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I was the other woman....I need advice


Annie123

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Please don't judge me......

 

I met a guy at work, he was lovely and i really liked him, previous to this i hadn't been in a relationship for 9yrs. I started to txt him and he replied and the texts got more regular. At the time i was unaware he had a girlfriend this was mainly because he would text all the time really late at night as well and then the texts got more intimate. When i thought i was close to having something special with this guy i thought i should clarify if he was involved with someone. He said he had been seeing a girl for 18months and it was really complicated, there was no sex in their relationship and the girlfriend didn't really keep tabs on him and they didn't see each other that often. I was so besotted by him i suggested if he wanted to have some fun, he said yes and we started a secret relationship. We got on amazingly, we had so much fun and alot of laughs we had a spark in or relationship, however over time there were occassions where i got pushed aside because of the girlfriend and there was a reluctant on his part to go out and do things togther. This eventually started to bother me as he was able to make time for his girlfriend, friends, family and work and i would have to wait for when he could fit me in. Don't get me wrong he was amazing when he was with me and i can't fault him there. Being the other woman also started to bother me so i decided to confront him and say if he was going to be with me then it was just me and if not then he could stay with his girlfriend. cliche...he chose the girlfriend and said he wanted to remain friends.

 

sorry guys i don't want to insult you how can you be intimate with someone and then 4 hours later say i'll always be your friend?, if your intimate and their emotions and feeling how can you be friends?

 

I broke it off with him because i felt my self respect, pride, honour and dignity were at stake here i couldn't carry on being the other woman. i had asked him if he would be with me and he turned me down. i backed away quietly i didn't give him any grief, i didn't play up i didn't blame him i accepted his decision and moved away. what i couldn't understand was how he had chosen a cold complicated relationship over the fun, caring one we had. i'll never understand men clearly there was more to his relationship then what he had said.

 

he asked me to remain friends and i declined because i was emotionally attached and to be honest remaining friends would only build hopes inside me that things would change or leave me open to manipulation. i was deeply upset and miserable, my friends have been amazing and there for me when i needed them. after almost a week and a half of no contact with my ex he made contact as we worked togther i got an email which was work related i had to respond but the text he was using within the email was both professional and personal. i responded purely on a professional basis. i then started to get texts saying 'are you ok hon'? or 'wish things could be normal' i also got a silent phone call and he attempted to come and see me during all this time i maintained my silence. i sent him one final email a week ago askign to be left alone and he said 'i was making a mistake and he would try his best to stay away'. i haven't heard anything from him.

 

I still really like this guy and i miss him because we got on fantastically and he admitted this. he also said he viewed what we had as fun. i disagree with him if it was just fun he should have moved on, instead i had continuous contact from him and his admancy to be friends.

 

 

I have started to get my life back on track and started to move on but miss him dearly and i'm still confused as to what i want to do as he has left the door open for me to go back to him in whatever capacity i like which makes it harder to move on knowing i can walk back into his arms whenever i like.

 

i have too much self respect and pride to do that. can anyone tell me if he will come back to me? if he'll give up the cold complicated relationship? basically what shall i do?

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Did you ever actually see him with his girlfriend and know for fact that their relationship was cold and complicated? Or he told you this and therefore it must be true? He's a liar and a cheater and is manipulating you with his endearing words. You could still have a relationship but only after he has broken off with his girlfriend and spent some time alone to reflect on what he truly wants. Although don't you think that if he did this to her with you that as soon as his relationship with you gets cold an complicated that he will do it to you with someone else?

 

Continue to be strong. You are doing the right thing by walking away from someone who is not deserving of you.

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He is a cheater...plain and simply...he doesn't care about you, nor does he care about his girlfriend. In his mind both of you are simply on this earth to serve his needs. He takes whatever he can get from his gf and then takes whatever he can get from you. He is a taker, but not a giver. He gives just enough to be able to make sure you and his gf will give him what he needs....attention, adoration and whatever other perks he gets from either of you. I am sure he has other women he is stringing along as well so I would walk away from this guy and not look back.

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sex does not equal intimacy. the man is playing you and has already made his choice. he will not 'come back' to you because he's already stated that he wanted to stay in his alleged cold relationship and just be friends with you. he has left the door open for you to remain the other woman. that's all. cheaters are liars through and through. you can't believe a word he says.

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I agree! You did the right thing by walking away. You don't want a guy around that you will have to keep tabs on. Like Kityboo said, If he did this to her, he will do this to you.

