Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: My boyfriend acts like a baby!

  1. #1
    SDAL
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    18
    Gender
    Female

    My boyfriend acts like a baby!

    You know the saying 'It's not what you say, it's how you say it'? This doesnít apply to my boyfriend. He's driving me nuts because if he thinks I'm even a little upset with him about something, he gets extremely defensive. No kidding, something really small that I'm not even angry about will get blown up into a huge, messy fight if I donít keep my cool. If I'm upset over something and I know I need to talk to him, I will rack my brain trying to find the right words to use so he won't feel attacked. But it doesn't do any good because no matter what words I use or what tone of voice, he will get defensive and blow things up. I've figured out that no matter how I approach him, he will manipulate the situation to make himself the victim and me the bad person. For example, no matter how calm I am, he'll accuse me of yelling at him, even when I've done nothing of the sort. The thing is, is that he honestly believes I've yelled at him. Almost like we werenít even in the same conversation.

    Mind you, I don't bring things up to him all that often. I would say that generally I'm pretty happy with myself and the relationship. Except for this, the relationship is really good. But this one thing is making me resent him. I'm actually holding back from discussing things with him because it's less stressful for me to do that than to try to talk to him about what ever it is. I suggested that we talk to a therapist about this. He rolled his eyes but agreed. Is this how other couples fight? I feel like I'm trying so hard to fight fair and I just can't do anything right. Help

  2. #2
    turnera
    Platinum Member turnera's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    2,616
    Thanked
    8
    It will only get worse. You are already molding yourself - CHANGING yourself - to fit his issues. And it will get worse.

    Start telling the truth. And walking away from him if he throws a fit. It's the only way.

  3. #3
    sidehop
    Platinum Member sidehop's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Age
    38
    Posts
    6,879
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    3
    If he wants to change, chances are he probably should go see a counselor. There could be number of reasons why he's being defensive in many situations. Fear of being proved wrong, trying to protect his ego, insecure about his own feeling or other reasons that's causing him to not accept or try to communicate with you in a mature manner.

  4. #4
    Convict7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    135
    He may be very insecure about the relationship. Scared that you will want to leave him and so plays the victim without realizing. He may feel not good enough for you and when you point out something he is doing wrong it feels to him like the house of cards may be toppling.

    Even with that you should bring up issues as they come, he needs to learn to accept that you are with him by choice and having a fight or getting mad won't necessarily change that. Anger and fights with people close to you are natural, you can't avoid fighting, and you shouldn't hold in your emotions.

    My advice is to very calmly talk to him about this possible insecurity. The key is to not only speak calmly, but to choose your words carefully. Make sure you're not blaming him or telling him he is wrong. Bring it up as an issue between both of you that neither is to blame for. Something like, "I find myself avoiding conflict with you to the point where I am holding back my feelings. I need to know that you can handle discussing problems without taking them personally." That could get the ball rolling. Something along those lines. Good luck.

  5. #5
    Speranza
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    56
    Posts
    1,761
    Gender
    Female
    The clue is in your thread title. You do need outside help, and I'd suggest you find someone who will work with you along the lines of Transactional Analysis, where you learn which 'voice' you are using - Parent, Adult, Child...

    Whatever you say to him, he is hearing Nagging/Disapproving Parent (maybe something to do with his childhood) and he is reacting as a child.

    You do need help because this really not a healthy way to be, and it is perfectly possible to learn to be different.

    Even the eye-rolling is the response of a teenager to their unreasonable mother! lol

  6. #6
    SDAL
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    18
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. He has gone to a therapist before, but I don't think it was very helpful because he didn't know what to talk about when he was there. I've payed attention lately and noticed that he's the type of person that thinks he's right and anyone who doesn't agree with him is wrong. And not just with me, but with his colleagues, his family, politically. I do think if I go with him to therapy, that will help.

    It's just so incredibly frustrating for me. I agree that every relationship will have conflict, but with him, it feels like I'm not supposed to ever get upset with him...over anything. Like I'm supposed to be 100% happy with him all the time.

  7. #7
    Speranza
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    56
    Posts
    1,761
    Gender
    Female
    You might want to google Narcissist and see if anything rings a bell...

