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Thread: My boyfriend watches porn instead of having sex with me - what do I do?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2010

    My boyfriend watches porn instead of having sex with me - what do I do?

    I am absolutely sick about this.

    Let me start at the beginning...

    My boyfriend has had issues with sex from the beginning of our relationship. He is an otherwise healthy 26-year old, but has erectile dysfunction and a decreased libido. I do think this is weird. That is the age for male sexual prime. He denies any history of sexual abuse. But I think his issues are emotional, not physical. He can get an keep an erection very easily, it just depends on the situation. He doesn't go soft when he's getting a blow job, or masturbating, only during intercourse.

    He has always been inconsistent in what he tells me about his ability to have sex. Early on in our relationship, he would make excuses for why he wouldn't want sex very often or why he'd stop in the middle of sex - "I'm nauseated, I have a headache, I'm dizzy . . ." I knew there was a problem. I was crying all of the time, feeling unwanted, and not knowing what was wrong. He finally told me about the erectile dysfunction, but always maintained he had a strong sex drive, he just physically couldn't do it as much as he wanted. He said I turned him on, and that he wanted me, he just couldn't.

    Finally, when he went to the doctor for something else, he got a free sample of Viagra. He used it and it worked so well. The thing is, he still wouldn't have sex with me any more even with that in his system. And he wouldn't take them. He took maybe 1 a month. He had another free sample that he needed to take to the pharmacy to be filled, and he never did. He left it for 6 months until it expired, and I told him about it and told him that it was important to me. He never asked his doctor to write him a prescription. When I confronted him, he said it was too expensive. I asked him if he had even asked his insurance company how much it cost, and he never did. He never tried. This said a great deal to me.

    We've had so many issues/fights lately about this. He'll tell me he wants to have sex with me, start touching me and getting me all worked up, then stop abruptly, and just roll over (or various versions of this). I always cry and get upset, and he can't handle that I'm crying. He says I make him feel like he's not enough of a man, and that I don't understand his issues. He says he just doesn't have the same libido that I do, and that he can't do it as much as I want. He says he doesn't even get the urge for sex for 3-4 days, and that I want it multiple times a day, and we are incompatible in that way. No compromise or solution is ever offered. He says I put too much pressure on him because he knows I want it more than he can give it to me, which makes it harder for him. Oh, and he says he's too tired a lot, too. That is another common excuse. He doesn't want to have sex in the morning because he wants to get up out of bed, and he doesn't want to have sex at night because he just got off of work. It's always something.

    We started to resolve our issues lately after many discussions about this. We talked about our sides of the story. He reassured me how he feels about me. We realized that most of the problem was that I was interpreting his actions as him not desiring me, and it was heartbreaking, because we are in love. He means the world to me. He just told me that his physical desire and ability made it impossible, and so his actions had nothing to do with how he feels about me. This made me feel better about that whole thing. Until...

    Until one day he left his computer with me to look at a recipe, and I started looking up gross images to put on his browser as a joke when he got his computer back (I know, I'm a dork). I changed my mind, and tried to clear my searches. I went into his history to make sure it worked, and I saw some porn viewing in there. I didn't think much of it - I don't care if he watches porn. I work nights, so I figured it was while I was at work. But it piqued my curiosity. So I looked again. I've done it maybe three or four times since then, for no reason other than to see about the porn. I feel so guilty about it. He has always been honest with me (or so I thought), and it makes me sick that I've done this to him.

    What I've learned, though, is that he's been watching porn a lot. When I'm home and when I'm not. He's been watching porn and then getting into the shower (where he masturbates), and then denying me sex saying he's not in the mood ever. I know this because we use our computers a lot together, so I can tell WHEN he was watching the porn based on how it's spaced out with everything else. Examples:

    1) Yesterday. He got a blow job in the morning because he asked for one, even though he knew I wanted to have sex. Then later in the day he did something for me after I asked him, which wasn't sex either. He had an erection throughout the process but wouldn't participate. I kept trying to hint to him that night, and he said "I'm not in the mood." A while later, he went into the room next to our bedroom to watch tv. I discovered that during that period of maybe an hour, he was watching porn. That was the first time we'd been apart in 48 hours, and the first thing he did was watch porn. Then the next morning I had to go to an appointment, and he had his son staying the weekend. I can only assume that while his son was in the shower, he watched quite a bit of porn and then probably masturbated during his shower. I was only gone for 2.5 hours and he was once again doing this.
    2) Last week he woke up early. Sometimes he wakes up early, watches porn out of boredom, and then wakes me up to finish the process. He's admitted this to me. But this time, he watched porn and then jumped into the shower. He didn't wake me, even though he knows that's my favorite way to be woken up.
    3) A few weeks ago we were having sex and ended up stopping before either of us finished. He immediately went into the other room with his computer, and about half hour later went towards the shower. I asked why he was taking a shower (he just had his morning shower a few hours ago), and he said it was because HE WAS COLD. He was in there forever and I heard a bottle opening multiple times. You don't open bottles to RE-wash in the shower if you are taking a shower because you are cold. I looked at his history later and saw that he had indeed watched porn right before this. Later that night, I told him I wanted to have sex since we didn't finish earlier. He told me he wanted to. Then he unenthusiastically touched me and wouldn't even try for sex, didn't even get an erection, and told me he was too tired. I went into the other room to cry for an hour because he made me feel so unwanted and embarrassed.