 

Also keep in mind. You are never gonna meet someone whom says they have a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband that says our relationship is great..if the person said that, why would you do anything with that particular person? They will always tell you how terrible their relationship is because then you think you have a chance with that person. Honestly if this guys girlfriend found out you can bet he probably told her you did all the persuing and how terrible you are and how he learned his lesson.

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I agree! You did the right thing by walking away. You don't want a guy around that you will have to keep tabs on. Like Kityboo said, If he did this to her, he will do this to you.

 

Also keep in mind. You are never gonna meet someone whom says they have a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband that says our relationship is great..if the person said that, why would you do anything with that particular person? They will always tell you how terrible their relationship is because then you think you have a chance with that person. Honestly if this guys girlfriend found out you can bet he probably told her you did all the persuing and how terrible you are and how he learned his lesson.

 

Yes, and to protect his butt he could also very well have told his friends how he has some nutcase woman chasing after him..this way if you ever showed up looking for him, his circle of friends will see you as "the nutcase woman trying to break up his marriage" and him as the poor victim. So even if you were to get together with him, you would likely have already been painted in a bad light to his friends.

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His relationship with his girlfriend can't be that cold and complicated, since he chose to stay with her. The only part that seems to be complicated, is how he can juggle around you, her and possibly other women at the same time.

 

He's a classic example of a cheater, "it's complicated, there's no sex in the relationship", among other excuses. If that were the case, why is he still with her? I'm sure that he was amazing while he was with you, but he went home to her, and there's your answer.

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Honey, men like this are just not nice, no matter how charming etc. you think them.

 

He used the oldest lines in the book about them not having sex and it being 'complicated' etc. It's not complicated at all, he has a commitment to one woman, and wants to keep one (or more) women on the side for variety when he gets bored with daily routine.

 

Most likely, he and his girlfriend have a very normal and good relationship, and he's just a garden variety cheater. So you are giving him too much credit.

 

The reasons he still wants to be friends are (a) it's no skin off his back because he still has (and always had has) his support system and life with his girlfriend and (b) he knows you are emotionally attached to him, and hopes that you'll weaken over time and start having sex with him again.

 

The quickest way to suss out a guy like this is to say, 'sure, you want to be friends, how about you me and your girlfriend get together for dinner or you invite me over for dinner with you guys.' He'll run for the hills! He doesn't want a friend, he wants a no strings attached FWB. There's a lot in that for him, but nothing in that for you.

 

So you need to adjust your perception of who you THINK he is, with who he really is. He's someone who is willing to cheat on his girlfriend, flirt with other women, take up their time and heart and offer nothing in return but a shag now and again.

 

He's a garden variety rat, even if you did think he was more than that. Even if you did get with him, he'd do the same thing to you in future, and you'd be the 'cold complicated' girlfriend he'd be telling some other woman about. Very very predictable, even though you think he's special. You deserve a man who appreciates you and doesn't use you, and this guy did... you had hopes and expectations, and he was just get his pole greased, then going home to dinner with the one he really loved, his girlfiriend. Make no mistake, he chooses her because he WANTS her to be his girlfriend, end of story.

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i actually feel bad for both you and his girlfriend.

 

he's a lier and a cheater and you were his booty call. plain and simple

 

you said it yourself, "how could he sorry guys i don't want to insult you how can you be intimate with someone and then 4 hours later say i'll always be your friend?, if your intimate and their emotions and feeling how can you be friends?"

 

the guy had no remorse, he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend because she probably still has something he wants.

 

you and his girlfriend both deserve someone better

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Thank you guys.

 

It's what my friends have been saying. i suppose i got sucked in he was charming, cheeky and fun. We were only togther 4 motnhs of which the last month was miserable because i was sick of being the other woman and i kep trying to talk and hint about it and he kept trying to ignore the subject but me being me i didn't want to carry on living a lie so i aske dhim out right and he ran. he didn't he have the guts to face me like a man he did it over texts. He then started to behave we could be normal, i know my experience in relationships isn't great i'm 36 and he's the second guy in my life. I think i was ready to fall in love but chose the wrong guy to fall for.

 

he gave me mixed messages and i thought we stood a chance now i feel sucha fool, such a valuable lesson has been learnt. i've done everything the internet says, started going to gym, out with friends, retail therapy, treat myself to massages, started reading again...reading 'why men love at the minute, explains exactly where i went wrong. i was too nice to him and he didn't appreciate it.

