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Having girl friends disappear when they are in relationships


Allyo

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I am so frustrated! I see this pattern all the time, where a woman gets a boyfriend and suddenly ignores her friends. Has this happened to you? Is it just as common for it to happen vice-versa, like a man getting a girlfriend and then ignoring his male friends?

 

This happened with one of my best friends since we were 13. It has been more cyclical, as in she is available to hang out and loads of fun when she doesn't have a boyfriend, but completely unavailable if she does have one. We now live far away, and she stopped responding to e-mails so I don't even bother anymore.

 

This happened with another recent friend of mine of about a year and a half, we became close friends and then all of a sudden she found a boyfriend. I even lent her a lot of money at one point when she was having financial difficulties after her mom died (she never paid me back). Her and her boyfriend had problems in the beginning, and she would call me to complain all the time... but now that things are going just fine, she doesn't even bother to call! The other day I asked her what were HER plans were for the evening, and she responded, "WE don't have any." I was asking HER, not her and her boyfriend! Uggh!

 

This actually takes a blow to my self-esteem. When you consider somebody special or important to you it hurts to lose them. Like their boyfriends are that much greater than me? They don't miss me at all? It hurts! I currently have a boyfriend, and in fact I encourage him to go out with his friends without me. I would never let a girl friend go so easily, but this makes me feel so dispensable.

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And to add on... my roommate is the same way! Her boyfriend cheated on her, and they broke up for a couple months. She was always down to hang out and go out dancing when he wasn't around. She would always invite friends over to the house... It didn't really seem like she was having such a bad time without him!

 

Now they decided to get back together... and all of a sudden they are super serious. They spend one night in our house, and one night in his house. Which basically means - I don't see her alone, she is ALWAYS with him. I mean, I kind of don't like hanging out with her anymore - in or outside the house - since it always implies hanging out with him. How lame! Maybe it is my age or my immaturity or my spontaneity, but a routine like that seems so boring to me! If they live like that why don't they get a place together already...?!

 

Okay, enough venting...

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Generally, during the honeymoon phase the two in question usually focus on each other, nothing else. They do not forget you per se; they know you are there, they may want to spend time with you, but on their list of priorities, you do not rank as high as the significant other. The honeymoon phase starts as soon as does the relationship, usually it only lasts a couple of months, but its not a static amount of time and it can go as long as anyone could imagine.

A piece of advice I could give you, is to not allow them to forget about you. Talk to your friends about how you want to spend more time with them and how you feel 'forgotten'. It's not uncommon for this to happen. The only thing you can do is remind your friends you are there, and their life is not their boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes being as up front as possible about it helps; it proves your point.

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agreed- I try to avoid people with boyfriends. It seems to completely consume them and I hate to be the cynical one, but honestly I just want to say LIVE because you are probably not going to be dating this person in a year! sheesh.

Luckily most of my friends don't have boyfriends and the ones that do for the most part are not obnoxious about it. My roommate on the other hand has NO friends because of her gross bf who spends way too much time in my/our room (yup I'm bitter)

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This happens with both men and women.

 

Your friends are not wanting to spend the rest of their life with you.

They are planning on doing this with who they find love with.

This gives everyone a tendency to distance themselves from their friends and their friends SHOULD be happy for them.

Not jealous that they have found someone.

 

And I know some females who do put a bad rap on their friends BF just so the BF gets pushed away so the friend comes back.

Seen it many times to be honest.

 

For whatever reason you still want to play around.

Your friends don't.

 

The Fix

Get a boyfriend, suck it up or find women like yourself.

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Your friends are not wanting to spend the rest of their life with you.

They are planning on doing this with who they find love with.

 

I put a high value on friendship. Of course I would think that my best girl friends would be my friends for life!

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I would disagree with you Itd (i hope i didn't misunderstand).

I don't think the OP sounds jealous or anything like that. It can be pretty hurtful when close friends suddenly act like they no longer care to spend time with you just because they've met someone. There can be a balance; friendships are important to maintain as well. Some people don't really work on creating that balance, and then friendships can be negatively affected by this.

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If you are their best friend you would be happy they have found someone to fall in love with.

 

Even if it means they are not in contact with you anywhere near as much or not wanting to go out partying and clubbing like a single woman.

 

They still consider you a friend.

But they also want to live a happy life under the same house with someone who they can happily call their other half and this is what they are trying to do.

 

EDIT

OP I see now you do have a partner, you will have to understand that they are different in the way they like to place their BF as number one over their friends to the point where everything between them comes first.

 

Even to the point where you may feel neglected.

 

Just need to understand it's what happens.

 

They will still be there in the end.

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UGH I feel your pain Allyo. I've been in a relationship for almost a year and I don't act like that. There's no NEED to act like that and people should be more considerate. Whether they are in love or not, they should still make an effort to be a good friend.

 

One of my best friends did this to me when she got her first boyfriend. She and I used to rely on each other quite a bit plus I didn't have a boyfriend of my own at the time, so I was pretty hurt by her disappearing from my life. When we finally did arrange a time to go out with the girls once in awhile, she'd ditch us after half an hour to go hang with him! I never told her how much it bothered me, but when they broke up she eventually apologized on her own. She is now with someone who suits her much better, and even during their honeymoon phase she was careful to never ignore her friends. I take it as a sign of maturity and a sign of a healthy relationship that they don't let each other be consumed by the romance so much that they can't still be good to their older friends.

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I would disagree with you Itd (i hope i didn't misunderstand).

I don't think the OP sounds jealous or anything like that. It can be pretty hurtful when close friends suddenly act like they no longer care to spend time with you just because they've met someone. There can be a balance; friendships are important to maintain as well. Some people don't really work on creating that balance, and then friendships can be negatively affected by this.

 

I agree with this. The boyfriend can be number 1, but he doesn't have to be number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 with all other friends knocked completely off the list.

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Okay, I have to give you come credit. Maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. I'm not really talking about partying or clubbing specifically, I barely go out like that since I graduated from college, but just in general being able to talk to them or spend time with them!

 

I have a genuine need to have relationships outside of my boyfriend, although I love being with him. I can understand that other people aren't like this. Maybe this is the reality of growing up and getting serious and getting married off to someone...? I at least know it will be a personal priority to keep up my other relationships in my life outside of my boyfriend, no matter what!

 

I should try to be happier for them..

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Girls do this way more than guys. My ex dropped all of her friends when meeting me and said she doesn't trust other females because " They always end up turning on you"

She ended up betraying and turning on me 14 years later and is likely spending 100% of her time wit the new guy. Guys don't think this way and turn on other guys like that.

 

That is a fact

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A piece of advice I could give you, is to not allow them to forget about you. Talk to your friends about how you want to spend more time with them and how you feel 'forgotten'. It's not uncommon for this to happen. The only thing you can do is remind your friends you are there, and their life is not their boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes being as up front as possible about it helps; it proves your point.

 

This seems like really good advice, but for some reason I think it would be really hard to tell my friends that! I guess I would be afraid of hurting their feelings, because I do want to be happy for them if they are genuinely happy. I should make an effort to stay in contact and hopefully tell them how I feel when the time is right..

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I have to apologize to you as some of what I have talked about partly comes from my own experiences with partners who have friends who are not in relationships and make them feel real bad for being with me.

 

Saying things like they have changed, they are too young to settle down, there's plenty more men out there, they're too hot to be tied down, they are going to regret missing out on life they should be living by being with me.

 

So my perspective comes from women who do not want to settle down having control over their friends relationships.

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Hi,

This has happened to me before, it usually happens with certain friends, but not all my friends. And when a breakup happens usually they will come back and spend more time with me. At points it has bothered me but I just end up accepting it. I have had it happen with a friend who is one of my closest friends and I have known her for more than half my life, but I was always there for her because even when she disappeared she was always a lovely person and continues to be there. And I can always rely on her too in so many ways. I have noticed it with some male friends too even, but for me personally more females have been that way in my life. Although I have heard males can do it equally. I think you should just try to stay connected and let them know you would like to see them and they may understand, or they may not. I do hear what you are saying, and I know it can be disheartening but don't take it as something wrong with you or a blow to self esteem it has nothing to do with you at all.

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Unfortunately, I lost my best friend because I did this. I was emotionally unstable and lost myself in my BF (now husband), that and I matured much quicker than my friends which led to incompatibility (not because of hubby, but because of past traumas).

 

I am just now starting to make friends now that I am in recovery, it's a slow process.

 

My point is that there are so many reasons why this happens and one shouldn't be labeled a bad person because it does. No one knows what personal demons are lurking around everyone's corner.

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I'd guess that personal demons are a factor in only the minority of cases

 

Not necessarily, unless, of course, they are just incapable of having feelings toward their friends while they are in a relationship.

 

That, to me, makes me think that they too have some kind of emotional issue.

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It's not about being incapable of having feelings for friends, I think it's more about the woman (or man I guess) being so swept away in relationships that they try to make the new partner their whole life.

 

So maybe that is about having emotional issues in many cases! For my friend that I mentioned earlier, I think it was more her extreme excitement and infatuation with her new boyfriend (especially because he was her first boyfriend). I would have known if there were personal demons or bigger things happening in her life causing her to act like that. Maybe there are a variety of different reasons for everyone.

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I think it also depends a lot on age and experience. I am 30 now, and I now know the importance of friends for myself and hubby. Back when I first met him, at 19, I was all about him. My past traumas only glued me tighter to him.

 

Now that I am older (cringe) and wiser (cringe some more), I realize that we need time apart with other people. I encourage him to hang out with his buddies, and he does the same with me.

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Your perspective is rather interesting.

 

I can see it from another angle.

When we have been with someone for quite a while we tend to not desire to be around them so much.

 

Like a brand new toy.

You have it and absolutely love it to bits but after a while it gets old....

We get sentimentally attached to it and don't want to let it go.

 

Sop we keep it but don't play with it as often.

 

Then we go back to the other things we loved.

 

I know that's a horrible way of looking at it but it's the way I see some relationships and friendships.

 

Could be worse.....new toy, love it to bits, becomes old....forget about it and get a new one.

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I noticed the same phenomenon, but reversed...when I started seriously dating my boyfriend, girlfriends of mine didn't want to hang out because I wasn't down for the "boyhunting" or acting all wild and crazy in the clubs, dancing with strange guys. It seemed like my friends thought that I was somehow less fun because I was in a relationship. And when we moved in together, it took them a while to get used to the idea that if they came over to my place, they'd have to hang out with my boyfriend as well as myself (he lives there too!).

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I think it also depends a lot on age and experience. I am 30 now, and I now know the importance of friends for myself and hubby. Back when I first met him, at 19, I was all about him. My past traumas only glued me tighter to him.

 

Now that I am older (cringe) and wiser (cringe some more), I realize that we need time apart with other people. I encourage him to hang out with his buddies, and he does the same with me.

 

This is so, so true. If you spend ALL your time with one person, you start focusing too much on their flaws and take them for granted. But if you spend time with other people it gives you a breath of fresh air and makes you realize why you are with your SO in the first place.

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