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Thread: Experiences with partners with a promiscuous past?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by worriedgirl
    Being unfaithful is not the only bad thing that can come from it tho. I mean even if she leaves him for someone else after he is attached, it can be just as bad IMO.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd proceed with caution. She seems to be into having short term relationships. So don't get too attached until you are sure she is the right girl for you.
    Of course it's not. It's just one thing which wasn't mentioned by anyone else and is a common belief. I guess we all just want to know exactly what his problem is so that we can talk him through it.

    As for it leaving for someone else being just as bad as cheating, I disagree. I'd much rather someone break up with me than see someone else behind my back.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by dragon lady
    Of course it's not. It's just one thing which wasn't mentioned by anyone else and is a common belief. I guess we all just want to know exactly what his problem is so that we can talk him through it.

    As for it leaving for someone else being just as bad as cheating, I disagree. I'd much rather someone break up with me than see someone else behind my back.
    But would you go in a relationship with someone knowing he usually gets bored soon and want a new one? So he doesn't sleep with someone when he is with you, he does it only one day after he breaks up with you and breaks your heart, he is still leaving you because he found someone better and found her while he was with you, doesn't seem to be much better than cheating IMO.

    My point is, just the fact that someone doesn't cheat and is honest doesn't mean that she is good enough. I'd rather have a little higher standards.

    In the case of OP tho, I don't think we have enough info about this girl to decide what type of person she is. That's up to the OP to decide.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Sounds like a fundamental difference in values. Over the last 6 months it has bothered you and no matter how many times you try to shove it to the back of your mind, it still comes out and bothers you. I am not so sure this is something that you are ever going to be able to fully accept because her views on sex are very different from your views. In other words, chances are if you two break up she might go through another series of month or two month relationships and rack up even more numbers. This is who she is and that's likely not going to change..she is a highly sexual person. That doesn't mean she will cheat on you. Promiscuity and cheating do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. What you need to do is figure out if this difference in sexual values is a deal-breaker for you. However, you need to be brutally honest with yourself because it is not fair to her if this is going to keep gnawing at you...over time if you continue to be with her but continue to be bothered by her past then it will have a very negative effect on your relationship. If you choose to be with her then you have to choose to bury the past once and for all. It is okay if this is a dealbreaker...everyone is entitled to their preferences. You need to weigh the positives and negatives in this relationship and see where the difference in sexual values rank in importance.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Well just based on her history, there gives reason there to worry about the trust as far as her sticking around.

    You mentioned she dumped a partner to see someone else, then dumped that guy, and then shortly after (about a month) started with you.

    Sometimes the way we enter a relationship with someone, especially if it's not all on the up and up (just within our own standards and heart) can mean more than we realize.

    Maybe you would feel different if there had been a period of time where she was on her own, and not jumping from bed to bed, before becoming involved with you? Or something, some change in her behavior to show she may be on a new course with her life? But it doesn't sound like she has. It sounds a lot like her past is her present and her future, as best as you can tell from her behavior and choices and attitudes.

    So honestly, I do think you have genuine reason to question and feel sad - because you are possibly cheating yourself out a chance at a longer term one-on-one and feels special relationship if you are hoping this girl will change her colours bc she is with you all of a sudden.

    If you can truly accept that she may flit off as fast as she came into your life, and this is part of who she is, you might have a better time and feel less sad about it.

    But I agree with her that she has no apologies to make about it. It's whether you can accept her at face value or not; and whether you can be responsible to yourself to make the correct choice for yourself knowing that, without hoping she will change to suit you and the type of relationship you want with her.

    gl .

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  6. #15

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    OR, he's not afraid or insecure about anything. He could feel that sex is a special bond to be shared with people, not something you do with just anyone, while her actions have proved sex is something she will do with almost anyone. Being with someone whose values are directly contradict your own is difficult. Could a civil rights activist and a racist be in a relationship with each other with their values so opposed?

    OP - I think this will always bother you no matter what because it contradicts your own values.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    OR, he's not afraid or insecure about anything. He could feel that sex is a special bond to be shared with people, not something you do with just anyone, while her actions have proved sex is something she will do with almost anyone. Being with someone whose values are directly contradict your own is difficult. Could a civil rights activist and a racist be in a relationship with each other with their values so opposed?
    Then you agree that it's just mental. That it's just way of thinking against another way of thinking. Which means you can change the way YOU think. If it is a fundamental issue (which to be honest I can't believe, because our society is still so puritanical about sex that it effects us no matter what) then you should leave. If there is no way you can understand why someone would and could seek out sex with people they are not committed and you think badly of people who do and that is just "who you are" then yeah you should leave.

    However I think that our ideas about sex are mostly programed from and society that is still at it's root sex-negative.

    All we can ever fix is ourselves. If you want to stay with the woman you love you have to find a way to understand her and love her not just despite what you think of as her faults but all of her, including her past. And the way to do that is to look at why her past is scary for you.

    This poster is assuming you can't change for the person you love. And I just don't believe that is true. If you change for "good" or "bad" is in the eye the the beholder. Some of us change religions, some of change lifestyle habits some of change the way we think about sex.

    I believe the reason why we love people is so they can teach us to grow. So they can open our hearts to new ways of thinking so they can bring new ideas into our lives. In the end this is such a small thing. Such a tiny mental adjustment to find a way to be with someone you love. It's disheartening to hear so many people say "don't do it" because of there own ideas around sex.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by worriedgirl
    But would you go in a relationship with someone knowing he usually gets bored soon and want a new one? So he doesn't sleep with someone when he is with you, he does it only one day after he breaks up with you and breaks your heart, he is still leaving you because he found someone better and found her while he was with you, doesn't seem to be much better than cheating IMO.

    My point is, just the fact that someone doesn't cheat and is honest doesn't mean that she is good enough. I'd rather have a little higher standards.

    In the case of OP tho, I don't think we have enough info about this girl to decide what type of person she is. That's up to the OP to decide.
    If he had done it a few times then of course not. If he had done it once because he was in a dead end relationship and found someone more suitable, sure. As far as I can tell, the OP's girlfriend has only done it once.

    I agree that not cheating is not is not the only thing that makes a person suitable. Who said anything about that? I just don't think you should automatically write someone off because in the past they slept with a lot of people while they were single (not hurting anyone, IMO). I understand that it is a problem for some people. I'm just trying to figure out why so that the OP can get the appropriate advice.

  9. #18
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    I can't pinpoint why it bothers me. It's not that I think I won't measure up or that she will cheat on me because I know she cares very much about me.

    I was always irked by the argument that "I needed to do it to know that it's not what I wanted," because I never needed to do that (although I was often tempted) to know what I wanted!

    When I first heard about the threesome, it bothered me for about a week. Then we spent several very good months together until I heard about the "body count." Since then, something has triggered the feeling every few weeks. But I thought it would become less and less bothersome with time until I didn't care anymore.

  10. #19
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    Delete delete delete
    Last edited by dragon lady; 04-29-2010 at 09:23 PM.

  11. #20
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    My mistake, I didn't read properly before I wrote that^

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