He's not sure and not ready for marriage - stay or leave?

I'm trying to make the best decision for me and my partner (we've been together for 2 years with periods off/on during) and looking for everyone's advice and opinion. I believe I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and am ready to take the next step. My partner, however, says he loves me very much and can possibly see a future with me...but he would like more time to think about "us" to be sure. He is also "not ready for marriage" as yet. I would love to stay with my partner but am afraid that things will not eventuate. This fear is made worse by the fact that I'm 30 and need to think seriously about how I spend my time in looking for a partner.

Am I being too hasty if I end things with him now (so I can focus on looking for men who are similarly looking for marriage/commitment)? Or should I wait it out in the hope that he will become "sure" and "ready for marriage" at some point in the near future (ie end of 2010)?

We are in the same shoes dear. Exactly the same, two years too.

I broke up with mine and am really trying to move on.

he seems to be okay with the breakup

Think about it carefully and make the best decision for yourself. If i was already thirty i wouldnt stay back, but i guess you know your man well and know what you want.

You have been together two years but it has been on/off. Why has it been on/off..was he the one who always turned things off? If so then it is not surprising that he is not ready to commit to marriage because he was not completely committed to the relationship. Perhaps now is the time to end things. If he realizes after he loses you that he wants to get married to you after all, then he will be back. If he doesn't come back then you know that you would have wasted more time had you stayed with him for another year.

I understand what you are going through. Having turned 29 this past august and turning 30 soon has triggered a lot of feelings inside me. I never thought I'd say this but I'm extremely disappointed that the way I see it I wont be married or have kids probably by 35-40 or maybe ever and this saddens me.

If your boyfriend does not want to commit, have you spoken to him why exactly he doesn't want to?

Needing to think about the relationship is just not a good enough answer. He either wants to be with you or doesn't.

If he doesn't want to, well my dear you just have to move on from this commitment phoebe and wait until you fall in love with someone who isn't afraid.

I don't think you should rush anything or set a limit for end of this year. Thing's that are rushed usually don't end well unless it's a pace both parties are happy with.

It's better to end the relationship with this guy and move on rather than forcing him into marriage and then ending up divorced five years later. Which would happen.

When you force someone to do something they don't want to, it usually doesn't work out.

When my ex and I would talk about the future children all that jazz it felt great at the time, now that I think about it. I feel it was a bit rushed, I feel he only wanted it because he was 30 and wanted to be settled in some way, yet in many other ways wanted adventure and to explore other people and whatever else. I on the other hand truly wanted commitment.

He's getting what he wants - time to figure things out. Why not separate during that time so that YOU can also figure out what YOU want??

I honestly think if I were in your position, I would move on.

He's getting what he wants - time to figure things out. Why not separate during that time so that YOU can also figure out what YOU want??

 

I honestly think if I were in your position, I would move on.

Agree with this ^^^^^^.

Just saying 'not ready yet' really doesn't answer anything.

He needs to specify WHY he isn't ready yet, and then you need to negotiate how you get to 'ready', with specific goals in mind.

Is he not ready because you have problems? What are the problems, and what can you both do to resolve them and work on them.

I wouldn't stay unless he gave you specific problems he feels need to be worked out in order to get to 'ready' and then he shows effort to work on them. Then set a timeline to re-assess whether he is ready if you've resolved those problems/issues.

The only time I would advise 'passive' waiting would be if the couple is really young, and the issue is they have other goals they need to accomplish before marrying (ie., finishing school, getting a good job etc.). But when you're an adult as you are, those nebulous 'not ready' feelings need to be addressed head on to get to the heart of the reason why he's not ready. You either need to resolve the issues that make him feel that way, or he needs to fess up this is just a stall and he doesn't really want to get married, or thinks it might not be to you.

Many people are happy going for years (or forever) without marrying, so you need to really put his feet to the fire and get a reason why he's not sure, and work on those things or determine he doesn't want to marry you or doesn't want to marry.

