My gf cuts herself

My gf cuts herself everytime we fight. Our fights always start because I accidentally say the wrong thing that makes her angry and she tells me it hurts her. I never mean to hurt her and I never know that if the next thing I say is going to hurt her. But I don't know until she gets mad and we fight. I try apologizing but it doesn't work and we just fight and she tries to break up with me. Then she cuts herself and sends me pictures or shows me to make me feel bad about it. And alot of times when we're fighting shes telling me she's cutting and that I make her do it. It makes me feel like a horrible person and I just don't know what to do anymore. Can someone help?

No offense man, but she sounds like a sociopath. I sincerely doubt that the reason for her cutting is because of you. She has problems, and it would be best to just end the relationship.

This is very abusive on her part. Don't believe what she's telling you and don't accept that kind of behavior. You are in no way responsible for what she chooses to do with her body.

Maybe she's just trying to make you feel like crap. In that case, you should end it before it gets worse and she causes more harm to you or herself.

None of us are responsible for another person's happiness. She is blackmailing you emotionally and that is not right. She cuts because she has emotional problems and it is just easier to blame you than accept responsibility for herself.

This is not going to get better and as hard as it is to hear, you need to walk away for your own health and happiness.

She's emotionally blackmailing you. She is sending you pictures of her self harm to keep you from leaving her. She also seems to have a temper problem and an attitude problem.

Now, I don't know much about self harm but I don't think that you can do anything to help her. How happy are you in this relationship? Are you staying out of guilt/fear?

I'm OBVIOUSLY no expert, but because she tells you she's going to cut, and then shows you what she's done suggests that the problem is FAR deeper than any arguments you've had. She maybe needs attention or needs someone to help her open up about her problems. She may have gone through a lot of things you don't even know of, but because no ones helped her talk about it, it bottles up and becomes the situation you are in now. The only thing you can do yourself is try to get her to open up to you about maybe her past or maybe her current feelings, and if you feel she won't open up to you, she needs to seek professional health. Trust me, I've been through it all... it seems like she has the same problem I had, but just to a more escalated point. Keep in mind, if you want to stay with her, this will take time, patience and dedication because even after 2 years of dealing with this, the problem has been cooled down, but not fully resolved. There's usually some scaring or damage left behind, especially when things get to that point.

P.S DON'T blame yourself! People can not MAKE her do what she's doing, it's all because of her personal choice to do so, and the way she decided to deal with her problems. Also, just by you posting this here asking for help shows that you care and want help for the both of you, which is ALWAYS a good thing.

Get out now. She's not hitting you, but this is an abusive relationship nonetheless.

Your GF needs help. Lots of it.

She is manipulating you hardcore.

Now, I don't know much about self harm but I don't think that you can do anything to help her. How happy are you in this relationship? Are you staying out of guilt/fear?

The thing about that is, when we aren't fighting, we have the best time together and make each other incredibly happy. It's only when we fight that this happens and our relationship would be perfect if it weren't for that. I love her and I care about her alot and I don't want her to do this anymore, but I feel if I ask her to seek help she will get angry and start doing it again, blaming it on me.

The thing about that is, when we aren't fighting, we have the best time together and make each other incredibly happy. It's only when we fight that this happens and our relationship would be perfect if it weren't for that. I love her and I care about her alot and I don't want her to do this anymore, but I feel if I ask her to seek help she will get angry and start doing it again, blaming it on me.

I don;t think this is healthy nor fair to you. Seems to me that she holds all the cards and you are at the mercy of her mood.

You can't even talk about things for fear that she'll cut herself and blame it on you. Talk about walking on egg shells.

What I don't understand is she never cut herself before me. She doesn't have any scars at all before now

but I feel if I ask her to seek help she will get angry and start doing it again, blaming it on me.

This is abuse. You should not enable her manipulation. You have to tell her she gets help or you walk. Period.

The thing about that is, when we aren't fighting, we have the best time together and make each other incredibly happy. It's only when we fight that this happens and our relationship would be perfect if it weren't for that. I love her and I care about her alot and I don't want her to do this anymore, but I feel if I ask her to seek help she will get angry and start doing it again, blaming it on me.

What usually starts an argument?

This is a very serious matter not to be taken lightly. As easy as it is to assume she just wants attention - there are a number of other reasons she might be doing it.

Some people have deep attachment wounds (stemming from family of origin) that get triggered in relationships. They get so physiologically overwhelmed they may cut to distract from their internal pain - or on the flip side, some will cut to "feel something."

Regardless, this is a symptom of a deeper underlying issues. The others who said you can't be held responsible for her choices are right - and people caught in this kind of relationship can feel trapped and helpless for fear of what the other might do.

I don't mean to scare you - but I would be remiss not to say that the worst case scenario is a suicide attempt. I would ask her if she's ever attempted this before or has been hospitalized.

All of this being said - she is responsible for her behavior. You cannot be responsible for filling the bottomless hole inside she might have.

She needs help - one way you might go about getting help (if she's not willing to look at her behavior now) is seeing a couples counselor around the idea of helping the relationship (if this is what you want and you want to try to work on it). This way, ideally, the therapist will flag the issues with her and try hopefully steer her in the right direction to address herself.

Good luck - that's a tough one.

What I don't understand is she never cut herself before me. She doesn't have any scars at all before now

How old is she?

she's 19 and i'm 23

What usually starts an argument?

Something that I say that I don't realize would hurt or is not intended to hurt at all. But it ends up hurting her and I never understand how or why.

Something that I say that I don't realize would hurt or is not intended to hurt at all. But it ends up hurting her and I never understand how or why.

That happens from time to time, but she shouldn't resort to self harming, due to an argument. Maybe she's trying to trap you in the relationship, I mean, if she cuts herself because of a stupid argument, imagine what she'd do if you broke up with her.

She might think you couldn't live with yourself if it came to her committing suicide because of the breakup.

She might think you couldn't live with yourself if it came to her committing suicide because of the breakup.

Suicide attempts are a common threat from manipulators when you try to leave them. They hardly ever go through with the attempt.

OP - 6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

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Her cutting is the equivalent of the abuse and put downs. The times in between are great, and they keep you around when they are pulling the abuser moves.

Look - I cut (and, more other people do than you might suppose), but, no way is anyone "making" us. Cutting is usually a private coping method, not always; yet, how clear that her actions seem conditioned on whether or not your actions compliment her desires. She does need help as she clearly has some deep issues! Don't blame yourself and don't try to blame or order her to change - tell her that you care about her and that she needs help (then, decide if this is a good time for you to exit out of there, if you want to commit, then, the two of you may want to set-up the counselling).

Look, maybe there aren't any perfect answers - just protect that instinct of yours that knew that she was not being straight-forward.

i often used to cut wen my boyfriend well now ex and i used to fight it released the anger but i never told him i done it unless he found out because i never felt i cud blame him for my actions... it sounds like all she wants is attention! i have a friend that cut her arm and sent her bf pictures but it was oly to get attention off him and make him feel sorry for her and not to leave her...

Somewhere/sometime you will have to put it to her if she don't stop you are not willing to go on with this relationship, this would be best with her family present.

You are not her emotional punching bag, when her life go out of control! It is for her to start to change and to work on it, you can only support her in her healing proses.

You need to take a really hard look at this relationship. If you are the villain in her eyes "causing her self-harm" you are doing more harm than good.

If you really love her let her go!

I don't think this relationship is going to work!:sad:

I agree with Jeen - what, if one day she really, really tried to get attention, but, unintentionally really, really, really hurt herself? It would be her fault not yours, but, no one would want to see that happen.

Hi ted89blue,

This is my first post. I see that this thread is over a month old. However, the title caught my eye because my ex-fiancee is a cutter. Although she never self-injured because of us having an argument, I can relate to the pain you must feel when she cuts.

Have things improved for you, your girlfriend, your relationship? I am hoping so.

SI is very difficult to deal with, for all involved. I didn't understand SI at all until I read a book called, "Women Who Hurt Themselves" by Dusty Miller. The author doesn't completely nail it. But she did a pretty good job of helping me understand SI a little better.

SI is a coping mechanism. You are not the one "making" her cut. There is a deep, underlying cause going on with your girlfriend.

I'm certainly not an expert, but I've done a lot of research. What I've learned is that SI is usually a by-product of one or more of (but not limited to), the following: mental illness (whether diagnosed or not), PTSD, past sexual trauma &/or abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc., etc.

I would definitely recommend reading up a little about SI. Google "Self Injury" and you'll find plenty.

Sadly, there is not much you can do to make her stop. Trust me. I know this helpless feeling very well. She needs help, and I hope she gets the help she needs. SI is dangerous and not to be taken lightly.

Anyway, best of luck with everything. Let us know how it's going some time if you can.