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VERY upset and can't stop crying


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Hi all. I had a great day off enjoying the 80 degree rare weather in my area and I had a friend over and I sat out on my patio for the first time in my new beautiful condo. Everything was great until about an hour ago.

 

I was in my bedroom when I heard this slight banging noise from the wall. I heard very slight moaning and I figured out it was my neighboor having sex. I met her and she is very nice and probably around my age or a little older (46-50) and I figured she was alone too like me. Well I was wrong! I guess I took comfort in thinking that because I did not want to face what I just realized tonight:

 

I am still hurt by my ex husband leaving me 4 years ago. Some of you know my story and some of you don't but what it comes down to is I am so afraid and so hurt by what he did to me I can't ever take a chance again on love. I just want to not want to date anybody. After hearing my neighboor having sex it made me realize I am not dead yet (libido and otherwise) but wish I did not care about wanting to be with someone again. To tell you the truth sometimes I go on the breakup and divorce forumns just to keep convincing myself that is where I will end up again if I get into another relationship.

 

I am so upset that I am upset. I LOVE my new condo and I don't want to feel this way now. After 4 years you would think I would over my what my ex did to me but I am not.

 

Thank you all for listening .

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Whats a condo

 

it's a flat that the OP owns. short for 'condominium'

 

weathergirl - the bad news is that this woman has a lover and you don't. The GOOD news is that she is an 'older' lady and has a lover!!! that means you can find one as well. it's not like you've lost your last chance at love. you can get out there and meet someone. my mom remarried at 63. it's never too late.

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it's a flat that the OP owns. short for 'condominium'

 

weathergirl - the bad news is that this woman has a lover and you don't. The GOOD news is that she is an 'older' lady and has a lover!!! that means you can find one as well. it's not like you've lost your last chance at love. you can get out there and meet someone. my mom remarried at 63. it's never too late.

 

Actually I can't Annie because I am too afraid. That is what I figured out tonight. I just can't take a chance again and I was ok with it for 4 years until tonight.

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I am sorry that the love sounds of your neighbour brought everything up again regarding your ex. I would have thought condos were more solidly constructed that you wouldn't hear the neighbours having sex. I feel the same way as you...on the one hand I would like to be with someone, on the other hand I am fed up with being treated with disrespect by men who have issues, and just don't want to be bothered dealing with someone else's BS. I have seen far too many unhappy people in relationships who would have been far better off not married, than in the marriages they ended up in. Part of me is relieved that I am not stuck in a horrendous relationship or marriage, and part of me is sad that I never found anyone decent to have a happy and healthy relationship with. It is hard thinking that this is it, I was meant never to find love..but then I look at many married people in miserable relationships and I realize that they never found love either, despite being married and having sex with their partner.

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maybe it would be a good time to sit down and figure what you are afraid of and how to deal with it.

 

love is a risk, for sure. but it has rewards. if you are afraid of divorce, well, you don't have to marry again. you can simply date. i know many people who do that. what i'm saying is that you don't have to dive right into the dating/relationship pool. dip your toes in. start hanging out with some nice men again.

 

have you seen a counselor about the breakup of your marriage? it might be good to have someone to talk to.

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i have a condo too and hear my neighbors having sex. i think it's funny. i also have a neighbor who vacuums EVERY saturday night at around 11 PM for the last few years now. very weird.

 

anyway, it's scary to think about having your heart broken again, but i think it's even scarier to be alone for the next 50 years of your life (let's assume you'll live to 100). why did you and your husband break up? did the breakup come out of nowhere?

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Hi CAD thank you for your input. Actually my condo is the on the end and it is a ranch and the only part that is attached to the condo next to me is my bedroom. The front of my condo faces the side so it actually looks like a house but I really could not hear them moaning until I put my ear against the wall and they were going at it very hard but it was very faint. But I do realize there are so many people out there that are in unhappy relationships and I have been using that to try to make myself feel better and to try to live a happy life without even ever dating again. I guess the question is should I never date again and have that part missing or date again and end up probably getting hurt again. I don't know.

 

I am sorry you never found love CAD. I have been reading your posts for years and you are so intelligent and would make a great partner for someone. That last thing you said about many married people who ended up miserable did not end up finding love either. Very powerful statement.

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i have a condo too and hear my neighbors having sex. i think it's funny. i also have a neighbor who vacuums EVERY saturday night at around 11 PM for the last few years now. very weird.

 

anyway, it's scary to think about having your heart broken again, but i think it's even scarier to be alone for the next 50 years of your life (let's assume you'll live to 100). why did you and your husband break up? did the breakup come out of nowhere?

 

Annie I came home one night from being out with a girlfriend and all of his stuff was gone with a note saying he wanted a divorce. He kissed my bye earlier in the day and told me to have a good time. Turns out he was having an affair with someone at work and now he is married to her.

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Annie I came home one night from being out with a girlfriend and all of his stuff was gone with a note saying he wanted a divorce. He kissed my bye earlier in the day and told me to have a good time. Turns out he was having an affair with someone at work and now he is married to her.

 

yes, i got the impression from your post that it came out of nowhere. i don't blame you for being so hurt. it's not like maybe other couples where they were in counseling together for 5 years and they tried and the signs were there. i can see how you were in the shock of your life over that. i would be beyond shocked as well.

 

have you spent some time talking to a therapist about this? i understand your fear at getting back into a relationship after this has happened to you.

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I think for me I just hate the whole dating game. I find it so contrived, so fake and phoney and so boring with trite conversations. I would prefer to meet someone through a common interest where a friendship leads into dating and a relationship. I hate the mentality of dating these days...it reminds me of little children in a car who keep saying "are we there yet?, are we there yet?" except in dating the refrain is "can we have sex yet? can we have sex yet?". It just seems to be what dating is all about these days, even in our generation....or you have to serve a purpose to them (status, money, etc). I have never met genuine people when dating..there is always an angle, always an ulterior motive which was not honourable. I understand where you are coming from about not wanting to put yourself out there. There are just too many duds out there.

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yes, i got the impression from your post that it came out of nowhere. i don't blame you for being so hurt. it's not like maybe other couples where they were in counseling together for 5 years and they tried and the signs were there. i can see how you were in the shock of your life over that. i would be beyond shocked as well.

 

have you spent some time talking to a therapist about this? i understand your fear at getting back into a relationship after this has happened to you.

 

Yes I have spent the past 4 years with a therapist about this and also my physical condition. She told me I never got really mad at him and I am holding everything inside and told me to watch the Diary of a Mad Black Woman and I did. I was sick of being hurt by him leaving that I stuffed everything down and put everything into trying to make my life better which I actually have by having a great job the past 3 years and buying my beautiful condo. I just don't want to be hurt by this. I guess I don't know how to get over it.

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That is horrible. I'm so sorry and it obviously hurts as bad today as it did four years ago. But I noticed that you began your post by talking about the beautiful day (and it really was an amazing day - after so many months of cold we really appreciate the first days of spring). It sounds like you've really put together a great life. I know it is hard to say "I'm going to just focus on the positive" - but it really is so important. Anytime I see a couple holding hands and walking happily down the street there is a part of me that is ...well..... sick & angry. But I know (and so do you) that seeing a happy couple strolling along or hearing a couple on the other side of the wall doesn't really mean that they are any happier than you. Try to keep your chin up and enjoy this weekend (and congratulations on your great new condo!)

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It sounds like you might benefit from some professional therapy. Just because you were in one relationship that failed that does not mean they will always turn out that way. It's a negative thought process which you need to break. Therapy could help you with that.

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I just got home from and they are going at it again. I guess I will just have to get used to it but don't want to feel down about my ex anymore and I liked it better when I was in denial but as I stated before I really don't know how to get over him leaving me for someone else and getting engaged to her 1 week after he left. We were married for 6 years and together for 8.5 years so we had quite a history. But it is 4 years later and I still have not dated at all since him and I am afraid to. How do I know the same thing won't happen again? There are no guarentees and that is all I need to know to not want to take a chance. If only my heart and libido would leave me alone I would be ok.

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i think you should sign up for therapy, if you haven't already. i'm not saying this to be mean, but just saying that you have to work through the horrible thing that happened to you so you can begin to open your heart again.

 

Hi Annie I already am in therapy and she has been telling me all along that I never got angry about it and she told me to watch a couple of movies which I did. The thing is when I was going through it everyone wanted me to get over it and they did not want to talk to me about it. There is no divorce in my family and they did not understand the pain I was going through and were telling me to just get over it. I do have a friend who went through a divorce years before mine and he left her but she was going through a severe crisis with her son and could not devote any time for me. My other friend would listen on the phone and said she was sorry but did not know what to say. I did join a divorce class in hopes of making some new friends that understood what I was going through but they all had a support system outside of class and were not interested in befriending me.

 

I just don't want to go through this. I have been so happy as of late getting my new place but these feelings I have been stuffing are surfacing again. I want to figure out a way to live the rest of my life without wanting someone. Is it possible?

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maybe it's time for you to get angry about the way how your ex left you?

 

most other people, when they get divorced, it's been in the process for years. like, it's been clear for a long long time that things weren't working and when the divorce comes, it's a relief. whereas for you, it was a shock out of nowhere. that is not typical. it's traumatic for sure.

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maybe it's time for you to get angry about the way how your ex left you?

 

most other people, when they get divorced, it's been in the process for years. like, it's been clear for a long long time that things weren't working and when the divorce comes, it's a relief. whereas for you, it was a shock out of nowhere. that is not typical. it's traumatic for sure.

 

Yes Annie it was VERY traumatic. I just don't want to deal with it because it is so draining and I don't want to feel down. I just wish I could live the rest of my life happy without having the hope or wanting to meet someone. I mean we were best friends for so long and yes in the end things were very stressful but his way of dealing with it was to find someone else. Three weeks before he left me (over 4 years ago) he gave me a Valentines card saying how much he loved me while he was with her. Well I don't want to bring all this up again but as I stated before I really don't know how to get over it and I don't want to drain all my energy doing it. I will keep saying I just don't want to want to be with someone it would make things so much easier.

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You thought your neighbour was single...perhaps she was and this is now a brand new relationship (or weekend hookup), hence the constant sex.

 

As for your situation...it is too bad that nobody listened to you. It is also hard when you join groups, be it support groups or interest groups...because it does seem like people are there for the hour or two but then go back to their own families and support systems. It is hard when you have nobody and are on the outside looking in. I feel that way a lot..join groups and activities and have friendships with co-workers but then everyone goes home to their own lives and their own supports. Maybe now is your time to really deal with what your ex did to you...go through the anger stage. That's okay.

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OMG I was on my new patio trying to take a nap (it is totally fenced in and has a nice, big permanent awning) and the boyfriend of my neighboor was singing "I got a brand new girlfriend and she is so beautiful" Wow I just can't believe how upset I got and I just came back in. I guess I can't escape it and need to either start dealing with my ex leaving. I just don't want to.

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You thought your neighbour was single...perhaps she was and this is now a brand new relationship (or weekend hookup), hence the constant sex.

 

As for your situation...it is too bad that nobody listened to you. It is also hard when you join groups, be it support groups or interest groups...because it does seem like people are there for the hour or two but then go back to their own families and support systems. It is hard when you have nobody and are on the outside looking in. I feel that way a lot..join groups and activities and have friendships with co-workers but then everyone goes home to their own lives and their own supports. Maybe now is your time to really deal with what your ex did to you...go through the anger stage. That's okay.

 

Yes CAD I do really need to deal with this. Not just to move forward to date again but for my own peace of mind. I guess this proves that time does NOT heal all wounds.

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OMG I was on my new patio trying to take a nap (it is totally fenced in and has a nice, big permanent awning) and the boyfriend of my neighboor was singing "I got a brand new girlfriend and she is so beautiful" Wow I just can't believe how upset I got and I just came back in. I guess I can't escape it and need to either start dealing with my ex leaving. I just don't want to.

 

why don't you ask her where she met him, and if he has a single brother?

 

look, you can get depressed, or you can take her new love as a positive thing - that you can still find love and you don't have to live the next several decades of your life alone.

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