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Thread: He's not sure and not ready for marriage - stay or leave?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    >>He doesnt want to get trapped and later realise he would have 'done better' (even though he tried to sugar coat it when explaining to me)

    So what, is he looking for others while he's still with you? That's the only way i know of that someone can find out if he could 'do better'...

    and frankly whenever anyone starts talking this way, about you might not be good enough for them, then they are incredibly self centered or else really don't feel what they should feel for you, and are just stalling til they really do spy someone who really attracts them, then you're history.

    if he's in the 'maybe i could do better' mode, then you should be in the 'maybe i could do better too, so i'm outta here and looking for that someone better.' It is not all his option (i.e, he gets to take up your time while he shops around). If he really wants to shop around, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him wasting your time. When he gets serious about you, he can call you and MAYBE you'll still be available, but not until then.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by hexaemeron
    I have to ask this. OP, taken on its own merits, are you happy with your relationship today?
    Well I can't say that I enjoy being with a person who is unsure of whether he wants to take this relationship seriously or not. it makes me feel like he's still thinking that maybe he can do better. So i guess in this context, my answer is no i'm not happy with the relationship atm.

  3. 03-12-2010, 11:54 PM
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  4. #13
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    I'm in the same boat, 30 and been in the relationship for 2 years. I thought this was the man I was going to end up with then at the 11th hour before I was due to move in he put the breaks on and wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore. We broke up for a short period before he was back saying he didn't want to be without me. Since then though we are still not really moving forward and I think he is still scared to do so, yet as much as I love him, I'm finding it harder to love him freely for fear that I may get hurt. The situation has taken the shine off the relationship and it therefore becomes a viscious circle - i.e. I'd be less insecure if I felt he loved me back etc...

    It's a tough call, do you sit it out, hoping that it's just the fear standing in the way or do you make the break and lose someone you love? I can't help but thinking it's our age and maybe the level of expectation we have in relationships. At this age we've usually come to learn what we want from a relationship and are less willing to compromise on those values. I'm one for believing that people give up too easily and relationships rarely get worked on through the hard parts. But on the flip of the coin, I'm also aware that we can't change these men, they have to want to change for themselves and the more loving and perfect we become to try to reel them back in, often this has the opposite effect and makes them more fearful that they can't live up to what we want them to be.

    I'm personally trying not to worry as much and just go with it for now but I understand how frustrating it is not knowing what to do. xx

  5. #14
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    @lost my keys....same story here. we were two years, we were supposed to go see his folks and looking for a house together. its been almost two months now, and he hasnt come back though, lol. and its 25 days NC. like you said its frustrating, because we actually can not change them . i wish i had learnt earlier when i heard my ex left his ex for the same reason.......

    Wish you the best dear. Feel free to PM me if u wanna talk

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  7. #15
    Platinum Member uncomfynumb's Avatar
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    Wow, you just described how I felt in my last relationship. He ended up breaking up with me because he couldn't give me that love that I wanted.

    It has been hard for me to give up on the relationship because I, like you, tend to fight for the one I love and I also believe that people give up too easily. But I just can't do all the work and I don't want to do all the work.

    In the future, I think I will handle this better because I will not get so emotionally invested before he moves it forward and I will keep my cool.

    This relationship was the first time that I had been in love or felt that in eight years or more. So I was out of practice and I wasn't sure what I wanted when we first started dating which I also think was a mistake on my part.

    Boy am I feeling you ladied tonight. Don't compromise those values though or the end up not respecting you. I believe that.

  8. #16
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    Yeah you are right, sometimes you do have to take a stand or they will never fully respect you. I asked my guy if he'd ever marry me; he said he doesn't know. If that's not a red flag I don't know what is. So now I know what I need to do in order to protect my own heart but actually doing it is another thing because how do you walk away from someone you love so much? I wish I knew how to fix it but I'm coming to realise I can't do all the loving and all the compromising for the both of us and I have to heed my intuition and hope that I find someone more compatible who wants what I want.

    It's actually very sad because these men are throwing away good relationships because they let their fear get the better of them- always wondering if there is something better due to come their way so can't settle just in case. I doubt he will realise what he has with me until he meets someone to compare me to.
    Last edited by lost my keys; 04-14-2010 at 08:11 PM.

  9. #17
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    Exactly. The thing is we often think we can't do without them, or that if we stay back they may change....but most times its not the case.

    I thought I wouldn't be able to live without this man, but the past one month proved am fine without him!

    U can join us in the eight week challenge at the breakup forum.

  10. #18
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    Originally Posted by jaygirl
    Exactly. The thing is we often think we can't do without them, or that if we stay back they may change....but most times its not the case.

    I thought I wouldn't be able to live without this man, but the past one month proved am fine without him!

    U can join us in the eight week challenge at the breakup forum.
    Thanks, I will take a peek!!

  11. #19
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    Thank you to everyone who replied. Thought I'd update on what happened.

    So I decided to leave the relationship n he ended up dating someone else. He then came back saying he realized he wanted to be with me and that if we got back together, it'd be for real - for marriage. So we re-united n I started looking at houses (with his encouragement) n started looking at rings together. Then about a month ago, he admitted to feeling confused about whether he wants marriage, whether he wants to marry me or not. He was unhappy with our relationship n talked about all the 'bad things' i had done. He said he was depressed n that everytime he thought about marriage, he developed symptoms of anxiety. So he asked for time to sort himself out n that if he came back, it would be with an engagement ring.

    As you can imagine, I was totally over this situation so I left the relationship again! And this time, I don't think I'm going back even with an engagement ring. I feel he's betrayed my trust n going back will be risking getting heartbroken again when the next crisis come up. So I'm moving on...wish me luck!

  12. #20
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    I'm sorry it didn't work out, but he has a very clear pattern of only really wanting you when he doesn't have you, then once he has you, he starts looking around for someone better or feels trapped. This is his own dysfunction and you can't fix it, but you certainly don't want to keep repeating this again and again.

    So you are doing the right thing moving on. You want someone who is totally loyal to you and who is so happy with you that he doesn't even think about risking losing you by going on all these 'breaks' whenever he's in the mood to do a runner.

    Someone like him may just not be cut out for a long term steady relationship... some people just aren't, and best to not get involved with someone who does this kind of thing.

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