If you're incurably ill, hold onto the partner or send away?

This question is in response to another thread. If you contracted or was diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating, chronic condition, where you knew you'd be 100% dependent on the other person for everything...

Would you feel justified in accepting that assistance, knowing that the entire nature of the relationship has now irrevocably shifted? Or, would you not want the other person to sacrifice so much for you and send them away to find someone who could be more equal in a relationship?

Depends on my relationship. If it happened in my late twenties, I'd send my partner on their way. They are too young to be bogged down like that by my burden.

If they were 50 or higher, I would do the same for them and I don't feel as if that is that big of a sacrifice since it's only another 20 years or so before things would normally start going anyway.

I would hope that I'd be rich enough to higher a nurse to help rather than completely depend on my partner.

I can't imagine being 100% dependent on someone. Or even remotely dependent on them. I would hope my insurance would pay for a nurse.

I would leave it up to my partner. If he left, I would definatley be hurt, if he stayed I would be incredibly grateful.

Id like to say that "Id understand if he didn't want to stay" or say "Id tell him to leave b/c I wouldn't want to put him through that", which I wouldn't, but we're suppose to be LIFE partners and I would stay for him... no matter how hard. Thats the promise I made.

I can't imagine being 100% dependent on someone. Or even remotely dependent on them. I would hope my insurance would pay for a nurse.

Good point. I wouldn't want to be 100% responsible on any one person. That's just too much for a person to take.

I am 31 years old. When I was 29 and 10 weeks pregnant they found brain cancer in my 30 year old husband. He was/is my best friend, soul mate and lover. His sickness took him down very fasst. Insurance did not cover a nurse to care for him 24/7. He was at home in a hospital bed. He needed 24/7 care of drugs, food through a tube, bathroom, bathed and so on. 100% total care. He he couldn't walk, lost his vision to radiation and didn't eat food, was fed through a tube. One day he said to me that he knows that I love him and he would understand if I left him to go have a normal life. I broke down in tears right there. I could not imagine leaving his side for one moment. When I said til death due us part, I meant til death due us part. I would say let that person make the decision. And if it's something he wasn't going to die so fast from, but just need care for the next 40 years, I still wouldn't leave his side. I usually don't post, and I'm not sure that I helped really, but reading your post just hit me to want to share. If you are ill, I'm sorry and I wish you the best.

I would definitely break up with them if I had a condition like that.

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

Well, it's also a question of what would be better for the person who is ill. The guilt and shame of becoming an invalid would be too much on top of trying to get better (for me, at least.)

I'd send him away because I know he deserves a full life, and I'd send him away because I know I can't give 100% of my energy to getting better if I'm having to take care of him, his guilt and pain as well.

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

I agree. If I did have that kind of an illness - either terminal or lifelong - and I was in love and my partner wanted to stay with me, I would want him to. I would never end the relationship because I felt it would be too much for him - that would have to be his decision.

I know for me, if I was in love, I would not leave the person.

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

Do you not also think there would be strong social pressures for them to stay with you even if they do not want to? I don't think telling them that staying with you is up to them is really giving them an out either, because most people will assume you are just saying that because you are obligated to.

In my opinion, if I was paralyzed from the neck down, I'm not going to be in a relationship with anyone. We cannot do anything really that makes a relationship. If you want to be my friend still, you are more than welcome to, and if you choose not to see anyone else, that is your choice, but I'm ending whatever we had that was more than friends.

I would want my partner to have no guilt. I'm breaking up with them, so it is no choice of theirs.

(Of course if we have been married for 50 years and are 75 years old, that is a bit different.)

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

I agree. But, I wouldn't fight them if they chose to leave. I understand their position.

I'd send him away because I know he deserves a full life, and I'd send him away because I know I can't give 100% of my energy to getting better if I'm having to take care of him, his guilt and pain as well.

