Coversation after Break up-im left confused

he dumped me the day before valentines day (fighting too much, we were pushing eachother away)

Said we could date and try to start over.(Dating eachother, spending time together without constant arguing)

Asked for some space and we can go out on the weekend... I didn't give him space, I felt more insecure than ever, and kept calling him and texting him, asking if he made up his mind..ect..

Said the week later he didn't want to, changed his mind, only saw me as a friend.

I texted him Tuesday- at first the convo was okay.. just general talk.

Then, I said it... I said I missed him.. he ignored me for hours. I texted him and said your not going to change your mind are you..

He said...probably not.

well, yesterday morning I asked him to call me.

so he did.

I told him all the things I think went wrong, and how we grew apart because of my insecurities, and his inability to be patient and thinking things had to be perfect all of the time.

I told him that I didn't realize how petty arguments could push two people apart so much, and how I took for granted he wouldn't ever leave me.

I told him on my end I am going to therapy, and am hoping that he can see that I am taking the responsible steps to work on my insecure nature.. which in my opinion will ruin any relationship I have

He said that He agrees on the fact that the arguing make him feel the spark between us was gone.. he said that he felt very smothered after we broke up and it pushed him away even further (yes i did go a little fatal attraction on him and constatly called and texted him.. i didn't give him any type of space that he was requesting) which is why he said he didn't want to date, and because I kept asking why he just said he only cared for me as a friend because he was so angry and fed up.... (no excuse i kknow)

He asked if he could have a couple days to a week to get his thoughts together without feeling the pressure of me constantly trying to get in contact with him. He said that he thinks going to dinner would be nice to see if in fact there is spark there... Since we both agreed sparks left after we started not getting along, and my insecurities were getting the better of me.

I think that it would be great if we could work it out.. but even if not I know we both tried.. instead of him just bailing like he did.

Its really hard for me not to contact him, im worried he isn't going to call... and if he does he is going to say that nothing can change his mind the damage is done.

thoughts?

The good news is that the problem is really clear and you both have identified it... your insecurity and the bickering.

So you need to really work on the insecurity, not just say you are going to work on it. That means accepting that you're an adult, and you shouldn't react to him being away from you like a baby would react when its mother leaves the room, grasping, texting, crying etc. When you start to feel that way, picture a baby in your mind, then have a mantra that goes, 'i am not a baby, and i will survive if i don't communicate with him for a few days or weeks'. Because the truth is you can and will survive, and those 'grasping' feelings are not valid and should not be indulged, any more than a parent would indulge a screaming fit from a baby. So you need to rewrite the script in your head to say it is GOOD that you are both adults who can be apart and survive, rather than seeing any separation as bad or dangerous.

And you also need to work on the idea that what will happen will happen, and your anxiety about the outcome does absolutely nothing for you, won't change the outcome, and all it does it make you feel horrible and also drives him away. So whenever you start dwelling on what *might* happen, just tell yourself STOP and break that thought and don't indulge in it. Anxiety feeds on itself, and you need to snuff it out whenever it starts.

Work on centering yourself inside yourself, rather than centering yourself and your happiness in him. When you start to feel anxious, get up and do something else to distract yourself, and practice thought stopping (google it) to help gain control of your thoughts.

First, take a deep breath.

Second, the uncertainty is definitely very unnerving, to the point of torturous. You are being very insecure here. But it's great that you realize that and willing to work on it.

I actually think your situation is pretty good in that your bf is willing to take a few days to think about it and even suggested dinner to meet up and talk. Did he suggest a concrete time and place? If so, then I recommend not contacting him at all during this time and really talk to some friends, counselors, or inner reflection to figure out why you are feeling so insecure (is it something he's doing? a past fear? etc). If he didn't, then I would just send a short email saying you want to work it out and respect his space, and then suggest a concrete time/place to meet and tell him you won't contact him during this time. This will show him how mature and respectful of his wishes you are.

I know this is much easier said than done because I've definitely done my share of insecure things and in my case, it pushed him far away.

Good luck!!!

What were you guys arguing about?

He didn't state a place and or time, which is why I am nervous... I had picked up my vehicle today and texted him to tell him I finally got my car back.. idk why. he clearly said he wanted time to think.. he never replied so I will leave it go.. again nervous.

I argued with him over quite a few things, some examples

when he didn't want to have sex because he just worked 80 hours in one week i would be upset and feel he was not attracted to me, and that for some reason he could possiblybe seeing someone else.

He and i got off the phone one night, and I tried to call hiim right back to tell him something and he wouldn't answer.. so when he called the next day he said his phone was on silent and he didn't hear it.

I would constantly want to talk about our relationship... I was so carefree and happy in the beginning and then felt this overwhelming sense of insecurity and needyness... which apparently he didn't care for.. we almost broke up twice because of this, then finally the third time he said he had enough.

