Jump to content

BF Wants to Take Long Weekend Trip with Female Friend


camerainaction

Recommended Posts

Hi All,

 

Ugh. I am absolutely amazed by this situation that I am in right now and I don't know what the solution is.

My bf and I have been going out for going on two years. We are in our mid-20's, in stable jobs and live together. Everything is generally peachy with the exception of his general ambiguous tone towards marriage (but that was another post that we won't talk about here). A couple weeks ago he emailed me at work saying that his friend, a married girl who has always been and is going through marital issues, has invited him to go to Spain, where she will be traveling for work for two weeks straight and therefore gets to spend the weekend in between abroad. She offered him free lodging (they will be staying in the same hotel room) and free food (she has a per diem for the weekend) and draws up a plan of seeing an ancient ruin nearby. In the email, my bf says that he wants to go and wanted to see if i was ok with it.

 

I hate to think of myself as the uptight needy girlfriend but I am in no shape or form ok with this. To give you a little more background, he has been friends with this girl for almost five years, during this time they have been very close (i.e. when she was on the brink of getting a divorce she spent multiple nights a week at his bachelor pad talking and drinking with him). Nothing has ever happened between them. I tell my boyfriend that I am not comfortable with this because they are going to be alone, traveling together in an intimate manner, and are sharing an exotic and romantic experience between them, and I don't feel like it is appropriate for him to do this with another girl, especially considering I have mentioned multiple times to him about planning a trip for the two of us and he has yet to come up with any concrete ideas.

 

Of course this turned into a fight that temporarily ended with him deciding not to go. Fast forward a month, he had a bit to drink tonight and came home quite tipsy. Apparently he had been at a mutual friend's place where the female friend was also present. She has once again brought up the idea and said that she doesn't understand why I am so jealous over this arrangement, that if anything is to happen between them, it would have happened a long time ago. My bf told me all these and also told me that he is very interested in this cheap trip for him (free room board and food and ancient sites) and is bothered by my lack of trust. He said that this is telling him that he can't have female friends, which is not my intent at all! I just think this little trip is crossing the line, but somehow when I try to explain this, all he hears is "you can't go because you may end up having sex"....ugh.

 

Am I the illogical one here? Maybe i am just more of an clingy person than I think I am...please help!

Sometimes I feel like giving up when it is this hard to communicate to him about something that seems so simple and logical in my mind yet apparently so illogical and backward to him...

Link to comment
  • Replies 220
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You aren't crazy. I would be extremely upset, especially after two years. The fact that he would even ask you seems insensitive. Every relationship is different, so if you were cool with it, that would be one thing, but you are not.

 

Also, your statement about him not listening and/or understanding you is pretty powerful. This will make you pull your hair out eventually.

Link to comment

I can see both sides on this issue.

 

On the one hand, I completely understand where you are coming from - and I think the fact that he is going on this trip with her when he has been stalling on a trip with you would especially rankle me in your shoes.

 

On the other hand, I have a very good male friend, who has a girlfriend who has come to visit me and slept in my room (on my floor), who is coming to be my date for an event at my school and whom I would easily take a week-end trip with - with absolutely NO romantic subtext. However, I have to say that if his girlfriend were ever uncomfortable with the arrangement, well first I know that he would simply tell me he couldn't make it instead of complaining about her to me, but if I were to find out, I would feel absolutely mortified and either tell him to forget about it or to bring his girlfriend along for the trip.

 

Overall, I think your position is really understandable, and it seems like the sort of thing he should be willing to give up to make you comfortable, especially since it is not an unreasonable request at all.

Link to comment

I think what strikes me as the craziest of all these is that when I asked him how he would feel if I spent a long weekend with my guy friend in Spain, staying with him. He said he would be absolutely ok with it (!) Part of me thinks he's BSing because I've never done such inappropriate things but another part of me thinks of this as a great sign of perhaps the beginning of the end of our relationship. If we are going to have such a HUGE divide between our opinions of what is acceptable in a relationship, then maybe we don't have a future at all.

 

The other thing is I am starting to feel alot of animosity towards this girl, who obviously knows my concerns but still eggs him on anyway. There is something almost malicious about this. I have a very good guy friend from college who I visit every once in a while but I have NEVER even suggested staying with him when I visit. It's just inappropriate! Sometimes I think that thought doesn't cross her mind because she is in a somewhat loveless marriage and does not care if her husband took trips with other women ugh life is so messed up sometimes. Makes me wonder if any of this is worth it at all...

Link to comment

I would not be OK wirth this. 2 weeks in Spain staying in the same hotel room.....their may be no intention that anything other than friendship will happen but this just creates too much opportunity.

 

Stick to your guns. If he decides a free trip to Spain is worth more than his relationship with you then the relationship was never going to work anyway.

