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Thread: BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

  1. #1
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    BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

    Hi All,

    Ugh. I am absolutely amazed by this situation that I am in right now and I don't know what the solution is.
    My bf and I have been going out for going on two years. We are in our mid-20's, in stable jobs and live together. Everything is generally peachy with the exception of his general ambiguous tone towards marriage (but that was another post that we won't talk about here). A couple weeks ago he emailed me at work saying that his friend, a married girl who has always been and is going through marital issues, has invited him to go to Spain, where she will be traveling for work for two weeks straight and therefore gets to spend the weekend in between abroad. She offered him free lodging (they will be staying in the same hotel room) and free food (she has a per diem for the weekend) and draws up a plan of seeing an ancient ruin nearby. In the email, my bf says that he wants to go and wanted to see if i was ok with it.

    I hate to think of myself as the uptight needy girlfriend but I am in no shape or form ok with this. To give you a little more background, he has been friends with this girl for almost five years, during this time they have been very close (i.e. when she was on the brink of getting a divorce she spent multiple nights a week at his bachelor pad talking and drinking with him). Nothing has ever happened between them. I tell my boyfriend that I am not comfortable with this because they are going to be alone, traveling together in an intimate manner, and are sharing an exotic and romantic experience between them, and I don't feel like it is appropriate for him to do this with another girl, especially considering I have mentioned multiple times to him about planning a trip for the two of us and he has yet to come up with any concrete ideas.

    Of course this turned into a fight that temporarily ended with him deciding not to go. Fast forward a month, he had a bit to drink tonight and came home quite tipsy. Apparently he had been at a mutual friend's place where the female friend was also present. She has once again brought up the idea and said that she doesn't understand why I am so jealous over this arrangement, that if anything is to happen between them, it would have happened a long time ago. My bf told me all these and also told me that he is very interested in this cheap trip for him (free room board and food and ancient sites) and is bothered by my lack of trust. He said that this is telling him that he can't have female friends, which is not my intent at all! I just think this little trip is crossing the line, but somehow when I try to explain this, all he hears is "you can't go because you may end up having sex"....ugh.

    Am I the illogical one here? Maybe i am just more of an clingy person than I think I am...please help!
    Sometimes I feel like giving up when it is this hard to communicate to him about something that seems so simple and logical in my mind yet apparently so illogical and backward to him...
    Last edited by camerainaction; 04-29-2010 at 01:03 AM. Reason: language

  2. #2

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    I don't think many people would be comfortable with their SO doing this - I am surprised he doesn't understand why you aren't.

  3. 04-29-2010, 12:47 AM
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    inappropriate

  4. #3
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    he has lost his mind.

  5. #4
    Bronze Member vaporleak's Avatar
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    You aren't crazy. I would be extremely upset, especially after two years. The fact that he would even ask you seems insensitive. Every relationship is different, so if you were cool with it, that would be one thing, but you are not.

    Also, your statement about him not listening and/or understanding you is pretty powerful. This will make you pull your hair out eventually.

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  7. #5
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    I can see both sides on this issue.

    On the one hand, I completely understand where you are coming from - and I think the fact that he is going on this trip with her when he has been stalling on a trip with you would especially rankle me in your shoes.

    On the other hand, I have a very good male friend, who has a girlfriend who has come to visit me and slept in my room (on my floor), who is coming to be my date for an event at my school and whom I would easily take a week-end trip with - with absolutely NO romantic subtext. However, I have to say that if his girlfriend were ever uncomfortable with the arrangement, well first I know that he would simply tell me he couldn't make it instead of complaining about her to me, but if I were to find out, I would feel absolutely mortified and either tell him to forget about it or to bring his girlfriend along for the trip.

    Overall, I think your position is really understandable, and it seems like the sort of thing he should be willing to give up to make you comfortable, especially since it is not an unreasonable request at all.

  8. #6
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    I think what strikes me as the craziest of all these is that when I asked him how he would feel if I spent a long weekend with my guy friend in Spain, staying with him. He said he would be absolutely ok with it (!) Part of me thinks he's BSing because I've never done such inappropriate things but another part of me thinks of this as a great sign of perhaps the beginning of the end of our relationship. If we are going to have such a HUGE divide between our opinions of what is acceptable in a relationship, then maybe we don't have a future at all.

    The other thing is I am starting to feel alot of animosity towards this girl, who obviously knows my concerns but still eggs him on anyway. There is something almost malicious about this. I have a very good guy friend from college who I visit every once in a while but I have NEVER even suggested staying with him when I visit. It's just inappropriate! Sometimes I think that thought doesn't cross her mind because she is in a somewhat loveless marriage and does not care if her husband took trips with other women ugh life is so messed up sometimes. Makes me wonder if any of this is worth it at all...

  9. #7
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    I would not be OK wirth this. 2 weeks in Spain staying in the same hotel room.....their may be no intention that anything other than friendship will happen but this just creates too much opportunity.

    Stick to your guns. If he decides a free trip to Spain is worth more than his relationship with you then the relationship was never going to work anyway.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    I think it's very inappropriate for him to talk to her about how he wants to come but you are objecting, and for her to be egging him on as you say. I think it is disrespectful towards you for him to be demonizing you like that to his friend.

  11. #9
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    Originally Posted by melrich
    I would not be OK wirth this. 2 weeks in Spain staying in the same hotel room.....their may be no intention that anything other than friendship will happen but this just creates too much opportunity.

    Stick to your guns. If he decides a free trip to Spain is worth more than his relationship with you then the relationship was never going to work anyway.
    Just to clarify, it's actually just from Thursday to Monday since she has to work the next week, but yes, I am not ok with this, and even though he has begrudgingly agreed to drop it I feel like it is always going to be an issue between us and I frankly don't see how it could be solved....esp considering the girl is not going anywhere

  12. #10

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    [QUOTE=camerainaction;4216182]Just to clarify, it's actually just from Thursday to Monday since she has to work the next week, but yes, I am not ok with this, and even though he has begrudgingly agreed to drop it I feel like it is always going to be an issue between us and I frankly don't see how it could be solved....esp considering the girl is not going anywhere that you don't get your way and then dump him. That would not be fair at all.

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