I've decided to beat the odds...

Hello, I've just joined this website as my friend recommended I get some support from people in similar situations... Hopefully someone can help me out with this one, as it's been driving me nuts...

So my ex and I broke up in December. She developed seasonal depression and I wasn't the least bit understanding of what she was going through. I continued to act the way I always acted with her, when in reality I see now how much damage I was doing... So she broke up with me and claimed to need to focus on herself for now. Understandable. I made it worse. She knows it and I know it.

I took December remarkably well. I didn't even feel the need to talk to her. I did drunk text her once and we talked for a bit. We said we missed each other and that was that. She drunk texted me once or twice during December as well. We didn't speak again till New Years. She was really receptive and we just chatted about nothing really. I assume we were both drunk, but all the msgs were via text. The next day I asked her to go for coffee, and she said she didn't think that was a good idea. I said that was fine, but maybe it would be better if we didn't keep in touch...

So a week later on a Friday she texted me, drunk again. She asked me if I was going to our staff party since we used to work together. Then she apologized for being rude a week prior. I said that was okay. We were talking, but I fell asleep that night and she never texted me the next day. Basically come two days later I asked her if she wanted to get back together and here is my biggest mistake I think. She just said that she was happy now. We got into a fight. She said some hurtful things and that was it.

We didn't talk for a couple days. Long story short, over the next couple weeks I kept pushing little by little. At one point there was an event where I demonstrated I definitely cared about her. I told her I would give her space and talk to me when she was ready. She talked to me the next day. For a couple days we were talking very well. Then one night her and her best friend came to see myself and my friend at a restaurant after the bar. It went good until they got there. She kept bringing up the past things. Wouldn't really talk to me. They left.

So basically since then she obviously wasn't impressed with me. I made a joke at one point about her ex-bf and she threw it back in my face that at least he wasn't mean when she was sad.

I called her one day a couple weeks ago and told her I didn't want to fight with her anymore. She said okay. Talks to me on MSN that night. Everything was okay. I then made a sarcastic comment on her facebook a couple days later. She texted me right afterwards claiming she didn't want anything to do with me. Calling me a shi*** person and whatnot. I was shocked.

So, that was two weeks ago. Her best friend and I were chatting a few times because she likes me and would like for us to get back together. Eventually her best friend told me that her and her previous ex were talking once again. That never really stopped, even through our relationship. The guy is a total waste of time, physically abusive, controlling, and plain rude.

I sent my ex a happy valentine's wish via text, to which she simply responded with Thanks. The next day she msged me on msn to stop talking to her friend. I said that was fine. I was mainly only talking to her because it seemed her and my best friend seemed to like each other. I then asked my ex why she hates me so much.

She brought up the past things I did... Again... She mentioned I turned out to be worse than her previous ex, who as I mentioned is half the man I am. She really pulled out all the stops to try and convince herself I am the worst person ever. I told her I wasn't the same person that I used to be. She agreed. She says she hates me because she feels she wasted her time. Saying she thought I was so different and turned out to be just like if not worse than her previous ex. This was yesterday.

I'm sorry I had to write that all down. I felt the story wouldn't really make sense unless I had everything down here. My theory: She knows I'm not the uncaring individual I used to be, and for that reason she's really trying to pull out all the stops to try and find reasons to hate me. She even brought up a mistake I made with my ex before her. I feel that this is not fair at all. I don't understand why she has to bring up things I've already apologized for and make me feel the pain every chance she can get.

The main problem I'm having with this is that before we started being in real contact again and before I put down her ex, she NEVER had this attitude that she has now. It's cold and hurtful and she knows it gets to me. I haven't reacted negatively to her actions though, because I know that will only justify her leaving me to begin with.

So, I guess my real concern is that I would like to know if there was any way to calm her down and get her talking to me again? I feel that if we were to start talking again I could take things real slow and slowly show her this other side. At this point, I'm saying we're even. An eye for an eye. I treated her without care, and she has returned the favor. I'm strongly considering going into NC and just see what she does with it.

If anyone else has any opinions on this I would greatly appreciate it... I know I'm new here, but I'm in serious trouble and I could use all the help I could get...

Thank you

Do you love her?

Personally, with her other ex now being involved in her life, I'd make my feelings perfectly clear one time and then go NC.

For me it would be something like "I'd like you to consider giving me another chance. Please let me know if you're interested. Thanks for making the efforts recently to communicate. Take care!"

That puts the ball in her court and makes it pretty clear what you're after.

I only asked because it seems like you are trying to fix what has happened between you two. You have changed, but that doesnt seem to matter to her. As i know depression just as well as anyone else that suffers from it I think you should take a step back. Do some research on depression, but dont tell her you know what she is going through. I don't think you should see it as eye for an eye, but rather that she is making you feel the way you made her feel. I dont think that she is done either. How do i put this so it makes sense. I dont know why i reach such lows, but if there was someone around that was making it worse and I got away from them and got better to an extent I would hate them too. Perhaps she isnt being mean to you to get even, but rather its a defense to keep you out of her life in let's say a bf standpoint because you did hurt her so badly. Change.....it's easy to say and hard to prove. I would take a step back, but dont go NC...do that and you may lose her, "put the ball in her court" and she may tear you down some more. Keep the control and woo her back by increasing your knowledge of what she is going through.....if she does have any feelings left for you in that way...you may very well get a second chance

Thanks for the replies guys. This really does seem to put things in a different perspective for me. I've been thinking that she is just trying to get even, however I think otherwise today. Bipolar you have made me realize something...

First, an update. She texted me yesterday because she ran into one of our mutual friends who mentioned quite simply " I hear you guys aren't on good terms". To her, that apparently meant I was ranting to him. Which, to be fair, I was, but she didn't know that much.

She told me that for future reference, the conflicts that we have are our business and no one else's, especially those who she worked with in the past as well.

Fair point. I quite simply stated that if she would show me a little respect in the future, then I would do the same. I was basically fed up with being talked down to and having my actions scrutinized. Well apparently, this worked better than I expected, sort of.

She opened up a little bit as to what my actions REALLY caused her to feel. Safe to say I was shocked. We explored what I did a little bit. It was civil. Basically she told me that in the future it would be wise not to be so insensitive so that history didn't repeat itself. She also mentioned that the next time I tell someone that I will be there for them, that it would be better if I actually was, and finally to think before I speak. These are valid points.

So she pointed out a few of my flaws. Half of me wanted to explode. I never take that kind of advice well. Fortunately, over the past few months I have been learning to do exactly what she mentioned. I took her advice honestly and mentioned that it would have been better had she mentioned how she really felt back when it actually mattered.

She simply explained that she was never pissed off enough to do so, but now that she is, she will.

I mentioned that it still would have been better to tell me. She said okay. Afterwards I simply mentioned that I had let her down and that she was right that I cannot fix it. Then I said I was going to the gym and that I would talk to her later. She didn't reply.

Now, as to what Bipolar mentioned. I agree completely, especially after yesterday's talk. I will have to do just that. I'm just not sure what to say to her as of now or when I should say it. At least what we did talk about is a small step in the right direction.

I feel I should also mention that yesterday during our conversation she told me explaining what I really made her feel won't change how she feels about me now nor will it fix things. She said it would seem to her a waste of time.

I quickly countered that it was not a waste of time to me. I forgot to mention this. This was how we got into the conversation of her true feelings.