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Thread: Time to move on? Need advice please

  1. #1

    Time to move on? Need advice please

    Hi all,

    I had met a girl at an online dating site in early November, we have spent a lot of time talking on the phone and texting via ph and facebook. She is 29 and I am 34. We share many interests, and had long long conversations throughout getting to know each other. I live in about a 2 hour drive from her, and we both decided to meet up - our time together was great, we went to the movies, and then when I said that I may have to leave now (late afternoon) she suggested that she didn't want me to go yet, and offered me to stay at her place. We were a little shy around each other and watched movies together - she kept hinting at me that she wanted to be closer to me, so I suggested that she shared the fold out bed that she had placed for me. She quickly accepted and we enjoyed each other without going too far with things. It was actually really nice. We slept together that night, (slept as in sleep - not sex).

    After I returned home, she seemed very intent on me being more exclusive with her, and we both decided to take down our online profiles. She then about a week later started to seem a bit distant - texts being shorter, replies taking longer to come back, no voice conversations etc. I felt confused and was able to muster up the courage to ask her if everything was ok between us, outlining what I had just mentioned. She then told me that she has been having trouble with the father of her child, and would need to go through the courts and her brother has recently gotten back in touch with her consuming a lot of her time as he is going through a really rough patch. And that is why she hasn't been so interactive with me. This is just a detailed background for you guys to make things a little easier for you to help me understand what is going on here. She had been (before this awkward week) been saying "I wish you were here right now" which has since stopped. We would be normally making plans for me to return to see her again. This also tonight has led to me asking her where we stand as best as I could and I would appreciate if someone here could make more sense out of what may be happening. Here is our conversation : PS - I sincerely apologise for the length of this and am very grateful to anyone who can find the time to read it. It would mean a lot to me.

    Me : Well i don't mean to sound selfish, but does this mean it's a bad time to try to see you at all? Like i mean in the next few weeks. I'm nit sure where to go with this from here lol. And sorry you'd replied a few times before my grandpa fingers could get this out
    And thats fine i understand.
    😋

    Her : This is what makes me sad... I know it's selfish for me to do these things I need and expect you to just get less than you deserve only because I do want to keep going with things. But I don't want to hurt you or make you feel like I were drifting away. I know how I would feel and I have thought about this. I would feel say and prob be paranoid and everything

    Even though I know what's going on in my world you know what's going on in yours. It would be the same if this were all flipped too
    Idk it makes me sad
    But I won't have as much time as I planned
    Over the next month or 2
    Not saying you can't come up of course that will be diff but looking at a phone has been hard for me
    And when I get on the PC (when being the keyword >.>) I want to seem to just be there for Jessy
    And I want to for you also
    He is just young and scared and alone
    So I choose to be with him

    Me : Well this is a lot to take in.
    Umm i don't expect you to choose me over your family ever. Lol. But yeah there are times i feel like you aren't making time for me. Which sucks and makes me sad.


    Her : Yeah I would feel that way too
    As you have prob seen

    Me : Although you have a lot going on and i understand it
    I dont understand this you said :
    Not saying you can't come up of course that will be diff but looking at a phone has been hard for me


    Her : Yes cause I have a lot going on from people
    It's like chatter
    All the time
    From diff directions
    Many issues
    And I seem to not be able to be on the phone as much
    Like Dom will be talking
    Mum will be talking
    Dad will be talking
    Jessy will be talking
    So I have to like keep jumping around
    Doms dad talking, wow is like everyone talking
    Idk just chatter from every direction and I'm trying to figure it out all the time

    Me : Yeah. Craziness! But you're a good person and seem to care a lot. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up on you since it's not just a simple case of "i like you - like you may hear from guys often" but since theres something more here i feel. Not many people get me or understand me. You seem to. Thats special to me. Idk. We'll see what happens
    This happens in peoples lives often and making time for everyone can be hard


    Her : I just don't want to hurt you
    Cause I would feel lonely
    Like I said
    But I do try

