Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: I put my foot down

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    245

    I put my foot down

    My emotions have been all over the place regarding my ex bf. When he first dumped me I was distraught and vowed to fix all of my problems so that he would take me back. I was still very hung up on him until he went out of town and I hit it off with another guy (nothing came of that, but it reminded me that I can be happy without him) and started to enjoy my single life more and feel more independent. But last night I went to see him, and it knocked me down a few notches again. My feelings for him resurfaced and I was reminded how difficult it is to spend time with him without being able to be with him

    Anyway, once I got home, it was all eating away at me and I decided I needed to talk to him. Initially I just wanted to tell him that I didn't want to wait for him in limbo anymore because it wasn't fair. But the convo evolved, with both of us discussing what we wanted and didn't want from a possible future relationship and what we needed to do to get there, etc. We have discussed the possibility of reconciling before, and his stance last time was that he did want to get back with me, he just didn't know if we would change enough so that a healthy relationship was possible. He agreed to give me a chance so I could show him that we could be a lot better off. So from my POV, we were already trying to reconcile, and were just taking things slow for now. Well, last night, he changed his story up. He started saying that we were just friends for now and maybe we could try to reconcile later (even tho I'd been under the impression that we were trying to do that already), and he was enjoying being single. Needless to say I was quite upset at yet ANOTHER change in his position (he's been waffling around since the breakup and it seems his opinion changes every time) and called him out on it. He admitted that he was having trouble separating the idea of me (who he wants) from the idea of our past relationship (which he does not want).

    I've been strung along quite a bit already but enough was enough. I told him that he needed to work out those problems on his own, and I didn't want to be involved in any of the bs in the meantime. I told him to please leave me alone and don't contact me until he sorts himself out and makes up his mind. So I guess we're NC for now. I've never done this before and I'm already on shaky ground, I hate the idea of cutting him out from my life. But I know I need to do this for my own wellbeing Did I handle this situation well? Any tips on how to stay strong during NC?

  2. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    london
    Posts
    21
    Gender
    Female
    u did handel it well u need to let him know he cant keep messing you aroung like this, he either want to be with you or doesnt and cant pick u up and drop you every 5 mins when it does and doesnt sute him, what about you, look after yourself if he or another man comes along great if not for a while, be happy with yourself and know you dont need him and will be perfectly fine without him, th world won't stop turning, xx

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    13,247
    Just remind yourself that regardless of what he said about wanting to reconcile, he just wasn't going it. In fact, he was keeping you around on a shelf to play with when he was in the mood, but leaving all his options open to chase other women at the same time.

    There is just nothing in that scenario for you. You're not getting your needs met, and you're in love and being hurt by him refusing to be your boyfriend and wanting to be free to chase other women and not be accountable to you.

    So staying in contact with him wasn't getting you any closer to your goal, while constantly hurting you.

    Also remind yourself he has your number, and any time he is ready to be your boyfriend again, all he has to do is pick up the phone and call you and let you know that. But as long as he's not doing that, there's no point in you being super attached to him while he isn't interested in a relationship.

    So work on healing and moving on. Maybe he'll come back, but in the meantime, you don't want to be his security blanket while he chases other women.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member uncomfynumb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    someplace between Venus and Uranus
    Posts
    1,255
    Gender
    Female
    You did the right thing. Just stick to your guns. If you do that, I promise you that it will work out for you because there are plenty of men out there that do want to be your boyfriend.

    ((hugs))

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    United States
    Age
    38
    Posts
    31,720
    Gender
    Female
    Cutting him off is the right thing. This guy seems like he's more interested in chasing girls and keeping you on a leash than being with you again. Chin up.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    245
    Thank you all so much for the encouraging words, I definitely needed them. I feel a little bit better now but it's still a long uphill climb For what it's worth, I don't think he's interested in chasing other girls. I was his first/only gf and we were very serious, he's said he just doesn't want a relationship right now and I think he's excited about being single so that he has time for his friends and himself without having to worry about anybody else. Still, I know better than to just take that as fact, I know anything's possible.

    He's said a lot of encouraging things - "I still love you", "I miss you", "I want a good relationship with you", etc. - but he hasn't acted on them at all. I was so eager to please him and get him back that I allowed him to rope me in with those words and I became a total doormat. Now I realize that I deserve to be treated better, and I can't be expected to do everything to "fix" our relationship. I did tell him that last night and made sure he knows that if he does want me in his future, he has to try just as hard as I have. The ball's in his court now whether he's willing to put in the effort or not. I don't have any hopes but I suppose time will tell. I think he legitimately means well and does care for me but he has a lot of tendencies (does not take responsibility for his faults, immature at times, a bit selfish) that I can see impairing any progress. While I've addressed my personal problems and thrown myself into becoming a better and happier person, he's been coasting and I don't think he even sees his own faults, let alone has the incentive to work on them. I'm not discounting the idea of a reconciliation entirely, but I am pushing myself past the stage of longing for it and expecting it, because that's been holding me back far too much.

    I suppose I still don't understand how you could love someone and want a relationship with them but kick them to the curb though. And I probably never will

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    245
    Well, I went ahead and blocked him on facebook chat and aol instant messenger, as well as renaming his contact in my phone to "DONT CONTACT" which will hopefully be a good reminder for me Now I need to decide if I should defriend him on facebook altogether...and if so, I need to work up the courage for that. I know it seems trivial but we've been friends for a really long time and I'm afraid of any of that history being erased. Maybe I should also delete his friends...hmm.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •