"Excuses"=Lies. Objective Comments Requested.

Aren't excuses the same thing as lies? To me, they are.

I don't want to revist my relationship with my boyfriend. We both have enough personal issues to keep working out.

But this is a specific problem between the two of us and while I don't want advice about whether to stay with him, I would like analysis, opinion, or your own stories about lies and excuses in a relationship. Please don't slam me or lecture me.

Specifically, my boyfriend tends to say things and not follow through. He claims he didn't go to work because he had a flat bike tire, but the next week, he rode his bike to work. When I confronted him, he admitted that he just didn't feel like going to work, but denied that he lied because he said his bike tire "really was going flat." I think he's just trying to excuse his behavior, and to me it is still a LIE.

Also, he was supposed to get his car fixed the other day. He's actually claimed to try to fix it for months, but never followed though. When I asked if he wanted to get together on Friday, he told me to take public transportation to his house, which is fine...I don't mind...but that just proves that his car is still not fixed. Which means he lied.

Also, he doesn't have a phone or his own computer. I cannot get ahold of him except at church, which I think is ridicuous in a serious relationship. He told me about a month ago that he was going to get a cell phone. He claims it's because he has to work and has no car. But he takes days off of work all the time and just sits at home watching TV. His stories don't add up. He once said he had to take a day off work to take in bottles to be recycled. Another time, he said he had to take a day off work because he had a blister on his toe from walking with me the previous day! Besides being irresponsible, the LIES are what kills me. Does he really think I am going to buy these stories?

He tells me how much he loves me and wants to marry me. He promises me that he's "different" when he's married (he was once before) and that he takes paying the bills seriously. I think it's bs.

He's loving and affectionate in other ways. I just don't know how to get through to him. He promised to take care of some medical issues and DID start addressing them for a few weeks, but he still needs a couple more procedures and claims he can't because he will have to take time off work for the surgery, which he can't afford (but still, he takes days off work because of all these other minor reasons...hmmm).

The reason I'm not so hard on him is because I have my own issues. I am laid off of my job, I don't have my own car, and I live at home too. But the difference is that I don't lie and I try harder than he does. I don't make excuses, except maybe for him!

Is he lying? How can I get him to see that he is? He doesn't seem to think it's a problem, but it most certainly is for me. I would like to learn to address this, because I would hate to leave unless I can't get him to understand.

He's an adult, and I can't see how you can change him, and that's not your job to do anyway.

I'm willing to bet when he's married he is different, probably much worse.

But this is a specific problem between the two of us and while I don't want advice about whether to stay with him, I would like analysis, opinion, or your own stories about lies and excuses in a relationship. Please don't slam me or lecture me.

 

Specifically, my boyfriend tends to say things and not follow through. He claims he didn't go to work because he had a flat bike tire, but the next week, he rode his bike to work. When I confronted him, he admitted that he just didn't feel like going to work, but denied that he lied because he said his bike tire "really was going flat." I think he's just trying to excuse his behavior, and to me it is still a LIE.

you don't want lectures. but what do you want? advice on how to 'change' him?

look, my take is that if i am dating a man, there are behaviors i find acceptable and behaviors i find unacceptable. scratch that - i feel that way about EVERYONE - coworkers, friends, bosses, boyfriends, manicurists, etc. if i'm finding that someone is consistently lying/making excuses to me, bending the truth, etc, i lose respect for them, which in turn damages our relaltionship, whether it's a working or romantic relationship.

only you can decide what your dealbreakers are and how much BS to put up with.

i would not be compatible with your boyfriend because he sounds unreliable, immature, and not a hard working, grown adult man. he would not be an attractive romantic partner in my eyes, nor be good husband material. that is my objective opinion.

You've said yourself he's a deadbeat, lying, lazy, excuse-making, irresponsible, sometimes grossly objectifying guy, yet you still make excuses for him because he "shows affection in other ways."

Do what's right for you, not for him or "us" (the two of you).

You can't change him but you can't let him make these excuses otherwise you'll get nowhere and so will he. You can't give him ultimatums because that's not healthy. If he won't change himself, what else can you do?

He's on his very best behavior at this point. I shudder to think what would happen if he relaxed.

annie24 - exactly ;]

The point is what the boundaries and expectations you have for him are. If he's consistently crossing your line of comfort and not willing to do anything about it - that says a lot about him and in my personal, objective opinion - I wouldn't let that fly.

I'm all about respect. Especially self-respect. He needs to know how you feel - and if that doesn't at least help the situation on your end, then it is damaging to the health of your relationship.

I think saying "I'm going to get a cell phone" and him not getting one isn't a LIE - it's him not following through on what he says.

I don't see him lying - he just seems kind of lazy, unmotivated and unreliable. I don't see him as a liar, but those things are just as bad. The problem is that you're checking up on him, trying to make him do things he's clearly not that interested in doing - in doing so, behaving like his mother - and he's behaving like your child - giving you the run around, saying he'll do things but then not doing them, and giving you lame excuses because he doesn't want to just say he didn't feel like going to work so he didn't.

You shouldn't be hard on him, not because you have your own issues (which I suggest you focus on rather than his), but because it's not your place. You don't want to spend your life making him do x for his health, y for his job: it's not fun now, and it's not going to be fun later. I would step firmly out of pushing/prodding/forcing/asking/begging him to do anything, and let him run his own show. Just make dates and hang out, and don't get involved in his job or medical issues.

And I think we all know he's not going to change after you get married - unless it's because you're riding him all the time, and is that really what you want to do? Life's too short to spend it bossing an unwilling adult around.

womanwriter - what do you want from your future husband? what qualities do you want him to have?

for me, reliability is a big one. if i'm going to live with, start a family with, live the rest of my life with, have a joint bank account with him, i want to have a RELIABLE man. one i know will follow through on what he says, and acts in a way that i know i can trust him.

it depends - if reliability is not a big deal for you, then you can let this all go.

i agree with sophie that it is not your job to parent him. unless you want to make that your job and you feel that the role of 'wife' should be to be his parent as well. i don't know, some people get off on that.

I think that lies and excuses can be different but an excuse can be a lie. If a person is consistently lying to you then I dont see how you can expect them to change their behavior. You have to know that person is a liar.

so, i was thinking about this a little bit. are lies the same thing as excuses? well, not really. but it shows where someone's priorities are.

for instance: if someone doesn't go to work because of one of the reasons:

-they got the swine flu

-they are in the emergency room

-they have a blister on their foot

-their bike has a flat tire

-they don't feel like it

-their child is sick at home and they need to take care of them

all of these reasons can be justified, but can show one's priorities. ie, if they are 'too sick' to go to work, but not sick enough to go to the mall and shop. or if their bike has a flat tire, and they choose not to take public transportation, or get a ride from a friend. now, it depends on what kind of work they are in. many people can in fact, work from home. i can be sick, but stay home and still get work done (lucky me, lol).

To paraphrase Miss Firecracker, if this is "not so hard on him," I shudder to think what hard on him is.

OP, please put this man and your relationship out of their misery. You come to this board over and over to complain about how awful he is and how you want to change him. It's not your place or your right, and some other woman is going to love him for every little quirk that he has.