    Me : I know you do. It's ok. If you're sure you will then i understand and I'll move on. Or even if you just don't think that I'm someone you'd want - either way I'd rather know than sit here looking forward to seeing you and it not really be reciprocated. I don't want to take up too much time here either.
    So yoy can get back to your brother lol


    Her : No it's ok I will in a sec
    I will tell you if I don't think things will work
    I'm honest with you now even
    Telling you my selfish side and how this could effect you
    And how I have thought about it
    Atm I do feel everythigbi have said
    And your response made me happy
    I'm just idk I don't want to make you sad
    I care about you
    And everything you're going through
    And please if you are getting sad let me know

    Me : I will let you know if I'm sad. I do already. I just .. I'm not hard to keep happy. All i need to know is that you want me, enjoy your time with me and not paranoid. All you'd have to do is let me know how you feel. And I'd be fine if you're busy. I would want to visit you of course. I'm a very affectionate person.

    Her : Well I do care about you a lot and I do always enjoy you. Never think me being away if because of something else to do with me not enjoying you or anything

    Me : I'd be the same for you too. With what I said. Since you are similar to me like that.
    So i don't know when is a good time so I'll stop asking for now. I don't want to put more pressure on you than you have now. But if you want me to come see you, say so. And I'll come. You're fantastic to me and you're going through a spot. I get it. Just w/o going around in circles if you don't want me at any stage then just tell me lol. I'm sure you'd want the same.


    Her : Yeah I would and I will. I do want to see you again it was so good

    Me : I hope you won't have to lol. But yes nothing worse than wanting something that isn't happening on one side. It was really good to see you and I miss you a lot. It meant a lot to me that we slept together as well. Idk just means something to me.
    Anyhow. I'll talk to you soon. I'll be on the game


    Her : Oks ❤ thank you for the talk

    Me : You too


    Summary : I do not know if it's time to walk away from this situation, like if she's trying to let me down lightly I can't tell. Maybe someone here can give me the insight I may need to help me through this. I'm refusing to date other women or even really talk to ones interested in me even though we are not together, and I don't want to waste my time if she is really just not that into me. Thank you so much again.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    I think I would just fade and see what she does with that. Seems like she isn't interested in working to build more of this, no matter the reason.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she doesn't sound ready to date no less have a relationship if she is already telling you all about her baby daddy drama, courts, psycho ex, family drama excuses, etc..

    It's only been a few weeks of dating so don't get strung along or drawn into the drama. Cut your losses and don't be a rebound or backup plan.
    Originally Posted by cctoomuch
    I had met a girl at an online dating site in early November.She then told me that she has been having trouble with the father of her child, and would need to go through the courts

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Really long winded way of telling you she isn't interested in continuing with you. Too much drama, too much going on, etc, etc, etc. Thing is that she is the center of that vortex and the common denominator. So, as already suggested do a slow fade and keep on looking for a girl who is in a healthy place in life emotionally and otherwise. A person in a healthy place can be busy up to their eyeballs and still maintain and build healthy relationships. So please do yourself a favor and don't fall for the "oh busy, drama, so much going on I just can't" bs. It really is bs, but the kind of bs you can't challenge. When you hear it, exit stage left and get on with your life.

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  6. #5
    Thanks guys. I really appreciate your time on this. I feel that this is solid advice. I sent her this after contemplating what your and some close friends of mine's advice. :


    hey I'm sorry to say, but I've had some time to re-read our conversations, and talked to a few close friends about it. They have said that
    you can't be that interested in me from what they can tell (also, I kept your privacy in mind so they only know some details not who you are or anything else like that).

    They'd said that you don't seem like you want to build anything more with me. Also, it is the feeling I agree with since, I would never act this way to someone I was genuinely interested in - even if I was crazy busy, I would find time for them. So, sadly, I think I'll just find someone that is interested or at least in the way I require to feel desirable.
    It breaks my heart to say this, but I even feel as though you'd rather it came from me or something. I liked it when we would actually hang out. But a LDR and almost no contact / playing together is just too much to deal with. I can understand being their for your family over everything else. And agree with that. But since your brother has come back, you have no time for anything. I get the impression that would not wind down either.

