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Five weeks of dating steadily, he only calls once or twice a week: is this normal/OK/good?


citymouse

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I've been dating this guy for five or six weeks. Last Saturday was our seventh date I think. We have decided to be exclusive and he says he wants to be with me long term. We have not been to bed yet but there has been some heavy necking.

 

We have the most amazing time together, usually when we see each other on weekends. At the end of each date, he always asks me out again for the following week.

 

But then I don't hear from him again until Tuesday or Wednesday. He'll call and we'll talk on the phone for 10 or 15 minutes, just some chitchat,and that's that.

 

I know I'm probably being needy and clingy, but I am dying for more contact from him. I adore it when a man calls all the time, at least every other day. It pushes my buttons and makes me feel closer to him. I'm trying not to get obsessed. I think of him all the time despite my best attempts to stay busy with other things.

 

I would like some perspective here -- what do you guys think -- am I being unreasonable for wanting him to call more often at this stage?

 

This honestly is making me hold back from sleeping with him.... I keep thinking, what if I go to bed with him and then he doesn't call me for three days? I probably would want to throw myself off a building. (Only half exaggerating here... ugh!)

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You could just call him, the guy I'm seeing does the same thing, we'll spend time together on the weekend then I won't hear from him til the middle of the week. Some guys are afraid to seem too clingy, others just have busy lives. Don't be afraid to call him yourself, maybe if you call him more it would encourage him to do the same?

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I found some guys arn't 'phone people'. Do you text at all?

 

when i first started going out with my boyfriend, we would chat a bit online, there might only be a few texts through out the week but never a phone call. it took him like 4 months to actually call me on the phone! he doens't like speaking on phones. And when he does its usually fairly quick. But, he would always keep his weekends free and we'd always do something.

 

Its goood sign that you've agreed to be exclusive etc. Have you thought about contacting him more? Or maybe bring it up in a joking way that you love to hear from the man your dating more than once/twice a week! he may not want to appear to eager or clingy!

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We don't text or email.

 

I am going to call him tomorrow night (if he doesn't beat me to the punch) to let him know I got the concert tickets we talked about, and also to thank him again for such a wonderful time last Saturday....

 

I hope I don't get flamed for saying this, but I just hesitate to call him because over and over again it has been my experience that when you start calling a guy, it drives him away.

 

Things have been working out so great (otherwise) so far, I don't want to break the spell by telling him I have this need for him to call me more often. I would rather just suck it up -- and get some feedback here.

 

 

I'm just wondering if this normal/typical flow in a healthy relationship that has lasting power. I really don't want to mess things up with this guy. He is really special.

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You could just call him, the guy I'm seeing does the same thing, we'll spend time together on the weekend then I won't hear from him til the middle of the week.

 

Haze are you and this guy semi-serious? Like is this just someone you've started dating or are you involved/exclusive? Do you feel secure in the relationship or do you wish he called more? Just curious because I'm seriously wondering if there is something wrong with my perspective. Thanks!

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I am surprised that you guys don't text. Is he adverse to texting?

 

My ex and I talked maybe about 1-2 times a week when we first went out (during our first month). At that time, texting wasn't really known. It was also hard to talk because he lived at home (and didn't have a cell phone) and if we chatted for a longer period of time, he was always constantly being interrupted by the parents who needed to use the phone.

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I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting him to call more often, but I also don't think it's abnormal or bad that he has not been calling more often. I don't think it is particularly indicative of his interest.

 

I personally would rather not chat on the phone with someone that I am not seriously dating yet, or just seeing once a week or so. I'd. much rather save the conversation for when we date each other, and I find the phone socially taxing, as speaking with someone I'm not very close to yet makes me quite anxious.

 

As others have said, why don't you call him, or make the other conversations last longer? He might just be trying not to be too over-eager, and would welcome an increase in phone time.

 

He might also not be a phone person - I'm not. Why don't you try to see him twice a week now that you two are exclusive?

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Haze are you and this guy semi-serious? Like is this just someone you've started dating or are you involved/exclusive? Do you feel secure in the relationship or do you wish he called more? Just curious because I'm seriously wondering if there is something wrong with my perspective. Thanks!

 

We've been seeing each other for almost 5 months technically, although we recently had a break but that had to do with something completely different. But yeah, we're serious now and he still doesn't call much. I agree that its just kind of a guy thing =P

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I am surprised that you guys don't text. Is he adverse to texting?

