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Thread: Why so negative all the time? My wife is wearing me down!

  1. #1
    electric7
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    Why so negative all the time? My wife is wearing me down!

    Hi guys, hereís my situation, hopefully some of you will relate to this and could provide me with some words of wisdom or advice to deal with this.

    Iím 28 years old, Iíve been living with my partner for 5 years and we have an 8 month old baby daughter.

    My spouse is just oh so negative all the time. At first, I thought it was hormones due to having given birth and letting the body return to a ďnormalĒ state. I donít think itís the hormones anymore. Then, I thought it was the fact that I had went back to work after my parental leave and that she would be a stay-at-home mom for the next couple of monthts. No, not that either, because itís all about the baby and she truly loves every second she spends with our child, in fact, she doesnít want to go back to work. Then, more recently, I thought it was me, the problem. So I took a step back to objectively analyze the situation, and I came to the conclusion that .. Iím a pretty good guy, a good dad and a good partner. I donít drink, I donít go out very often because I want to spend time with my child AND with my partner once the baby has been put to bed, I have a flexible work schedule so I can accommodate family priorities, I do chores, Iím a positive person around the house because I want to have a positive, pleasant vibe in the home. Anyway, yes, I may biased, maybe Iím not seeing something, but Iím not so sure.

    So, Iím at the point right now where I think that she is just a negative person because thatís her personnality. She never misses a chance to criticize me or anything that is related to me (i.e. a friend), she never admits her own faults and mistakes, she never sincerely apologizes for .. well anything .., she doesnít seem to even realize that sometimes Iím hurt or that she has disrespected me .. Itís almost as if she doesnít care .. She doesnít make any effort whatsoever to change, to rectify a situation, to apologize, etc.

    And the worst part of this .. is that she never talks about it. Sheís always like ďNo, itís fineĒ and ďUh huh, okĒ .. She never wants to tackle a conflict straight up and talk about it, deal with it .. to me, this is not normal. She also doesnít want to seek help .. so forget doctors and psychologists and therapists .. she doesnít need help, she says. Again, this behaviour is not normal. Itís almost as if, she wants to be miserable, she wants to be unhappy, she wants to be a victim of lifeís unfortunate events .. and she wants everyone around to know this. Basically, she doesnít try to change things, make things better, find a way to get rid of this moodiness .. she suffers in silence .. and thatís where she and I are different.

    But the baby is her pride and joy, you could never tell that sheís negative when sheís with the baby, and rightfully so. The baby doesnít deserve to have her parents argue over crap. I also think that my spouse takes me for granted, that I will always be there .. but she treats me like s*** sometimes and doesnít even realize it. And then she starts talking about OUR next child. Well, Iíll have to think about that. I mean, I do want a second child, but she better change or somethingís gotta change.

    Before you say itís probably the baby that has changed the dynamic of our couple, I donít think that this is what caused all of this. Weíve been having these fussy moments before birth and I managed to hang in there by ALWAYS making the first steps, apologizing for everything, taking the blame all the time .. Now, I donít have the energy to do that, so I let it slide, it doesnít affect me.

    Anyone relate to this? Any advice? Is separation an option? I know this would be terrible for our child, especially when she gets older, but I have to think of myself in this .. my spouse is wearing me down and Iím becoming unhappy.

    Thanks for reading through this.

  2. #2
    avman
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    It sounds to me like your first step needs to be some heart to heart discussions with your wife before doing anything else. I don't get the sense that you've really directly addressed the problems in your marriage so I think separating is way too drastic right now.

    You said you've been together 5 years but it sounds like these problems have really started in the past 8 months since your child was born. It could be a hormonal change. It could be post partum depression. It could be a lot of things.

    If your wife won't go to counseling, then I think you should. I believe you should talk this through in detail with a counselor to see if they can help you with your feelings about all this.

  3. #3
    LAYAAN
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    I don't necessarily have an advice, but I just want to tell you that I can understand. My mom is a very negative person. She complains, she compares all the time. I lived with her for 25 years. It drains you emotionally. I know what you are saying. She almost put a fear of failure in my heart. Its hard since you already have a baby with this woman. She needs to be a +ve person at least for the baby.
    Can you identify small incidents from everyday life where she could have been positive and hopeful instead of being -ve and things may have turned around? Sit her down, may be bring home some books on +ve thinking. Also, a lot of -ve thinking comes from people that have lost hope. Let her express herself why she feels a certain way about something. If she doesn't want to go to a therapist, then you need to step up at least for the baby.

  4. #4
    Cognitive_Canine
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    I agree with Avman that I think you haven't really directly addressed the problem with her. Do not let her dismiss you. Even call her out on it by saying "see, you just dismissed my feelings. This is exactly what I'm talking about".

  5. #5
    electric7
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    Well, heart to heart discussions, I've tried in the past, but it turns into a one way conversation where I am the one opening the dialogue, asking questions, expecting constructive criticism .. but instead I get one word replies, some "uh huh's" and she will virtually agree with anything I say just so that we stop the conversation. In a "normal" relationship, yes, this would be the way to go and a 2 way conversation/exchange. I feel as if I'm not in a normal relationship.

    Well, as I said, these fussy moments have occurred before the baby was born. But the difference was that I would do everything in my power to resolve the conflict by making the first steps, apologizing and repenting myself when it wasn't really necessary (looking back), basically taking the load. Now, I'm sick of it and I just don't have the energy to "fight" with her.

