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Thread: Girlfriend has a lot of emotional baggage

  1. #1
    ronsmith
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    Girlfriend has a lot of emotional baggage

    A girl I've been dating exclusively for 8 months pretty much dropped a bomb on me today. She started talking about an ex, a forbidden love, she had a relationship with her much older teacher when she was still a minor, and she started crying, I'm assuming because she's still in love with the teacher. Now I just want to know whether this is a good reason for breaking up with her in your minds. She also said that this professor was better in bed than I was (I asked her though).

  2. #2
    Mauxly
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    Quote Originally Posted by ronsmith [Register to see the link]
    She also said that this professor was better in bed than I was (I asked her though).
    Yikes!! Don't ever ask that question again. And in this case I believe a white lie would have been appropriate. How do you recover from that?

    Nearly everyone has baggage, emotional trauma that you will have to deal with if you love them enough. The question is, do you really love her? Are there things about her that override this, make it worth some of the work you may both have to put into overcoming this?

    If you are looking for a perfect person, with a squeaky clean past, you'll be looking for a long time. Heck, we can't even find a presidential candidate that fits the bill. If over the last half century an entire nation hasn't been able to find a leader who hasn't made some huge blunders in the past, it's hardly likely that you'll find that woman.

    But there are a few things we need to know before we can answer this. How old are you guys? How long ago was the relationship? Why do you think she is still in love with him? Exactly how old was she when it happened?
    Last edited by Mauxly; 04-30-2010 at 02:39 AM. Reason: Because I missed a detail in the original post, asked a question that had been answered.

  3. #3
    misssmithviii
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    Whoa whoa, that's quite traumatic to your relationship to feel inadequate/incompetent compared to some other guy (the professor).

    I cried when I spoke of my ex to my man a long time ago bc I had a bloody split lip and my man had literally saved me from the ex.
    Not because I was overcome by emotions from what should be the past.

    I would be greatly concerned if my man cried over talking about an ex; it'd make me question why he hadn't resolved this emotionally already.

    How long ago was her relationship with her professor?

  4. #4
    misssmithviii
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    Ok I re-read your post... ok so you've been together for 8 months, she was with a pedophile who she says is better than you sexually, and still cries about her "forbidden love" with him, as opposed to crying about how an older man got involved with her (rape trauma etc etc).

    Hmmmm... sounds like she's got some unresolved issues that I personally would be weirder out by. It's your decision to break it off if you want, but either way I'd be concerned of her state of mind...

  5. #5
    emma34
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    If u r weirded out by it and don't feel its worth working on then ya I'd say u could break up with her. Sounds like she is not over what happened, and that is really inappropriate what she said about how he's better in bed.. Geez..

  6. #6
    ronsmith
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    main things that bother me is that she was with a pedophile, she knows this, and she actually really liked him.

    It just makes me feel that she is really perverse and ionno, immoral. And she has a lot of other problems too.

    The only thing is that we are living together and I can't afford to live by myself right now (we split the cost). I'm almost trapped in this living situation (signed a 12 month lease)

  7. #7
    misssmithviii
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    :\ Being trapped in a financial living situation is really difficult... perhaps talk to a friend, a guy you trust who shows great work-ethic so you know you won't be stuck - have him take her place if you're really this uncomfortable with her now (which, I would be too!).

  8. #8
    mmmd
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    this is bad news.

    find a way to bail.

    sorry dude.

  9. #9
    Cardinal
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    She trusts you enough to tell you something like that about her past.

    She also trusts you well enough to answer honestly. There are many men who will be better in bed than you are, and many who will be much worse. Big deal.
    Remember that she didn't have to tell you any of it. And there is also little reason to get caught up in her emotional baggage.

    Assumptions will make an ass out of both of you.

    Impact on your current relationship is not clear without time and further discussion.

    I take it you might have other reasons for wanting to break up and move out? The two things you mentioned in isolation wouldn't be enough for me. That she "she has a lot of other problems" may not bode too well though. Depends if you want to deal with all that or simply cut bait. We are all messed up in some ways. Some people are just more messed up than others and pose big risks.
    Last edited by Cardinal; 05-02-2010 at 12:33 AM.

  10. #10
    Juxtapoz
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    I'm with Cardinal on this one. Plus I think it's a bit unfair to just break up with her because of her past. If it's still resonating within the present, then obviously she's having some issues she wants to address, and maybe she thinks turning to you (her boyfriend and possibly a support system as well) might help her resolve these feelings. It's easy to think, oh how can you feel good about someone considerably older than you who *probably* took advantage of you at such a young age? Sounds like a complicated situation that deserves more shed light before making any assumptions.

    Do you love this girl? If you do, you'll find a way to accept this thing about her, communicate, and know her more. Otherwise you can cut your losses now, find some other perfect girl until she shows you something you deem unattractive or "immoral", then find yourself right back in the same place.

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