"Breaking up" with my Best Friend/Lover...I can't deal with this :(

Okay so I started seeing my best friend back in December so its been 6 months. We got really close during that time though he had his own issues and didnt feel ready for a relationship. He got badly hurt before and he was of the mentality that a relationship would be the beginning of the end.

Anyways, he was the one who pursued me, did everything. We were seeing eachother for 6 months. Lately he started to grow distant and strange and I noticed this and decided to talk about it last night. It was tearing me up how into me he was and how close we had become but he suddenly started pushing me away.

I guess when this started happening I made the textbook error of pursuing him more, when previously it was him doing all of the work. And the more I made the first moves the more distant he seemed to become.

When we talked about it he said he feels for my sake we shouldnt be more than friends anymore because its hurting me too much and he cant give me a relationship. He also said he genuinely started developing really strong feelings (I felt it too) but that he was "proud" of how "hard" he has become because he has been able to block those feelings and "force them away". He seemed almost completely emotionless but I did notice his eyes looked a bit watery. He says I deserve better and just to forget about him, but he still needs me around as a best friend.

He literally has been my best friend for many years and I feel like Ive lost it all. I want to rewind and go back to being best friends of course but Im not sure I can, it hurts too much.

I cant deal with rejection at all. When someone leaves me, I sit up awake all night every night with knots in my stomach and I constantly feel panicky and anxious, I rarely cry but I become paralysed with fear. I love him and he never loved me. I cant deal with this. We went through a lot, including an unwanted pregnancy and abortion (which I am also still healing over)

He doesnt seem to understand why I cant just go back to normal. Can anyone offer any advice? Im not sure that NC is an option as we have a holiday booked for Sept and I still want to go. But I dont want to feel like this. Also he wants to go cinema on Wed. Since we already planned this I agreed to still go with him, but that afterwards Im going to need some time. His response was: "I dont want to lose my best friend. That is a shame but I need to let you do what you need to do."

ARG

I guess it really is one of those things that people dont understand. No one can help me, gotta just suck it up and help myself somehow

All I know is after my last serious relationship, I never thought I could hurt like this again. At least he wants to be friends..I want that too but its going to be too painful when he starts seeing other people.

Ofcourse its easier for him to back to just being friends again, he's the one who broke up with you. Going to the planned trip and movie because the have already been planned will work for him and against you.

I know it would be hard, but I wouldnt go to either. Its unnatural for you to switch from being lovers to friends. Take some time to get over the break up and take it from there. Yes, NC is an option.

Yeah I understand. Its just hard letting go...I dont want to leave its made even harder by the fact he doesnt give me the space. We had this convo yesterday and he's already hitting me up on IM while Im at work making small talk about my day.

I just dont understand how someone can truly just switch off their feelings like that. Its blatently either because he was never that into me, or it was something I did.

I just wish I could have been special.

I looked through your other threads and it seems to me that this guy was blowing hot and cold on you from day 1. He was constantly giving you mixed messages "come hither, go away" and you were constantly on edge with him never knowing quite where you stood. I don't think you are the one who is not special...HE is the one who is not special. I am not so sure he is as much of a friend as you think he is. To blow hot and cold like that, string you along and the comments he has made are just not friend-like. I think you would do yourself a world of good by distancing yourself from him for a while. Tell him that you can't simply switch your feelings off like that at the drop of a hat and you need time and distance from him for a while. You need time away from him to heal. I am not sure going on vacation with him is a good idea. Either he will be distant from you or he will take the opportunity to get fake close to you, have sex with you and then go back to being cold.

I understand how you feel. Hanging around him will only prolong the healing process, even worse, it could give you false hope as you are likely to try and inteprete his everymove. I broke up with him even though I still loved him (practical reasons). We continued being best friends after the breakup and I knew it would be devastating for both of us when one of us started dating. He did, and I found it uncomfortable and I immediately suggested NC. He did not understand, but he respected my request. I committed to NC for 2 months, and I am now fine with him making contact. Maybe that he's no longer dating the women also plays a part. However, I also feel that have really dealt with the breakup for time first time even though we broke up about six months ago. I also feel that I will not be affected if he chooses to date someone else again.

When he blows cold and I go to walk away, thats when he starts making a point of how much of an "amazing friend" I am and how Im the only person who has never let him down. Its almost like a guilt trip to make me stick around. It just seems to me more and more that he knows he doesnt want me but he gets scared of being alone or something.

He wants that connection without having to commit to anything. I think Ive become like a rock to him and its like a co dependent friendship or something I dunno.

When he blows cold and I go to walk away, thats when he starts making a point of how much of an "amazing friend" I am and how Im the only person who has never let him down. Its almost like a guilt trip to make me stick around. It just seems to me more and more that he knows he doesnt want me but he gets scared of being alone or something.

 

He wants that connection without having to commit to anything. I think Ive become like a rock to him and its like a co dependent friendship or something I dunno.

Time to walk away from him and let him swim on his own. Don't be someone's rock who is not willing to be your rock as well.

God, this sounds a little bit similar to how me and my recent ex started up, as best friends. He wanted more but I wasn't sure, then I went for it because I did feel a lot for him.

Needless to say, it didn't work out because we had too many huge differences and opinions and came from "a different place".

I would say never hook up with someone who is not totally sure, this guy is not sure.

It is now down to you if you could continue being friends or not, my guess is that it will be too hard. People come and go from our lives, teaching us something every time.

I have never had luck going back to just friends. My heart doesn't work that way. I have found I heal better and more quickly when I just cut it off completely. Myself and the "friends" have ended up getting hurt more trying to turn back time. Connection without commitment sounds like a really bad idea, as does the vacation.

He made out like he was totally sure to begin with that's the problem. I even asked him like 3 weeks in if he could see us going somewhere and he said yes. It's only after that he started backpedalling and getting scared.

Im literally sitting here in tears at my desk. How can a person who claims to have real feelings just switch them off? He must have been lying all along, this hurts so much. How could he do this to me? We have been friends for 10 years he should have chosen another girl to do this to.

He went on about it lasting 6 months and that was longer than anyone else and I mean more than anyone else but its just words with no actions. He's probably real happy with himself that he gets to do what he wants now.

I would never have gotten into this if I knew this was how it all ends. How can I mean so little to everyone. This isnt the first time, its like I don't deserve something good.

dating friends is such a bad idea...

Men are notorious for switching their feelings on and off. There's a saying by the author who wrote the Venus/Mars book...that women are like waves and men are like rubberband....they get close and then they pull back. I just don't understand how they could tell us they love us one day and the very next day break our heart into a million pieces. My boyfriend of almost 2 years just recently broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He gave me that stupid speech, " Its not you...it's me"...what a stupid cliche. Anyways, I haven't stopped crying since. You say that you rarely cry, that is not healthy. You must cry to heal properly, otherwise you'll just bottle up your feelings and get panic attacks. Good luck!

Wow sombrechic..Thanks for your input, I hope you are okay *hugs*...

What you said interests me. I find it extremely difficult to cry and when I do its over trivial things, but I think I suppress things subconsciously, block them out..I don't mean to, but I have actually been suffering extreme anxiety and panic attacks for years and it never crossed my mind for one second that the cause could be an unhealthy control over emotional release.

I really had no idea! I mean I do cry sometimes, but at exterior things like movies. If Im really sad I cry but rarely in front of people I wait until Im on my own, and even then I cant always do it! It's mad...

When I do shed a few tears I usually end up looking at myself in the mirror in a weird state of awe lol..

xxx