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Thread: He told everyone he intends to marry me...

  1. #1
    Platinum Member WomanWriter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    New York

    He told everyone he intends to marry me...

    I am just sharing but comments are welcome.

    My boyfriend told me today that he intends on marrying me as soon as we are financially stable. In fact, he told me that if he had the money today, he would go down and get a marriage license application right now. He has been married before, but says he has absolutely no doubts about me and no commitment fear like he once did. Says I'm the only woman he's ever felt 100 percent sure of and that he prayed to God for me and I am the perfect person for him.

    Anyway, this has put a lot of pressure on me. I love him, but we've only been together for 2 months! And only known each other about 4-5 months TOTAL!
    I told him I have too many reservations right now and he said he intends on working on every single reservation I have. He REALLY has been trying to be PERFECT for me, but I think eventually he will get burned out trying!

    I told him that I need him to be responsible and he has this laundry list of all the things he's going to do. His family and friends tell me that he is crazy motivated to marry me and has been changing his diet, cleaning up, getting tutored and EVERYTHING just because he is so inspired by me!

    This is very flattering, but I told him that I want him to make these positive changes for HIMSELF, not just for me. He assured me that I am just the catalyst and muse. Still, that is a lot of pressure!

    He went so far as to tell the elders in the church, his friends and family, and OUR PASTOR that he plans to marry me in our church.

    The thing is, I'm not sure. I was in love with someone else (my ex fiancee) for over 7 years and I was positive that I wanted to marry him. But I don't feel that same way about my current boyfriend. Don't get me wrong though. I might get to that point, but we've only been together for 2 months! I care about him but don't know him well enough at this point to make that kinda commitment. I told him I'm open to growing together but can't make any promises.

    He's so gung ho though. He's even watching relationship videos! He also keeps crying and telling me he will do anything for me. I asked him if that was really healthy and he said yes. I asked if he would still love me if we weren't together and he said yes, but he would be very sad. I see stars in his eyes.
    It makes me sad because I want to feel the same way, but don't just yet.

    I could see myself being happy with him if he makes those changes. I really could. I could see having a family together. I enjoy him and feel comfortable with him and he's cute. He's not my ex, but I guess no one will ever be and I just have to deal with that first before I can think about someone else.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Somewhere over the rainbow
    You need to sit him down and tell him some cold hard facts.

    While he's being romantic and flattering, you've known each other for 2 months.

    He needs to stop telling everyone that he's going to marry you. You haven't said yes, and he has no business pushing up a big stir when you aren't even comfortable with discussing it.

    He sounds exhausting. And he's trying way too hard.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    the land by the sea
    Just be careful. It seems like he is trying to make you into his "deity" which is not always a good thing. It is good to be loved and to share in that love vice versa, but being worshipped is not always a good thing.

    Keep your eyes and ears open.

    I do hope it all works out in the end.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    This is a big red flag, the pushing you so hard to get married. If it really is the right partnership for you both, you will have your whole lives to be married, so why the big rush to get married now? It's been two months, not two years.

    Sometimes guys that push hard and come on too strong in the beginning turn on a dime and just as fast lose interest once they feel they have really "won over" the woman and gotten a pledge of commitment from her or sense they have finally captured her heart. Not saying he is one of those dudes, because I don't know him, but be careful is all. And make him take it at your pace, not his. Two months! Sheesh.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Ellie2006's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Well, I've seen people who have gone on to have good marriages although they got married the day after they met! They have their ups-and-downs like everyone else but the marriage seems to work.

    BUT but but ... the important thing is that they were both on the same page.
    Neither were all that romantic. Both wanted to be married. Both thought the other one would make a good "partner."

    I think you have the right mindset -- if you dont feel ready, you aren't ready. And you shouldn't allow him to flatter you into a marriage OR romance you into one either.

    And anyways, it's NOT like he's proposed yet. So what is his realistic timeline for when he'll be financially stable and when he'll propose? Maybe you wont have to worry about this until he actually pops the question.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Buffalo, NY
    It might take you some time to come to terms with this, but the cold hard fact is that your bf is not the one for you and the two of you will break up. The simple reason for this is that he is not "man" enough for you ie. is too soft.

    You're still not over your ex and if you're in a new relationship and still haven't gotten over him in the time that you've been with your new bf, it would take him all of a sudden acting "strong" in sticking up for himself for your feelings for him to change. Unfortunately the chances of this happening are astronomically strong.

  7. #7
    Silver Member spearntime's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Sunny California (by the beach)
    sorry, but this sounds really emotionally needy and unstable to me.

  8. #8
    Forum Supporter Victoria66's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    A fellow I was not even dating, but only hung out with as a group of friends, years ago before I met my husband introduced me to his parents by saying, " Mom and Dad, this is the girl I want and I am determined to marry her" I was never so mortified in all my life. I never thought of him that way, ever. I had not even been on a date with him. Later even still without going on a date with me ,ever, he asked me to marry him. Of course I said, no. I barely knew him and he just SCREAMED emotional insecurity. I later found out he was utterly devistated from my gf because he cried on her shoulder for some 3 hours. He was however not THAT devistated because six months later he married another girl (they divorced within 2 years and he contacted me again but I was already engaged by then)

    I guess what I am saying is.....take your time. Get to know each other. Tell him to calm down some.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    have you told him you aren't ready? is there a specific amount of time dating that you would feel comfortable getting married? let's say, 2 years from now or something?

    granted, he has aspects about his personality you aren't crazy about and would want those "fixed" before you would marry him.

    i would tell him to back off. you are still in the 'getting to know you' stage. not the 'planning the wedding stage.' if he tells you that he is 100% in love with you, he is delusional. not because you aren't great, but after 2 months, he's in love with being in love with you. you two just don't know each other well enough to yet say for sure.

  10. #10
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    I'm going to read the first post, I swear, but I'm making an initial reply right now to say IT'S TOO SOON for him to be saying stuff like this with the problems you two have had.

    Also, I remember saying before that you might be seen as a conquest by him. Think that might be the case with the marriage thing much like it might have been when he was heavily pursuing you sexually before you turned him down there?
    Last edited by Taikero; 03-17-2010 at 06:33 PM.


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