Climbing back up.

I always considered myself a strong woman. I knew who I was and wasn't afraid of it. But after a year and a half of depression and anxiety that began with a fallout with my family who began to believe I was a skank, a failure, and an emotional basket case, I'm starting to realize that I'm not the strong woman I once thought I was.

It's embarrassing to look back and realize how I acted during all of this. In a lot of ways, I was mature. But the whole ordeal did completely break me. I was so over-emotional at times... I did and said some crazy stuff, mostly directed at myself. I almost made a few really bad decisions, like breaking up with my SO, because I didn't think I was good enough for anything. Things are going better with my family, and with life, but something is still bothering me, and I couldn't figure out what it was for a long time.

Then it hit me. I don't respect myself. I think I'm a good person, but I don't think I'm good at being a person. I don't take myself seriously in anything. I don't know how much of this lack of respect is legitimate (that I need to hop up, stop being so emotional, get out of the negative thought patterns I have, and it will all go away) and how much of it is me setting the standards too high when I really just need to accept myself as who I am. I think it's a bit of both.

So that's what this journal is about... life and other things... I need to find a way to respect myself again, because right now I feel like a blob of weakness squirming around trying to accomplish things. And it's not working for me.

I think the hardest part about the whole thing is the way I feel around my fiance. He saw me through my very worst, and he stuck around. So I know he loves me. I know he'll be there forever. But after I acted that way for so long, I feel like he doesn't respect me as much as he used to either. And that kills me. And I don't know if it plays into the fact that I don't feel like I'm good enough for him or not.

It's hard for me to talk about it to him, because my getting emotional about myself scares him. He's scared it's going to go back to the way it was before. He is so calm and collected all the time. He doesn't let things get to him. He doesn't panic the way I do. He doesn't get frustrated the way I do.

I feel before if I got frustrated or felt hurt, he took it seriously. Now, I get the feeling he thinks, "Oh no. Not this again. My silly, childish fiance needs my help." I don't know if that is true or not, but I think that it has some truth to it though probably not as much as it feels. But that makes his attempts to comfort me feel like he's being condescending, even if he isn't. Now when he says, "Stay calm..." I hear, "Please don't freak out again, you crazy person." I hear, "Your emotions are completely invalid, so please get rid of them." And I don't know how much of that is me and how much of it is him.

Part of my problem is that I'm scared I'm going to turn into my mother. She is a very vindictive person, and very passive aggressive. For instance, when I first got engaged, she didn't yell at me or cuss me out. Rather, she said in a spiteful, condescending tone, "Are you pregnant?" She knew that would hurt me more. She later apologized for it, and while I'm glad she apologized, she admitted at that time that she didn't think I was pregnant at all... she had said it with the sole intention of hurting me.

I know I am naturally very similar to my mother. I was very passive aggressive growing up, until I realized how much I hated the way she would guilt me into doing things that way. She always plays the victim... and she plays that role so well, she herself believes it. And there have been times in my life where it's scared me how well I've played the victim... so I think I overcompensate at times. Instead of blaming other people, I shunt all of the blame, anger, and hate I feel onto myself. But it feels like no matter what I do, I'm turning into her anyway. She went through a time of depression and anxiety in college, as did I. And I still struggle with being passive-aggressive as much as I try not to. It's when I feel out of control or slighted, usually. I still have a temper, and worst of all, I still feel like I'm completely worthless. My mother is on anxiety medication, and I'm scared to go talk to a doctor about my anxiety because I'm worried he'll prescribe me medication too... and then I'll know I'm crazy, and I'll know I'm just like my mother...

Just another mind vomit. Rough day today for some reason. Some days I feel so successful and so put-together and so beautiful and so on top of the world... and then other days, I feel like this...

*sigh* Can't sleep. I'm just lying in bed, completely tense with my stomach churning. I hate nights like this. I know I'm tired... if I just lay there long enough I'd go to sleep. But with nothing else to occupy my time, lying there is pretty miserable because I can't forget how needlessly and inexplicably anxious I am.

I think I'll go upstairs and get Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. I'll pop it into my computer and fall asleep to that.

I'm feeling better today. I don't know what got into me yesterday. Some days are like that, I guess.

Anyway, I've got a busy day today. It'll be nice. I'm finishing up my internship today, then I'm heading off to the bank, then to the bookstore to buy this semester's books (I'm hoping I'll drop less than $150 on them, as I already have some of them), then to the museum, then to work. As mind-numbing and pointless as my job is (I sell programs at university basketball games), it's sometimes nice to be forced out of the house.

Maybe I'll clean the house today, too. The living room is a mess.

I'm a bit of a writer. I'm not a terrific writer, but every once in a while, the mood hits me and I'll pop out a poem or churn out a non-fiction piece. Studying literature will do that to you. One thing I've noticed is that even though I have had plenty of intensely happy moments in my life, my poetry/writing in general tends to be rather depressing.

I think I figured out why a few weeks ago. I think that sadness and pain are definable. They are understandable. But in the moments where I'm happiest and where I'm most alive, the feelings are so intense I can't describe them with words, nor would I really want to. It might take something away from the experience. I had an experience like that the other day. Emerson would say I became a transparent eyeball. I would almost agree with him. If there was ever a time I was transcendent, this was it.

B and I were at the beach for his parents' anniversary party, and we decided to go for a walk by the ocean. We both took our shoes off like we always do when we are on a beach, despite the fact that it was January, and we were at a cold beach. No California coast for us! So it was the middle of the night, and we decided to go back inside after a fairly short walk because, not surprisingly, we were getting cold. Right before I put my shoes back on, I looked at him and said, "No... I can't go to the beach and not get into the ocean at all."

So I turned around and ran down the beach towards the water. I love the way sand feels when you are running on it, especially when the sand is cold. That's another thing I've spent hours trying to describe with words and never been able to. I ran until I was at the very edge of the ocean, with a wave flowing up the beach towards me. It hit my feet and flowed around my feet and ankles. And at that point, I saw the ocean and felt the water and something happened. It was like something reached inside of me and turned me inside out so that everything I was was exposed to the entire universe. It was connectedness and life and freedom all experienced within the infinity that the sight of the of the ocean brings on. It was an eternal moment.

I could never write about it, at least not in a poetic way that claims to truly capture the moment. The moment lives inside of me, and as much as I wish everyone in the world could experience the exact same thing, I know that a description of it from my point of view would never accomplish that.

I need to go to the ocean more. I need to live by the ocean when it comes time to settle down.

Oh man our mothers sound like they could be sisters.

That's pretty much what my mom said when she found out about my fiancé. But my mom only apologies once to me, for as long as I lived.

I am glade your mom apologies, it really hurts inside when you hear it from your own mom I know.

I hope everyday I don't turn into my mother. But when I yell I hear her... it kills me a little inside. With my anxiety attacks I know when they are coming and try to contain it as much as I could, but it is hard too when I am fighting with my fiancé. My grandmother had the same thing and she died of "stress". I been having stress issues like her. My grandfather (a BAD MAN) killed my grandmother with the stress he cause to her as my fiancée is doing to me. I got a whole body rash last year due to stress and had it for the whole year. Guess who caused it...

Now I think I am suffering from depression because I couldn't really leave the house all year. It was bad.

I can't say I totally sympathize with you. But I feel like it just felt similar.

Your fiancé sounds like a good man and I can see how you might feel baby by him. I think every man would like to think there fiancé/ gf/ wife is silly in some way. Girls like to fuss over things ,well at least most of us do. =D

I know it's hard to talk to him and about your feelings but maybe you should put some time aside and have one good talk/cry with him. Talk about your feelings even, if it makes you cry. Just tell him how you feel.

Good luck!

I have not written in a long time but I USE to love to write. I need to go back to medical school and I need to get back into writing. So I think keeping a journal great! I get to freshen up my writing skills. XD

I live an hour away from the ocean and would definitely would LOVE to live closer. I might try to one day. I want a house boat. I love the smell of the ocean at night, and the beautiful nothingness you see when looking out into the ocean. Sometimes in puts in into a trance and it feel like I am the only thing out here in this world.. till I hear a car horn... but till then it feel great. XD

I hope you get a chance to live by the ocean one day. =D

B and I have been fighting a lot lately... and I hate it. I think we finally worked things out today. I've been having a very hard time telling him what's bothering me lately, mostly because I don't take myself seriously and I don't think what saying is legitimate. But today I finally told him how frustrated I am with myself, and how I feel like an emotional psychopath, and how I feel bad for hurting things between us... and it was good to talk to him about it. He's my best friend after all.

It doesn't help that a lot of times, it's hard to find time to have a serious conversation with him. He's ridiculously busy... poor guy got up at 6:00am yesterday for school and didn't get home from work until 3:00am. But I had a good talk with him this morning, and I'm glad because it's probably the only chance we would have had this weekend (he travels most weekends). I feel so much more controlled and emotionally stable. I just need to make sure I talk with him when I need to. Communication has always been a strong point in our relationship, and I don't want to lose that.

I was not prepared to spend $225 dollars on books today. For two and a half classes! Thank goodness I already have the rest taken care of! I know math and science majors have the most expensive books, but I think in the end it evens out. Ten $15 dollar books per class equates to one $150 book per class.

But it's my last time buying books! It makes graduation seem that much closer!

I was really good about food today.

Breakfast:

Breakfast burrito (one egg, one egg white, ketchup, tortilla)

Orange

Lunch:

Banana

Half of a six inch sub with chicken, cheese and mayo

Snacks:

100 calorie granola bar

Celery with a bit of peanut butter

Dinner:

Half of a six inch sub with chicken, cheese, and mayo

Carrot

I may eat a bit more. I am starting to feel hungry already. Well, it's ten o'clock, so maybe I could just go to sleep, but I didn't eat dinner until 9:15, so it might be good to have a little something else. It's been nice because I've been on break for school, so I can eat whenever I'm hungry... I don't have to worry about filling up or packing a snack or being hungry in class three hours later because I can eat on my own time.

I accidentally slept in and missed church. Lame.

I went to Wal-Mart last night and bought B a card that I'm going to send tomorrow. I've been very difficult to be around the past few days for whatever reason, and I really wanted to apologize. I mean, I apologized in person, of course, but I think there's something about going out of your way to make a gesture that really says, "I'm sorry, and I mean it." I couldn't choose between two cards so I got them both. I'll probably give him one for Valentine's Day. I've always wondered if the people who work at Wal-Mart pay attention to what the customers are buying and try to figure out why a customer is making such an odd purchase. If that's the case, I probably caused the work break discussions for the next week-- a girl coming in at one in the morning buying two "I love you" cards and two pounds of pre-packaged artificial crab meat.

He also called me last night before he went to sleep. He's traveling, and he usually either can't call or can only talk for a few minutes. And because we talked in the morning, I didn't figure he would call. I thought it was really sweet that after working things out in the morning he called at night just to chat. He just really showed me that things were okay, and that I was still his best friend. I'm so lucky to have him.

On another note, he wants to give me his extra ATM card so I can share his (our?) money, but I wouldn't feel comfortable pooling our funds until I have more than a 4-8 hour a week college job.

I am so glade to see you both had a nice talk.

I am sure that if you ask he would put some time aside for the both of you when ever you need it. Your man sounds like he can be reason with.

Also I know how expensive those books can be for math and science. XD

Can you buy a used book, usually they are cheaper, but I also understand there are just some books you can not buy used. >.

Also I know how expensive those books can be for math and science. XD

Can you buy a used book, usually they are cheaper, but I also understand there are just some books you can not buy used. >.

 

The crazy thing is that I did buy most of them used!

___________________

 

I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time today. I'd seen the beginning probably three times, but for some reason, it never held my interest. But this time, I stuck it out through the part that had lost me before, and I loved it. It was great. There's definitely a lot in that movie that works only through suspension of disbelief. And I was totally cool with that, except for in one case. The only thing that had me saying, "That doesn't make sense!" was that three 20-something year olds living in a society free of tuberculosis knew within the first ten minutes of the film that Satine had TB, and it came as a total surprise to her. Everyone knows that coughing up blood = tuberculosis. But other than that, it was a great movie.

 

My friend was swooning over Ewan McGregor's voice. All it made me think of was my fiance's gorgeous voice. I've now been inspired to listen to all of his songs on my computer again and to ask him to sing to me over the phone tonight. Luckiest girl ever!

I am so lucky.

I am marrying my first love and my best friend. He's seen me at my worst and still stood by side. He could have been the one that got away, but he stayed.

I started reading through the e-mails B and I sent back and forth when we "weren't allowed" to talk. The point was to remember some of the really kind and wonderful things he said to me that helped me through that hard time. Instead of doing that, it just brought back up all of the emotions I felt then. Within a few minutes, I found myself crying and very angry at my parents. Looks like I won't be reading those e-mails again for a long time...

My parents apologized, and for that I am so grateful, but sometimes I wish they hadn't apologized until I had a chance to stand up for myself and tell them off. I know that is a bit selfish, but before they apologized, I really needed to stand up for myself and reclaim my emotions from them. I think it would have given me confidence and strength. And confidence and strength are the two things I'm missing right now.

I think I just have to find them through a more complex way. I need to find confidence in my willing but firm forgiveness of them. I need to find the strength to forgive them for their mistakes when they wouldn't forgive me for mine. I need to act like an adult and gain confidence from my actions by refusing to stoop to the grudge-holding level that they did. People all make mistakes. What they did to me wasn't right, but as long as they are truly sorry (and I feel that they are), I should forgive them.

Things won't be completely okay for awhile, and things might never be the same. But they've finally given up their biases and are actually seeking to make things better. If I chose to hold on to my anger and treat them the way they treated me, my family might be torn apart forever. Now that we are both on the same page, we can all really begin to heal.

I've been eating well, and tomorrow I'm going to start exercising again. I've exercised some over the past month, but it needs to become a regular thing. I'm getting married in six months, after all, and I want to look and feel my best.

I have a love/hate relationship with exercise. There have been times in my life where I've worked out an hour and a half a day, no exceptions. And then there's times like the past six months or so where I'm basically a slug. I think my problem is that I really just don't like to run (which is what I did for years and years) or workout on machines, so the two most convenient options are out. I just need to come to terms with that fact that enjoyment is more important than convenience. Though I will continue to run some, I'm also going to start swimming again, which I love.

I've been doing a good job of eating a healthy diet lately, so once I add in exercise I know I will start feeling much better. It's just a matter of making a part of my daily routine.

I've been working out the past couple of days. It's been nice. It's a huge stress relief for me, and seeing how stressed I am already two days into the semester, it looks like I'll need it. But I finally got the courage to weigh myself. I was expecting to weigh about 150. Usually, when I slack off on exercise and don't watch what I eat (as I haven't been), I plateau around 150. I've also noticed my stomach and legs getting flabbier, so I thought I was pretty spot on in my estimate. But I stepped on the scale, and it said 140. I thought it was low, and that particular scale is notorious for being wrong... sometimes it's heavy, sometimes it's light. So I stepped onto the more accurate scale in the back and... 136! I was shocked. It's nice to know that I'm now working out to re-gain tone and get into shape as opposed to losing weight. I really don't like to weigh less than 130, or I start looking anorexic. I couldn't figure out why I was so light... muscle loss didn't seem like a good explanation for all of the weight. And then it hit me! I've been on medication for hypothyroidism for a month. And that often causes weight loss. For some reason (because I'm thin already, perhaps), I just wasn't expecting it.

I think I might audit one of my classes. I'm feeling very overwhelmed already. Whenever I tell my friends my schedule, they look at me with pity all over their faces. I've got a class that reads a novel a week, a class that is reading both Anna Karenina and Brothers Karamozov in addition to other shorter (sometimes still novel length) works, a class that is known campus-wide for being the most needlessly difficult class offered (stupid thing is required), a class that is as difficult as a graduate level seminar (and all the reading is in Middle English on top of that), and finally a relatively simple night class on English grammar. I want to take all the classes and learn all the material, but I just don't know if I can handle it.

On a better note, just about a week and a half till I get to see my fiance. He's my favorite.

I had a good talk with B today. He said he doesn't always respect me. I can't blame him, but it's hard to hear. We were able to talk about our expectations and hopes about how to work through this. I think we're either on the same page or are getting there.

I miss him. After talking with him, I just want to fall asleep next to him.

One side-effect of my thyroid medication can be irritability. I wonder if that's part of the reason I've been on edge lately. I have noticed myself being a lot more easily annoyed than I used to be.

I'm in the middle of Too Loud a Solitude by Bohumil Hrabal. It's a great book. I liked it from the first page, but loved it from about page 40. It's a short book, written by a Czechoslovakian author about a man who compacts waste paper for a living. In each of his bales of waste paper, he includes one masterpiece that he has previously rescued and read... Hegel, Aristotle, Nietzsche, and plenty of others. The writing is amazing.

It never ceased to amaze me, until suddenlty one day I felt beautiful and holy for having had the courage to hold on to my sanity after all I'd seen and been through, body and soul, in too loud a solitude, and sholy I came to the realization that my work was hurtling me headlong into an infinite field of omnipotence.

