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The eight week challenge - For the ladies


uncomfynumb

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I wanted to come back and share something that I learned from the book "Getting to I Do."

 

When a man and a woman break up, no matter who did the breaking up and if the breakup wasn't due to significant other problems but mostly with him not wanting to commit, according to the author, it takes eight weeks for the man to realize his mistake, to miss you and to decide if he wants you back.

 

Here is what the author wrote:

 

"Remember that a normal, right handed, focused and logical man needs four to eight weeks to evalulate the loss of you. This is a decision of emotional significance both left lobed logic, in this case: "Do I want to call her again?" and right lobed feelings "I miss her, she is a really nice, sexy lady. Should I call her again?"

 

If he calls in two to four weeks, it means he was ready for committment and needed only to evalute things for a little while. Many men can manage four weeks apart from a woman that they care about quite easily. If he calls after six weeks, a crucial time, he has made a rational, male decision. As I said before, eight weeks is critical. If he has called within that time frame, stop waiting and go on to other men and other experiences."

 

Many masculine, bullheaded men must feel the pain of loss before they realize they want to be married.

 

I must emphasize that this is a critical time, when one incorrect action on your part can extend your painful bon to the wrong man. So it is imperative that you understand what is happening during this process.

 

As I have said, it takes approximately eight weeks for a man to process his decision. For four weeks, he can usually function superfically, dating, working and living. At first, his left lobe logic says "Who needs her! I'll decide how things go between us. No woman controls me!" (side note from OP: This applys when a relationship has ended and the woman walked away because the man did not want to commit.)

If he is in love with you, and not just using you for sex, but didn't 'know' he as in love, somewhere around six to eight weeks he will miss you so badly that he may call to ask to be "friends."

 

Don't do it! This rekindles your oxytocin bonding. Don't listen to his voice on his voicemail or let him listen to yours. Change your recording so he can't get a fix off of you and be able to stay away longer. (side note from OP: This book was written before the social networking sites, chat and texting became popular so this also applies now! Delete him so he can't see you and get a fix off of you!) Don't tast, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. Let the rubber band stretch and stretch.

 

Don't call him for any reason. If you are patient, you can control your impulsive need to reconnect before eight weeks. If you call him, you lose and he wins. Sex is all you will get and you will end up hating each other."

 

But if you don't call (OP added text, email, message, facebook, etc.) as his right lobe feels the pain, he will realize why he hurts. He misses you, no one else can replace you. He must have another chance to be with you which will lead him to call you and and admit that he is in love with you and wants committment.

 

However if he doesn't call in eight weeks, its over. Start duty-dating, dress up, get out and read self help books, get on with your life as a single woman. If you have had a long term relationhship, it might take as long as two years for you to get over him so don't sit around. A new love will take you away from him."

 

If anyone has any questions about the book or what was written, I will try and answer them. I just wanted to share what I learned as to help other women that might be in this type of situation.

 

I would like to add that there is more to the book. Recognizing what type of energy you are, male or female, and how trying to be both can be destructive to relationships, especially if you are in a relationship with a masculine male and you are a male energy or if you are in a relationship with a feminine energy male and you are a feminine energy.

 

The book also touches on the whole sex before committment thing. Don't have sex before you commit. Doing so can bond you to the wrong man for you. And doing so with the right man can lead to frustration and to a breakup and him not respecting you.

 

Good luck!

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What I don't believe here is that lots of people get back together after the amount of time he describes. Sometimes people even get into other relationships and don't realize they want you back until the other relationship dissolves and they realize what they had with you.

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If he is in love with you, and not just using you for sex, but didn't 'know' he was in love, somewhere around six to eight weeks he will miss you so badly that he may call to ask to be "friends."

 

Don't do it!...

 

 

this is quite interesting.

 

My ex and I broke up almost 4 months ago - he kept calling/fbooking weekly until I told him to stop, and then we went NC for like 20 days or so until I called him on his birthday and then we went NC for 8 weeks - dead on 8 weeks he called, saying he missed me and thought about me 'more than is healthy', had wanted to call me everyday, kept asking to be friends and to meet up, which i denied. Unfortunately we had a 3 hour conversation, he got his fix of me... and now he's disappeared again...