 

Anyway you guys are lovely thankyou for the aadvice i'm going to stick to my no contcat and moving on decision. hoping to meet mr wonderful or my mr darcy...i hope i can sometimes email or leave anote for you guys to respond to when i'm feeling low and lonely, your words have been comforting and reassuring i'm doing the right thing. i was initially too scared to put a post up here i've never done it before and i was scred what people might think of me as the other woman as well. you've been great so thanks guys

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Honey, it didn't go wrong because you weren't a , it went wrong because he's a liar and cheater who deceived you from the beginning about his real availability. Cheaters ALWAYS use that 'my wife/gf is a a witch/no sex/complicated' line, but the truth is she's probably a nice woman just like you, that he is ALSO deceiving.

 

And don't be scared to post at all, that's what it's for... you are one of just MILLIONS of women who've gotten sucked into this kind of thing... it happens all the time. The trick is next time you find out some guy is involved and deceived you about it, just dump him on the spot and don't look back. There are too too many people out there like this cruising to meet their selfish needs at someone else's expense. Just apply the 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' principle... You learned from this, and just need to get out there and meet some guy who also has character!

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You did the right thing moving on and practicing NC with this guy. Thankfully it only lasted 4 months. The whole 'cold and complicated' thing with the other lady is a joke... Bit if you met her, she's probably another 'nice' lady being played. It's 'on him'. Definantly his problem and not yours. Those types end up in places of unhappiness at some point, no matter how charming they are outwardly. Glad you got out. You'll be happy when you find a man of character and are the '1st and only' woman. Wow...Quite a concept after this experience...

 

YOu seem like a nice lady and deserve the best...

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Ew, this man is a cheating, selfish, liar. I feel really bad for his gf too, as she probably has no clue this man is a manipulating piece of trash. You've got to take the burning bridges route on this type of person. Delete all texts, phone calls (and phone number), emails, etc. to just flush your mind from this manipulator.

 

You're not the other woman, you were just fooled by this man. If you continue and knowingly want to be the other woman (which you sound like you don't), then you will be the biggest fool for being so. Be strong and just ignore all of his sweet talk. It's just so he can play you again.

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You know i feel bad for his girlfriend too. I did say to him you clearly don't care enough about her to stay faithful to her and the way you've described your relationship is it worth you staying togther.

 

I did say if she wasn't the one he saw in his future then he should let her go instead of playing behind her back so she could find someone who genuinely cared about her and wanted to be with her because of her.

 

Also when i finished with him i did say try to make it work with your girlfriend instead of conitnuing your relationship the way it is.

 

He said he couldn't make any promises for the future. i felt sorry for his girldfriend i'm glad i'm not in her position also the fact he continued to pursue me after we split up made me feel even more sorry for her because she has no idea what he is up to behind her back.

 

Lol...i'm new to this and i've aldready got told of by the 'avman' guy i've used inappropriate language i think its in the title of the book i'm reading...not of to a good start....lol

 

you guys are brilliant i'm logging on here quite afew times a day to read your posts and i really can't tell you how much they mean to me. they are reassuring i'm doing the right thing and they make me that much stronger.

 

thanks

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He said he couldn't make any promises for the future. i felt sorry for his girldfriend i'm glad i'm not in her position also the fact he continued to pursue me after we split up made me feel even more sorry for her because she has no idea what he is up to behind her back.

 

She may or may not know. Sometimes the partner knows but either she loves the person and hopes it will get better or there is some other reason why she stays with him..other perks. Look at Bill and Hillary Clinton. He is a serial cheater but they work well as a political team...they are both driven by ambition and they ride on each other's coat tails. She wanted political power and if she would have left him she may not have gotten to the political ranks she achieved..so she stayed. She is very bright in her own right, but in this world connections are everything and being the wife of the former US President would hold more sway with the decision-makers than being the EX-Wife of the former President. There are plenty of men and women like that who will stay in bad relationship not because they love the person but because they like the status and benefits.

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Crazyaboutdogs

 

your right, the things he told me about the girlfriend concerned me she has emotional issues with sex because she's had some major operations around that area and there is a fear of sexual intimacy. I think she stays with him because she has told him about this and she thinks everything is ok with the 'no sex' little does she realise he's playing the field. He may genuinely care about her thats why he's still with her. i just think if she ever found out that he had betrayed her and had sex with another woman it would mess her head up for a long time especially after she has told him her fears about sexual intimacy.

 

i feel really good today reading everyones posts since yesterday has lifted another veil of darkness from my heart, things feel that much more easier and the pain is less. there are so many people hear hurting at the minute sounds mad...makes me feel better i'm not alone and makes me stronger.

