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My boyfriend doesn't think it's important to call me back.


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I'm going to try to make this as straight-forward and short as possible.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a couple of years now and we are having in issue (at least I think so). My boyfriend does not think it's a big deal to call people back. He rarely answers his phone. We have gotten in a few arguments about this. I called him last night leaving him a message to call me back and if I don't pick up, leave a message 'cause that means I'm still at work. I never heard from him all night until the next afternoon (today). I told him I was irritated that he didn't call me back last night and he got angry and short w/ me, saying that I should've just bit my tongue about it. But what irritates me is that when I ask him to call me back (after an argument), he will say that he will try to fix it. But today when we argued, he was saying how he thinks I get angry at him not calling me back because I want some "control over him". And this angered me, because if he felt this way I feel like he should've told me this from the get-go. How am I supposed to know he feels this way when he's never told me? I feel like I shouldn't even have to ASK my boyfriend to call me back... it seems so ridiculous. He thinks it's ridiculous that people expect to be called back all the time, and I agree for the most part, except that I'm his girlfriend of almost 2 years and I feel like it should be a given that he return my calls...

 

I want to know if you guys think this is not a big deal or if you would be upset too.

 

I tried to get out both of me and my boyfriend's opinions on this. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and thanks in advance.

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ok, I do think it's annoying when people do that but some people don't like to talk on the phone.Does he not pick up his phone when his family or friends call? Because it would bother me if he picks up for them and not you. My boyfriend doesn't like it so he usually text's me. It used to bother me too but I realized that as long as they try to keep contact with you in some form, that's what should matter. .

 

You can always give him a taste of his own medicine; wait till he calls you and then don't call back.

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He sometimes doesn't pick up when his family calls, but he almost always calls them back whenever it's convenient for him. I am not angry that he doesn't pick up, because I'm sure I call at inconvenient times, but it's just irritating that he won't call me back AT ALL. I do agree that as long as you're in touch in one way or another, it should be all right... but I feel angry because he's told me that he'll try to call me back more and then now, months later, he's getting pissed because I expected him to call me back? I don't even know... but thank you for the reply.

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This would irritate me too. It's just disrespectful. To anyone, let alone your girlfriend. I know I let the occasional phone call slide, but I try not to make it a habit and I definitely would never do that with a significant other.

 

Maybe you need to phrase your feelings toward him better. It sounds like he feels like he's being attacked. It might help if instead of pointing out that he's messing up, explain to him how his actions make you feel.

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I do agree w/ your comment Daligal... because he asked me he's getting pissy because he feels like I have a bad attitude about it (when approaching him). I know this is reasonable, but then again, I feel like, "What do you expect? I told you not to do this soooo many times." You know? But I do know I could've been a little nicer about it, probably.

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I think you should stop telling him because he knows how you feel. It's time to just be unavailable for a while until he gets the hint.

 

yeah, that's what i think as well.

 

i think the first day without a call, he'll be relieved. 2nd day, he'll be like, 'haven't heard from her, oh well.' 3rd day, he'll start to wonder where you are and who you are with. 4th day, he'll be calling you a dozen times a day!

 

he'll learn the lesson.

 

and you know, if he doesn't, do you really want to date a guy who doesn't want to call you?

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Has he always been this way, or is this something that started somewhere along the line in your relationship? If he's always been that way it's probably something you'll have to accept about him (although I'm on your side, it's very disrespectful and it would piss me off like none other). But if it's more recent, I would agree with annie that maybe you've done something to get on his nerves.

 

Here's my real 2 cents though: even if that's just how he "is," in relationships you make compromises to make your SO happy. If he can't tweak his ways in such a SMALL manner (I mean, how hard is it to call you back? You're his girlfriend, not his nagging mother-in-law or something), then it shows a lot about his character as a boyfriend and what he's willing to do to make his relationship work. So I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

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I called him last night leaving him a message to call me back and if I don't pick up, leave a message 'cause that means I'm still at work. I never heard from him all night until the next afternoon (today). I told him I was irritated that he didn't call me back last night

He did call back - just not when you told him to. And perhaps the 'told him to' is the key to why he is behaving like this.
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He did call back - just not when you told him to. And perhaps the 'told him to' is the key to why he is behaving like this.

 

yes, it's reminiscent of having to call your parole officer.

 

it's one thing if it's a true emergency, but i'm one of those people who calls others back when it's convienient for me.