I have to ask this. OP, taken on its own merits, are you happy with your relationship today?

For my case, it was kinda a grass is greener issue. He doesnt want to get trapped and later realise he would have 'done better' (even though he tried to sugar coat it when explaining to me)

I think the on again/off again thing definitely needs to be looked at. What are the underlying issues?

>>He doesnt want to get trapped and later realise he would have 'done better' (even though he tried to sugar coat it when explaining to me)

So what, is he looking for others while he's still with you? That's the only way i know of that someone can find out if he could 'do better'...

and frankly whenever anyone starts talking this way, about you might not be good enough for them, then they are incredibly self centered or else really don't feel what they should feel for you, and are just stalling til they really do spy someone who really attracts them, then you're history.

if he's in the 'maybe i could do better' mode, then you should be in the 'maybe i could do better too, so i'm outta here and looking for that someone better.' It is not all his option (i.e, he gets to take up your time while he shops around). If he really wants to shop around, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him wasting your time. When he gets serious about you, he can call you and MAYBE you'll still be available, but not until then.

I have to ask this. OP, taken on its own merits, are you happy with your relationship today?

Well I can't say that I enjoy being with a person who is unsure of whether he wants to take this relationship seriously or not. it makes me feel like he's still thinking that maybe he can do better. So i guess in this context, my answer is no i'm not happy with the relationship atm.

I'm in the same boat, 30 and been in the relationship for 2 years. I thought this was the man I was going to end up with then at the 11th hour before I was due to move in he put the breaks on and wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore. We broke up for a short period before he was back saying he didn't want to be without me. Since then though we are still not really moving forward and I think he is still scared to do so, yet as much as I love him, I'm finding it harder to love him freely for fear that I may get hurt. The situation has taken the shine off the relationship and it therefore becomes a viscious circle - i.e. I'd be less insecure if I felt he loved me back etc...

It's a tough call, do you sit it out, hoping that it's just the fear standing in the way or do you make the break and lose someone you love? I can't help but thinking it's our age and maybe the level of expectation we have in relationships. At this age we've usually come to learn what we want from a relationship and are less willing to compromise on those values. I'm one for believing that people give up too easily and relationships rarely get worked on through the hard parts. But on the flip of the coin, I'm also aware that we can't change these men, they have to want to change for themselves and the more loving and perfect we become to try to reel them back in, often this has the opposite effect and makes them more fearful that they can't live up to what we want them to be.

I'm personally trying not to worry as much and just go with it for now but I understand how frustrating it is not knowing what to do. xx

@lost my keys....same story here. we were two years, we were supposed to go see his folks and looking for a house together. its been almost two months now, and he hasnt come back though, lol. and its 25 days NC. like you said its frustrating, because we actually can not change them . i wish i had learnt earlier when i heard my ex left his ex for the same reason.......

Wish you the best dear. Feel free to PM me if u wanna talk

Wow, you just described how I felt in my last relationship. He ended up breaking up with me because he couldn't give me that love that I wanted.

It has been hard for me to give up on the relationship because I, like you, tend to fight for the one I love and I also believe that people give up too easily. But I just can't do all the work and I don't want to do all the work.

In the future, I think I will handle this better because I will not get so emotionally invested before he moves it forward and I will keep my cool.

This relationship was the first time that I had been in love or felt that in eight years or more. So I was out of practice and I wasn't sure what I wanted when we first started dating which I also think was a mistake on my part.

Boy am I feeling you ladied tonight. Don't compromise those values though or the end up not respecting you. I believe that.

Yeah you are right, sometimes you do have to take a stand or they will never fully respect you. I asked my guy if he'd ever marry me; he said he doesn't know. If that's not a red flag I don't know what is. So now I know what I need to do in order to protect my own heart but actually doing it is another thing because how do you walk away from someone you love so much? I wish I knew how to fix it but I'm coming to realise I can't do all the loving and all the compromising for the both of us and I have to heed my intuition and hope that I find someone more compatible who wants what I want.

