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50 year old suddenly acting like a teenager... wth?


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My man's parents are multi-millionaires with millions just sitting around making more millions, literally. They've been together and married since they were 18 and they're now in their mid-50s. The dad has always been very fun-loving, supportive and smart, especially with business (obviously). The mom is very sweet, down-to-earth and wise.

They had a harder youth going from not-much to where they are now, and have owned a few gas stations along the way. They retired and are now enjoying their lavish lives.

 

Well last year, the dad decided to buy a big house in Lake Tahoe. We all lived together in the beautiful house (more like a mansion) in beautiful Southern CA close to Malibu, but we all moved to Tahoe. A few months after, my man and I got our own apartment because the dad wouldn't allow my daughter to live with there (she had been previously living half-time with my father and I'd have her during the week as well) so my man basically said "Fine."

The mom and I are incredibly close and she confided in me about how terrible he dad has been treating her. He refuses to spend any time with her, has female friends he's more excited to be around, and doesn't like to hear anybody but himself speak.

What's weird is he wasn't always like this. Even my man has been confused by his father's sudden change in personality... it doesn't bother him that much, but we're baffled how he could go from who he was, to this selfish adolescent-behaving a**hole.

 

Well the mom moved back down to the Southern CA mansion and we're moving back there with her in a couple weeks. We're excited, especially since his mom loves my daughter and it literally takes some effort to run into each other much in that place. Plus, we're used to it - it really is home to us.

 

That means the dad will be up in Tahoe all by himself, with his 7 cars - splurging tens of thousands into each.

 

A few questions I have going on here: How in the h*ll could the dad change on everyone like that and be such a d*ck? He's so unpleasant, the only time he smiles now is when he's talking about his cars and whatever new thing he bought for them.

That, and ever since this change, his dad won't help anybody else with anything although he can wipe his a** with his money. For instance, my man asked his dad about helping with our project car (his dad owned an auto shop and is extremely knowledgeable) but he suddenly has no time, not an extra cent and has to go run to PORSCHE to pick up his newly built motor with his ARP head-studs (which are very, very expensive).

 

What happened? Do full-grown people just suddenly want to act like a teenager? How could he have just walked out on his wife like that?

I talk to his mom a lot and we're really good friends... how do I approach this subject without being disrespectful (even though she doesn't like him)?

Am I the only one who comes from a culture where parents are almost expected to always be there for their children, emotionally as well as financially?

So confusing, not that I'm freaking out or anything - I'm just wondering what's going on, looking for some clarity because it is an uneasy thought - that people can change in that way...

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... how do I approach this subject without being disrespectful (even though she doesn't like him)? ...

I don't think you should say anything at all. It's not your business to get involved (imo). It's their own private business and for them to sort out between themselves.

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sounds like he is having a mid-life crisis. i feel bad for his wife. the good news is that you get along with her and she loves your daughter, so it sounds like it will be a nice supportive environment for everyone in the house in socal. good luck. is your bf doing ok?

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i agree that it is their private business and you probably shouldn't talk to her about it. unless she wants to bring it up to vent and then just try to listen to her. i think having a house full of nice, supportive people will be the best thing for her.

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I never bring it up, but she asks me what I think often and I was just wondering what do I say? I don't feel like it's my business much but I do want to be able to maturely answer her.

 

As for my bf, it infuriates him how much his dad makes his mom cry nowadays... that and how rude he is, and it's not like we can avoid him because he visits often - almost just to brag about what he's spent his money on next and talk about himself.

 

What is proper behavior when he comes around? I don't exactly enjoy watching my man's mother cry, my man doesn't either and ignoring him seems rude on my part too. I am very open to suggestions Thank you

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money isn't happiness...

i don't know why you keep bringing up all the things related to money, but it seems your mans dad has found a new interest...

we are always striving to search for happiness and with time our happiness changes,

as we reach our goals and have met that happiness for some time we then have more goals and strive to reach those tooo.

maybe like said before he is just having a pre-old man depression.

he is now retired he has all the money he wants... worked his life and now doesn't know where to go from there?

you get used to working all your life and setting goals so his cars give him that sense of acomplishment..

 

 

or maybe he is becoming megalomaniac?

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I bring up the money mostly because I knew money didn't bring happiness, but I never heard of throwing it away all to yourself. I don't want to sound selfish, but I come from a culture where parents are almost expected to financially help their children and family - but his dad doesn't spend a single cent on anybody else but himself and makes a point about not caring about the financial needs of his children no matter how simple or necessary.