Link to comment
I would not be OK wirth this. 2 weeks in Spain staying in the same hotel room.....their may be no intention that anything other than friendship will happen but this just creates too much opportunity.

 

Stick to your guns. If he decides a free trip to Spain is worth more than his relationship with you then the relationship was never going to work anyway.

 

Just to clarify, it's actually just from Thursday to Monday since she has to work the next week, but yes, I am not ok with this, and even though he has begrudgingly agreed to drop it I feel like it is always going to be an issue between us and I frankly don't see how it could be solved....esp considering the girl is not going anywhere

Link to comment
Just to clarify, it's actually just from Thursday to Monday since she has to work the next week, but yes, I am not ok with this, and even though he has begrudgingly agreed to drop it I feel like it is always going to be an issue between us and I frankly don't see how it could be solved....esp considering the girl is not going anywhere that you don't get your way and then dump him. That would not be fair at all.
Link to comment

Your reaction is completely normal! I would hate to hear my bf even ask me about this sort of trip.

 

I see two things wrong about this situation. One is that your bf should really be thinking about doing this sort of trip with you, not his friend who is a girl, and lack of funds shouldn't be an excuse. Second, his friend's reaction about how you are insecure or jealous is absurd. If she is a mature and respectful friend, she would have definitely not have insulted your relationship with your bf - it's none of her business butting into it like this.

 

If I were you, I'd definitely consider why you are in a relationship with him, since he clearly doesn't respect your values or your special relationship with him.

Link to comment
I think it's very inappropriate for him to talk to her about how he wants to come but you are objecting, and for her to be egging him on as you say. I think it is disrespectful towards you for him to be demonizing you like that to his friend.

 

I have brought this up to him too. I said it really bothers me that you are telling her that I am the one objecting to the trip and he seemed confused why he shouldn't "well, you are the reason why I can't go. I already told her I was happy going". Ugh....I hate feeling like he can tell her anything about me and somehow she became the "victim" in this situation because I gypped her out of a trip companion. I think throughout this whole situation, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviors. In fact he is harboring resentment towards me for questioning his faithfulness.

Link to comment

Hell no. Even if he is not cheating and doesn't intend to cheat - it is not appropriate for two involved people to spend a weekend together in the same room. The fact that he is defending her over you is a BIG RED FLAG. My ex would do similar things (no weekend long trips, but a LOT of "defending" other girls who he says doesn't mean much to him) and although it was not cheating, it was definitely not an act of being faithful. He is not single and neither is his friend. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Link to comment
Careful that you don't get your way and then dump him. That would not be fair at all.

 

What do you mean?

 

Nevermind, I got it.

Well I think nothing is going to happen right away but however we resolve it, I know there is always going to be a wedge between us because of this so called trust issue that he thinks I have and this "inappropriateness" issue that I think he has. I don't think we are ever gonna get over the hurdle which makes me feel like there is no future....but no, I don't think I can decide to just leave like this. After all, I so fervently believed that he is the one for me. Of course only time can prove that statement right or wrong.

Link to comment

This whole situation is 100% inappropriate in every way, and your bf is 100% in the wrong here for even entertaining the idea of going on this vacation. You should make it real simple for him and tell him that its up to him if he wants to go on the trip with her, but if he does go not to expect you to be there when he gets back.

Link to comment

Have any male friends that will lavish you with a fancy trip? Seems to me that things would be particularly different had the shoe been on the other foot. Ask him how he would feel had YOU be going on a trip with a male friend, without him. I wouldn't expect him to be okay with it, but since he gets the goodies you should be okay with it. This is a huge no, no, and if you don't agree with it (like a normal person) then do not stand for it.

I don't always react with the "best" come backs so I'm not hinting what you should do, but let me tell you something ... had I been you, and his friend asked what my deal was, and why I was acting jealous, I would be giving that woman a call or a person to person visit. She must be as blind as he is about the whole thing.

I can understand them two being friends, it's fine for guys to have girls as friends and vice versa. However, going on a trip with one especially cross country is not so great. It's for her work, maybe if he had the same job, or was on the same mission I would say it would possibly be okay. But he is going for leisure and leisure only, no business. This would be perfectly fine had he been single, but he is in a committed relationship with you making this unacceptable.

 

If my boyfriend ever decided to pull this stunt, I would tell him exactly how I felt. I would tell him hell no I do NOT agree, and if he plans on staying with me he should probably consider declining her over friendly invitation. Besides your feelings should come first most of all. If this is something that's going to hurt you, and bother you, he should take that into consideration. What really gets me is the girls response when she says "if something were to happen, it would have happened already." Hmm ... I wonder what she thinks after their dining alone, and spending a few days by themselves with just the two of them, and going to bed in the same room. Sounds like she is looking for a rebound to help get over her own marital issues. I wouldn't trust her, but that's just me.