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What I don't believe here is that lots of people get back together after the amount of time he describes. Sometimes people even get into other relationships and don't realize they want you back until the other relationship dissolves and they realize what they had with you.

 

minou,

 

I agree with you and questioned that too. I don't think the eight weeks is the be all, end of all of time frames by any means but it is a starting point. Also, I added that social networking, chat, text etc. could possibly hinder this process which the author did not consider or write about. That is why I added that in myself.

 

What I find most helpful whether you want to view the eight weeks as an absolute or not, is that it does give us some clarity, understanding and direction, a game plan if you will. The things we need most when we are lost and confused.

 

The author is a woman by the way. And there is more to the book than just this. It has helped me understand myself and men a little better already and I recommend that any woman read it and not wait until after the eighth week to start.

 

Lastly I will add that some of this stuff is along the lines of Mars and Venus but it is to note that this was written before John Gray's books. In fact, I believe that he has quoted her in at least one of his books.

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this is quite interesting.

 

My ex and I broke up almost 4 months ago - he kept calling/fbooking weekly until I told him to stop, and then we went NC for like 20 days or so until I called him on his birthday and then we went NC for 8 weeks - dead on 8 weeks he called, saying he missed me and thought about me 'more than is healthy', had wanted to call me everyday, kept asking to be friends and to meet up, which i denied. Unfortunately we had a 3 hour conversation, he got his fix of me... and now he's disappeared again...

 

Someone else on another forum did some research and it has been said that it is almost uncanny how the eight weeks things works. The author in another section of the book says that about the same thing...

 

I want to reiterate that I think if a couple had problems other than just committment issues, that itself opens up another can of worms.

 

The book was written for woman that are emotionally health for the most part but have some problems with communicating and getting their needs met in relationships, mainly getting to marriage. So again, if the relationship had other major problems such as cheating, addictions, mental issues or abuse and these were the causes of conflict in the relationship, the book likely won't solve your problems In that case, I suggest a counselor for both people.

 

If you are consisently attracted to and stay in and fight for unhealthy relationships, then you are as unhealthy as the actual offender in such relationships.

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haha ok, well we didn't have any problems - never really fought, still got on like a house on fire, still had a laugh, still had a great sex life. He just completely blind sided me and said 'it's just a feeling', he knows we were great, knows I'm great - he's said it himself. But... I'm not waiting around for him to realise it and anyway, he's done a few crappy things since and during our relationship that i've found out since which I think I could forgive but not forget and trust again. Not that he's coming back anyway.

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haha ok, well we didn't have any problems - never really fought, still got on like a house on fire, still had a laugh, still had a great sex life. He just completely blind sided me and said 'it's just a feeling', he knows we were great, knows I'm great - he's said it himself. But... I'm not waiting around for him to realise it and anyway, he's done a few crappy things since and during our relationship that i've found out since which I think I could forgive but not forget and trust again. Not that he's coming back anyway.

 

I didn't mean to imply that you and your ex had problems beyond committment issues, but wanted to post that for others reading this thread.

 

In what you just wrote, seems like your ex was a committment phobe? I apologize for not knowing your history and wish you the very best, you deserve it.

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I certainly think that is an interesting concept. I don't know how true it is in all cases, but I can see how it has a lot of truth in it for many situations. Essentially, many times people need space to realize what you mean to them and their lives.

 

I agree wholehearted about needing space. When people break up, it is for a reason and not all people can even communicate that fully at the time of the breakup. They just instinctively know that something is not right.

 

In the past when I have been the dumper, that has been the case with me. Even as a woman in touch with her feelings, given space and time I was able to communicate and pinpoint the things that were wrong after time giving complete closure to the relationship, not only for me but for my ex.

 

I found alot of interesting tidbits in this book; for instance left-handed men are usually in better touch with their feelings than right-handed men.

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I'm almost 8 weeks out here...he was the dumper. No cheating, (that i am aware of), no drugs, lying deal breaker sort of relationship things. He just got tired of "arguing" aka.... him being expected to work thru issues that every couple comes up against eventually. He would address nothing and always shut down any communication before resolution could ever even begin. So frustrating.