It's actually very sad because these men are throwing away good relationships because they let their fear get the better of them- always wondering if there is something better due to come their way so can't settle just in case. I doubt he will realise what he has with me until he meets someone to compare me to.

Exactly. The thing is we often think we can't do without them, or that if we stay back they may change....but most times its not the case.

I thought I wouldn't be able to live without this man, but the past one month proved am fine without him!

U can join us in the eight week challenge at the breakup forum.

Exactly. The thing is we often think we can't do without them, or that if we stay back they may change....but most times its not the case.

 

I thought I wouldn't be able to live without this man, but the past one month proved am fine without him!

 

U can join us in the eight week challenge at the breakup forum.

Thanks, I will take a peek!!

Thank you to everyone who replied. Thought I'd update on what happened.

So I decided to leave the relationship n he ended up dating someone else. He then came back saying he realized he wanted to be with me and that if we got back together, it'd be for real - for marriage. So we re-united n I started looking at houses (with his encouragement) n started looking at rings together. Then about a month ago, he admitted to feeling confused about whether he wants marriage, whether he wants to marry me or not. He was unhappy with our relationship n talked about all the 'bad things' i had done. He said he was depressed n that everytime he thought about marriage, he developed symptoms of anxiety. So he asked for time to sort himself out n that if he came back, it would be with an engagement ring.

As you can imagine, I was totally over this situation so I left the relationship again! And this time, I don't think I'm going back even with an engagement ring. I feel he's betrayed my trust n going back will be risking getting heartbroken again when the next crisis come up. So I'm moving on...wish me luck!

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but he has a very clear pattern of only really wanting you when he doesn't have you, then once he has you, he starts looking around for someone better or feels trapped. This is his own dysfunction and you can't fix it, but you certainly don't want to keep repeating this again and again.

So you are doing the right thing moving on. You want someone who is totally loyal to you and who is so happy with you that he doesn't even think about risking losing you by going on all these 'breaks' whenever he's in the mood to do a runner.

Someone like him may just not be cut out for a long term steady relationship... some people just aren't, and best to not get involved with someone who does this kind of thing.

Ok I'm having problems keeping the boundaries with my ex. I'm trying to be friends still and last night, I said I would call him if I was interested in watching a movie. He didn't message me all day and I had by this stage agree to dinner with some friends. He calls me after dinner, whilst I was hanging out at my friends place and says how I never called about the movie. I said I was going later in the week, that I was with friends so couldn't talk n had to go. He sounded really upset n later messaged me about how he'd set aside the night for me and wasn't going to do this again for me. I can understand that he's upset but I never promised to hang out with him!! Please help me talk some sense into him

I thought he wanted to sort out (by himself) what it is what he wants, and he would only be back in your life with an engagement ring and ready to pick a date.

If you want to make it work with this guy, you need to be really consistent, i.e. unless he has that ring - do not engage in any kind of communication with him. You hanging out with him without having clearly made the decision for marriage is only going to reinforce that you will keep hanging around regardless of the commitment or not.

Many guys who are/were afraid of commitment don't have a problem once they meet a woman who really demands the necessary respect and decision from them.

Another discussion with my ex has revealed more...he said that he loves me but not enough to be convinced to marry me. Its a good thing I left! Thank you all for your advice and support. Finally have closure on this subject now.

Yeah, if he was sure about it, he wouldn't have wasted so much time.

I'm a firm believer in that when you're sure and confident that someone is right for you, you don't need more time. You don't want to marry a guy who is wishy-washy about you.

Wish you all the best in finding someone who will make you much happier

When I read your post, it was like I wrote it (I am in my 30's too). My ex said exactly what your boyfriend said, that he loves me, but he is not ready and he is not sure. If your boyfriend is in his 30's and after 2 years he is still not sure and does not have a legitimate reason why he is not ready (like finish school, is financially unstable etc...) , I am afraid that he is a committment phobe. Search deep your feelings and watch his actions (not his words) and you will know the truth.