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Thread: BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend

  1. #31

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    I think it is important to remember that the OP's boyfriend has agreed not to go.

    Now, if him even wanting to go is enough to end the relationship that is the OP's choice to make. But it would, IMO, be wrong to tell him she is unhappy with him going, getting him to say he won't go and telling his friend that - and then dumping him because his values are not the same.

    That would not be cool. It just isn't right to complain that someone wants something, get them to give it up and then dump them because they wanted it in the first place. That would jost look like being vindictive.

    If them wanting it is a dealbreaker then the relationship should be ended there and then - not after they have conceded the point.

  2. #32

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    Originally Posted by Miss Firecracker
    If you think of marriage as a prison, then you should never get married. Some people just simply are not meant to be married.
    No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed previously, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

    A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

    That should NOT be what marriage is about.

  3. #33

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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed above, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

    A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

    That should NOT be what marriage is about.
    It also has to take account of human nature and the reasonable comfort level of a partner.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Miss Firecracker's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed above, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

    A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

    That should NOT be what marriage is about.
    That is your opinion. Mine is that my husband should respect our relationship enough that he wouldn't put himself in a position that looks raunchy. And this definitely does. He would never do this out of RESPECT for me and for our kids.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    No no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying by the parameters listed previously, that marriage in THIS context is a prison... And it is.

    A prison of insecurity. Of paranoia. Of strangling the life and love out of someone else because god forbid you might be alone.

    That should NOT be what marriage is about.
    No it should not but I think you're ignoring that most couples together come up with a balance that works for them as far as what is appropriate behavior given the marriage. For myself, we've rarely disagreed on what boundaries are appropriate in inividual situations and I bet that's typical of most couples - so no one feels like she or he is in a prison. And when we have disagreed it's been minor and quickly resolved.
    People do give up certain "freedoms" if you want to label it that way, for the benefits of commitment, marriage, family. But it all depends on whether the person wanted that freedom in the first place or if so, how strongly. Is it really a sacrifice if a person has no interest in having the option to go to Europe with an opposite sex friend and to stay in the same hotel room?

    I agree with DN in theory but in practice I can relate to the gray area - being very hurt that the person would even argue in favor of doing this and not being sure whether the agreement not to go would resolve it or whether the relationship should end based on the original desire to go. I agree that if the person knows for sure that the asking is the dealbreaker, then it's unfair to go through the concession process. but I bet it's often more complicated than that.

  7. #36

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    Originally Posted by Miss Firecracker
    That is your opinion. Mine is that my husband should respect our relationship enough that he wouldn't put himself in a position that looks raunchy. And this definitely does. He would never do this out of RESPECT for me and for our kids.
    And that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But I would never ask my partner to give something up he truly wanted for the sake of keeping up appearances?

    I could give two flying figs what anyone else thought of my marriage or relationship. A happy partner is a good partner.

  8. #37

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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    And that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. But I would never ask my partner to give something up he truly wanted for the sake of keeping up appearances?

    I could give two flying figs what anyone else thought of my marriage or relationship. A happy partner is a good partner.
    Would that include having sex with someone else if that made your partner happy?

  9. #38

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    I just find it so astounding (literally) that people think it's not only okay, but perfectly reasonable to treat a partner, a supposed equal, like some songbird in a cage. Are we really that afraid of being alone? Are we really so insecure that we have to throw our partners in a safe and never let them see the light of day?

    Human beings are not possessions, nor are they baubles. They're not accessories you put on your arm for appearance's sake. I want my partner to have all the friends he can, gay men included. I want him to have amazing experiences with and without me. I want him to learn and grow and never feel like he's chained to me like some sort of slave. To me, to treat an equal otherwise, is truly one of the greatest disrespects I can fathom, honestly.

    If this is a question of comfort, maybe we should challenge ourselves more. There is such a thing of asking too high a price for comfort.

  10. #39

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    Originally Posted by DN
    Would that include having sex with someone else if that made your partner happy?
    Sure. Why not? If he's safe and sane about it, why would I care? I want him to be happy. If he wants to be with me, then he'll be with me. If not, he'll go be with someone else.

    I'd much rather lift him up and let him know I want him to experience everything life has to offer, than to smile at him and promise him a prison.

  11. #40

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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    Sure. Why not? If he's safe and sane about it, why would I care? I want him to be happy. If he wants to be with me, then he'll be with me. If not, he'll go be with someone else.

    I'd much rather lift him up and let him know I want him to experience everything life has to offer, than to smile at him and promise him a prison.
    Then you are out of the mainstream here with people who believe in monogamous relationships. That's fine if that is your belief but there are few people who will agree that a committed relationship is a prison.

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