 

We were together over 2 years, both in our 40's. I am now just finally starting to feel better this past week. 2 months have felt like 6! There has been no attempt at contact from either of us. It's been hard but I refuse to EVER make any type of contact for any reason and it has been my saving grace. NC works. Still hard times certain days but I am feeling more forward focused now finally....it's been a journey, that's for sure.

 

This post has taken me back a few paces. My head and heart aren't quite in synch yet but I've really FINALLY started accepting that it's truly over. To think that a cold, stubborn man like my ex could all of a sudden decide he misses the good stuff ( and I'm finally starting to once again believe that I'M pretty good stuff!)and call out of the blue....I'm SO not wanting to consider that happening. In my case...I believe it's an impossibility.

Feeling a bit anxious just the same.

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wow great post. i am going through this exact same thing. i have gone through this before with my ex who obviously has commitment issues. we have been together for 4 years so i believe this could not be more true:

Many masculine, bullheaded men must feel the pain of loss before they realize they want to be married.

 

so if he calls before the 8 weeks, don't answer?

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I'm sorry if this thread has taken you back a few paces. Of course that was not my intention!

 

In my relationship, giving too much sabotaged his feelings for me or so I believe. It took me looking past my own anger and resentment at him for ending the relationship to see better how I might have contributed. I posted about this in another thread.

 

I believe that women also sabotage themselves by not setting a standard from the beginning of the relationship. One way we do this is not demanding a committment before we have sex. We have to love ourselves first in order to be cherished and loved the way that we want to be loved. Not to say that you did this in your relationship but just to say it. Changing the course of the relationship after the fact can lead to both parties feeling hurt, angry and confused. It is up to us once again to set the standard, to know what we want and to not give in. We know that having sex with a man will emotionally attach us to him. We need to make sure he is a good guy and right for us before we have sex with him.

 

Finally, we who choose to stay in a relationship with a man that is not moving towards committment also hurt ourselves. And the underlying message that we send is that we love him more than we love ourselves and they lose respect for us for that.

 

There is a lot of good stuff in this book. Glad that I got it and it is the best book on relationships that I have read in a long time as it promotes accountability for ones own actions.

 

I'm around your age and I'm finding I'm not to old to learn to new tricks. My goal is finding a life partner and marriage and I will have that with a good man. I deserve it.

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wow great post. i am going through this exact same thing. i have gone through this before with my ex who obviously has commitment issues. we have been together for 4 years so i believe this could not be more true:

Many masculine, bullheaded men must feel the pain of loss before they realize they want to be married.

 

so if he calls before the 8 weeks, don't answer?

 

If you want a reconcilliation, I would say do answer BUT keep the convo brief and stick to your guns. If it is clear that he is calling just to say "hi" and see how you are and doesn't want to work things out, then get off the phone. Be clear about what it is that you want and tell him not to call you again unless he wants to commit to you. And let him know at this point, that you aren't waiting for him. You are dating, moving on. And those are my thoughts, not from the book.

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Thank you uncomfynumb and it's ok!

 

I too, gave too much...i tend to do that and after a time if he's not reciprocating at least some..i start to feel resentful. That's about MY issues. I know I need to look at the part I played in it...I am NOT without fault, that I do know.

The relationship I just came out of was NOT a healthy one in alot of ways. I knew that not long after commiting and chose to stay put rather then end something that was not good for me. Again....that is about my stuff that I will once and for all address so that in the future I can truly have a loving, kind, respectful, MUTUAL relationship.

 

Yes...you DO deserve happiness and someone who will love, cherish and respect you each and everyday! We ALL do!!

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Thank you uncomfynumb and it's ok!

 

I too, gave too much...i tend to do that and after a time if he's not reciprocating at least some..i start to feel resentful. That's about MY issues. I know I need to look at the part I played in it...I am NOT without fault, that I do know.

