WomanWriter Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I just need someone to talk to. I feel very crappy and alone and I know it's partly my fault for staying with this guy, but last night I spent the night over my boyfriend's (of 4 months) house. We met at church and he told me that he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, which I agree with. We both have sexual pasts but we wanted to it right this time. Anyway, he had groped me and masturbated me before (last month) while I was sleeping. He didn't know I was actually awake. I told him I was angry at him and he better never do that again. He admitted it was wrong but did not apologize. Last night he was being really frisky when we were hanging out (which is weird because he just told me last week that he wants to be even more strict about doing anyhting sexual). I reminded him that he wants to wait and asked if he's changed his mind. He said that no, he did not change his mind. I told him that I do not want to do anthing sexual either and I just want to sleep next to him if he can handle that. He agreed. Well, this morning, I felt him touching my breasts, vagina, butt, feet, etc. AFTER I TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT NOT TO DO THAT! I am so angry that he betrayed me! I had a doctor's appointment near my house which he walked me to. I told him I was very angry at him and he admitted he messed up and asked me to pray for him. But I am still pissed because he did not say he was sorry and he LIED! I think of it as rape because I specifically said NO and he did it again. I have to face him tonight because we are taking our youth group out to dinner with our church. I feel like calling in sick because I am so sick of him. He was trying to be all nice to make up for it but I'm pretty sure I am done with him. In any case, I am taking space away from him until and unless he gets some help. I can't believe someone did that to me! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I think you guys should stop sharing beds and showers if you want nothing sexual to happen. I am sorry I think he is a normal guy with normal sexuality. If you both want to wait for sex, stop providing opportunities for sex to happen. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Agree w/ Victoria. I know your intentions are good, but it's very naive to expect a normal, healthy, frisky young man NOT to be sexual when he's sleeping in bed with the girl he loves. Of course something is going to happen. He may not mean to, but it's going to happen. This is why people who typically don't have sex before marriage usually don't sleep together before marriage. There is a reason for this. You guys may be able to sleep in the same room but I would suggest separate sleeping areas. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Why didn't you say something or stop him once he had his hands on your boobs? Why did you let him go as far as touching your butt and vagina afterwards? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 You have had endless problems with this guy..his lying, cover ups, disrespect. He doesn't have a phone and a computer so you can only get in touch with him at Church. Just because someone professess to be religious doesn't mean they are fine upstanding individuals. There are many snakes who hide behind religion. This guy groping you while you are sleeping is revolting. He made the rules of no sex so that he could portray himself as a good Christian...but good Christians do not grope people while they are sleeping. I think with all the issues he has this should be the last straw for you. He is downright creepy. Link to comment
urrie Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 You just laid there awake and let him do all this to you? Why not open your eyes jump up and scream at him to get his hands off you? Unless you really wanted him to do that. He knew you weren't asleep, you can't fake that. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I think you guys should stop sharing beds and showers if you want nothing sexual to happen. I am sorry I think he is a normal guy with normal sexuality. If you both want to wait for sex, stop providing opportunities for sex to happen. uh, yeah. I agree with Victoria. I can't imagine why you would share a bed with him after the last time, AND knowing he'd been frisky that day... Are you sure you're not TRYING To create drama to justify ending this relationship? I have to say, from the small amount I've read, it seems like you're fighting awfully hard for something that, most of the time, just pi$$e$ you off. And I don't understand why.....It almost feels like you LIKE to be angry, and being with him gives you the opportunity to lash out at someone..I hope that's not the case. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, and he deserves to feel like an a$$, but you are really blurring the lines when you invite your frisky boyfriend to sleep next to you, regardless of the words you speak. Link to comment
