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Wife wants a separation so she can date, but does not want a divorce


zen2001

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Me and my wife have been together for 12 years (I got married at 21). Our marriage has been great for the twelve years but we had some problems like: arguments and small stuff. Just two weeks ago my wife said that she wants me to move out of our house. I had not seen this coming even though she hinted at it for months, but I didn't take it seriously. The reason she wants to leave is because, she said I stopped doing the things for her to feel special, I never man up to certaqin resposiblity's that she feels a man is supposed to take care of, she out grew me and basically things that can be fixed. I was devastated for over a week. I questioned her why and that I can fix it but she still just wanted me out because she thought she could start a relationship (and she said shes does not feel like shes in love with me anymore) with someone else and maybe it would be better. But, she does not want a divorce because she said that she wants to be able to come back to our marriage if the grass isn't greener. She told me (and I know) that I'm the nicest most loving person she ever met, but she wants someone who has goals (sadly, I havent found that yet), wants good things, and so on. I told her that I want those things also but no matter what man you think you'll find he won't be your perfect man, everyone has their flaws that you have to except. Hell, she's not the most easy person to get along with sometimes but I accept that and I accept her for who she is and I love her for being her. Anyways, I told her that if she wants to venture out, she would have to divorce me. I told her that once she goes out there and finds that what she was looking for was at home, well, I'm not gonna be their anymore and she would have lost a good thing. Now, mind you, we have 2 childrin (9 & 4) would have been enduring this, I want to stay and be the person she fell in love with. I love her with all my heart, and the past few weeks, I acted like a fool from heartache and confusion, screaming , crying (1st time my heart has been broke, I only dated 4 people in my life including her) and its been a burden on her life as well as mine. I don't want her to make this mistake and she does not want to end our marriage, I need some good advice to keep my family together.

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I am going through issues as well. Been married for 8 years, have 2 kids, 5 & 3. My wife is depressed and doesn't want to be a mother or wife anymore and doesn't want the responsibility that comes with it. She does not know why she feels this way and thinks she may be going through a midlife crisis. She is going to a therapist and we just started marriage counseling. In my opinion, and I am not an expert by any means, you should talk to her about marriage counseling to see if you can reconcile your differences before you separate. If she does not want a divorce than she should be willing to give it a try BEFORE you separate. I can't think of anything more selfish than wanting to separate and then come back if it doesn't work for her. I know how you feel, devastated, heart broken, wondering what you did wrong, etc. I feel the same way. Best of luck.

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Request custody (if you want it) and get out of there.

 

Seriously, that's the most heartless request I've ever heard. She expects you to stand by while she tries to fall in love with someone else?

 

I would be so upset right now I don't even know how you're able to type.

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Get custody of the kids, and LEAVE.

How could she do that!?

 

She wants you to be a free agent for her, that if she does not find another man she'll return to you? I can't believe how simply reading words alone can ruin my day, how thoughtless is that?!

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Welcome to ENA,

Do not move out!!!!

If she wants to then fine but do not move out!! It will be used as abondonment in the divorce.

This is called the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" some on here hate that it has a label but that is what you are living through. Google it.

I will ask a few of the people on here that are going through what you are to repsond to you. My ex didn't give me the courtesy of telling me she wanted to date while still married but the results were the same.

Read my first post here

I would suspect that she has already had her eye on someone and may have already done things you do not want to know about. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater so you move out and poof she is dating some loser the next week. In the end it doesn't matter as she is about as selfish right now as a person can get.

Did I say not to move out? Okay just making sure.

There is basically nothing you can do right now to change her mind. She has been planning this for some time and finally pulled the trigger. Begging, crying, getting mad, pleading, promising to change and expressing your love to her will not work and actually do the opposite! For right now assume that there is going to be a divorce and get your financials in order. Make copies of everything, get balances on accounts, look into legal advice and stay calm. I need you to take the high road as well. Do nothing that will not help you. Leave her to her selfishness and fantasy she has built in her mind.

Read through this thread

for some insights and hard won knowledge.

I will have some good friends come see you as well.