The relationship I just came out of was NOT a healthy one in alot of ways. I knew that not long after commiting and chose to stay put rather then end something that was not good for me. Again....that is about my stuff that I will once and for all address so that in the future I can truly have a loving, kind, respectful, MUTUAL relationship.

 

Yes...you DO deserve happiness and someone who will love, cherish and respect you each and everyday! We ALL do!!

 

Sounds like you are indeed better off without this one.

 

One thing that I find hard for me is this thinking that because of my age, finding love will be diificult. That is the only thought that really gets me down sometimes. I had been single for a long time before this relationship and good men seem to be so hard to find. I just have to remind myself that it is all worth the wait. And to focus on bettering myself and growing as a person and taking care of myself physically as well.

 

I believe that it is time for me to start duty dating. Getting back out there will force me to focus more on myself. I had worked out really hard last year and got myself to a point that I was looking really fit and healthy and I let that go over the winter. So dating again will inspire me to get into shape some and in turn I will feel better about myself. I got a pedicure on Friday, something I have not done for myself in a long time. I want to get my hair done too. I think doing these little things for yourself really help.

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I would like to add that there is more to the book. Recognizing what type of energy you are, male or female, and how trying to be both can be destructive to relationships, especially if you are in a relationship with a masculine male and you are a male energy or if you are in a relationship with a feminine energy male and you are a feminine energy.

 

This is what I deal with all the time. I am female and I think I am unintentionally threatening (at least initially). Although I don't believe in dumbing myself down or not being 'real', being 'me' seems to cause anxiety in guys. It's become something I really worry about. I don't know how to work on this, or what some of the things I can do are. Is this theory from a particular book? Any reading suggestions?

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This is what I deal with all the time. I am female and I think I am unintentionally threatening (at least initially). Although I don't believe in dumbing myself down or not being 'real', being 'me' seems to cause anxiety in guys. It's become something I really worry about. I don't know how to work on this, or what some of the things I can do are. Is this theory from a particular book? Any reading suggestions?

 

I don't know what being the 'real you' means. I know that for some people, if they do not practice self-awareness and self-control, the real them is rude, critical, and abrasive.

 

Relationships do take a lot of compromise and I think if you have a compromising yet self-respecting heart, you will do well.

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Oh no, I'm very self-aware -- totally not rude, abrasive or critical.

 

The real me is an independent woman who has a job. I don't rub that in guy's faces, but I'm pretty happy with my life so if someone asks me what I do, I tell them. I also am kind of a tomboy, and when guys see that I can keep up with them or can change a bike tire, somehow I'm thinking that they think that I don't need a guy? Or they think they don't have anything to offer?

 

Sorry -- not trying to hijack the thread here!

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I wanted to come back and share something that I learned from the book "Getting to I Do."

 

Here is what the author wrote:

"Remember that a normal, right handed, focused and logical man needs four to eight weeks to evalulate the loss of you. This is a decision of emotional significance both left lobed logic, in this case: "Do I want to call her again?" and right lobed feelings "I miss her, she is a really nice, sexy lady. Should I call her again?"

 

What does it say about weird, left-handed guys? My fella was a southpaw.

 

And actually, the last time he dumped someone else out of commitmentphobia, it took him a year to want her back--not eight weeks. (By which time, of course, she had moved on.) I'm really glad I listened closely when he told me the stories of his past relationships...he told it quickly; I'd have missed it if I hadn't been paying attention.

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Oh no, I'm very self-aware -- totally not rude, abrasive or critical.

 

The real me is an independent woman who has a job. I don't rub that in guy's faces, but I'm pretty happy with my life so if someone asks me what I do, I tell them. I also am kind of a tomboy, and when guys see that I can keep up with them or can change a bike tire, somehow I'm thinking that they think that I don't need a guy? Or they think they don't have anything to offer?

 

Sorry -- not trying to hijack the thread here!

 

No worries about hijacking. This book does touch on independent women and how having masculine energy can effect your relationship with a masculine energy male. In essence, these types of males want to be the leaders and providers in the relationship. In a relationship, there can only be one so woman must choose to be receptive and feminine or giving and masculine.

 

Really too much to post here but the book goes into the details of how the feminist movement has created some problems in relationships but not so much that they can't be solved.