 

I could go further into detail but I doubted anybody would want to hear about it.

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Did he recently retire? Sounds like it. I've seen my parents and grandparents go through this. When there aren't so many distractions they are forced into a very uncomfortable transition period. They have to redetermine compatibility. It is rough, they fight all the time, they annoy the hell out of each other, they seriously consider divorce. No kidding, I've seen this.

 

My grandparents and parent weathered this somehow and came together stronger than ever.

 

My advice is to be a kind ear, keep your mouth shut, and don't take sides. Even if you think he's being an ass. He's going through something that you can't understand.

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nooo not at all, i do know what you mean. i too grew up with families very bonded. i guess i know what you mean now, it might be a cultural thing.

 

has your bf tried bonding with him?

maybe sharing a same interest?

maybe they would get along more if he shows interest in his dads hobbies?

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Interestingly enough, my man and I and his dad have the exact same passion - cars. His dad even owned a auto shop when he was younger - I think that's why he's splurging on his own cars. My man grew up with cars, everybody goes to him, we help around in our friend's shop and we work on our own cars too. So we share an interest.

 

To go a bit more into detail, his dad once offered to go into business with us to make a shop. We all wanted to, we were all very excited - but then now whenever we try to make plans like before, he acts like we're not even speaking... He does that with everything now - he ignores everything that doesn't have to do with him.

My man is an amazing driver (this is where the cultural difference comes in) and has gone to track events/autoX in our '86 Corolla with a mere 85 whp on snow/ice tires and has come in second! He beat porches, lotus', fully tracked out subies and miatas all on racing-compound tires... However, it cost us a lot of our money to go to the track events. His dad won't help at all, and it almost smells like jealousy.

Come to think of it, ever since my man got an Evo9mr and has been doing amazingly well with cars and racing events, his dad has started pouring more money into his own cars and neglecting his own son. In my asian culture, parents do whatever it takes to get their children to the top; my father always gave me the opportunity to pursue my dreams, even though he's not nearly as financially set as my man's dad is.

But my man's dad refuses even though it's pocket change.

 

I keep my mouth shut, but I guess I just never knew parents could act more adolescent than their own children. Once again that could just be my culture... but still, it's so odd that a fully-grown man could turn his back on his family so easily. True, I can't understand what he's going through but from what I've noticed, he is just so irritatingly rude and selfish now. My man's mom made him a big Italian dinner (the family is 100% Italian) but all he did was complain - I swear I thought I was watching a teenager complain to their mother.

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Did he recently retire? Sounds like it. I've seen my parents and grandparents go through this. When there aren't so many distractions they are forced into a very uncomfortable transition period. They have to redetermine compatibility. It is rough, they fight all the time, they annoy the hell out of each other, they seriously consider divorce. No kidding, I've seen this.

 

My grandparents and parent weathered this somehow and came together stronger than ever.

 

My advice is to be a kind ear, keep your mouth shut, and don't take sides. Even if you think he's being an ass. He's going through something that you can't understand.

 

He retired from the gas-station-owning business around 3-5 years ago and you're right, that's when his behavior became immature and selfish. I do what I can to support the mom emotionally, and I do keep my mouth shut - I guess I'm from a culture where disrespect, rudeness and selfishness of such caliber is disgusting.

 

I will heed your advice to keep my mouth shut, that's actually the easy part - it's the not-taking-sides part that's going to take some work

 

But thank you, I haven't looked at it from that perspective.

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woow, that is strange....

it does sound like it may be jealousy..

that is a hard age to reach thou...

you find yourself alone, the only hobby you were good at you seem to get beat by your own son,

but it sounds more stupid in my opinion to act that way instead of being proud or happy for you guys...

 

has he had any mental disorders? are there any mental disorders in the family history?

 

 

 

i think it is a cultural thing, i grew up outside of the u.s.a. and my family is the same way, my parents would work until i have what i want.

 

a lot of my friends that i have out here have been that way, they were only supported financialy until they were old enough to move out then they give them the boot and thats that.

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I just asked my man about the family history/mental disorders etc on his dad's side - and it figures that his dad never knew his own father much. That, and my man's dad has a delinquent brother who's a druggie-liar.

Even if that influenced him as he was growing up - it's possible that he's been married all this time and has only recently gone nuts? Never really thought of his history much... that could have a lot to do with it.

