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Thread: Experiences with partners with a promiscuous past?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maconroad
    I can't pinpoint why it bothers me. It's not that I think I won't measure up or that she will cheat on me because I know she cares very much about me.

    I was always irked by the argument that "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," because I never needed to do that (although I was often tempted) to know what I wanted!
    You might need to take some time to try and pin point it.

    And has she made the "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," argument? Or are you just assuming. Because people do change. I had sex with the people I wanted to have sex with when I wanted to. I have found that I now want different things. That doesn't mean what I wanted before is invalid. It just means I have changed.

    If you want to get over this then try to understand why it annoys you. You won't be able to get perspective until you understand what the issue is.

  2. #22
    Gold Member Kaiser_Soze's Avatar
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    This is a touchy subject for so many people here. The vibe I get from what you've written makes me feel like you care very much for her, she treats you well and with respect, and aside from what you have learned about her past, have similar morals. Most people aren't so fortunate to find all of those qualities in a so. It also sounds like these feelings pop up infrequently. It sounds like you are capable and willing to look past it, you just need time and reassurance that you KNOW who she is now. That will come. If you couldn't stop thinking about it, I would say there is an issue that you may not be able to overcome.

    Would you feel better if she were married and divorced 10 times even if it meant she was only with those 10 men. Sex is sex. Someone enjoying themselves without hurting another is nothing to be ashamed of. People always act like it diminishes the connection she has with you. One has absolutely no influence on the other. It also does not make her misguided, immoral, or more likely to cheat. It also says a lot that she doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. She is being open with you because she cares about you. She could lie and "make it easier" on the both of you. But in my opinion that is a bigger violation to your relationship than everyone she slept with while you were not in her life.

  3. #23

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    Sure, of course one way of thinking vs. another. I just think it's unfair to suggest that the nature of the OP values is insecurity or fear. It could be seen as completely opposite - that it is in fact brave to 'bet the horse' on one person and trust them with you completely, and shows no fear. Maybe instead it's the promiscuous behavior that results from some fear of intimacy or trust issues - don't get attached, don't get hurt, you know? It is completely conceivable for someone to have a value system that includes thinking about sex as something only appropriate in a monogamous committed relationship without being a fearful insecure person. Wouldn't it be just as valid to consider that she might open her heart to a new way of thinking and change her views on sex? Bring some new ideas into her life? She could make that tiny mental adjustment? You can't take back a promiscuous past, but if your values change, you can certainly say you regret behaving a way in your past that's not consistent with your current values. Maybe meeting the OP is an opportunity for her to learn and grow.
    Last edited by pl3asehelp; 05-04-2010 at 06:38 PM.

  4. #24

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    Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to judge someone on how he or she treats me, not what someone did in his or her past (Within reason; murder, rape, etc.)

    I think everyone's done things in life that he's not proud of. Are we to be forever beholden to choices we've made (good and bad alike) or rather, just be granted the respect and consideration to know that we're all in one form or another, damaged goods with a past and mistakes?

    But again, that's me. Your mileage may vary.

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  6. #25

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    Do you love this girl?

  7. #26
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    Sounds like a fundamental difference in values. I am not so sure this is something that you are ever going to be able to fully accept because her views on sex are very different from your views. This is who she is and that's likely not going to change..she is a highly sexual person.
    What you need to do is figure out if this difference in sexual values is a deal-breaker for you.
    ^^ I agree with all of the above. It all comes down to different values and it's clearly bothering you. You have to decide if you can deal with this and accept it, or not.

    Sometimes we are not always compatible, no matter how much we try. This may be one of those cases.

  8. #27
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    update: Next time I'll trust my gut. This girl never changed. Couldn't stop flirting and seeking attention from other men. Told me she loved me while she was talking to her friend about lining the next guy up. If I even expressed concern about this behavior, she said I was "too controlling." Let's see how many of her future boyfriends will put up with her flirting with other guys and her lack of emotional intimacy. For god's sake, after 8 months together, she couldn't even spell my last name right on a note she gave me.

    Sad thing is, she will never admit the role she plays in the failure of her relationships. I hope one day she realizes that she has to change her behavior. Moderator please delete this thread.
    Last edited by maconroad; 11-12-2010 at 03:29 PM.

  9. #28

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    eh... sucks =( well it's good you got out of it in the early (ish) stages. I don't think it's a good idea to go with people that can't control themselves. I don't know, it's just a moral thing really imo.

  10. #29
    Member Ministottie's Avatar
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    My boyfriend has had a rather active past and I will admit that it bothers me too. I have never had sex with someone I am not in a relationship with and so don't really understand the desire to do so, but you just have to look at it as she is with you for a reason. The past is in the past, some people like to experience things before they settle down in a meaningful relationship, and honestly, I'm glad my partner got it out of the way before meeting me, maybe you should think like that too

  11. #30
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    Does anyone else have experience with a girlfriend with a high "body count"? Do they really change or do they get bored with a relationship after a certain time? Do you have any tips to get over it?

    Yes, here. I spent almost 5 years in a high anxiety state. I never knew her body count although I asked her to be honest, snooped (was more than she said...i was crazy on my part)....I noticed later on in this thread that you broke up with her because of her flirting. A woman flirting with men in front or in back of you is bad news. But apparently many many women do it and it is 'harmless'.

    My experience is that when something bothers you to a point you need to confirm your ambivalence with friends, family, and internet boards, and anxiety is part of your daily routine; it spells incompatibility. Something you perceive (consciously or unconsciously) in her current behavior is validating your biggest childhood fear (abandonment, betrayal, being used). Knowing her past just helps you confirm if some unwanted behaviors are still there.

    A promiscuous girlfriend may not cheat. But it is a big gamble as most of the promiscuous women I know have very low self-esteem (even though they may be hot). I once asked (stupid me) my ex, how would you react if some handsome guy started heavily flirting a party. She told me she could not tell me how she would react, since it has not happened lately...I got my answer and triggered even more anxiety because this suggests abandonment is a possibility at any moment.

    In my case it was both our faults. I am kind-off a dependent personality type and she was 100% avoidant. I need a lot of reassurance versus she needs space and routines. We could not re-conciliate our needs; specially me. I accepted we were just too different.

    Have you kept on dating?

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