 

.

 

No, I think in our case it's a dinosaur issue. I'm 48, he's 51 -- we just don't text. None of my friends text... it's just a generational thing at least among the people I know.

 

Maybe he is getting frustrated there is no sex? Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying sleep with him if you are not ready, but it is a natural part of a relationship and maybe it's bothering him?

 

 

 

I think he is frustrated. He says he wants to wait until I'm ready but he's made it pretty clear that he is raring to go in that direction.

 

It seems to me though that the frustration would drive him to call me more often? To draw closer? I'm not putting him off entirely in that area. I mean on Saturday night we took things pretty far, although no clothes were shed... I mean not to get too graphic but... each time we see each other, we go a little further. We've already discussed birth control, etc. .... I think he knows it's just a matter of time.

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Sounds like he is taking it slow rather than rushing full speed ahead. That's great. I think people nowadays want instant relationship and constant communication from the get go that when things slack off because the pace at the beginning was too intense, they start getting worried. The two of you are moving slowly and building the relationship. Perhaps you can take it up a notch by calling him..I am sure he would like if you took the initiative to call rather than just waiting for him. He wants to be exclusive with you so that's good.

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I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting him to call more often, but I also don't think it's abnormal or bad that he has not been calling more often. I don't think it is particularly indicative of his interest.

 

 

Thank you, Sophie. It just really helps to get some outside opinions on this 'cause I feel so confused.

 

Why don't you try to see him twice a week now that you two are exclusive?

 

Well, last Saturday he told me he thinks of me all week long (and I'm thinking: if you think of me all week long then why don't you call me? But I would never dream of saying a thing like that to him....)

 

He said he would like us to start getting together in the middle of the week too -- to start seeing each other twice a week. Unfortunately this is a completely insane week at work for me... really crazy --- I told him this week is bad for me but next week we could get together mid-week. So, that is another good sign I guess. We're already booked up for the next two weekends, and he signed us up for cooking classes through the end of March, and these cooking classes are not cheap, I might add. He also asked me what kind of jewelry I like (but I gave a vague answer because I don't want to get swept up or seem like a golddigger) ...So it seems like he's serious.

 

 

The only bad thing about EH is he could be talking to other "matches" and you won't know it. You can't check.

 

True... I've thought the same thing. I've wondered if maybe he's telling me all of these wonderful things while secretly continuing to hunt for Ms. Right. And that maybe any day now, I'll be dumped cold. That is my greatest fear, especially after that train wreck relationship I had that went bad last fall.

 

All I have to go on is that a couple of weeks ago, when he asked me out for Valentine's Day, he said he was "worried" that someone else might have asked me out already. I said no, and he said he thought I might be seeing other guys. I told him I had been but that I had been cutting all of that loose. He then said that he wasn't online much anymore either.

 

All I can do is trust and pray. And try not to get too obsessed with him too soon.....

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Sounds like he is taking it slow rather than rushing full speed ahead. That's great. I think people nowadays want instant relationship and constant communication from the get go that when things slack off because the pace at the beginning was too intense, they start getting worried. The two of you are moving slowly and building the relationship. Perhaps you can take it up a notch by calling him..I am sure he would like if you took the initiative to call rather than just waiting for him. He wants to be exclusive with you so that's good.

 

 

Thanks CAD. I agree with what you are saying... I mean I guess I'm torn. I have this insecure part of me that I am struggling with. Yet at the same time I wince when I think of several disastrous relationships I've had --- calling them relationships is actually quite generous--- where we rush-rush-rushed as if relationships were fast food. Relationships where the guy came on strong fast with the calls and declarations of whatever.... only to go poof or I was toyed with like a yo-yo for months or years.

 

Here I've found a guy who wants to build things slowly and surely, who's done nothing but treat me with respect from the get-go, and I react by dwelling on my need to be constantly patted and reassured. I want to be smart about this.... and not turn my neediness into his problem. I'm so sick of making stupid mistakes with men.

 

 

 

Citymouse, I understand about the texting thing. Do you guys email at all? When I dated my ex, texting was virtually unknown and we kept in touch via phone and email (when we didn't see each other).

 

Well, we emailed through E-harmony, but we don't have each others' private email addresses... yet. I'm sure we'll get around to it at some point. Email is a good idea though.

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