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Thread: Want to move out but don't want to hurt parents feelings.

  1. #1
    Chantal87
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    Want to move out but don't want to hurt parents feelings.

    To start this off I recently moved back home last August. About a year and a half ago, I moved out with my bf(now ex) to an apartment, which didnt work and ended up moving into his parents house for a year..and now im back at home..since August 2009.

    When I moved back my parents were exstatic and said they never want me to leave again (im the youngest-the baby of their kids). My mom decided she wanted to redo my room and im super stoked for that, but im saving up to get my own place within a few years...So the move wont be for another 1 1/2-2 years from now. Im scared that if I mention that I am saving up to move out within that time frame they will get upset again. My mom is very very overprotective to the point of "take your jacket, heres your lunch, where are you going". How can I tell her this? I need my independance, its hard moving out then moving back home again, even though I am still young its a big adjustment to my lifestyle...

    I guess my question is, how can I bring up this subject and when would a good time be? I know eventually she knows I will leave again, but I dont think she thinks I will move out until im about 26 lol and I am not staying at home that long if I dont need to.

  2. #2
    sidehop
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    Well you do have some time and they need to understand you're an adult, not a 10 year old any more. But of course I'd relay that message in a respectful way and do so soon.

  3. #3
    Thx

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    ... on the other hand, I know some 40 year olds who haven't yet moved out.

    You will have a year and a half by your estimate and that is something.

    You will be around 24 then.

    Your mother is of course going to ask "why?"

    She might assume it is her for various reasons like a generation gap, you feel she's too smothering, you want to get away so you can do bad things like dope...

    She's gonna wonder.

    You have a year to come up with the good language to explain to her that it is simply a natural progression and moving to your own place does not mean saying goodbye.

    I wouldn't necessarilly tell her right away you are saving, a lot can change in a year and it might give you a bit more time to reason out this difficult situation.

    Thx

  4. #4
    Celadon
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    Hoo boy, do I relate to your post! I was at home as an adult for longer than I care to share. It was hard moving out because my mother was too afraid to let go of me and I was too afraid to hurt her feelings.

    My advice: Don't let her do too much to your room because you'll only be moving out in a year and a half, which will go by so fast. You must start "conditioning" your mom to understand and expect that you will be moving out by 2012. If it's not too late, as you talk about your room redecorating, let her know that you don't want her spending too much money because you'll only be there for a short while. (But be appreciative, obviously.)

    Second, I would start acting like an adult in their house. Help around the house. Start cooking some of the meals (you could even ask her to teach you, so she knows she's preparing you for independence). Do your own laundry (I hope you already are!). Make your own lunch. Show that you aren't a child because if you act like one, your parents will continue to treat you like one. In a way, you have to teach THEM how to relate to you as an adult. It will be frustrating at times, but since you clearly care about them, just keep at it. Remember, it is healthy for parents to become less parental and more of friends to their children as time goes on. It's not healthy for parents to always treat their children like they are 12. If anything, it is indulgent on the parents' part. They need to help you become the independent adult you need to be.

  5. #5
    Chantal87
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    Thank you K8tie for your reply. The other night we were talking and out of the blue she asked me what I wanted to do with my life...and I mentioned I want to get my own place in a few years. Not the way I intended to bring it up, but its out there now. I think the main thing is she needs to start letting go, and she explained that no matter how old your children are, you will still care and want to know what they are doing..I said yes but to an extent. I am trying to make my own lunches, but whenever I do she takes over..but I will keep working on that. I do help out with dishes, clean my room and do my own laundry and I am recently learning to cook more foods. The room is done already (lol) so I cant do much about that anymore.

    I am actually going to europe with her for a few weeks...just her and me, so we are pretty close in mother daughter relationship. But I also dont think she needs to know every single detail of my personal life. I told her im going to this guys house (ive been seeing him for months) and she asked if i will be ok. I understand she is worried, but its too much sometimes I am an adult even though I am young and the choices I make are my choices whether right or wrong, they are mine to make. I think we need to start working on that together.

  6. #6
    mca1975

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    Don't ever feel bad for wanting your independence and don't let anyone or anything hold you back.

    Sometimes its hard for parents to grant that independence, but they must in order for you to grow, to let you go and live your life is to love you. I have no doubt that you mum will be ok with this.

    Some other mums are not so good. My exes life has been ruined by his mums inability to let him go and be independent, controlling as hell, and a definite reason for our relationship breakdown. It's very sad. Don't let that be you.

  7. #7
    Chantal87
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    Currently saving...lol. Either way, this is starting to annoy me. She told me to be careful with which freinds im hanging out with and asking if they have jobs and telling me that I shoudlnt tell anyone that they are going away for a week. If my friends stay over she said just tell them "we are out for the night" she treats me like im 15 years old sometimes. I have to give her a phone number and address if im going to a friends house out of town (which I understand is a precaution, but really I have a cell phone). Will this ever stop, or will I have to sit it out until I move out for good? Frusterated...

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    Hermes
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    Chantal:

    I replied to you on your other thread. Re the lie.

    Well, you moved back home so no use crying over spilt milk at this stage.

    Yes, you do need your independence, but as I see it you will not have this until you move out and have a place of your own. Then again, I get the impression that you like the "goodies" attached to the situation (going to Europe, having things done for you etc.) but the "price" of those goodies is what irks you.
    In this world there is no such thing as a free lunch, an expression you may have heard.

    All the best
    H

  9. #9
    Chantal87
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    Actually you are wrong...I paid for my entire trip myself all 4500 dollars of it. So im not getting the "goodies" as you call it. And I provide for myself. Either way thanks. I'll figure it out.

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    Hermes
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    Will this ever stop, or will I have to sit it out until I move out for good? Frusterated...
    ...just her and me, so we are pretty close in mother daughter relationship
    Please understand it is confusing to see these two statements.

    H

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