    I would have thought you could have time with him, and surely he would understand that there are other people you may want to spend time with? But this is just it - it sends a message that you're not interested. And you're right it does hurt. I liked you more about a week ago - then you changed so much. I don't mean/want to add stress to you, I feel as though me walking away would have almost no negative impact anyway since we barely hang out anymore.

    When I like someone, and I truly want to make a go of it, I do a lot to make it known, and put a fair amount of effort into that person. If I don't really care, or half heartedly like someone, I do similar to how you're acting now. It could very well be bad timing. Idk. But I don't want to be in a situation where I feel like I'm the only one interested enough. And I feel like you're hoping I get sick of this and just move on. In fact, you changed since that night I deleted my ex and was overly forward with you. You were way more interested in me before that happened. I went through convos we had both on wow and on here before and shortly after then.

    So honestly, if that is the reason, or at least part of it then all good. It's a shame though, since I don't think you really got to know me. I don't feel this is how anyone that liked someone would act. And you keep saying you don't want to hurt me - like you know you're going to or something. It kinda feels like you are getting to know someone else since when I message you on wow it feels like I'm bothering you. Sorry I didn'think I would feel this way, but yeah.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you block her, all this drama would disappear like magic.

    [IMG] ]

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    In the future, maybe don't send that. Write it out if you must to get things off your chest, but then hit the delete button and simply move on. No reason to vent and guilt someone for not being into you. You are opening yourself up for an argument and more drama and worst of all, for getting strung along longer. Like she can totally come at you with tears and telling you how much she loves you and how could you possibly think she is not into you, blah blah blah..... So you will get strung along for what? Another month, two, three, six? Truly, avoid drama going forward and just step away quietly. If you are lucky, she'll read it, roll her eyes and delete and never contact you again....

    Also.....way too bitter man. You've barely met. Too much too soon for such emotions.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by cctoomuch
    Thanks guys. I really appreciate your time on this. I feel that this is solid advice. I sent her this after contemplating what your and some close friends of mine's advice. :


    hey I'm sorry to say, but I've had some time to re-read our conversations, and talked to a few close friends about it. They have said that
    you can't be that interested in me from what they can tel
    l
    (also, I kept your privacy in mind so they only know some details not who you are or anything else like that).

    They'd said that you don't seem like you want to build anything more with me. Also, it is the feeling I agree with since, I would never act this way to someone I was genuinely interested in - even if I was crazy busy, I would find time for them. So, sadly, I think I'll just find someone that is interested or at least in the way I require to feel desirable.
    It breaks my heart to say this, but I even feel as though you'd rather it came from me or something. I liked it when we would actually hang out. But a LDR and almost no contact / playing together is just too much to deal with. I can understand being their for your family over everything else. And agree with that. But since your brother has come back, you have no time for anything. I get the impression that would not wind down either.

    I would have thought you could have time with him, and surely he would understand that there are other people you may want to spend time with? But this is just it - it sends a message that you're not interested. And you're right it does hurt. I liked you more about a week ago - then you changed so much. I don't mean/want to add stress to you, I feel as though me walking away would have almost no negative impact anyway since we barely hang out anymore.

    When I like someone, and I truly want to make a go of it, I do a lot to make it known, and put a fair amount of effort into that person. If I don't really care, or half heartedly like someone, I do similar to how you're acting now. It could very well be bad timing. Idk. But I don't want to be in a situation where I feel like I'm the only one interested enough. And I feel like you're hoping I get sick of this and just move on. In fact, you changed since that night I deleted my ex and was overly forward with you. You were way more interested in me before that happened. I went through convos we had both on wow and on here before and shortly after then.

