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Thread: Experiences with partners with a promiscuous past?

  1. #1
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    Experiences with partners with a promiscuous past?

    First off, I've read a lot of posts on the subject and I know most will say to leave the past in the past.

    I've been with my girl for about 6 months and I adore her, but her sexual history bothers me. Early on in the relationship, the subject of threesomes came up and she told me that she had once done it with two guys. The image bothered me a LOT, but I ignored it because I really liked her.

    A few months later, we were drunk and it came out that she had about 35 partners. Again, it bothered me a lot. I'm a good looking guy and, believe me, I've had my fair share of opportunities for sex. But I've always thought of it as something special and I prefer to be in a relationship.

    Anyway I tried not to think about it but the thought would creep up when something like it came up on TV or someone made a comment and I would get sad at these times, wishing I never knew about it. One time, when she noticed how i wasn't in a good mood, we talked about her past and I felt better when she told me only one or two of these were one night stands. She said she was upset that it bothered me but felt like she had nothing to apologize for. In principle I agreed, so I just left it at that.

    Anyway, things are going well between us but every now and then the thought creeps back into my head and I get sad because I never wanted to think of my future spouse as someone who "got around." I don't think it's the actual number that bothers me but certain aspects of it. I know she was in two long term relationships that lasted ten years, so that means more than 30 partners in less than 5 years. I also know that she dumped her last ex of 5 years to be with someone else and that new fling lasted about a month. She met me about a month after that.

    Does anyone else have experience with a girlfriend with a high "body count"? Do they really change or do they get bored with a relationship after a certain time? Do you have any tips to get over it?

  2. #2

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    Can't say I blame you. 35 partners is a lot and I would dump someone over that. Think of it this way, at least one of the following has to apply:


    -She has had many one night stands(aka S-L-U-T)
    -She takes sex lightly
    -She has no self-control
    -She lacks relationship skills


    Whether she admits it or not, she will compare you with the others. It's impossible not to. Whether she's been in 35 relationships or quite a few were one night stands, something isn't right.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    I have a promiscuous past (and I hope a promiscuous future as well) while I haven't dated anyone who had an issue with it I have seen people struggle with the idea before. I think it's really worth while to sit down and think about why it bothers you, don't ignore it (because it seems like you can't) but think about it.

    Where are your feelings coming from? What are you afraid of? Do you think you won't be enough for her? Are you scared you don't measure up with past lovers or experiences? Are you worried that she will leave? Are you worried that having that number of lovers means you aren't as important?

    Try to really get to the bottom of it. Is it something you are personally afraid of? Is it something you feel comes from the culture you live in?

    Anything you come up with is fine. There aren't "right" and "wrong" emotions. When you know why it bothers you, you can start to work on the insecurity that is feeding that fear.

    In the end she is choosing you nothing about her past keeps her from loving you or being loved by you. The issue lies in your own insecurities. But that is good news because you can work on your issues and grow from them.

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    Platinum Member guynextdoor's Avatar
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    Its best to leave the past in the past. I'm sure she isn't proud of her promiscous past. In all honesty I wouldn't bring up the number of people that he/she slept with. Its kind of irrelevent. What matters is who she is today and of course she doesn't have any stds.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I think the number isn't the issue here, although that is pretty high. Five years is 60 months so that means she was with a different guy every other month. That is what is concerning. Does she even know what it is like to be in a loving and respectful relationship?

    I have never had this issue so I can't tell what I did but I can tell you that past actions often predict future events. She has a different view on sex and relationships than you do and that will be your undoing no matter how much you adore her.
    The dumping a long time bf for someone new is concerning as well. I am sorry but you should worry more about if she is really a long term relationship type of person or the kind that stays until something or someone better comes along.

    Lost

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    Bronze Member nicknick's Avatar
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    I had an ex who used to talk about her previous sexual antics constantly! She used to talk about how she'd had sex in cans, cars, trains....like she was proud of it.

    Plus how many men she'd slept with whilst under tha age of consent! Needless to say i dumped her...she was weird.

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    Platinum Member Day_Walker's Avatar
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    I think that you have to look at the situation as objectively as you can and if you cannot handle her past then leave the relationship. It appears that you are not able to handle what she has done in her past.

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    I'd take someone who has had 1000 past partners over someone who has had 2 and has a history of cheating. Promiscuous doesn't always mean unfaithful if that's what you're worried about. I actually see it as a good thing that she broke up with someone to be with someone else. It beats doing it behind their back.

    If it's not this, then you need to figure out what the actual problem is. Is it just the stigma attached to promiscuity or does it somehow make you feel inadequate?

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    My boyfriend has a pretty high number, I think it's somewhere around 25. He also has been in 2 long term relationships that collectively lasted around 10 years. I've never really been bothered by the number though. I figured that this all happened before he met me and there isn't anything he can do to change it.

    I can definitely see how this would be tough to deal with. But like I said earlier, she can't do anything to change her past and it sounds like she makes you happy. Maybe when these thoughts start creeping in, just force yourself to think about the good parts of the relationship and how well things are going now. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but it might be helpful.

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    Originally Posted by dragon lady
    I'd take someone who has had 1000 past partners over someone who has had 2 and has a history of cheating. Promiscuous doesn't always mean unfaithful if that's what you're worried about. I actually see it as a good thing that she broke up with someone to be with someone else. It beats doing it behind their back.

    If it's not this, then you need to figure out what the actual problem is. Is it just the stigma attached to promiscuity or does it somehow make you feel inadequate?
    Being unfaithful is not the only bad thing that can come from it tho. I mean even if she leaves him for someone else after he is attached, it can be just as bad IMO.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd proceed with caution. She seems to be into having short term relationships. So don't get too attached until you are sure she is the right girl for you.

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