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This is the story he told you..but remember he is a liar and cheater. These kind of people will make up all kinds of stories, even fabricating a partner's physical health issues in order to "tug at the heartstrings" of the person they would like to cheat with. For all you know he could have been having sex with you and then he would go home to his gf, shower, change and then have sex with her. You can't trust his story about his lack of sex life with his gf.

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I feel so stupid....how could i have fallen for the oldest trick in the book.........

 

i'm normally such a level headed and sensible person.......feel like such a .....i managed to convince myself that this was different, he was different.

 

he is a cheater, a liar and a heartless person...i'm well rid..................

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I feel so stupid....how could i have fallen for the oldest trick in the book.........

 

i'm normally such a level headed and sensible person.......feel like such .....i managed to convince myself that this was different, he was different.

 

he is a cheater, a liar and a heartless person...i'm well rid..................

 

Don't feel stupid...do you think he feels stupid for being a jacka**. No, of course not...it is people like that who should feel stupid but they don't..so why should you feel stupid for having the warmth and compassion, patience and understanding to believe in someone. Don't feel stupid for having qualities which are relationship-building qualities...with a good person those qualities will serve you well. He is just not a good person and those good qualities were wasted on him...that's his misfortune not yours.

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The problem is that if you're an honest person who doesn't lie to get what you want, you just can't conceive how someone else would do it, and tell huge whoppers while they're at it. So you can fall easy prey to guys like this, who are willing to lie and manipulate to get what they want.

 

But it is extremely consistent to see the same lies being told over and over by married men trying to entice other women to sleep with them. It is usually some variation of a sympathy ploy, and usually involves the 'my wife and i don't have sex' or 'she's a terrible person and i fear i will lose the kids if i leave' etc. Something that makes him look both noble and pathetic at the same time, so you rush into his arms to 'cure' his pain. Really, it is awful, but most of the time the guy has a normal marriage, and just likes to cheat for the excitement or sexual variety.

 

I dated a guy who turned out to be married and lying about it, who when discovered tried to pass it off by saying he and his wife had a 'different and safe' relationship... and i asked, what the heck does that mean and he really couldn't explain. I asked does that mean she is fine with you have sex with other women, and he balked and changed the subject. Then he basically tried to pass it off as 'they decided to combine finances', as if the marriage was strictly for financial convenience with no love or sex involved (without actually saying that)... but i had found pictures of them online entertaining in their house, a normal happy appearing married couple... So he was just dancing around the real truth, he was married, hoping to hit on some combination of things i would accept and hence continue to see him.

 

Men like this really can't offer you anything but the sex and a few stolen hours now and again, because their wife has all their money, their spare time, their commitment, their future etc. So these married men try to hook women in with the 'you're special because only you and i have sex,' or 'only you and i have a deep emotional connection and my wife is cold'... so they are like salesman trying to spin what they can offer you into a big deal because what they are really offering is very little, and very limited in scope. So they play up the sex and 'special feelings' between you, because they can't/won't be offering you a full, normal relationship.

 

So most women who get involved with married men fall for a con job... he's conned you into thinking that what you're doing is right or good or will eventually turn into what you want/where you want to be, but really, all he's doing is selling you useless swamp land.

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You hit the nail on the head. Regarding the part I bolded...that is all the big show. I suspect that the people who lie and manipulate to get another woman on the side are not all that happy in their marriage..but they like the social perks of having a wife. It is a certain lifestyle and social standing they are looking for rather than love..and they are very "me-oriented". They con their spouse or "legitimate" partner, con the woman (or women) on the side and con their circle of friends, family, co-workers...spewing out different stories to the different groups in order to cover their tracks. You are so right that honest people who don't lie to get what they want just don't see it coming because they just don't think in that kind of warped fashion.

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you guys are right i've always been straight forward an honest i don't lie thats why i couldn't carry on with things the way they were. and your also right about how i don't know he can do what he did and say what he did. it upsets me, i do try to take responsibility for my involvement in this but i think ...i don't know i put him on a pedestal and thought things would be different.

 

in all of this i have maintained a cold silence with him, i think he pursued me because i wasn't kicking of a fuss or behanving needy or desperate. i need to stop missing him, i saw him several times a day, we text and emailed all the time. i've deleted all his numbers and facebook link and i stay away from his end of the building. i suppose i can't rush time i feel ok now and i know i'll feel even better in another 3 weeks i just want to be 3 weeks in the future now so i don't have to deal with the grief, pain, hurt and betrayal if that makes sense. i think i'm going to go to the gym and work out. you two are amazing thanks for constantly checking my posts and giveing me feedback and reassurance.

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