teabee Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 It could have been prevented (ie not sharing a bed and allowing the opportunity to even arise) but it's still not your fault. That's really awful and I would feel horribly violated. I would not trust that man after the first time, never mind the second time. That's sexual assault. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 This seems like a recipe for disaster... since there is a hugely religious component, can he seek counsel from a person at church about this? I agree though, sleeping in bed together makes it way too easy to do what natural sex-drives want to do. I'd like to add, given Taikero's point, that it seems like this is hugely shame based and not a real decision on his part. That is never going to work. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 It almost feels like you LIKE to be angry, and being with him gives you the opportunity to lash out at someone..I hope that's not the case. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, and he deserves to feel like an a$$, but you are really blurring the lines when you invite your frisky boyfriend to sleep next to you, regardless of the words you speak. This is what a lot of people have been telling you countless times and it is so very true, please consider it. You deserve to be happy like anyone else! Link to comment
Taikero Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 As a rather horny guy myself, I can say that I don't fondle women in their sleep, even given the opportunity, barring prior permission. WW, you said before he treats you like a sexual object at times. It doesn't sound like he respects the boundaries you two have set. On top of all the other reasons you've listed in the past about why you dislike this guy, you have a solid reason to leave him now. If you do stay with him, I would just have sex, because he'll just do this again given his personality and it would be better not to have boundaries in place that will only be broken and leave you violated again. Of course then he'll probably find another way to disrespect you, but that's beside the point. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 With adulthood comes the notion of personal responsibility. You are each at fault. He broke his promise not to touch you and you placed yourself in a compromising position. What you can take away from that is he at best does not have control of himself and you at best are naive. Both conclusions are important, and since you are the one with the problem here it's up to you to take the appropriate actions. What actions those are is up to you. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I find it a compliment when my man is groping me, even when he's sleeping! IMO, unless you happen to be sharing a bed with a friend and sleeping on opposite sides, touching each other is really quite normal. I mean you don't have to have sex or act sexual when you're showering or sleeping in the same bed with someone, but if you two are together, it's almost expected... isn't it? That's just my opinion and I agree with FarthestEdge. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Honestly, Womanwriter, I don't like this guy and I think you should have dumped him months back. But, I don't understand this issue. If you don't want to be sexual, don't sleep in the same bed with him. It'd be difficult for a sexually driven human being to lay next to an attractive silhouette of the person they love and not get turned on. I also think you are completely overreacting to him touching you in your sleep. Why does this bother you so much? I love to awake to him have consciously pawing at me. Now, if he was sticking things places while I was alseep, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable with that. If he wants to do stuff, he should wake me and give me a chance to comply/get turned on. But, as for him being handsy, I like him that way. Link to comment
fLuiD Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Im just confused as to why you let it happen the 1st time. You pretended you were still asleep and continued to let him do it. You should have immediately said something. I understand that you eventually did, but I'm not quite sure why you let it continue. It should not have happened a 2nd time though, and he was wrong in doing it ONLY because you asked him not to. If there was no agreed upon condition of No Sex, then the groping in bed wouldn't seem wrong, at least not to me. Waiting until the next day to discuss it doesn't help much either. If you are uncomfortable with it while it is happening, then stop it immediately. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I TOTALLY agree with the other posters. This whole situation sounds like a recipe for drama. And you calling this "rape" only further proves that point. What do you really want here? What are you trying to achieve with this guy? To me, it feels like control and retribution. Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 As a guy, if I was sharing a bed with my girlfriend, I would have no control over my sex drive. This is why I think abstaining until marriage doesn't work. I'm a virgin, and I had a situation with a female friend before where I would get horny when we were studying together - and I would have to hide it. Which was extremely uncomfortable. Us guys are hard wired that, when we get erections, it's sometimes out of our hands. I'm not excusing what this guy did, but you're sleeping in the same bed and you're not sleeping together? Of course he's going to get horny, and when there's no 'outlet' for that horniness, he has to get rid of that erection somehow. In my case, I would go into the bathroom to masturbate. In his case, he probably should have done the same. It doesn't reflect good on him, but it doesn't reflect good on you, either OP. If you want this to stop happening, I'd suggest NOT sleeping in the same bed together. Even Christian men get horny. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Im just confused as to why you let it happen the 1st time. You pretended you were still asleep and continued to let him do it. You should have immediately said something. I understand that you eventually did, but I'm not quite sure why you let it continue. It should not have happened a 2nd time though, and he was wrong in doing it ONLY because you asked him not to. If there was no agreed upon condition of No Sex, then the groping in bed wouldn't seem wrong, at least not to me. Waiting until the next day to discuss it doesn't help much either. If you are uncomfortable with it while it is happening, then stop it immediately. Yes, have to agree with that. If you do not like it tell the person to stop immediately. I am not blaming you as I have been raped before by more than one person and many many times. I understand believe me. You have to have responsibility here too though. If you want nothing sexual to happen you do not provide the opportunity. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I find it a compliment when my man is groping me, even when he's sleeping! IMO, unless you happen to be sharing a bed with a friend and sleeping on opposite sides, touching each other is really quite normal. I mean you don't have to have sex or act sexual when you're showering or sleeping in the same bed with someone, but if you two are together, it's almost expected... isn't it? That's just my opinion and I agree with FarthestEdge. No, it is not expected that someone has permission to grope their partner while the partner is sleeping. It is not a given that during a period of unconsciousness someone else, even a partner, can violate a person's body like that. Sharing a bed DOES NOT mean there is agreement to be groped while unconscious anymore than a woman wearing a short skirt is inviting a man on the street to grope her. If they are partners and have agreed to no sex before marriage then that is the agreement between them...she should be able to trust her partner not to grope her without her permission even if they are sharing the same bed. If he can't control his sex drive then they can discuss changing the terms of their agreement...namely groping while both awake is allowed. He is being a hypocrite by claiming to not want sex because of his religion, while trying to have touchy feely sessions with her on the sly. If he is doing that I have to wonder if he is having sex elsewhere on the sly...he is clearly deep down not committed to the teachings of the religion he professes to want to follow. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Ok though MOST partners do some groping of their loved one while sleeping. I do not think a bf or husband should say.....oh pardon me honey I am sorry to wake you but can I have permission to grope? Uhhhhhhhhhh Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I don't think he's being a hypocrite here. Wanting to wait until marriage does not mean no sexual contact at all. Also, I think there is a big difference between being touched sexually by the man you are in a relationship with versus by a stranger. Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Ok though MOST partners do some groping of their loved one while sleeping. I do not think a bf or husband should say.....oh pardon me honey I am sorry to wake you but can I have permission to grope? Uhhhhhhhhhh Yeah, I agree, unless there's some sort of agreement that he can do it while she's asleep. Going against her wishes and doing it anyway...I'm sorry, but that's a little messed up. Like I said, I'm not excusing this guy's actions, because I would never take advantage of someone while they were sleeping. Or drunk. However, the OP is 'teasing her boyfriend' by sleeping with him, but not sleeping with him (if you know what I mean.) Link to comment
urrie Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Ok though MOST partners do some groping of their loved one while sleeping. I do not think a bf or husband should say.....oh pardon me honey I am sorry to wake you but can I have permission to grope? Uhhhhhhhhhh Its still YOUR body, no matter what the relationship is all about, unless you've talked about it beforehand and given each other the ok. Link to comment
Taikero Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Ok though MOST partners do some groping of their loved one while sleeping. I do not think a bf or husband should say.....oh pardon me honey I am sorry to wake you but can I have permission to grope? Uhhhhhhhhhh There should have been a discussion at some point where you both agreed you don't mind being woken up to the other person fondling you. You don't have to ask permission every time in this case but you still gained the permission to do this at some point. It's not some unspoken thing that's just okay after a certain point in a relationship. Some people are REALLY not okay with being fondled in their sleep, SO or not. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I think it depends on the couple, honestly. some may be okay with fondling/groping in sleep, others may not and wish for permission to be asked. I don't think there is any "right" way for it to be done. For example, I don't mind being touched in my sleep, but my boyfriend doesn't like being touched when he's sleeping. It's hard for him to sleep and it wakes him up and makes him cranky. We all have different comfort levels. Link to comment
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