    So honestly, if that is the reason, or at least part of it then all good. It's a shame though, since I don't think you really got to know me. I don't feel this is how anyone that liked someone would act. And you keep saying you don't want to hurt me - like you know you're going to or something. It kinda feels like you are getting to know someone else since when I message you on wow it feels like I'm bothering you. Sorry I didn'think I would feel this way, but yeah.
    Good grief, that was one of the most presumptuous and condescending texts I have read in a long time.

    So essentially you played the victim and laid a total guilt trip on her because you (and your friends) assume she's not interested in you, and then you went on to lecture her as to why and the proper way to interact when you're interested in someone.

    Not cool imho, but whatevs, what's done is done.

    But going forward, it's best to take responsibility for your OWN feelings and what you want, not lay a guilt trip on her or proceed to lecture her about the proper way to interact when interested in someone (whether it's true or not it's NOT your place to lecture her about it - your text sounded very condescending, overly needy and way over the top).

    It's not her fault that she's so crazy busy and/or not as into you as you want or need.

    When things don't go your way, especially THIS early on, it's best to simply say "I thought about everything we discussed and realize this is not the right situation for me. Good luck with your life, and wish you the best."

    Then block, delete and move on.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 12-12-2016 at 02:57 PM.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Good grief, that was one of the most presumptuous and condescending texts I have read in a long time.

    So essentially you played the victim and laid a total guilt trip on her because you (and your friends) assume she's not interested in you, and then you went on to lecture her as to why and the proper way to interact when you're interested in someone.

    Not cool imho, but whatevs, what's done is done.

    But going forward, it's best to take responsibility for your OWN feelings and what you want, not lay a guilt trip on her or proceed to lecture her about the proper way to interact when interested in someone (whether it's true or not it's NOT your place to lecture her about it - your text sounded very condescending, overly needy and way over the top).

    It's not her fault that she's so crazy busy and/or not as into you as you want or need.

    When things don't go your way, especially THIS early on, it's best to simply say "I thought about everything we discussed and realize this is not the right situation for me. Good luck with your life, and wish you the best."

    Then block, delete and move on.

    You'd play the victim too if you knew the facts, and they are that she initially expected me to drop everything for her. So, your over criticism is a little loud to say the least. I (at her request) gave away many other opportunities and gave her too much too soon - AT HER REQUEST. So forgive me for actually trying to give her what she wanted initially and then flipping that on me like it meant nothing to her. When someone wants to see you they make effort, and there's no point in letting this generic response which you seem to think is suffice of "Oh you don't give me what I need" as an acceptable ender, how about actually giving them some insight as to what they did wrong in this situation? Or should it be better to let them squall-er in unrest and doubt? Like really, when someone wants you to commit to them and then they flip and have no time for you after you do that, I think it is more than appropriate to extend your feelings as to why they are not meeting your needs - both for yourself and them. Anyway, thanks again.

    Edit : On a side note, people come here for SUPPORT, and yes that would mean criticism too, but you seem to sound far too personal for that to be believable. Perhaps it's been a while since you've felt the way I do right now. Yes I have known her a short time, but does that mean I could not have developed a bond with her? Are you assuming that too? Like holy balls, people are down and you kick them in the face.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by cctoomuch
    You'd play the victim too if you knew the facts, and they are that she initially expected me to drop everything for her. So, your over criticism is a little loud to say the least. I (at her request) gave away many other opportunities and gave her too much too soon - AT HER REQUEST.
    You're well within your right to feel anger and disappointment. But consider what gets accomplished by expressing that to someone you claim to have feelings for? If you had any chance ever in the future with this woman, you totally blew it with this passive-aggressive rant. Owe up to it. This wasn't about moving on. It was a cleverly disguised final assault in a war you lost. You're only adding to the level of drama.

    It is more attractive, and better for you, to calmly accept rejection and just move on.

    It's a tough break, and I'm sorry it didn't turn out for you. But trust me, walk away showing character and strength. Never follow a scorched Earth policy.

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