 

Lost

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Wow. I'm really sorry to hear this. First thing I'd suggest is to do some marital counseling. See if you can get to the real core of the issue. I have a strong hunch there is already someone else she's been seeing but I could be wrong.

 

If she won't go for counseling then I agree with the others, file for divorce and custody. There is no way I'd agree to be the back up guy in this case. She wants to go explore - fine. You go ahead and move on with your life and let her crash and burn with hers. Just make sure you keep the kids in a stable environment with you.

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First let me say welcome to ENA Zen and I really feel for you, this is awful.

 

Infidelity is not exactly conducive to a good relationship and you're right, everyone has their flaws, to me it sounds like she has a good guy right here. Maybe this is the 12 year itch or something.

 

Wanting to come back "if the grass isn't greener" is, I'm sorry, pathetic.

 

I have to wonder if she isn't already seeing someone, I have known plenty of women who plan this stuff out.

 

I know there are kids involved and you seem like a nice, concientious guy who is willing to work it out, my gut instinct just says go ahead and separate...

 

Infidelity and/or abandonment are good grounds for divorce, I'm wondering if she doesn't want one because she knows she will get the bad end of it.

 

Any chance this could just be a "phase" she is going through?

 

It just sounds awful though, rather selfish from her.

 

Thx

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She's being spectacularly selfish! So she wants you to move out, her life stays the same at home while you're kicked out, and she gets to date other people and use you financially while she does this?

 

I would say absolutely not! If she wants to experiment, SHE must move out and you're not going anyway. Don't make it easy for her to destroy your family and use you. Consult an attorney.

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I agree that you should not move out and if she cheats file for divorce and ask for custody. Do not give in to her demands - if she wants a divorce then let her deal with the consequences but you are under no obligation to make it easy for her.

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wow reading this is amazing (in a spectacularly unfortunate way).

Definitely time to put the legal thinking cap on - who's got the names on the finances, the house. any actions you've done that could be made against you (e.g. violent to her ... but ofcourse you haven't!).

You have done nothing wrong, so why should you move out. On the other hand she wants to separate so she can date but not divorce, well you can see the reactions here, and from your post you know that's low too, so good on you for saying to her a divorce would have to occur first - stand by it!

 

Check that you have feet to stand on, (i.e. a house, money to live, maybe even custody), then at least it'll be up to her being the agressor (cheating or divorcing) and you'll confidently have your ground to stand on.

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she hinted at it for months, but I didn't take it seriously

 

she said I stopped doing the things for her to feel special, I never man up to certaqin resposiblity's that she feels a man is supposed to take care of, she out grew me and basically things that can be fixed.

 

but she wants someone who has goals (sadly, I havent found that yet),

 

Okay...I think there are two sides to this story. You say you haven't found any goals yet...what do you mean by that? Are you working? In what way does she feel like you have stopped doing special things for her? Do you have any addictions or anything that is causing you to lose the focus on your wife and family? Is she really interested in looking for someone new or is she just saying that because she is very frustrated with the marriage. You say she has tried to talk to you and warn you the marriage is in trouble but you kept ignoring her. Is it possible that she wants you out because you have not been pulling your weight in this relationship. Although what she is saying sounds very selfish...we are getting the tone through your perspective and this may not necessarily be the actual intent of what she wants.

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If she has said she wants a separation but not a divorce so she can see other people then take her at her word - it is all you need to know. Under that scenario her reasons are irrelevant and only would be relevant if she wanted to work on the marriage.

 

If she is saying these things to get your attention then she is playing manipulative games that you should not buy into.

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If she has said she wants a separation but not a divorce so she can see other people then take her at her word - it is all you need to know. Under that scenario her reasons are irrelevant and only would be relevant if she wanted to work on the marriage.

 

If she is saying these things to get your attention then she is playing manipulative games that you should not buy into.

 

I think it would help, however, to understand how things got to this point. Also, many people who take their partner for granted and become lazy in the relationship and with their responsibilities often overblow the reaction of the other person who has had enough. Before having a knee-jerk reaction that she should be the one leaving it would be helpful to know if she is throwing him out because he hasn't been pulling his weight, because he has some kind of destructive addiction etc.

