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Experiences with partners with a promiscuous past?


maconroad

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First off, I've read a lot of posts on the subject and I know most will say to leave the past in the past.

 

I've been with my girl for about 6 months and I adore her, but her sexual history bothers me. Early on in the relationship, the subject of threesomes came up and she told me that she had once done it with two guys. The image bothered me a LOT, but I ignored it because I really liked her.

 

A few months later, we were drunk and it came out that she had about 35 partners. Again, it bothered me a lot. I'm a good looking guy and, believe me, I've had my fair share of opportunities for sex. But I've always thought of it as something special and I prefer to be in a relationship.

 

Anyway I tried not to think about it but the thought would creep up when something like it came up on TV or someone made a comment and I would get sad at these times, wishing I never knew about it. One time, when she noticed how i wasn't in a good mood, we talked about her past and I felt better when she told me only one or two of these were one night stands. She said she was upset that it bothered me but felt like she had nothing to apologize for. In principle I agreed, so I just left it at that.

 

Anyway, things are going well between us but every now and then the thought creeps back into my head and I get sad because I never wanted to think of my future spouse as someone who "got around." I don't think it's the actual number that bothers me but certain aspects of it. I know she was in two long term relationships that lasted ten years, so that means more than 30 partners in less than 5 years. I also know that she dumped her last ex of 5 years to be with someone else and that new fling lasted about a month. She met me about a month after that.

 

Does anyone else have experience with a girlfriend with a high "body count"? Do they really change or do they get bored with a relationship after a certain time? Do you have any tips to get over it?

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Can't say I blame you. 35 partners is a lot and I would dump someone over that. Think of it this way, at least one of the following has to apply:

 

 

-She has had many one night stands(aka S-L-U-T)

-She takes sex lightly

-She has no self-control

-She lacks relationship skills

 

 

Whether she admits it or not, she will compare you with the others. It's impossible not to. Whether she's been in 35 relationships or quite a few were one night stands, something isn't right.

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I have a promiscuous past (and I hope a promiscuous future as well) while I haven't dated anyone who had an issue with it I have seen people struggle with the idea before. I think it's really worth while to sit down and think about why it bothers you, don't ignore it (because it seems like you can't) but think about it.

 

Where are your feelings coming from? What are you afraid of? Do you think you won't be enough for her? Are you scared you don't measure up with past lovers or experiences? Are you worried that she will leave? Are you worried that having that number of lovers means you aren't as important?

 

Try to really get to the bottom of it. Is it something you are personally afraid of? Is it something you feel comes from the culture you live in?

 

Anything you come up with is fine. There aren't "right" and "wrong" emotions. When you know why it bothers you, you can start to work on the insecurity that is feeding that fear.

 

In the end she is choosing you nothing about her past keeps her from loving you or being loved by you. The issue lies in your own insecurities. But that is good news because you can work on your issues and grow from them.

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I think the number isn't the issue here, although that is pretty high. Five years is 60 months so that means she was with a different guy every other month. That is what is concerning. Does she even know what it is like to be in a loving and respectful relationship?

 

I have never had this issue so I can't tell what I did but I can tell you that past actions often predict future events. She has a different view on sex and relationships than you do and that will be your undoing no matter how much you adore her.

The dumping a long time bf for someone new is concerning as well. I am sorry but you should worry more about if she is really a long term relationship type of person or the kind that stays until something or someone better comes along.

 

Lost

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I had an ex who used to talk about her previous sexual antics constantly! She used to talk about how she'd had sex in cans, cars, trains....like she was proud of it.

 

Plus how many men she'd slept with whilst under tha age of consent! Needless to say i dumped her...she was weird.

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I'd take someone who has had 1000 past partners over someone who has had 2 and has a history of cheating. Promiscuous doesn't always mean unfaithful if that's what you're worried about. I actually see it as a good thing that she broke up with someone to be with someone else. It beats doing it behind their back.

 

If it's not this, then you need to figure out what the actual problem is. Is it just the stigma attached to promiscuity or does it somehow make you feel inadequate?

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My boyfriend has a pretty high number, I think it's somewhere around 25. He also has been in 2 long term relationships that collectively lasted around 10 years. I've never really been bothered by the number though. I figured that this all happened before he met me and there isn't anything he can do to change it.

 

I can definitely see how this would be tough to deal with. But like I said earlier, she can't do anything to change her past and it sounds like she makes you happy. Maybe when these thoughts start creeping in, just force yourself to think about the good parts of the relationship and how well things are going now. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but it might be helpful.

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I'd take someone who has had 1000 past partners over someone who has had 2 and has a history of cheating. Promiscuous doesn't always mean unfaithful if that's what you're worried about. I actually see it as a good thing that she broke up with someone to be with someone else. It beats doing it behind their back.

 

If it's not this, then you need to figure out what the actual problem is. Is it just the stigma attached to promiscuity or does it somehow make you feel inadequate?

