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Thread: Realistic Ways of Thinking of How to Get Back Together - SuperDave71

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Diagonal's Avatar
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    You do NOTHING based on INSTINCT...you do it after gaging your situation carefully
    Always change for the better for you.....NEVER someone else in order to be loved.
    Well put.

  2. #12
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    A truly excellent post. Thank you.

  3. #13
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    Super Dave,

    I appreciate your thread both old and new.

    I followed your NC to a tee. My ex left me for someone else. But I had a major problem that screwed me. We were in a 6 yr relationship. After about 3 months she started to come back. Left the guy she was with because she missed me.

    During our time apart, I did some major reflections on what went wron,g I was able to fix those issues. However, during those 3 months I did alot of writing, bought her cards, wrote love letters, letters that said what I felt I did wrong. But I never sent them based on all of the advice.

    When she came back, I let her come back too easily. I let her know that I felt I played some role in the breakup. That I was not witout fault. Anyway She found everything I wrote. Nothing angry, nothing negative. But once she found those thing she changed. She no longer wanted to come back. She ended up going back to the guys she left me for. N

    This was 1 month ago. I just recently got a letter from her that she still misses me. But she fights it, blames her missing me on regret, guilt for what she did to me and how she treated me. She still tells me she loves me. But is afraid to try again for fear things won,t work.

    I dont know at this point?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SuperDave71's Avatar
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    Dumped,

    Whether she found your writings or not doesn't make a difference in her decision. It's her OWN. If you want her back, don't give into to her idea that you would EASILY let her back in.

    You have to stand your moral ground. Do you need her or do you WANT her? There is a big difference. When you answer the question, ask yourself why? She sounds as if she wants you but knows you are still there so she can do what she wants and you will be left waiting for her when she is through... is this love? Is this the woman you wait for?

    Use that backbone of yours to put a stop to letting someone pull your strings. You are not a puppet. Cut the strings and start acting like the man you are.


    Enough is enough.....love is love but allowing yourself into settling for someone else's "GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO STICK AROUND"...is another.



    Cut her loose




    -SuperDave71

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  6. #15
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    I've been hanging around here for a while, and seems this thread is closest to my position.

    Dated her for 3 years; I'm 15 years older than her; she has a young son; she was separated from her H when we met. She always told me I was 'the one' and to believe, it was just a matter of time, she had no intentions of going back to the H, she just couldn't figure out the impact on her son, in spite of the dad totally disconnected. He stayed with a friend and would come and go at his convenience.

    We were completely connected, always told me the age diff was nothing to her, in fact she thought it was attractive and sexy that we were on the same plane in a lot of ways, culturally, socially, spiritually, etc. Anyway, I've been divorced 10 years, dated quite a bit during that time, and NEVER met anyone like her. We talked 3-4 times a day, met whenever we could, etc, it was all very good.

    Her plan was to file for D, move out a while with her son, let him acclimate, I'd still be around but not cohabitating too. That sounded like the right thing to me. She wrote me a letter in July to say she found what she lacked her whole life and wanted us to be married, etc. I completely agreed with her. We were even looking at homes, for us, in a year or so. I never pushed her, all her idea.

    Come Sept 09, she starts acting differently, not answering the phone as often, not stopping by on her way to/from work (is a bartender at a nice restaurant just down the street from my home). If I asked, she would just say the pressure of the impending D was getting to her, so I tried to roll with her on that.

    Then, one night I go over to the restaurant around the time she'd be getting off her shift. Usually, we'd have a drink or something to eat, maybe come back here for a while, then she'd go home. i walk in and she is already off, but sitting at the bar with a dude, her age, bad boy biker type. She is very close, laughing, etc with him. I was surprised when she didn't get right up to kiss me, say hi or anything, she just kept talking to him.

    Finally, she says 'this is my friend -----' and then just introduces me as my name, no friend, nothing. I just walked out figuring she'd come over to my place. Nothing, no call, no text, nothing. 2 days later, a text saying it isn't what I think. I reply, "then, tell me what it IS".

    As time went on, and I pressed for an explanation, it ends up she dated him before she got married, he dumped her for someone else, he got married. Now he's divorced, has 2 kids her son's age.

    She says she met him again at a friend's funeral back in March 09. Went to his house a few times over the summer so her son could play with kids his age, and THAT'S ALL it is. Things got more and more strained but we kept seeing each other. I could never figure out why she never mentioned him over the summer. Bad gut feeling on this.

    Finally end of October, she rents a house, is moving out. I tell her I'll be there to help her move in, etc. She tells me has help. I ask who? It's the bad ass. I'm blown away. Not surprised, but totally blown away. She says she just can't be in a commited relationship right now.

    For the last two months, I stop in the place now and then when she's working. Last weekend, she smiles, comes around the bar, gives me a big hug and kiss, whispers that she misses me, still loves me. But always, just leaves when she gets off work. I've invited her to go somewhere for a quick drink before she heads home, and she declines. Still doesn't answer the phone or return my call. I only call maybe once every week or two. It's too painful to not get a reply, so i haven't tried at all the last 7 days. Nothing from her.

    All of our mutual friends at the restaurant have told her I'm the guy for her, they've told me he has no job, been arrested a bunch of times for DUI, drugs, etc. That she must be using him for watching her son. I have my own business, financially set.

    I want back. Don't know if I should just disappear or fight for her, let her know how much I want to be with her. Sorry this is so long, hope this isn't robbing your thread, but the topic was what I've been searching for.

    Thanks for any advice.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SuperDave71's Avatar
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    Sadchitownguy,


    Put yourself in her shoes...Do you feel she would do the same for you?



    If not, you have your answer....


    -SuperDave71

  8. #17
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    SD,
    "would she do the same for me?" If you mean would she fight to get back with me, I'd have to say, for the almost 3 years up until Oct/Nov, I would have emphatically said 'yes'. She told me the reason she backed away from me was because I was jealous of her seeing this guy back then. She didn't like that, my defense was, it wasn't unfounded. She changed before I saw them together, my gut told me something was going on.

    But, if I put myself in her shoes now, apparently the answer is no. It's hurtful to think about her, when I call, and she sees it's me, what is going through her head to not pick it up. And, to never call me back.

    Then the confusion comes when I stop by at her work, and she smiles, says "Hi Babe", hugs me, laughs with me, gives me "that look" when she's mixing drinks, tells me what a tough time she's having with money, difficulty with the divorce, etc etc.

    I just want to ask her then why the hell is she with this guy? But I won't. So, I always leave wondering what is going on in her head.

    To your original post on this thread...I'm killing myself trying to figure out... if I do nothing, just go total NC, will she think I don't care anymore? On the other hand, she isn't initiating any contact with me, so...I guess that's the answer. She's doing what she wants and I can't do anything about that.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SuperDave71's Avatar
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    Have you ever forgot about anyone you loved before just because you were not there?


    You have your answer...



    The truth be told that you do NOT WANT HER to forget about you.



    -SuperDave71

  10. #19
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    Good point. No, I haven't forgotten past loves, but for whatever reasons, I/they didn't want to stay in touch after the break.
    No, truth is, I do not want her to forget about me. This one was too good, when we had it together.
    Thanks

  11. #20
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    Super Dave,

    Do you advocate NC or LC after a second breakup where he's saying to me he's confused and doesn't know if he can ever see it working (said the same thing a year ago but we got back together). I don't want to do complete NC and let him fade away but it's like he needs to see me gone to realize what he has...I think he thinks I'll always let him back in...it's only been a week

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