    Yes, post partum depression, I seriously think this could be in the mix, but she won't consult, because she is stubborn and she doesn't "want" help. I feel that she secretly knows she could use some professional help, but she won't go just to prove a point that she is miserable and unhappy.

    I am curious .. the women that reply to this post .. do you sincerely apologize when you did something wrong or when you know that you've hurt your man? that's what i'm talking about!
    Last edited by electric7; 04-29-2010 at 11:35 AM.

  6. #6
    avman
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    But have you actually sat down with her and said "Look, our marriage is in serious trouble. I'm unhappy and we aren't resolving any of our issues. We really need to talk about x, y, z. It's so serious I'm considering leaving" Because she needs to hear that you aren't just nagging or complaining. She needs to understand that it's really serious.

  7. #7
    Hermes
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    she never admits her own faults and mistakes, she never sincerely apologizes for .. well anything .., she doesn’t seem to even realize that sometimes I’m hurt or that she has disrespected me .. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care ..
    She also doesn’t want to seek help .. so forget doctors and psychologists and therapists .. she doesn’t need help, she says
    Yes, Electric, she DOES need to see a professional.

    Just a question:

    was she like this when you first met/starting your life together?

    All in all your post about her started warning lights in MY mind.

    You may have to deliver an ultimatum along the lines of: you ARE going to see a professional with me, or else I am afraid our partnership is going nowhere.

    Best of luck
    Hermes

  8. #8
    Mimori

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    I understand that she loves you and your child, but Iím just wondering if it could possibly be postpartum depression-a mood disorder distinguished by negative thinking patters and feelings of hopelessness, sadness, etc, or even simply depression (since you say this is something youíve dealt with even beforehand).

    It isnít your responsibility to put up with everything just because a childís involved. ĖI honestly feel sorry for children whose parents arenít compatible but they stick it through because they had a child (Although they went into it with good intentions perhaps, it causes a more negative environment and poor way to raise a child, a child deserves love and affection, a ďwarmĒ and happy environment to grow up inÖ)

    In all honesty, you need to put your foot down. Youíve put up with this for far too long, and should have brought it up before it got this far along. Itís healthy that you two can realize your faults, but having them continue over and over again without trying to change/correct them is as if you donít respect each others opinions on the matter. Itís not your job to put up with her negative attitude if she refuses to change and seek help in understanding whatís truly bothering her.

    Firstly, because Iím assuming you two DO love each other, you need to discuss with her, even if she doesnít want to listen. Tell her that you canít keep living like this and need to know if sheís going to be willing to help resolve the conflict before your force (left with no choice) but to leave (separation).

    Itís your life. Take charge of it and start being a man, not the doormat.

    Good luck!

    I am curious .. the women that reply to this post .. do you sincerely apologize when you did something wrong or when you know that you've hurt your man? that's what i'm talking about!
    When and If my fiancť and I ever get into any kind of disagreement, or if I act out of my norm and start treating him poorly, I DO sincerely apologize immediately and explain to him what was going through my head and that it wasnít him that set me off, just my own mind playing tricks on me. Iíve worked hard on not ďblowing upĒ on him, because by no means dose he deserve it, but he lets me vent if needed and he tries really hard in understanding and tells me everything is alright. I never intend to treat my partner with any disrespect, I love him too much for that, and Iíd rather to have a mature debate then a yell fest, if you know what I mean. Weíre adults now, and I donít see a point in raising our voices to get a point accross. Itís difficult, but with him, he never gets mad so itís kind of funny that Iím the only one in this relationship with a real temper lolÖ But even if he feels he treated me "wrong" he apologizes right when he realizes it made me upset or anything... I believe we have a healthy realationship because we respect each others feelings, and try VERY hard in keeping each other happy.
    Last edited by Mimori; 04-29-2010 at 12:16 PM.

  9. #9
    jettison

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    Yes, my longest relationship got like this. It wore me down to such a point where I no longer wished to have sex with her even though she was beautiful and I loved her. It's not secret to a lot of people here that I'm a big Osho fan, and he tells us that people are in love with their misery. Misery is constant, it won't ever disappear on you or let you down. 100% reliable.

    As a child, we are trained to understand that if we are miserable we receive lots of attention, and if we are fine then we are ignored. She makes her misery and exhaustion a mode of expression, and that's her way to feed her ego. So, you trying to take that from her will be felt, subconsiouly, as a huge threat, and she's not likely to want to give it up without a fight.

    Look on ENA for awhile, and you will find people in deep misery, some with profound problems, and some with rather simple ones. If you try to offer legitimate solutions to someone with rather simple problems, it's very rare that they will take you up on your advice. It's not so much that they want to solve their problems, or end their misery... they are married to their misery. Mostly, they just want to share with the world how completely miserable they are, get lots of responses, and therefore, attention.

    We all demonstrate this to degrees, but most people are unaware of the dynamic. With your wife, I think a therapy session or two would help. She's not likely to be receptive to your suggestions otherwise, and lashing out at her or threatening to leave her won't make things any better.

  10. #10
    lollylolly99

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    Hi, was your wife like this before the baby?

    It's just that it sounds like classic Post Natal Depression - trying to prove she is supermum whilst feeling dead inside. She wont thank you for suggesting it though, that's the only problem, she will be almost overcompensating fussing over baby etc... Perhaps suggest a talk with health visitor.

    In answer to your question, I am a woman and always apologize as I hate bad atmosphere even if not my fault - I always make first move as my OH is as stubborn as ox and if I didnt, we would get nowhere. You sound really lovely and caring, she is very lucky to have you. Good luck.

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