 

Being unfaithful is not the only bad thing that can come from it tho. I mean even if she leaves him for someone else after he is attached, it can be just as bad IMO.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd proceed with caution. She seems to be into having short term relationships. So don't get too attached until you are sure she is the right girl for you.

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Being unfaithful is not the only bad thing that can come from it tho. I mean even if she leaves him for someone else after he is attached, it can be just as bad IMO.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd proceed with caution. She seems to be into having short term relationships. So don't get too attached until you are sure she is the right girl for you.

 

Of course it's not. It's just one thing which wasn't mentioned by anyone else and is a common belief. I guess we all just want to know exactly what his problem is so that we can talk him through it.

 

As for it leaving for someone else being just as bad as cheating, I disagree. I'd much rather someone break up with me than see someone else behind my back.

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Of course it's not. It's just one thing which wasn't mentioned by anyone else and is a common belief. I guess we all just want to know exactly what his problem is so that we can talk him through it.

 

As for it leaving for someone else being just as bad as cheating, I disagree. I'd much rather someone break up with me than see someone else behind my back.

 

But would you go in a relationship with someone knowing he usually gets bored soon and want a new one? So he doesn't sleep with someone when he is with you, he does it only one day after he breaks up with you and breaks your heart, he is still leaving you because he found someone better and found her while he was with you, doesn't seem to be much better than cheating IMO.

 

My point is, just the fact that someone doesn't cheat and is honest doesn't mean that she is good enough. I'd rather have a little higher standards.

 

In the case of OP tho, I don't think we have enough info about this girl to decide what type of person she is. That's up to the OP to decide.

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Sounds like a fundamental difference in values. Over the last 6 months it has bothered you and no matter how many times you try to shove it to the back of your mind, it still comes out and bothers you. I am not so sure this is something that you are ever going to be able to fully accept because her views on sex are very different from your views. In other words, chances are if you two break up she might go through another series of month or two month relationships and rack up even more numbers. This is who she is and that's likely not going to change..she is a highly sexual person. That doesn't mean she will cheat on you. Promiscuity and cheating do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. What you need to do is figure out if this difference in sexual values is a deal-breaker for you. However, you need to be brutally honest with yourself because it is not fair to her if this is going to keep gnawing at you...over time if you continue to be with her but continue to be bothered by her past then it will have a very negative effect on your relationship. If you choose to be with her then you have to choose to bury the past once and for all. It is okay if this is a dealbreaker...everyone is entitled to their preferences. You need to weigh the positives and negatives in this relationship and see where the difference in sexual values rank in importance.

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Well just based on her history, there gives reason there to worry about the trust as far as her sticking around.

 

You mentioned she dumped a partner to see someone else, then dumped that guy, and then shortly after (about a month) started with you.

 

Sometimes the way we enter a relationship with someone, especially if it's not all on the up and up (just within our own standards and heart) can mean more than we realize.

 

Maybe you would feel different if there had been a period of time where she was on her own, and not jumping from bed to bed, before becoming involved with you? Or something, some change in her behavior to show she may be on a new course with her life? But it doesn't sound like she has. It sounds a lot like her past is her present and her future, as best as you can tell from her behavior and choices and attitudes.

 

So honestly, I do think you have genuine reason to question and feel sad - because you are possibly cheating yourself out a chance at a longer term one-on-one and feels special relationship if you are hoping this girl will change her colours bc she is with you all of a sudden.

 

If you can truly accept that she may flit off as fast as she came into your life, and this is part of who she is, you might have a better time and feel less sad about it.

 

But I agree with her that she has no apologies to make about it. It's whether you can accept her at face value or not; and whether you can be responsible to yourself to make the correct choice for yourself knowing that, without hoping she will change to suit you and the type of relationship you want with her.

 

gl .

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OR, he's not afraid or insecure about anything. He could feel that sex is a special bond to be shared with people, not something you do with just anyone, while her actions have proved sex is something she will do with almost anyone. Being with someone whose values are directly contradict your own is difficult. Could a civil rights activist and a racist be in a relationship with each other with their values so opposed?

 

OP - I think this will always bother you no matter what because it contradicts your own values.

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OR, he's not afraid or insecure about anything. He could feel that sex is a special bond to be shared with people, not something you do with just anyone, while her actions have proved sex is something she will do with almost anyone. Being with someone whose values are directly contradict your own is difficult. Could a civil rights activist and a racist be in a relationship with each other with their values so opposed?

 

 

Then you agree that it's just mental. That it's just way of thinking against another way of thinking. Which means you can change the way YOU think. If it is a fundamental issue (which to be honest I can't believe, because our society is still so puritanical about sex that it effects us no matter what) then you should leave. If there is no way you can understand why someone would and could seek out sex with people they are not committed and you think badly of people who do and that is just "who you are" then yeah you should leave.

 

However I think that our ideas about sex are mostly programed from and society that is still at it's root sex-negative.