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File for divorce on your own. Why would you want to be with someone who would make such a heartless request of you? I know you've been with her a long time, but this is going to cause resentment forever. Cut the cord and be done with her. File for divorce today, the sooner you file, the sooner it will be done.

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She's being spectacularly selfish! So she wants you to move out, her life stays the same at home while you're kicked out, and she gets to date other people and use you financially while she does this?

 

I would say absolutely not! If she wants to experiment, SHE must move out and you're not going anyway. Don't make it easy for her to destroy your family and use you. Consult an attorney, because moving out first might mean she can charge you with desertion and file for divorce.

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Welcome to ENA and I'm so sorry for the circumstances you find yourslef here for. Your wife sounds supremely conflicted and is going about figuring things out in entirely the wrong way. On the one hand she is telling you to move out, but then telling you she doesn't want to break up the marriage? She sounds seriously conflicted and doesn't know what to do. I recommend this site: link removed for some reading and information on how marriages go wrong and what to so about it.

 

First I would see if she is open to councelling, both idividual and as a couple. You both need to work at this, with all your heart and soul, before throwing in the towel. There are children involved that need their mommy and daddy. Even if things don't work out, you will know in your heart that you gave it your all and tried everything to make it work. There won't be any regrets of "Dang, I wish we had tried this before we got divorced" after the fact. She really sounds as if there is more to the story and don't feel bad for being so "blindsided" by her asking you to leave, that is a very common occurrence, the content spouse has no clue that this monster has been growing inside their husband/wife. So, now you know how serious it is, time to make progressive steps and ask for outside help to move forward. You are both way to emotionally raw and too close to the situation to be objective.

 

Please stay strong and take care of yourself, and most of all the kids. They will need you more than you will ever know in the coming time. Good luck and I hope you find peace.

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I see the ball being in her court because she is the one that wants out of the relationship. I think that you did the right thing by telling her that she cannot date other people and still be married to you.

 

While you want to save your marriage, your wife does not appear to have that in mind. I think that you have to shock her and start consulting an attorney to start filing the divorce papers.

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Zen,

 

Listen to 'Lost'. DO NOT MOVE OUT. And from me (as well as others here) flatly refuse to be her training wheels and safety net. If you allow this, you are aiding her in her trip away from you and your family. You do not need to and should not do this.

 

If she wants to see other people, it should be with the knowledge that you are not okay with this and will not support it in any way. She, not you or your children, should move out. If she wants this, it should be as a grown up - high wire, no net, under her own power and on her own dime.

 

While you may not have any ambitious life goals at the moment, you cannot be a spine donor here. If she wants to date, it should be as a single woman. And you should have a little contact with her as possible. Give her 'the gift of missing you'. With my ex, contact (brief phone calls and texts) it about kids and finances only. I won't hear anything else unlesss she wants to have a sincere and substantive discussion about 'us'. In my opinion, that will never happen.

 

Look, I was hearing this kind of stuff from my soon-to-be-ex-wife. She was already involved with someone else. I had detectives get the truth, and it was ugly. Are you sure that your wife isn't? Is she spending a lot of time with friends, etc. in building an alternate life away from you and your family?

 

When spouses do this kind of stuff, you must beware of what you cannot see because you do not want to see. I pretended for quite a while that what was happening was not. Do not do this to you or your children.

 

Others here have given you good advice and asked important questions. Try counseling) individual and, with her, marital), check out who you are (are you working, sober and contributing?). Most of all, what do you want out of this? And under what circumstances? This isn't selfish, its essential to you as a person, husband, lover and father.

 

Please do things for you in all this. Get regular exercise, go to counseling, hang with friends and the like. You'll be stronger and better able to handle whatever comes.

 

I hope that you both succeed in keeping your marriage and family together. Much of the advice here could help with that. But if its going away from you, protect yourself and your children. Watch money, credit cards, retirement accounts. When spouses make the moves your wife is making, they can become people you will not recognize in the blink of an eye. You must be vigilant. Don't be paranoid. But don't act like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Strange things are going on in your marriage. Pay attention.