 

I'm glad somebody understands the kind of culture I come from - sounds like yours is quite like mine. It hurts my man, even if a little, to feel that his father is jealous and that's why he won't help him. In the racing world, it's all about money. So when his dad refused to help him achieve his dreams, I was shocked.

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yeah well i asked about the mental disorder b ecause i know some things can cause that, i had an uncle who around 60 started acting like a teen, and i mean really like a teen.. every year it got worse and worse and he was later diagnosed with alzheimers.

 

but don't worry about that

its more likely the age he hit and how life is hitting him,

did he have younger brothers/sisters ?

growing up with out a father can affect you big time,

it affected my dad, he grew up being the "man" of the house so didn't really have that much of a child hood,

this may be the way your bf's dad grew up too, always trying to be a father figure and now that he isn't he doesn't know how to act,

it can even be traced back to basic male psychology even in the animal kingdom,

his son (your bf) is at a age were his dad might feel like he is a treat to him, like he has to prove himself still the alphamale of the family...

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There's not much else we know about his family other than he has no sisters and his brother is very close in age.

 

I was very intrigued by what you said regarding the alphamale complex... that sounds very possible. Why else would a father compete with his son rather than support him?

 

Thank you for bringing this insight into the picture, it's really helped my man and I get some perspective, and it's easier to accept the behavior (clear the confusion) when you understand.

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I hope in time he realizes how much he's hurt the family with his blatant disrespect for everyone, his selfishness, his obnoxious need to brag about his money but refuse to spend anything for his own son's future (I've completely agreed with your insight on the whole alphamale thing... my man has mentioned that his dad can't accept that he's old now), and his inability to be a good father anymore. And hopefully he comes around but if not, thankfully we are hardworking

 

I really appreciate your insight on this, I've been trying to understand how a fully-grown 50 year old man can do such a thing to his family and you've shed so much light on it for my man and me. He appreciates it too and it has helped him to better understand, so thank you getbiii

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yup thats how i see it more likely, its like life hit him hard with his age, all of a sudden he got lowered from his position...

he woke up one day not being the man of the house anymore...

 

And why is he not the man of his house? I don't understand this.

 

And to the OP, how old is your boyfriend? I have a strange feeling you are a little too upset over what the father is giving (or not giving) to his son. It could be his dad feels since he made it on his own, the son would be better off doing the same. Some consider it harmful to coddle their adult children this way, encouraging them to become lazy and even leeches.

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And why is he not the man of his house? I don't understand this.

 

And to the OP, how old is your boyfriend? I have a strange feeling you are a little too upset over what the father is giving (or not giving) to his son. It could be his dad feels since he made it on his own, the son would be better off doing the same. Some consider it harmful to coddle their adult children this way, encouraging them to become lazy and even leeches.

I agree with this.

 

Despite what you say about the culture, it does seem that there is a sense of entitlement here to someone else's money.

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^ i agree with those two.

men should grow up on their own two feet. if he needs to borrow money from his father to achieve his dreams, he should re-dream. help from your father is a blessing that one should never ask for, never expect. even if his father is rich, he earned it on his own and deserves to spend whatever way he wishes. if he doesnt wanna share, then thats a good thing. he's helping his son be a man and fight for himself. maybe i should stop saying "be a man", since some of you may take it as sexist. but you guys should get the gist of what i am trying to say.

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Whereas I do see where you're coming from, it has very much to do with culture. My father is very strict - more strict than my man's dad. My dad pushed me to achieve amazing things and paved the way for me in any passion I had, that's just how our culture is. Unless the son/daughter does something disrespectful to the family, the parents are always there for them and I recall saying emotionally and financially.

 

For a parent who has this kind of money to suddenly hoard it all to himself after making promises and giving hope isn't an issue of entitlement, it's an issue of dignity and kindness.

We very well can achieve our dreams on the track without his father - it'll just take us a very long time and therefore we'll be practicing our passion in the middle of the night.

 

I was more curious how a generous, fun-loving man could turn into such a selfish little boy; giving an attitude to anyone who talks to him about anything other than what he wants or is about him. We try our best to be mature and kind with him when he stops by, but it's like he on a mission to sabotage everyone's day. I'm not looking to solve it - we can't, my post was more geared towards understanding how a full-grown man can flip a 180 in personality and turn his back on his family.

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