Of course, I'm reading a translation. Translations are always something I've found interesting. I have this idea of a work of art, but I know that it cannot be trusted completely. I know that despite the amazing artistic and linguistic abilities of the translator that the words I read are not the words written and do not touch the thoughts of the original author. But is reading something in the original language really that different? It's one step less removed, of course, but it is still removed. As a writer, I know that the things I think do not and cannot be accurately reflected on the page. The written word is a window into the divine, but it cannot connect you with the divine. It's up to your own mind to do that.

I'm so glad I chose to be an English major in college. I know that I went to college and that I chose a major that would not train me for a job. However, it did train me how to think, it did give me passion, it did bring to a place where I can be overwhelmed by the beauty of the world and of art and of literature and feel at home there instead of like a visitor.

My computer has been broken the past few days. It still is, actually. I'm going to have to send it in to get fixed which will be a royal pain. Ah well.

I've been going through a good spell. I've been working out which always makes me feel better. I haven't been eating that great... I always overeat in the evenings. And I've been reading. A lot. It's not like I really have a choice in the matter. Things have been getting steadily better with B. That's one of the things I love about him-- we can go through hard times and argue, but he is so willing to move past it and go back to the simplicity of being best friends who care more about each other than anything else.

He had a dream last night that he almost left me for his ex... I don't know why he tells me these things. It makes him feel better to let me know, I think. I think he'd feel guilty if he kept that kind of thing a secret. I wouldn't mind if he didn't tell me (in fact, I'd probably prefer he just didn't mention it), but if he feels it's important to tell, I can listen.

The hardest part of his past for me to accept is her. She treated him so badly and caused him so much pain... he never deserved that kind of pain. And he kept going back to her and getting hurt again. I just hate to think about what he went through time and time again. I hate that she held his heart for so long when she never deserved it. I know it's silly and it's in the past and it doesn't matter... but he is so great, and so many of his doubts and fears come from her, simply because she was so incapable of treating him like he deserved.

I'm sick of one of my classes already. It's a gen ed class reserved for seniors... the concept is that we come up with policies to fix the world, basically. In 80 minutes, we are supposed to have a policy that will reduce greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. The class is pointless. I know how to come up with an argument. I'm an English major... it's all I've done for three and a half years. And policies are basically just practical theses, supported with evidence and argued well. The class lectures are awful. An actual outline point was "Increased pollution is bad." No kidding. In addition, we have learned that oil is a non-renewable resource and that the US government embraces federalism. Most of the work is group work (and though I am blessed with a good group, the concept is unfair), and the grades are very subjective, as there are about seven subjective "discussion group leaders" who hand out grades to different people (again, I got lucky with my discussion group leader, but the concept is still unfair!).

It's a waste of my time. I'd rather be doing something worthwhile.

I got to see B tonight. I just got to hang out with him for an hour or so because he's here with his music group, but it was great to just get to see him again. I hugged him and all my stress, worry and exhaustion just melted away. He is my strength, even when he's not around, but physically being in his presence just gives me that much more strength.

I can't wait to be with him forever. I can't wait for the time when I won't have to say goodbye to him any more. I can't wait to start my life with him. I know I'll sleep well tonight because I got to simply hug him and see him tonight. I love that man.

I haven't posted in awhile. I have been insanely busy. School is going crazy, but I guess that's what I get for choosing to take five upper-division classes, two of them notorious for their difficulty.

I've been struggling, though, because of the stress. I am so ready to be done with school. As much as I have loved my college and my professors and my classmates, I am ready to be done for awhile. I can't wait to have a job that I don't have to stress about over the weekend. My main problem with stress is my inability to compartmentalize. I have been stressed about school, and that bleeds into every aspect of my life. I find myself questioning my relationship with B and worrying about our future together. And it's hard to know if that is legitimate (though I have no real reason to be doubting) or if it is just a product of stress. I've been feeling disconnected from him, and again, I don't know if my stress is causing me to isolate myself or if there is some cause for it.

I don't want to mention it to him. He has this fear that I'm going to break up with him, and I know that if I mention doubts, he begin to worry that I will leave him. Even though I know that his insecurities cannot be my responsibility, I hate saying things to him when I know they will upset him. On top of that, and I know this will sound terrible, we don't have the time to have issues right now. I am drowning in my coursework, and he is possibly busier than I am, all with things that he cannot drop or that I would never expect or ask him to drop.

I'm overwhelmed. I need time to de-stress, and I don't have that. Any time I spend relaxing is not really relaxing at all because I spend the whole time feeling guilty that I'm not doing homework. I only just finished the third week of the semester. I have no idea how I'm going to make it to graduation...