 

You can do this,

Raoul

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I think it would help, however, to understand how things got to this point. Also, many people who take their partner for granted and become lazy in the relationship and with their responsibilities often overblow the reaction of the other person who has had enough. Before having a knee-jerk reaction that she should be the one leaving it would be helpful to know if she is throwing him out because he hasn't been pulling his weight, because he has some kind of destructive addiction etc.

If someone feels unhappy in a marriage then address the issues and then file for divorce. But to want to separate and date so she gets all the financial advantages of a marriage without the fidelity obligations speaks so badly of her character that his behaviour becomes irrelevant.

 

And why you would quantum leap to imagine some sort of 'destructive addiction' I have no idea. But even if he did that still doesn't justify her behaviour.

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If someone feels unhappy in a marriage then address the issues and then file for divorce. But to want to separate and date so she gets all the financial advantages of a marriage without the fidelity obligations speaks so badly of her character that his behaviour becomes irrelevant.

 

And why you would quantum leap to imagine some sort of 'destructive addiction' I have no idea. But even if he did that still doesn't justify her behaviour.

 

By his own admission in this thread he did not have goals and he did not take her seriously when she tried to address the issues. I am not defending her actions, I am simply saying that before there is a knee jerk reaction that he is hard done by and she is a witch, there needs to be a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the relationship and what caused her to get fed up. I never said he had destructive addictions, I am merely asking the question because that is a legitimate question to ask. Plenty of people on this forum have complained about how they have had to dump their partner because the partner had addictions. It is a reasonable thing to ask the OP..the answer could be no but before I jump on the bandwagon and say she is evil and he is innocent when he himself has made it clear he did not pull his weight I want to get more facts.

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I disagree that it is a knee-jerk reaction. It is an entirely appropriate reaction for someone who is behaving as she is. There is zero excuse for it.

 

I think the addiction question was inappropriate.

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I disagree that it is a knee-jerk reaction. It is an entirely appropriate reaction for someone who is behaving as she is. There is zero excuse for it.

 

I think the addiction question was inappropriate.

 

I agree that her wanting it totally in a way that pleases her is indicitive of being self absorbed without concern for anyone including her children. To ask what she has asked of him is not within the realm of a rational relationship.

 

As for questioning his addictions, it is irrevalent. If the OP, who came here for advice, is the devil himself, she should think about leaving through seperation and/or divorce, not seek self gratification from a source outside of the marriage.

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I agree that her wanting it totally in a way that pleases her is indicitive of being self absorbed without concern for anyone including her children. To ask what she has asked of him is not within the realm of a rational relationship.

 

As for questioning his addictions, it is irrevalent. If the OP, who came here for advice, is the devil himself, she should think about leaving through seperation and/or divorce, not seek self gratification from a source outside of the marriage.

 

Yes, but you are all missing my point. There are lots of people who have not treated someone right and that someone dumps them or ends the friendship...and the person then has their own interpretation of what the dumper is telling them which may not be the real case. Yes, the wife is out of line in what she has said..IF this is indeed what she has said and not the OPs interpretation of something she said. The OP has not come back on here to explain what he meant by not being there for her and not taking her discussions seriously. All we have is one post to go on. Addictions, behaviour issues etc are all VERY important in understanding what went on...to see if it is possible that her frustration may have been talking and not that she was REALLY serious about dating someone. We don't know the context of how she said what she said..whether she was really serious about it or if it was a matter of her lashing out in frustration (which many people do when they are just plain fed up with a partner not pulling their weight). So, yes, I stand by my conviction that there is more that is not being told here and that until I know more, I can't say whether he should or shouldn't be the one to leave the house.

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And you are missing my point. It is true that there are always two sides to a story but asking questions about possible addictions is like asking him if he abused her, or whether he cheated, or whether he is a child molester.

 

I don't know if you have an issue with this particular poster but I think it was insulting and inappropriate to ask a question with that degree of specificity when there is no indication whatsoever in the original post that he has such a problem. As to whether she meant what she said - how is he supposed to know? He obviously thought she meant it and that should be good enough.

 

I am not surprised the OP has not returned.

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