 

All we can ever fix is ourselves. If you want to stay with the woman you love you have to find a way to understand her and love her not just despite what you think of as her faults but all of her, including her past. And the way to do that is to look at why her past is scary for you.

 

This poster is assuming you can't change for the person you love. And I just don't believe that is true. If you change for "good" or "bad" is in the eye the the beholder. Some of us change religions, some of change lifestyle habits some of change the way we think about sex.

 

I believe the reason why we love people is so they can teach us to grow. So they can open our hearts to new ways of thinking so they can bring new ideas into our lives. In the end this is such a small thing. Such a tiny mental adjustment to find a way to be with someone you love. It's disheartening to hear so many people say "don't do it" because of there own ideas around sex.

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But would you go in a relationship with someone knowing he usually gets bored soon and want a new one? So he doesn't sleep with someone when he is with you, he does it only one day after he breaks up with you and breaks your heart, he is still leaving you because he found someone better and found her while he was with you, doesn't seem to be much better than cheating IMO.

 

My point is, just the fact that someone doesn't cheat and is honest doesn't mean that she is good enough. I'd rather have a little higher standards.

 

In the case of OP tho, I don't think we have enough info about this girl to decide what type of person she is. That's up to the OP to decide.

 

If he had done it a few times then of course not. If he had done it once because he was in a dead end relationship and found someone more suitable, sure. As far as I can tell, the OP's girlfriend has only done it once.

 

I agree that not cheating is not is not the only thing that makes a person suitable. Who said anything about that? I just don't think you should automatically write someone off because in the past they slept with a lot of people while they were single (not hurting anyone, IMO). I understand that it is a problem for some people. I'm just trying to figure out why so that the OP can get the appropriate advice.

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I can't pinpoint why it bothers me. It's not that I think I won't measure up or that she will cheat on me because I know she cares very much about me.

 

I was always irked by the argument that "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," because I never needed to do that (although I was often tempted) to know what I wanted!

 

When I first heard about the threesome, it bothered me for about a week. Then we spent several very good months together until I heard about the "body count." Since then, something has triggered the feeling every few weeks. But I thought it would become less and less bothersome with time until I didn't care anymore.

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I can't pinpoint why it bothers me. It's not that I think I won't measure up or that she will cheat on me because I know she cares very much about me.

 

I was always irked by the argument that "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," because I never needed to do that (although I was often tempted) to know what I wanted!

 

 

You might need to take some time to try and pin point it.

 

And has she made the "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," argument? Or are you just assuming. Because people do change. I had sex with the people I wanted to have sex with when I wanted to. I have found that I now want different things. That doesn't mean what I wanted before is invalid. It just means I have changed.

 

If you want to get over this then try to understand why it annoys you. You won't be able to get perspective until you understand what the issue is.

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This is a touchy subject for so many people here. The vibe I get from what you've written makes me feel like you care very much for her, she treats you well and with respect, and aside from what you have learned about her past, have similar morals. Most people aren't so fortunate to find all of those qualities in a so. It also sounds like these feelings pop up infrequently. It sounds like you are capable and willing to look past it, you just need time and reassurance that you KNOW who she is now. That will come. If you couldn't stop thinking about it, I would say there is an issue that you may not be able to overcome.

 

Would you feel better if she were married and divorced 10 times even if it meant she was only with those 10 men. Sex is sex. Someone enjoying themselves without hurting another is nothing to be ashamed of. People always act like it diminishes the connection she has with you. One has absolutely no influence on the other. It also does not make her misguided, immoral, or more likely to cheat. It also says a lot that she doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. She is being open with you because she cares about you. She could lie and "make it easier" on the both of you. But in my opinion that is a bigger violation to your relationship than everyone she slept with while you were not in her life.

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Sure, of course one way of thinking vs. another. I just think it's unfair to suggest that the nature of the OP values is insecurity or fear. It could be seen as completely opposite - that it is in fact brave to 'bet the horse' on one person and trust them with you completely, and shows no fear. Maybe instead it's the promiscuous behavior that results from some fear of intimacy or trust issues - don't get attached, don't get hurt, you know? It is completely conceivable for someone to have a value system that includes thinking about sex as something only appropriate in a monogamous committed relationship without being a fearful insecure person. Wouldn't it be just as valid to consider that she might open her heart to a new way of thinking and change her views on sex? Bring some new ideas into her life? She could make that tiny mental adjustment? You can't take back a promiscuous past, but if your values change, you can certainly say you regret behaving a way in your past that's not consistent with your current values. Maybe meeting the OP is an opportunity for her to learn and grow.

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Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to judge someone on how he or she treats me, not what someone did in his or her past (Within reason; murder, rape, etc.)

 

I think everyone's done things in life that he's not proud of. Are we to be forever beholden to choices we've made (good and bad alike) or rather, just be granted the respect and consideration to know that we're all in one form or another, damaged goods with a past and mistakes?

 

But again, that's me. Your mileage may vary.

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