I didn't take the mature step to seek counseling until now.. when I talked to him yesterday i made him aware I realize what I did and I am willing to fix it..

I sound pretty crazy I know.. this is becuase I have been in emotionally frustrating and abusive situations in the past, which he knew about.. but said listen I am not those guys I love you. but apparently I couldn't listen.

ugh.

I really think you need to start respecting what he wants. You're starting to control him and manipulate him with your feelings. You know that you're pushing him away by calling him, so why would you call? The very fact that you're not even trying to do what he says, it's just completely disrespectful. And I'm talking from a position where I was exactly like you.

The break up will not be about one thing, it will not just be about your insecurities, but it will be about every single problem you bring up when in reality, there isn't one. It's a death by a thousand cuts. Being with someone who is extremely insecure, it ends up controlling someone elses' life. I couldn't even go out with my girlfriends without my ex thinking I was chatting up some guy! No way, I'm not willing to compromise on insecurity and someone's jealousy. I say stay single and work on yourself. This relationship can't fix you. It's emotionally draining being smothered, and yeah, I get that maybe you came from a relationship before where it wasn't exactly the best thing, but you can't displace your problems, issues, and irrational insecurities on him. It's pure punishment for nothing.

If things do not work out with him I most definatly will take time to reflect and be alone for a while.

However if after this week of no contact he decides he would like to start something again i am not going to refuse. I am fully aware of the problems I have and am getting professional help.

I hope that I didn't push him so far away that he will not come back. I fell in love with this man and ruined a lot with my insecure nature.

I am not going to contact him. I am going to show him that I respect his wishes.. and can give him space when he needs it.

If things do not work out with him I most definatly will take time to reflect and be alone for a while.

However if after this week of no contact he decides he would like to start something again i am not going to refuse. I am fully aware of the problems I have and am getting professional help.

I hope that I didn't push him so far away that he will not come back. I fell in love with this man and ruined a lot with my insecure nature.

I am not going to contact him. I am going to show him that I respect his wishes.. and can give him space when he needs it.

Good for you!!

Good luck!!

today is going to be hard. I know he asked for space to sort his thoughts, I am so nervous he is going to come back and say even though we know what went wrong...(a lot had to do with me) and I am getting therapy...he will not think that working it out is going to work.

ugh.

I wish hed call me just to say hi... but I guess he wouldn't want to do that since last time he did that all we talked about was the relationship, because thats what I steered the convo to.

ugh this NC thing is painful...

I miss him so much, lavenderdove, I keep re reading your post... Trying to work on me during this time.. trying to make sure I do not go against his wishes and contact him....

although,

next tuesday (which will be 6days) if i dont hear from him I may tell him we can meet at a certain place and time to talk.

idk

i guess we will see when the time comes.

Since he's experienced you as insecure and clingy, I think it would be much better to wait longer than that before contacting him. Show him you can give him space. This action will speak much louder than words about how you can change. Show him some independence.

The more space you give him, the better, and here's why.

If he's already decided it's over, contacting him won't make him want you, when the problem was he felt smothered to begin with.

If he hasn't decided it is over and is not sure, but the problem is the smothering him, then contacting him first when he has asked for space just proves you are still going to smother him.

If enough time passes and he really does care about you, he will start to miss you and want to see you and will call you. Since you haven't contacted him and respected his wishes, you have shown him you are capable of not smothering him, and he will start hoping there is a chance for you together again.

So you have everything to gain by not contacting him (and letting him initiate), and everything to lose by contacting him. So all contacting him will do is continue to feed into your old insecure behavior pattern, which is what you are trying to break. Contacting him (whether that is sending him a text or calling) is like your drug that you seek... that bit of contact is your 'fix', but really, it is like a bad drug because you get a temporary sense of being connected to him via the contact BUT the contact is the thing that is destroying the relationship. So you get a momentary reduction in anxiety, but at the cost of killing the relationship slowly with every insecure contact/argument.

So remind yourself that NOT contacting him is what he wants and will please him right now, and if you want him back, you need to truly and finally break this pattern and address your insecurities with a counselor, not work out negative issues with him as the target of your negative emotions.

You can do it! Anyone can break a habit and it's a bad habit to bicker and cling to someone. My suggestion would be that you set a goal of 30 days, since that is how long it takes to break a habit, and don't contact him during that time, unless he contacts you.

If at the end of 30 days he doesn't contact you, then you might do a quick touch base with him to see if he wants to meet up or not. But you've lasted 30 days and are in the habit of not seeing him by then, so it won't be quite so bad then if he does have a negative answer for you, and if he has a positive one, you're well on your way to being able to stand on your own two feet rather than chase him down all the time.

Please jenmar, listen to what Lavenderdove has posted. She is very grounded and wise. Print it out if you have to and everytime you feel the urge to contact your ex, read it.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck and believe that no matter what happens, you will be fine.