 

I'm more of a feminine energy but being on my on for a long time has made me independent so it is hard for me sometimes to not be the mother when someone I love is having problems. And the issues in my relationship seemed to arise when he started having a lot of personal problems. I did alot for him, giving and giving and giving. And though I thought I was doing what was right, I think in the end he really just wanted to be heard and not advised and not have me put myself out so much to help me. Add to the fact that he couldn't give back to me physically or take me out and wine and dine me, I can imagine how that must have felt for him.

 

I may be wrong, he may have simply decided that I wasn't the one for him due to other reasons. But he listed his stress as the number one reason that he couldn't give me what I want, which in part was committment, him being able to up to the relationship.

 

Its sad when a relationship that has a lot of potential has to end this way but there is nothing we can do to change that. Space as Ms. Darcy said earlier, is important here for both, the dumper and the dumpee. As the dumpee, it gives us time to reflect. And if I could go back in time, I would be less impulsive and handled my anger differently. At the time I just felt so used because as I said, I gave and gave and now that I can be completely honest about it all, I was also resentful. But too in my own defense, I've never been in a relationship with a man that got hit with so many things at once. It was overwhelming for me and I am sure it was double for him. Had we had more history and I felt more secure in the relationship and he felt more confident about his own future, I think things might have turned out differently.

 

I emailed him last Thursday, and gave the relationship complete closure. I let him know that I think I understood things better now and that I am no longer angry and that I wish him the best. I also told him that I was ready for forever and didn't want to carry my anger and connfusion into my next relationship, that I had opened my mind and heart. I also let him know that I would not be calling him as he suggested I do if I want to talk because I don't have his number anymore. And I told him to call me or email if he felt that he had anything that he felt he needed to say.

 

I think it is imperative to the woman that is seeking committment from a man that is asking for space or breaking it off altogether that he should only call her if he changes his mind and to respect her need for no contact. This leaves things open if he does change his mind and allows you to start healing and moving forward with your life. I think it is also important that you clarify that you do not want to be friends. Remaining friends only keeps you attached. I think it is only possible if you have truly moved on and have someone new in your life and have no more feelings for your ex.

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What does it say about weird, left-handed guys? My fella was a southpaw.

 

And actually, the last time he dumped someone else out of commitmentphobia, it took him a year to want her back--not eight weeks. (By which time, of course, she had moved on.) I'm really glad I listened closely when he told me the stories of his past relationships...he told it quickly; I'd have missed it if I hadn't been paying attention.

 

Southpaw huh?

 

Here is a quote from the book about this very thing:

 

By the way, left handed men are different from right handed men because, like all women, (both left handed and right handed), they can think AND feel at the same time. This means they are able to speak logically and with feelings. This can be terrific for a woman because talking to one of these men can be like talking to your best friend. However sometimes all hell can break loose because you both have a lot of emotions behind your thoughts and don't want to compromise.

 

If you and your left handed man both had a difficult day at work and both feel distraught and maybe a little depressed when you get together at night, you could find that because your need for comfort are so acute, neither of you will be able to console the other. This could result in resentment, anger, verbal attacks, or withdrawal of affection.

 

Therefore, if you are with a left handed man, it is important that you and he make a decisive commitment early on in the relationship and choose which one of you will be respected for logic and cherished for his or her feelings. You must override your ability to think and feel at the same time."

 

I think the author, Dr. Patricia Allen, stated that most left handed men are more of a feminine energy but don't quote me on that. What was really funny to me reading that passage is that my son is a southpaw and he and I often conflict lately. Of course his raging teenage hormones don't help either! But he seems to be just like that, in touch with his feelings and able to be logical at the same time. He is definitely a feminine energy male!

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By the way, left handed men are different from right handed men because, like all women, (both left handed and right handed), they can think AND feel at the same time. This means they are able to speak logically and with feelings. This can be terrific for a woman because talking to one of these men can be like talking to your best friend.

 

Yup, that was my fella. Boyfriend and best friend, in touch with his feelings; emotional. Never met a guy like him before.

 

Hope I never meet one again.

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