Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: Giving space vs chasing when you took the relationship for granted

  1. #1
    Member Strawbridge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    71

    Giving space vs chasing when you took the relationship for granted

    I just wanted to get some opinions on this scenario.

    I've posted my story a few days ago but wanted to start a new thread to ask this specific question.

    I took her for granted we were just friends with benefits from the start of our 6 month relationship but i didn't know that she loved me..even tho the signs were obvious..i guess in that sense i was the typical oblivious guy. During the course of our "friendship" I started to develop feelings for her but it was at this time that she ended it because she had been so hurt because of the way I was treating her when she was so in love with me(i.e. FWB treatment...only seeing her when it was convienent for me etc). I never got a chance to tell her how I felt so when she ended it I told her I loved her and wanted to give the relationship a real chance, but she said she couldn't give me that chance.

    Now since the initial breakup we have caught up 2 times. Once to talk about us and the relationship but she still wanted to stick by her decision. Then I sent a love letter to her telling her all the reasons why we should give it a chance and that I loved her from the start but was scared to commit and that i'll never find anyone like her again etc etc. Then she told me that she'd think about it as the letter was the most beautiful thing she'd even been given. Then we caught the second time about a week after I gave her the letter and she still stood firmly with her decision not to give me a chance, even tho she admitted to still having feelings for me. She said she still wants me in her life (I guess as friends) as she thinks I am an amazing person but needs some time as she said the last time we caught up was hard for her and very sad. I could see that. I know she's using her head to make this decision and not her heart because I could see how much it was killing her to end it with me and not give me a second chance.

    Now my question is that in this situation where I took her for granted in the relationship wouldn't chasing her be better than giving her space because it shows that i really care for her? It just seems to me that giving her space is reinforcing the mistakes I made during the relationships...i.e. not being there for her when she needed me.

    I wrote her the letter and caught up with her twice after the breakup. Is this enough to show her i care? or do i need to fully go after her...but at what point does this push her even further away?

    Another thing I'm confused about is her comment on the letter..."it was very beautiful but they are just words" . Does that mean she wants me to take action even tho she has said to give her some time?

    Very confused and heartbroken and can't stop crying....(yes and I'm a grown man but it just comes on and today is pretty bad)
    Strawbridge.

  2. #2
    JusticeLaw9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Wash, D.C.
    Posts
    1,131
    Gender
    Male
    Grown men cry too. We're not immune to emotions as we'd like to be.

    I wish I could give you other words of advice but being in a 6-month fling is quite a bit of time. Not to say that things can't get better between you two, but I'm guessing that she's thinking if after soiling her oats for 6 months you didn't think she was good enough then, she isn't good for you now. But for the sake of the wishlist, if you really truly want something with this woman then you need to prove that to her. It still may not work, but if your love is undying for her, then I think it's worth a shot.

  3. #3
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    804
    Gender
    Male
    I hate to be a smartass with a short half-answer, but aren't all of us dumpees guilty of taking our relationships for granted?

  4. #4
    Member (Exchange)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Dubai
    Posts
    104
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by FootofGod
    I hate to be a smartass with a short half-answer, but aren't all of us dumpees guilty of taking our relationships for granted?
    Agreed.

    I think it's best to give her space for the time being, and see where things go from there.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member Strawbridge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by JusticeLaw9
    If you really truly want something with this woman then you need to prove that to her. It still may not work, but if your love is undying for her, then I think it's worth a shot.
    Yeah but is this after giving her some time or is it while the feelings and emotions of the breakup are still running high?

    I know i need to figure out if it's just the company I miss or her and I have..i really think she's just such a wonderful person...i have no idea why i didn't see it before. I've just always been scared of committing fully in my relationships.

    No joke the week that she broke it off with me was the week I had an hour long conversation with my best friend about how I was going to tell her how I felt about her and how i thought she was it...she just beat me to it

  7. #6
    Platinum Member faithful14's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    2,061
    Gender
    Female
    I think if you are serious about being with her, you need to show her with your actions how much you want to be with her. It may mean putting yourself on the line to get rejected but at least it shows that you really want to be with her. And if things don't workout in the end, you can acknowledge the fact that you gave it your all.

  8. #7
    Member Strawbridge's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    71
    Originally Posted by faithful14
    I think if you are serious about being with her, you need to show her with your actions how much you want to be with her. It may mean putting yourself on the line to get rejected but at least it shows that you really want to be with her. And if things don't workout in the end, you can acknowledge the fact that you gave it your all.
    Call me a bit of a clueless guy or whatever, but isn't writing a letter, putting rose petals in the envelope and hand delivering it to her classed as action?...or is there something else I need to do. Do I need to turn up on her doorstep ready to take her out to dinner. Am just getting contradicting advice at the moment...give her space......go after her..although I know every situation is different.

    Perhaps a show of hands as to people who have actually had success with these two approaches. I know a friend of mine won back his ex because he wouldn't take NO for an answer, but then again he was the dumper and there was a 9 month break between. He said the whole time he always knew he was going to get back with her...i wish I had that same optimism.

    My so after having a long conversation with a friend today who has told me to do anything but contact this girl I am now on the verge of planning some kind of contact with her...maybe thursday.

    You see the first time we kissed was on a night when we went to the nature park night hike thing that cost $30 but was incredibly lame. We both had a massive laugh about how pathetic the tour guide was and we ended up kissing the 1st time that night. And i know she likes funny coffee mugs because she always comments about this mug I have at home which says "you smell like butt" and it has this cartoon rabbit on it, she always said it cheered her up whenever she felt down. So my idea is to drive up to this nature park buy a souvenir mug go to her house and say "I have a present that will cheer you up whenever you look at it (because I know this breakup must be hard on her too) but you have to let me take you to dinner first if you want it"...is this the type of thing classed as action. I don't know I probably sound really pathetic at the moment but hey...i'm a mess.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    139
    Gender
    Male
    Hi Strawbridge,

    you think doing something romantic will make her feel good and will eventually get her back. Think again, it will come off as a desperate act, doing something only because she left and now (only now, when she's gone) you realise what you had. I know that's normal with people, we don't notice how good something is until it's gone.

    If she asked for space, give her that.

    the_dawn

  10. #9
    Silver Member TomboyMS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Mississippi
    Age
    53
    Posts
    480
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by the_dawn
    Hi Strawbridge,

    you think doing something romantic will make her feel good and will eventually get her back. Think again, it will come off as a desperate act, doing something only because she left and now (only now, when she's gone) you realise what you had. I know that's normal with people, we don't notice how good something is until it's gone.

    If she asked for space, give her that.

    the_dawn
    Agreed. Let her be for a while.

  11. #10
    Silver Member jenna-is-here's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    U.S.
    Age
    48
    Posts
    531
    Gender
    Female
    If what she is telling you is the truth (or you are hearing it correctly), I think you should go after it. Consistanly and hard for a set amount of time. If she does not budge, then have a deal with yourself that you will back off then (maybe two weeks)?

    Be clear with her about what you want. How you want nothing more than to focus your energy on her and treating her right. Women like to hear things over and over for reinforcement. Take her out and tell her you wont take no for an asnwer;-) In a polite way. Be the man.

    I know some people wont agree with me on this one but I am just sensing that (given: she is telling you the truth), she wants to be convinced because she now feels insecure about your ability to love and treat her the way she knows she deserves.

    If she gives you a CLEAR stop pursuing me, then back off immediately.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •