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Thread: People who break up with you because they are scared of hurting you – what’s the deal?!

  1. #1
    headwreck
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    People who break up with you because they are scared of hurting you – what’s the deal?!

    I’ve had a couple of relationships like this, all is going well after about 3 /4 months – very well and then I get
    “I could continue seeing you, I enjoy spending time with you, sharing things with you, care about you but I’m scared of hurting you…”

    Nice. Well you have just hurt me because in my eyes you have been all over me for months, now you have just broken up with me for no reason….if you end up hurting me so be it, but lets see shall we!

    To me it translates as, I am scared of taking a deep breath, committing and maybe getting hurt myself….

  2. #2
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    That is a BS excuse designed to make themselves feel better because it gives the appearance of them being soooooo considerate of the other person! When you go to a store and the price is $9.99. That is marketing...it is subconsciously more palatable to the consumer to see that it is "under" $10.00 rather than actually seeing the price tag as $10.00. Same kind of deal with breaking up...he is "marketing" himself as the "good guy" who is so concerned for your welfare, when really it is all about him and how he doesn't really want the relationship for whatever other reason that has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt you.

  3. #3
    tina-rocks
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    I have to say I am totally with CAD on this one..

    I'm so sorry if it hurts to hear but this is exactly how they behave when they no longer want to be with you.. It's their way of getting out of it without having the truth come out, but it is only about them not at all your feelings.

    Christina


    Quote Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs [Register to see the link]
    That is a BS excuse designed to make themselves feel better because it gives the appearance of them being soooooo considerate of the other person! When you go to a store and the price is $9.99. That is marketing...it is subconsciously more palatable to the consumer to see that it is "under" $10.00 rather than actually seeing the price tag as $10.00. Same kind of deal with breaking up...he is "marketing" himself as the "good guy" who is so concerned for your welfare, when really it is all about him and how he doesn't really want the relationship for whatever other reason that has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt you.

  4. #4
    headwreck
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    I would tend to agree with you but I had this out with one of my (female) friends this weekend.

    She broke up with her boyf in this way. She said she could see him falling and was scared it wouldn't work. It put too much pressure on her. They had loads in common, best friends etc...she said in a kind of perverse way it was because she cared about him she broke up....she said she had a gut feeling it might not work....after 3 months I call that fear....she could find nothing wrong with him, not one thing

    I told her she sounded like a commitment phobe Which I think she is...she says if she had met this particular guy in 5 years then maybe it would have worked, but at the moment she wants to see someone she doesn't care about....seriously I don't understand this!!!

    Told her it was no coincidence that when she first met him, she told me isn't it typical someone comes along when you want ot be single.
    I don't see the point in seeing someone for a few months if you don't want a relationship.

  5. #5
    headwreck
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    Quote Originally Posted by tina-rocks [Register to see the link]
    I have to say I am totally with CAD on this one..

    I'm so sorry if it hurts to hear but this is exactly how they behave when they no longer want to be with you.. It's their way of getting out of it without having the truth come out, but it is only about them not at all your feelings.

    Christina
    Oh i totally agree, I think it just calls into question WHY they don't want to be with you...

  6. #6
    tina-rocks
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    Sad as it is I know, it's because the feeling whatever they had has now gone...

    Why they can't just simply say it, as this would save so many from the "I love you but can't be with you anymore".. Or the "I don't want to hurt you but if I stay I know I will".

    Sorry but this is lame by anyones standards..

    Come out with it the way it is, as the pain from the truth is better then living with a lie that makes no sense.

    Christina

    Quote Originally Posted by headwreck [Register to see the link]
    Oh i totally agree, I think it just calls into question WHY they don't want to be with you...

  7. #7
    HeartGoesOn
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    This excuse is along the same lines as, "It's not you, it's me" or, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" which really means, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

    Please don't try to make excuses for her such as many do, by saying, "Oh, she's just confused."

    I'm sorry this happened to you, but you have no choice but to move on.

  8. #8
    shessofly
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    yeah, it's a bunch of bull. it's not true. that person for whatever reason, has checked out of the relationship and this is the easiest way for them to back out. "it's not you, it's me"...blah, blah, blah...

  9. #9
    Scoutconfuse
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    I disagree about the whole it's all about them thing, the selfish idea here. Obviously the guy dated you for a bit and found that you're not exactly it. You aren't what he's going to marry. Thats what dating is about, kinda like trial and error, finding the one you want to marry and spend a life time with. He could continue dating you, he likes you enough for that, but doesn't see a life long commitment there. What would be selfish is if he stayed with you, just to not be alone, he knows that it's a waste of your time. So, he could continue to be with somebody he knows he's not going to marry and let that person invest months or years of emotional feeling, only to break it off when he finds the one he wants to marry, that would be selfish. So he could stay with you, he likes you and like being around you, but doesn't love you, the scared of hurting you I think is pretty obvious that he's saying he's scared your going to invest more into him than he can in you. He could stay with you, but he knows he'll hurt you more later.

  10. #10
    headwreck
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    I actually agree Scout....

    Maybe I worded the OP wrongly, what I'm really getting at is people who use it as a way out of a relationship they are terrified or not ready for - which is the case for many people I know who have used it.....they run at the first doubt for fear of feeling guilt....normally these people are overly romantic (imo).however I'm sure it is used as a "it's not you it's me" line as well. Every circumstance is different I guess...

    My ex didn't actually use it, though I think he was scared of hurting me, he felt he hurt his ex before and history would repeat as he didn't want to marry.

    My ex ex did use it. I def think it was a i'm terrified of a rel. He was waking up with palpitations in the middle of the night b/c of worry about the 'pressure' of the rel... (we'd been seeing eachother 3 months!) But he'd had a horrifically bad breaj up before me.

    My friend who broke up for that reason, proceeded to get back with her ex a further 2 times but freaked out that it wouldn't work....not that it wasn't working but that it maybe wouldn't.

    I don't really know what my point is! Just that I wish people would always let a relationship run it's course and not run for fear of getting hurt or causing hurt...

    On the other hand I'm sure it is used as a line too....it kinda leave the door open and in 2 out of the 3 case above the exes wanted to stay best friends with the dumpee

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