    After the above example, days later, we had a fight about our sex issues. I brought up how the whole thing made me feel. I told him I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want sex - he had been hornier earlier, why wasn't he still then? He wanted sex earlier, why not that night? Of course, I knew he masturbated. I wanted him to tell me that. If he told me, I'd be OK! But he just kept making excuses and blaming me. What could I do? Tell him I knew he was lying because I looked through his browser history without his permission?

    I feel SO horrible for invading his privacy this way. I genuinely wish I could take it back. Now the problem is I know what he's been doing. I've been infuriated about it. I know so many times he's lied to me. I know he's literally watching porn every opportunity he gets when I'm away. If we're together for days - it's the hour I'm in the shower and getting ready. If I'm at work - it's every single night I'm working. He's looking every day. He as that desire every day. He tells me he has limited sexual desire. He is masturbating when I am home and wanting to have sex with him. I've told him I'll do anything with him, too, not just intercourse. I'll give him a blowjob, help him masturbate, whatever he wants. And he still chooses to masturbate, and then with me, pretend he's too tired or has no desire.

    Yesterday when we were talking about him masturbating when I'm not home (which I am ok with, and even encourage), and I asked him very calmly and non-confrontationally if he ever did it when I was home. He said no. He looked in my eyes and said no. I knew he was lying, but I couldn't say anything.

    What do I do!? If I tell him how I've betrayed him, he won't trust me anymore. He would definitely have the right to be mad, but I am obviously going to implicate myself. If I don't tell him what I've done, I have to live knowing what he's doing and not say anything even when I know he's lying. I have been having emotional breakdowns, feeling so ugly and unwanted and disrespected. Knowing this is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. And I know so many of you will chastise me for doing what I've done, and I deserve it. But many of you will also tell me that my boyfriend is a piece of * * * * and that I deserve better and bla bla dump him. But as hard as it might be to understand, given everything I've said, I love him, and I know he loves me. We are a really good match, and there is something special when he are together. He is so good to me in every other way. But this is a huge, real problem. I'm at a loss.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Ascending's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    North America
    I'm 20 years old, and I pretty much sound like your boyfriend too. God, it's embarrassing. Maybe you'll get something out of hearing from my side of the story.

    I'm very fit, and I eat healthy food often. I'm average size, average girth when I masturbate. When I'm going at my pace, uninterrupted without any pressure or anything like that, I'm fine and it feels good and I get the job done promptly. But for some reason, maybe lack of libido or erectile dysfunction or the pressure of sex, I just can't get it up completely and usually it won't be hard enough to penetrate. Seriously, it's embarrassing as hell and it must be a huge disappointment to my girlfriend because I get her really hot and into the mood with foreplay.

    To be honest, I want to stay away from sex until I can figure out a solution to my problem. Maybe it's a lack of testosterone? I don't know. I wish I could find a natural cure for it. Maybe it was cause I masturbated too often. Maybe it's cause I'm circumsized and the feeling isn't there. I don't know what it is but it's embarrassing because she's not seeing me for the real me. Whenever I get a blow job, I get slightly harder but never hard enough to do anything about it, and I keep thinking to myself "pump pump pump" or something to try and get it up there.

    I wouldn't want to tell my girlfriend I masturbate either, I mean what an insult that would be. I have told her that before I met her, I practiced celibacy. I had left a very painful break up and I cursed myself never to get with a woman ever again as a form of punishment and from that I practiced celibacy for a couple of months. Yeah, it sounds pretty intense doesn't it. Honestly though, I don't need sex and I can be in a relationship without it.

    I was thinking of using some kind of supplement or something like that as well to help me get it harder, but I'm a little too shy to look into that or order it and keep it around where my parents might see it or have to pick it up at a drug store. Really, I don't know why I'm like that, it just really sucks and I am very healthy too so it makes no sense to me.

  3. #3
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    The erectile dysfunction is from the porn. He has an addiction problem with the porn and his penis is massively desensitized to the touch of a vagina or perhaps anything outside of his own hands. You need to talk to him about this. Ignoring it will mean you will never have a healthy sex life and it will lead to resentment in the long run.

    It happens a hell of a lot.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Do you really want to stay in a relationship like this?

    Since you're not married I think you should start over. Do you want this to be your ever after?

    It doesn't seem like this is a relationship that's going to work out. If he doesn't want to sleep with you....
    He's making up excuses explaining why he can't sleep with you...he's lying to you, and you're stressed out. Is it really worth it?