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If he's always been that way it's probably something you'll have to accept about him

 

in relationships you make compromises to make your SO happy. If he can't tweak his ways in such a SMALL manner (I mean, how hard is it to call you back? You're his girlfriend, not his nagging mother-in-law or something), then it shows a lot about his character as a boyfriend and what he's willing to do to make his relationship work. So I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

 

I think telling him to call you isn't quite the way to go about this but if this is a habit of his, then its a bad habit and it's something you guys should compromise. I don't always pick up but I at least always call them back later in the day. If he doesn't even do this, then you should let him know that it hurts you. If he can't compromise no this, then this does show a lot about his character. You're not some friend he can go days without talking to, you're his GIRLFRIEND.

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He did call back - just not when you told him to. And perhaps the 'told him to' is the key to why he is behaving like this.

 

 

It's different if you're not calling because you're being 'told' to 'call', but usually in most relationships, you call your boyfriend or girlfriend back when you see they've called. If my boyfriend calls me when I'm at the hospital, obviously I call him on my lunch break. When my boyfriend calls me and I'm in the shower, I wait till I finish blow drying my hair to call him unless it's an immediate emergency to call him right away. But to leave it until the next day, to call him the next day... in the afternoon, it's a bit rude. If you don't like calling people back and touching base with someone during the day to see how they're doing, find someone who doesn't need to talk to you all the time.

 

It does make sense to me with what he's saying. He feels like you're controlling him, so he's trying to regain control of the situation back by not even calling you till the next day. But seriously - that's pretty childish.

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Consider this: when you call or text someone you choose to do it at a time that's convenient to you. Why should the person you contact not be able to return the call or message at a a time convenient for them? Why does it have to be on your schedule? And why is the time that is considered to be reasonable also have to be set by you?

 

People are so caught up in instant communication that they don't stop to consider that the person they are messaging may have other things to do, other things on their mind and have a right to their own response time. It's pretty demanding to expect someone to call back when you think they ought to.

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^^^^

 

yes, exactly. back in the day, people used to wait for a letter. or something. until you had plans. even if i just got out of the shower and have dried my hair or whatnot, sometimes, i just don't *feel* like calling someone. i know myself and i know sometimes i'm in a bad mood and just don't want to talk on the phone. especially if the other person doesn't have anything really to say. i sometimes just want to have some peace and quiet away from everyone! and focus on whatever it is i'm doing. i mean, it's kind of insane how things have gotten.

 

i remember one time seeing 3 girls all eating lunch together, all on their respective cell phones. i mean, how insane is it that the three of them all got together so they could have lunch, only to call other people?

 

i know what you mean, you are in a relationship, communication is important, but i think privacy is good too. this is why I don't IM, really hate it in fact. If i'm on the computer working, or trying to write an email to my boss, or even just trying to type out a response on Enotalone, i really don't want to be bothered by a pop up window every 40 seconds.

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yeah, that's what i think as well.

 

i think the first day without a call, he'll be relieved. 2nd day, he'll be like, 'haven't heard from her, oh well.' 3rd day, he'll start to wonder where you are and who you are with. 4th day, he'll be calling you a dozen times a day!

 

he'll learn the lesson.

 

and you know, if he doesn't, do you really want to date a guy who doesn't want to call you?

 

This is sooooo true Annie. Then he is asking why i am so quiet or why i havent text him in such and such amount of days. Im thinking: "Why is this all on me? is HIS hand broke"?? i dont expect him to initiate 100% of the time, but when i notice its not equal, i back off and he usually gets the hint! uggg

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Consider this: when you call or text someone you choose to do it at a time that's convenient to you. Why should the person you contact not be able to return the call or message at a a time convenient for them? Why does it have to be on your schedule? And why is the time that is considered to be reasonable also have to be set by you?

 

People are so caught up in instant communication that they don't stop to consider that the person they are messaging may have other things to do, other things on their mind and have a right to their own response time. It's pretty demanding to expect someone to call back when you think they ought to.

 

You raise a good point. People could be busy and unable to return the call or message, so it can't be helped if replies are late. But it's common courtesy to return it at some point, at least for people who are close to you - a few hours later, at the end of the day. I think her point was that she doesn't get anything back.

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You raise a good point. People could be busy and unable to return the call or message, so it can't be helped if replies are late. But it's common courtesy to return it at some point, at least for people who are close to you - a few hours later, at the end of the day. I think her point was that she doesn't get anything back.
He got back to her the following afternoon.
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