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Thread: Boyfriend is way too indecisive

  1. #1
    hers
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    Boyfriend is way too indecisive

    My boyfriend is really laid back, which is great, but he's almost too laid back. To the point where he can't make decisions and it's driving me crazy. We had the whole weekend together, had plans to go to the beach, go to a festival here in town, go fishing with his friend, etc. That's fine, we came to that decision together. But when it comes to making the decisions at the last minute, that's the problem. All I ever get when I throw out an idea is "Whatever you want to do, baby." If I ask him what he feels like doing, "Whatever you want is fine wiht me."

    Now, for a control freak like me, that sounds ideal, right? But it's not. I don't want to make all the decisions!! Like we planned to go to the beach yesterday b/c it was nice out. Both of us wanted to do that, cool. Before we went, we wanted to stop somewhere and eat. I asked where he felt like eating. He said "I don't really care". Ok, I say "How about that bagel place?" I get "I don't really like bagels." "Ok so where then?" "It doesn't matter to me." If he really did care, why not say it? I feel like I have to throw out all the details and come up with the next thing to do.

    Then last night we were trying to figure out what to do today. We didn't go fishing with his friend last night and we didn't make it to the festival yesterday, so I asked last night if he wanted to do the beach again with some friends and then go to the festival. He said just before he wnt to bed that we'll "play it by ear" (always his answer). He said he had some stuff to help his dad with at home and when I asked him for specifics, he said he didn't know. This mroning we wake up and asks what I want to do. Asks if I am going to the beach and stuff with my friend. I told him I didn't decide yet b/c he said he wanted to play everything by ear. And then he says "Well I have to go help my dad with that stuff before noon." He hadn't talked to his dad at all from the time he went to sleep to the time he woke up! Why didn't he tell me the specifics last night? So now I feel like I had to put a hold on my plans b/c I didn't know if he was included in the plans or not but now he tells me he had set plans to help his dad by X time. How is that playing it by ear????

    It's really driving me mad. When I ask him why he doesn't give me any ideas, he just says he is laid back. But then when I throw out an idea, he says he doesnt want to do that. Or when I ask him what he feels like doing, he says "Whatever youw ant to do baby". He seriously told me he says that b/c he "doesnt want to upset me". I asked him if he's scared of me or something, and he says no not at all, but that he just doesn't want me to be upset with his opinion. How would I get upset about where we grab breakfast before the beach???

    I'm not a spontaneous person in a whirlwind sort of way. When it comes to getting something to eat or whatever, I can decide quickly. I like to make plans but not to the point of stone in everything. Mostly I just like to have a general idea of what we'll do around what time, just so I can know waht to expect somewhat. If we have set in stone plans, then yea, it bothers me if they get messed up. He told me today he'll be back around 2, but I know for a fact if he's not, I'll be very bothered by it b/c that is, to me, a set time. Like if you can't make it, don't say it. I have no idea if he'll be back around 2 but I know it'll bother me if he's not, even if I go out and do my own thing today, b/c I'll make sure I'm back by 2 to meet him.

    I don't know what to do. He says he just likes to come to a compromise all the time, and lately it feels like he's the onyl one compromising. But how can I compromise if I'm the only one who comes up with things to do? He doesn't give me anything to compromise on! Like it bothers him that I'm always the one coming up with ideas or plans!!!

    It's really really starting to piss me off. It's like this all the time. I love that he's laid back b/c I'm not so laid back all the time and it works for us, but he's way too laid back for my taste. I need even just a little assertiveness and decision making! Why can't he give me that?

  2. #2
    annie24
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    i think he is trying to please you by going along with what you say. i was that guy before and the guy i was with told me it was driving him crazy! lol. i wanted him to like me, so then i decided to make some decisions (ie, let's BBQ for dinner tonight). i don't know why he won't make some concrete decisions like, 'let's get chinese.' no idea.

    maybe you can just go along with that? it sounds like it's just who he is.

    i would be annoyed with the last minute plans to help out dad though. the good news is that your guy seems pretty mellow, so talking about it, i bet he won't do that in the future.