How do you know that, for him, being a supportive partner, helping you through your illness and 'being there' for you isn't having a 'full life' in his book?

How do you know that, for him, being a supportive partner, helping you through your illness and 'being there' for you isn't having a 'full life' in his book?

I guess it might be, possibly. But even still, I don't think *I* could handle the guilt of that.

I think you are projecting.

I would leave that to my partner too. It is not for me to decide how they feel.

I think you are projecting.

Probably a little. It would be the ultimate life betrayal if I was rendered dependent on.. well, anyone. I'm the one who takes care of everyone else.

I would be... distinctly uncomfortable with someone sticking around. Like, I'd be obligated to get better, and in a life-threatening condition situation, that's not a promise I could make.

This is a decision to be made by the partner. I think it would presumptuous to assume that you knew what was in their best interests and to make a decision for them.

Exactly what I would do.

We cannot do anything really that makes a relationship.

That is not true for everyone -- maybe for you. But there are couples who find a lot in a relationship with their quadraplegic partner. Quads can have sex, and do. They can give and receive pleasure. They can share the emotional and intellectual dimensions that anyone else can. Will it be compromised in some ways, of course -- but there are practical ways around disabilities, and resources, that people can proactively get.

I think it's perfectly understandable if a partner couldn't handle that. But don't say there is nothing there that makes a relationship. That's highly subjective. Look at the late Dana and Christopher Reeves.

This is definitely a very sensitive and painful subject for me. Because I have a chronic, incurable condition that affects much of my life. You can't see it looking at me, but it makes me dependent in a number of ways. I live alone now, and feel able to care for myself in basic ways, and live an independent life in many ways...but it is not your average life. And this is one reason I can't bring myself to actively seek out a man now and date. I do consider and think of it all the time, and want another relationship (I was with men even when I had this, and we broke up for other reasons)...and all I want to do is hide and run for the hills. The guilt, the feelings of inadequacy compared to others...it's terrible, crippling. And then I see girls in wheelchairs getting married, and think, "This is a state of mind, this guilt and feeling like nothing but a blight on someone -- maybe my attitude is all wrong."

I am actively struggling with this all the time. Some days, I feel like I have everything to give, where it counts in a relationship. Other days, I feel like there are so many women who are just as good as I, but don't have this condition, so why should I "let" anyone who likes/loves me forfeit their life like this?

In the end, I feel that carrying guilt like this is a real problem, it's not necessarily noble. If someone loves me, and wants to be here, why should I not "let" them? I would do that for someone I loved. Why am I so different?

I guess I just don't want to be responsible for someone else's life being compromised or burdened. But that might be, as DN said, projecting. And it comes down to pride, too. Wanting my pride intact, and to be considered equal. But a relationship is give and take, so there could still be ways I am giving and not taking, putting in my share to the relationship.

Hex, if you can post that other thread here, I'd be interested. If not, maybe PM it to me if you can? Thanks.

It is all about not making choices for other people. Let them make their own.

That member's husband didn't take his marriage vows seriously.

That member's husband didn't take his marriage vows seriously.

That's what I meant about "It sounds so nice in the ceremony, but reality is different."

Yes, vows were made, but I guess at least for me, it's an understandable reaction for him to take a step back, considering.

That's what I meant about "It sounds so nice in the ceremony, but reality is different."

 

Yes, vows were made, but I guess at least for me, it's an understandable reaction for him to take a step back, considering.

People though who have no plans to stay in the hard times should not be getting married. It is a lifetime agreement.

It is all about not making choices for other people. Let them make their own.

Thank you for saying this. You've been a help to me on this thread, even though it's not mine (this subject actually is so hard for me, I don't post threads about it -- it's hard to hear about people saying they'd walk, or that they'd tell their partner to walk, as though that's just the decent thing to do.)

And thanks for the link, Hex.

Some part of me does know that it's pretty presumptuous to try to make up someone's mind for them.

I think that part is the truth speaking.