    I was in a similar situation. My ex was like that. He had a boyfriend on the side, and despite his cheating I stayed with him. I was like you, sad, depressed, feeling rejected because he didn't want to sleep with me. But I stayed, I wanted to work it out, regardless, because I loved him.

    If he wouldn't have come to his senses and dumped me I would probably be in a living hell right now.

    So it's probably best to let him go.

    I totally sympathize with you though; I understand.


  6. #5
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Dump this guy. He has serious issues that aren't going to get any better without professional help.

    He is a porn addict and he has taken himself out of the gene pool and will end up alone with his hand without professional help.

    It is a sad state of affairs these days with all these young guys ruining their sex lives with porn.

  7. #6
    I nearly cried when I read your post. I am going through a very similar experience with my boyfriend and it is tearing me apart. I wanted you to know you aren't the only one going through this and I was also wondering if you have spoken with him about this yet and what the outcome was as I am having serious difficulty dealing with my problems?

    In my case, and almost certainly in yours, the erectile dysfunction is a cause of massive depression and anxiety in my boyfriend (which in turn contributes to the problem), making it something very difficult to just talk about. He gets angry and defensive or incredibly embarrassed and depressed. I obviously don't want to make him feel like that so it's a difficult subject to broach. He also feels guilty about making me feel unattractive as he's not stupid and can see that that's what's happening. A lot of people who post things like 'just dump him' or 'tell him to stop watching porn' don't really get that - you wouldn't tell someone to dump their partner if they were suffering from serious depression or somesuch, and this is no different.

    When I'm thinking about it rationally I can see quite easily that he's probably watching the porn because he knows that he can get an erection and orgasm like that whereas his anxieties prevent him from doing that with me. It must provide some sort of emotional relief from the anguish of erectile dysfunction in real sexual situations for him to know that, even if it is only when he masturbates, it all still works. However, I can't always be rational about it and it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive, rejected, and even betrayed, and I start behaving in ways I don't like, such as being paranoid and checking his computer.

    In every other way we are a perfect couple and I don't want to lose that or to abandon him while he is struggling with this issue. I am trying to stand by him and work out ways for things to improve but I don't know how without getting him to see a doctor, which at the moment he won't.

    I hope things work out for you.

  8. #7
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    OP your boyfriend is addicted to porn like someone else said. he doesnt have erectile disfunction, his penis wont perform normally because he masturbates more than is healthy.

    I masturbate almost every day and I still have the desire to sleep with my girlfriend. I dated a girl who did this same stuff (different reason) except we had a great sex life for awhile and then it just stopped.

    I held on out of my feelings for her trying so many things but nothing worked. I think your boyfriend not making an effort with the viagra says more about him than his erectile disfunction. he sees that this is killing you yet he does little about it.

    Id say dump him. sex isnt everthing but its important. its the most basic level of attraction and intimacy and helps keep a relationship healthy and the partners feeling desired. he probably wont change, dont take on his baggage

  9. #8

    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Well, I read this post because im having the exact same problem with my boyfriend right now. Im not going to tell you to break up with him because I know how it is. Its more than something you can just drop because of (one) slip up. But you should tell him you know. Tell him the truth. Say exactly what happened:
    Originally Posted by Mangue

    one day he left his computer with me to look at a recipe, and I started looking up gross images to put on his browser as a joke when he got his computer back. I changed my mind, and tried to clear my searches. I went into his history to make sure it worked, and I saw some porn viewing in there.
    But also let him know you are NOT mad he is watching porn and that he shouldnt be ashamed of it.

    Thats what I did, it wont help solve the problem of him choosing porn over you, I only wish I knew how to fix that problem. But it will get rid of the guilt you feel about looking up his history. It will also let him know that you know about it.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Could I suggest that when you're wanting it, you start masturbating or using a vibrator on yourself. Make plenty of noise and appear really into it. A good time to do it would also include when he heads off to masturbate, or is away doing it (you'll be making enough noise).

    If that can't get him between your legs, then he needs help.

  11. #10

    I'm going through this and it hurts

    I'm going through this same problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for a year and only had sex 4 times. It was within the first week of meeting aand since then we haven't even kissed intimatly. We now live together and I feel so rejected. I'm very attractive and don't understand why he doesn't want to even touch me. He says he wants to get married and loves me but that he is too depressed to have sex. If I try and make a move towards him he blocks it, if I dress sexy, he will act like a 5th grader and make some dumb comment. I leave the house with the same outfit and I'm not kidding, menstop in their tracks. I recently got our cable bill and he has been watching porn. He says it wasn't. Him, there is no one else. I love him, but feel rejected and can't help question if he is cheating on me and can't have a sexual relationship with the person he is with. I get so frustrated I have been on the vergge several times of kicking him out. He refuses help and gets defensive and makes it out like I'm a pervert and that sex shouldn't be important. Sad and wondering what I should do.

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