 

Last but not least what is an email? Could he not ask you in person, or bring it up in person first? Why start with an email, why not go to your face and tell you first. That really boggles my mind.

Link to comment
I'm worried that since your bf doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong at all that he will resent you for not letting him go on this trip, which could be an issue in the future of your relationship with him.

 

He definitely has already. He may not tell me when he is completely sober but after a few drinks tonight he brought it up.

I think this is going to be an issue, even though like DN said, after all he did consider my feelings and decides not to go, but there is always going to be a problem in the future, whenever this kind of...opportunities....arise again for his consideration.

Link to comment

Sounds more like he's interested in a relationship with her rather than you...

I agree that you should let him do as he pleases, tell him it's up to him but to leave him either which way because in all honesty, whether he goes or not - his actions leading up to this point are ridiculous! He's defending this chick, diminishing your feelings, disrespecting you (which is incredibly intolerable in my relationship), and is more adamant about his relationship with her than he is about his relationship with you.

 

There is no respect for boundaries on his part here; I'm sorry but that's not a compatible trait.

Plus, you have been wanting to go on a trip with him for awhile now and he chooses some girl over you? That's how I look at it. It's not like they're hanging out with some friends, it's not like they eat their lunch in the lounge at work together or anything it's spending some serious, quality time together in the same room, accross the world and there's supposed to be no romantic undertones? Yeah right.

 

Even so, what he's doing is non-negoitiable in my book. He's disregarding YOU, disrespecting YOU and ridiculing YOU to this other chick. You need to stand up for yourself and not put up with that. Whether he goes or not, once again - his attitude is in the wrong place. His initial willingness IMO is already a huge red flag.

 

If you take anything from what I've said I hope it's that you respect yourself.

Link to comment

I think he used an email because in his mind it's no big deal and apparently she talks to him at work via Google Chat (My company blocks google chat so no dice for me...)

 

What really bothers me is that I asked him how he would feel if I went out of the country with a male friend, and he said he would be perfectly fine with it. Whatever makes me happy. But a part of me feels that he only says this because I have never done such a thing...because it is INAPPROPRIATE in my mind to even suggest/plan such a thing. But it boggles my mind that he so readily says he is ok with these. He even said that he does not have a single jealousy streak as long as it's with a friend and not just some random guy.

Link to comment

Wait a minute...

 

Let me make sure I've got this. A married friend who happens to be a girl asked her friend she's known ostensibly forever to join her for a few days in Spain.

 

...So what?

 

Darlin, he could cheat on you in your house, in your bed. He doesn't have to go anywhere to break your trust. I know a lot of uh, PEOPLE, here are telling you that it's okay to feel how you feel, that it's "normal" and "understandable"

 

Well, I'm not. How you're feeling is not right. Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's right, IF you truly trust your boyfriend. If you believe in your heart that he's a person who will uphold the trust you've placed (And, I certainly hope you have put trust in him after so long together) in him, then he could go to the corner market or Spain or the Klingon homeworld with this girl or ANYONE, and you'd be fine.

 

All you're doing is putting a choke collar on your boyfriend for no legitimate reason and guaranteeing that he'll internalize the fact that he can't be honest with you, can't share things with you because you'll turn into Girlfriend-zilla. Then he'll grow to resent you because he can't be honest with you, and then he really will cheat, or just bounce and leave you wondering what happened when you're posting in the Healing after Break Up forum.

 

So, to review, OP, if you trust him, then shut up and TRUST him. Let him KNOW you trust him. If you don't, then this trip and this girl aren't the problems in your relationship and you'll need to look a hell of a lot deeper to find out what they are and if they can be solved.

 

Hope this helps.

Link to comment
This man knows right from wrong, and he is choosing to hurt you. She is in his heart. Please don't stand in the way. Let him go. You can surely do better.

 

I agree. This woman's marriage is on the rocks and she is putting the moves on your boyfriend. Doesn't she have any female friends she can invite on this free trip...why choose him thus leaving you out in the cold. This woman is out to destroy your relationship and your bf seems to be more interested in her feelings than yours. While he may be thinking "oh goody, I get a free trip" the stage is being set for the possibility of cheating. Sure they can cheat anywhere...but a weekend getaway really does set the mood. He can't go away with you but he is happy enough to go away with her. I suspect if he had to pay his own way he might not be as eager to go...and that still says a lot about him...that he will choose a free vacation with someone who clearly doesn't care that he has a girlfriend, over his girlfriend's comfort level.

Link to comment

Honey I think your relationship is done. He's acting like a child about the whole thing, like you're his mommy who won't let him have a playdate. He should have put a stop to this whole thing right from the start.

 

I would like to address an above comment: of course, he could cheat on her at home, in normal surroundings. The point is that it would be much harder for him to do that than when he's sharing a room(!!) with someone in a foreign country. Trust isn't the issue here. It's simply a matter of respect.

 

That kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...