  3. #3
    hers
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    Quote Originally Posted by annie24 [Register to see the link]
    i think he is trying to please you by going along with what you say. i was that guy before and the guy i was with told me it was driving him crazy! lol. i wanted him to like me, so then i decided to make some decisions (ie, let's BBQ for dinner tonight). i don't know why he won't make some concrete decisions like, 'let's get chinese.' no idea.

    maybe you can just go along with that? it sounds like it's just who he is.

    i would be annoyed with the last minute plans to help out dad though. the good news is that your guy seems pretty mellow, so talking about it, i bet he won't do that in the future.
    how can I go along wiht "whatever you want baby" though? I don't want to make all teh decisions. I like to have his input too b/c I want him to be happy with what we do. And if I do throw out a suggestion b/c he says "whatever you want", he dismisses it! If he doesn't like what I come up wth, he's really not saying "whatever you want is fine wiht me". Because it's not fine with him, clearly.

    i am seriously at a loss here and it's making me turn into a big beeyotch with him.

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    annie24
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    i don't know - i would just tell him again that you really like it when he makes some decisions.

    what are his parents like? is his mom the big decision maker and his dad just goes along with it?

  5. #5
    hers
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    he jsut texted me and said "let me know if you're not going to be home by 2". i said "if you're planning to be here at 2, i will be here at 2". he said "i will be there". we decided on 2 b/c that's the time he put out there. I will stick to that. It's really irking me though about all of this. ANd I've done enough griping at him this weekend and need to stop--I seriously was so snappy and mean this weekend b/c of all of it (it's like it built up for so long and finally exploded on me) and I'm making myself hold back from griping at him again about it.

  6. #6
    hers
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    Quote Originally Posted by annie24 [Register to see the link]
    i don't know - i would just tell him again that you really like it when he makes some decisions.

    what are his parents like? is his mom the big decision maker and his dad just goes along with it?
    i have! That's when he said he doesn't want me to be upset with what decision he comes up with and that's why he lets me decide. It goes in a circle. Every time.

    His dad is really laid back, his mom is really high maintenance. I've written threads about her before. She always needs someone to do things for her, even things she's capable of herself (like going to get cigarettes from the store). His dad is very easy-going too, so I know that's where he gets it from. His dad is still recovering from his 3-month stint in the hospital though so I haven't seen them get out and do much.

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    JusticeLaw9
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    I feel where you're coming from and I get how annoying that may be after a while. I've dated women like that in the past that just rely on me to make all the decisions for everything. It's like they're not really playing the part by just sitting back on cruise control and not grabbing the wheel, sometime.

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    RedDress
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    Quote Originally Posted by hersmudders [Register to see the link]
    how can I go along wiht "whatever you want baby" though? I don't want to make all teh decisions. I like to have his input too b/c I want him to be happy with what we do. And if I do throw out a suggestion b/c he says "whatever you want", he dismisses it! If he doesn't like what I come up wth, he's really not saying "whatever you want is fine wiht me". Because it's not fine with him, clearly.

    i am seriously at a loss here and it's making me turn into a big beeyotch with him.
    Oooh... I have a friend like this. Yes - it IS annoying. He knows it annoys the heck out of me - but I just don't think he knows he's doing it. My solution? When I want HIM to make a decision I ask what he wants to do. When he says "whatever you want" - I just sit there silently and blink at him. When he says "what's wrong?" I say "well - I am waiting for you to make a decision".

    It's slightly passive-aggressive, but it usually works.

  9. #9
    IvantheAvg

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    Maybe I'm old school or an a--hole but its up to the male to take the lead. The fact that he doesn't want to put forth an effort to even have an input is a red flag. There is a difference between being laid back and not wanting to put forth an effort.

  10. #10
    hers
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    so he started texting me about how he hopes today is better than yesterday and all that stuff so now we're talking about it. he literally just said "I just want you to be happy and I thought you being in control made you happy".

    Wow. That really really hurts.

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