, why dwell on it? But I feel like I need reassurance sometimes.

I'm very confused at the moment. I'm going to give him another chance obviously.. but I'm scared he's talking to other girls and I don't even know it :S although he hasn't given any indication that's happening.. because at the time that it did, we weren't doing so well.. but afterwards when he stopped we were great. And we're doing good now too..

So I dunno..

Had he not been understanding that I was upset and not apologized, I would have had a much harder time staying with him.

I just wish I could talk to him about it now. I guess I want a better explanation as to why it happened, but I can't get that from him because "he was in a weird place in his life and doesn't know what he was thinking or why he did it"

I know that for a while he hated where we were living and felt a bit smothered by me..

Since it is your decision to stay together, you need to find a way to trust him again, stop pestering him about it for the survival of the relationship, and stop snooping for your own sanity. I can't say it will be an easy task. But if you want to move forward and be happy, you know that's what you have to find a way to do. You don't want to spend the rest of your life second guessing innocent conversations he has with girl/friends he has on FB.

Maybe if you think it will help, ask him to talk about it one more time - for your own closure on the issue - with the promise to never bring it up again. Try to think of all of your questions beforehand, as your conversation may get a bit emotionally driven.

And of course, this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep a wary eye open in the future...

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely take it into consideration..

Sometimes I just need a reality check.