  8. #8
    SDAL
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    18
    Gender
    Female
    Quote Originally Posted by Speranza [Register to see the link]
    The clue is in your thread title. You do need outside help, and I'd suggest you find someone who will work with you along the lines of Transactional Analysis, where you learn which 'voice' you are using - Parent, Adult, Child...

    Whatever you say to him, he is hearing Nagging/Disapproving Parent (maybe something to do with his childhood) and he is reacting as a child.

    You do need help because this really not a healthy way to be, and it is perfectly possible to learn to be different.

    Even the eye-rolling is the response of a teenager to their unreasonable mother! lol
    Oh, you're right. He absolutely reacts childishly! When I try to talk to him, once we're in an argument, usually he won't even stay in the same room. I'll be sitting down, and he'll walk around, do the dishes, clean up, anything to avoid the conversation. Even if I can get him to sit in the same room and talk, he usually won't make eye contact. He'll stare at the wall.

    I definitely agree we need some outside help.



    Quote Originally Posted by Speranza [Register to see the link]
    You might want to google Narcissist and see if anything rings a bell...
    Hahaha! Too funny!

  9. #9
    Speranza
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    56
    Posts
    1,761
    Gender
    Female
    Not sure 'funny' is the word...

  10. #10
    FuzzyKitten
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    usa
    Age
    34
    Posts
    104
    Gender
    Female
    This is kind of how my husband is. And pretty much exactly the way I feel about it. The thing is with him though is that he knows he's manipulating the situation and he knows that he's wrong. We've talked about this a number of times. I ask him all the time how he is so good at manipulating things to make me feel like I am going crazy. We both know that it's getting out of control and that he is being childish and twisting things around, but somehow it still makes me crazy.

    He's been going to therapy for a couple of months now and it is really helping. We've been able to talk about things and even talk about him being manipulative. He's really trying and I can see it. I think your boyfriend would have to be willing to see that he has a problem and be willing to work on it for anything to change.

    Try and find a time when he is in a good mood, and being really loving and then try to bring it up in a non confrontational way. That's how I got thru to my husband. He wanted to change because he saw how it was affecting me.

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
what should i do
I am 56 being in a relationship with my bf for 5 years. Its been up down up down all the time. First he cheated on me several times. Then over
partner going away for 3 weeks without really consulting me
Hi everyone, My partner has gone away on a holiday to Europe with his 2 kids for 3 weeks. The dates chosen supposedly suited one of the kids (she
What to do when the person you like straight out ignores you a lot of times?
There's this guy I'm into and we've had our ups and downs, but he has this really annoying habit where he'll just simply ignore me sometimes. I'll
Girlfriend Doesn't Think I Trust Her
Hey y'all I am very upset and confused by this situation I am in. I have been dating this awesome girl for a year or so and we get along great
My girlfriend keeps moving the goalposts and never admits to the truth.
Whenever I [42M] talk (not even fight) with my gf [40F] of 2 years about anything she might have done wrong (or not even, she just has to perceive it
Cannot tolerate my sister-in-law, ugh!
I really, really hate my husband's sister. He is closer to her than anyone else in his family. Do I have to suck it up? For some
Gf visiting ex bf at the hospital
From the very beginning.... I met a girl in January and talked to her here and there for a few weeks. Towards the end of February she broke up with

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Don Juan President
I'm the president of Don Juans. I know all the top moves to make with females and I've had sex so many times. If a man needs advice ask right here.
Talk Dirty to Me!
OMGosh this is rampant. I have been serial dating in hopes of finding a long term relationship. BTW, nn the past two weeks I have been doing really
Is it wrong that I don't drive my parent's car to drive myself places as of now?
I am 20 and I have my driver's license but I don't have my own car yet so I have to rely on my parents and the bus to get me places but my parents
Friendship changes, how to deal?
Hello All, My friend and I are close. We consider our friendship like a brother & sister type. Lately, I've been noticing he has been treating me
Online Dating Descripton Sets Off Red Flags For Me, But Maybe Not for Others?
I have someone who has been giving me attention with Online Dating (yes, I thought I'd give it a gentle go. Dip my toe in the water even though I was
Help
Hi, I'm 37 and I have been with my partner for about 5 years and we have been married just under a year. About 5 months ago my now wife had an
Did you ever get over your first love? Post your stories!
Hello, I've been feeling kind of down lately because I always hear people saying that you never get over your first love, or you'll always compare
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •