I know it won't happen overnight..

but I need to work on my self-confidence.

Here's what I know.

-I'm a good person, and I get along well with people. They generally like me.

-I've been told I am pretty/attractive by many

-I have a good body, by media standards anyway

-I am very intelligent and have no reason to doubt that

I am by no means bragging.

I'm saying that even though I am certain of all those qualities I have,

for some reason I still need, crave validation from my boyfriend, and others.

He used to a lot, but I think I've pushed him away by being emotional and overwhelming. It's not that he doesn't anymore, but it just doesn't satisfy my "craving" for the validation anymore.

I need to figure out how to be okay without him while I'm still with him.

Is that possible?

How do I learn to validate myself, even when I know I've got all these good qualities? I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I don't understand why I can't just be happy with myself without needing to hear him or anyone else say it.

Even besides my boyfriend, with all my good marks and I was valedictorian, I am scared to go back to school because I don't know if I'll be successful. It's a shame, really. I know what I could be capable of.

Any advice?

This is very simple. Do you want an equal partner, or a groupie fan?

This is very simple. Do you want an equal partner, or a groupie fan?

I want an equal partner. I am always telling him what I like about him, etc. I guess that would be equal to me. I understand though, that I shouldn't need that to feel good and like our relationship is going well. That's where I'm struggling.

I want an equal partner. I am always telling him what I like about him, etc. I guess that would be equal to me. I understand though, that I shouldn't need that to feel good and like our relationship is going well. That's where I'm struggling.

You'll believe it from him, but not for yourself. Why?

You'll believe it from him, but not for yourself. Why?

I'm not sure if that's the case or if I just feel down when I'm not hearing it from him? Perhaps that's the same thing.

In that case, I don't know. That's what I want to figure out. Because if we ever ended I want to know that I would be okay on my own.

I'm not sure if that's the case or if I just feel down when I'm not hearing it from him? Perhaps that's the same thing.

 

In that case, I don't know. That's what I want to figure out. Because if we ever ended I want to know that I would be okay on my own.

You would be. You'd have no choice. Bills need paid. Life goes on. There are so many other worse things that could happen in this life than a breakup. Look at the people in Haiti, bathed in poverty before a massive earthquake leveled their entire country. Look at the oil spill in the gulf, ruining lives, livelyhoods and leaving a trail of environmental and economic devestation unparalleled in modern times.

There are people who can't work, even though they desperately want to and need to. People who are helpless as their parents or children are taken quickly by murder or accidents, or slowly by disease or apathy.

The end of a relationship is nothing, except to our overly-entitled, decadent western life. First-world problems. You really can be okay no matter what. You just have to choose to be.

You would be. You'd have no choice. Bills need paid. Life goes on. There are so many other worse things that could happen in this life than a breakup. Look at the people in Haiti, bathed in poverty before a massive earthquake leveled their entire country. Look at the oil spill in the gulf, ruining lives, livelyhoods and leaving a trail of environmental and economic devestation unparalleled in modern times.

 

There are people who can't work, even though they desperately want to and need to. People who are helpless as their parents or children are taken quickly by murder or accidents, or slowly by disease or apathy.

 

The end of a relationship is nothing, except to our overly-entitled, decadent western life. First-world problems. You really can be okay no matter what. You just have to choose to be.

Well, when you put it like that, yes I will be okay.

Well, when you put it like that, yes I will be okay.

There you go. It's my personal belief that a lot of time when people "break down" - it's an indulgence because people when they're hurting a lot of times just want to be taken care of.

But what happens when there's no one there to take care of you? It's good to know that no matter what happens, eventually you will dust yourself off, pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other. Because you're a human being and you can make the choice to do the right thing. Because deep down, we're all strong, if we believe we are. And really, why be miserable if we don't have to be?

There you go. It's my personal belief that a lot of time when people "break down" - it's an indulgence because people when they're hurting a lot of times just want to be taken care of.

 

But what happens when there's no one there to take care of you? It's good to know that no matter what happens, eventually you will dust yourself off, pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other. Because you're a human being and you can make the choice to do the right thing. Because deep down, we're all strong, if we believe we are. And really, why be miserable if we don't have to be?

I mean, I know eventually I'd be ok without him. It would take time. But I want to start getting there now. Not that we're going to break up but I need to be confident in myself.

I mean, I know eventually I'd be ok without him. It would take time. But I want to start getting there now. Not that we're going to break up but I need to be confident in myself.

Confidence is its own reward, believe me. I've improved my happiness so much by just believing in myself.

Confidence is its own reward, believe me. I've improved my happiness so much by just believing in myself.

That's inspiring. How did you do it?

That's inspiring. How did you do it?

Well, life really comes down to only two choices. If you're unhappy with yourself, you either accept it, or you work on yourself. That means reading, learning, workout out, setting goals, pushing yourself to be more than what you are today.

I'm going to run a marathon next summer and just a few years ago I could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment without being winded because I was so fat from eating to bury my pain. Guess what? All it did was make me fat and feel worse.

So, now, I set daily goals for myself and I make sure I do what I need to do to reach them. It's nice to look back on a day and know you did your best. You really do feel pride in yourself. That's where it starts.

Well, life really comes down to only two choices. If you're unhappy with yourself, you either accept it, or you work on yourself. That means reading, learning, workout out, setting goals, pushing yourself to be more than what you are today.

 

I'm going to run a marathon next summer and just a few years ago I could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment without being winded because I was so fat from eating to bury my pain. Guess what? All it did was make me fat and feel worse.

 

So, now, I set daily goals for myself and I make sure I do what I need to do to reach them. It's nice to look back on a day and know you did your best. You really do feel pride in yourself. That's where it starts.

Good for you with the marathon. That's awesome.

Very encouraging!

You may be relying on 'getting' validation because you're too frightened to build your own challenges and achievements. Problem is, when you depend on a BF as your source of emotional well being, you put him in a hot seat to 'perform' that function in your life--and that's the perfect way to tire a person out.

You gave yourself a terrific starting point in your last sentence. I can't tell whether you intend to continue school despite being scared, or whether you're using your fear as a reason to not try. Not trying means you can tell yourself you 'would have' been fabulous, but I think you're already seeing cracks in the temporary satisfaction from that position.

You may have been valedictorian, but without feeling valid from within, that can feel like a trick and a trap in quite a few ways. For instance, if you worked hard for your grades, you may fear that college presents a tier of difficulty you won't master. Sure, you won't fail--plenty of less-than-average high school students thrive in college--but the trap is that you've accustomed yourself to perfection, so if you can't do school 'perfectly,' then you don't want to play. If you did NOT work hard and high school came easily to you, then you might secretly believe that your particular school wasn't challenging enough--so you fear that college will be more on par with the rest of the world's level and you'll be busted.

Either way, you may fear dropping from top of class status, so you may want to explore what you'd actually 'lose' by being average along side of everyone else. This is critical, because if your fears win, you lose. A forfeit is not a win--it's a form of stage fright that can wreck your life.

The place I'd start is spending the summer allowing myself to be 'just average' at something. I'd find things that are fun to learn, and I'd permit myself to just BE a beginner. I'd rediscover how to play like a child with nothing to prove. I'd learn strictly for the sake of 'sampling' my likes and dislikes and to expand my focus beyond pulling my life force out of BF.

I'd also consider meeting with a pastor, a life coach, a therapist or anyone who might work with you to explore your fears about school. Even taking or auditing one or two classes a week at a community college might be enough of a stretch to help you conquer something important inside yourself.

Write more if it helps, and best wishes.

Bravo, Hex. How very true.

Life goes on. There are so many other worse things that could happen in this life than a breakup. Look at the people in Haiti, bathed in poverty before a massive earthquake leveled their entire country. Look at the oil spill in the gulf, ruining lives, livelyhoods and leaving a trail of environmental and economic devestation unparalleled in modern times.

 

There are people who can't work, even though they desperately want to and need to. People who are helpless as their parents or children are taken quickly by murder or accidents, or slowly by disease or apathy.

 

The end of a relationship is nothing, except to our overly-entitled, decadent western life. First-world problems. You really can be okay no matter what. You just have to choose to be.