(((hugs))))

You are right, it is like an addiction, I am addicted to texthim him, calling him- this is the whole entire reason he didn't want to go on our date last week.

I can't help but feel worried. All i want is for a second chance.. a real chance.. a chance to show him that I can be the independent woman he met in the beginning... not the insecure clingy one that I turned into the past month and a half.

I explained all of this of course on wed when he said i could call.

I think I should be lucky that he even asked for a couple days to think on what he wants to do.. that shows something.

I need to start thinking on the positive things not focusing and analyzing the negatives.

Lavenderloves advice is helping a lot today- Now I have to get over the sense of feeling worried over the outcome of this, since I am so very hoping it is the positive... that he will want to work things out.. and give me a chance.

Who knows, maybe I will just post feelings on here for a while when I get the urge to contact him.

You also need to face the fact that this might very well not turn out like you want it to and have a plan on how you are going to handle things if it doesn't.

Putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak can be dangerous. You have to look at things realistically as well.

I do hope it works out for you. If you don't hear from him, don't break NC else you will be back to square one. Like LD said, give yourself and him at least 30 days.

hmm....so since he said a week, I shouldn't contact him even if he hasn't contacted me after this said week has passed....

30 days..

oh my...

and I am half preparing myself for the worst. I know its very well possible he has been pushed away too far and may not see that this could work, since ive said numerous times before that I would try to change.

This is the first time I have seeked counseling though.. I hope he sees that as positive.

hmm....so since he said a week, I shouldn't contact him even if he hasn't contacted me after this said week has passed....

30 days..

oh my...

 

and I am half preparing myself for the worst. I know its very well possible he has been pushed away too far and may not see that this could work, since ive said numerous times before that I would try to change.

This is the first time I have seeked counseling though.. I hope he sees that as positive.

You should absolutely NOT contact him for atleast 30 days. If he contacts you, don't jump at his call.

You need to be doing this counseling thing all for you because if you are not, and this doesn't work out, you will be less likely to finish because you may start to feel hopeless.

The purpose of the counseling is to address and resolve your insecurities, abandonment issues, whatever it is that you have going on. If you do not complete your therapy, what is likely to happen is a repeat of this same cycle with another man.

Focus on you and your healing first and foremost. In addition, get some self help books on the subject, ask your therapist for recommendations for you, and pour yourself into it.

This relationship has made me realize that therapy is something that is needed.. I will most definatly continue to see my therapist even if this doesn't work out.

I made mistakes.. i dont want to make the same mistakes again.

Hopefully my mistakes didnt ruin my chances.. but I suppose only time will tell......

Stop worrying and start smiling jenmar. Its all going to be all right, trust me.

Thanks, I certainly am trying my best.

I just miss him-- Ive got to think positive though.

Time will heal and get me through it.. as well as you guys!

well I am going to bed... early yes on a Friday but I work early- I have not contacted him all day. I am proud of myself..

Sad he didn't text or call but that is ok.. he will. I hope.

i miss him...

our five month anivers. would have been sunday.. that might be a rough day we will see

Up early for work- I think my friends are tired of hearing me vent... So I will use this as sort of a diary for myself.. respnoses are welcome..

I got through yesterday- it was the very first day i did not contact him at all. It was hard. I was disappointed at the end of the day because he didn't contact me. but I suppose that is what time to think means...

I work for a little while today, then will try to keep my mind off of things by organzing my closet, doing laundry and of course spending time with my son. He knows I have not been myself lately.

I do miss my ex more than words could describe.. parts of me is feeling really good about this.. because even if he is taking time to think this is like a second chance.. sorta.

other parts are getting ready for the talk that ends in..sorry but i just dont want to do this anymore.

as he had said this to me before.

well off to work.

I just want to text him and say hello... hope you having a nice weekend

is this a no no since he asked for a cpl days to a week to think withough being pressured?

Just wait?

This is so hard.

How about this. There is a web site called link removed go check it out. It has awesome relationship advice. This should keep you busy a while so you feel less tempted to contact your ex.

I think you should find ways to keep busy. That website will be great to keep you busy, and also useful for you to learn some stuff (and for me to learn some stuff... because it seems I don't learn things... if you read my thread you will know what I mean). You can also go play some games lol less useful, but.. will take your mind off of this.

I just want to text him and say hello... hope you having a nice weekend

 

is this a no no since he asked for a cpl days to a week to think withough being pressured?

 

Just wait?

This is so hard.

Yes it is a no no. Go back and re-read this thread!

The more you chase, the faster and further he will run. He already knows you care and want him. Do you feel it necessary to beat it into his brain?

Oh and you might go read adviseseeker's thread while you are at it.

I guess its my insecure nature coming back into play.. worried that he is not even thinking about me. worried that he isn't even going to call..

thinking, wow its been almost three days and no word.. not so much as a hey how ru..

this is so awful and miserable...

I am glad I posted before I did it. I mean i had the text all typed up...

I just miss him.