I am absolutely sick about this.
Let me start at the beginning...
My boyfriend has had issues with sex from the beginning of our relationship. He is an otherwise healthy 26-year old, but has erectile dysfunction and a decreased libido. I do think this is weird. That is the age for male sexual prime. He denies any history of sexual abuse. But I think his issues are emotional, not physical. He can get an keep an erection very easily, it just depends on the situation. He doesn't go soft when he's getting a blow job, or masturbating, only during intercourse.
He has always been inconsistent in what he tells me about his ability to have sex. Early on in our relationship, he would make excuses for why he wouldn't want sex very often or why he'd stop in the middle of sex - "I'm nauseated, I have a headache, I'm dizzy . . ." I knew there was a problem. I was crying all of the time, feeling unwanted, and not knowing what was wrong. He finally told me about the erectile dysfunction, but always maintained he had a strong sex drive, he just physically couldn't do it as much as he wanted. He said I turned him on, and that he wanted me, he just couldn't.
Finally, when he went to the doctor for something else, he got a free sample of Viagra. He used it and it worked so well. The thing is, he still wouldn't have sex with me any more even with that in his system. And he wouldn't take them. He took maybe 1 a month. He had another free sample that he needed to take to the pharmacy to be filled, and he never did. He left it for 6 months until it expired, and I told him about it and told him that it was important to me. He never asked his doctor to write him a prescription. When I confronted him, he said it was too expensive. I asked him if he had even asked his insurance company how much it cost, and he never did. He never tried. This said a great deal to me.
We've had so many issues/fights lately about this. He'll tell me he wants to have sex with me, start touching me and getting me all worked up, then stop abruptly, and just roll over (or various versions of this). I always cry and get upset, and he can't handle that I'm crying. He says I make him feel like he's not enough of a man, and that I don't understand his issues. He says he just doesn't have the same libido that I do, and that he can't do it as much as I want. He says he doesn't even get the urge for sex for 3-4 days, and that I want it multiple times a day, and we are incompatible in that way. No compromise or solution is ever offered. He says I put too much pressure on him because he knows I want it more than he can give it to me, which makes it harder for him. Oh, and he says he's too tired a lot, too. That is another common excuse. He doesn't want to have sex in the morning because he wants to get up out of bed, and he doesn't want to have sex at night because he just got off of work. It's always something.
We started to resolve our issues lately after many discussions about this. We talked about our sides of the story. He reassured me how he feels about me. We realized that most of the problem was that I was interpreting his actions as him not desiring me, and it was heartbreaking, because we are in love. He means the world to me. He just told me that his physical desire and ability made it impossible, and so his actions had nothing to do with how he feels about me. This made me feel better about that whole thing. Until...
Until one day he left his computer with me to look at a recipe, and I started looking up gross images to put on his browser as a joke when he got his computer back (I know, I'm a dork). I changed my mind, and tried to clear my searches. I went into his history to make sure it worked, and I saw some porn viewing in there. I didn't think much of it - I don't care if he watches porn. I work nights, so I figured it was while I was at work. But it piqued my curiosity. So I looked again. I've done it maybe three or four times since then, for no reason other than to see about the porn. I feel so guilty about it. He has always been honest with me (or so I thought), and it makes me sick that I've done this to him.
What I've learned, though, is that he's been watching porn a lot. When I'm home and when I'm not. He's been watching porn and then getting into the shower (where he masturbates), and then denying me sex saying he's not in the mood ever. I know this because we use our computers a lot together, so I can tell WHEN he was watching the porn based on how it's spaced out with everything else. Examples:
1) Yesterday. He got a blow job in the morning because he asked for one, even though he knew I wanted to have sex. Then later in the day he did something for me after I asked him, which wasn't sex either. He had an erection throughout the process but wouldn't participate. I kept trying to hint to him that night, and he said "I'm not in the mood." A while later, he went into the room next to our bedroom to watch tv. I discovered that during that period of maybe an hour, he was watching porn. That was the first time we'd been apart in 48 hours, and the first thing he did was watch porn. Then the next morning I had to go to an appointment, and he had his son staying the weekend. I can only assume that while his son was in the shower, he watched quite a bit of porn and then probably masturbated during his shower. I was only gone for 2.5 hours and he was once again doing this.
2) Last week he woke up early. Sometimes he wakes up early, watches porn out of boredom, and then wakes me up to finish the process. He's admitted this to me. But this time, he watched porn and then jumped into the shower. He didn't wake me, even though he knows that's my favorite way to be woken up.
3) A few weeks ago we were having sex and ended up stopping before either of us finished. He immediately went into the other room with his computer, and about half hour later went towards the shower. I asked why he was taking a shower (he just had his morning shower a few hours ago), and he said it was because HE WAS COLD. He was in there forever and I heard a bottle opening multiple times. You don't open bottles to RE-wash in the shower if you are taking a shower because you are cold. I looked at his history later and saw that he had indeed watched porn right before this. Later that night, I told him I wanted to have sex since we didn't finish earlier. He told me he wanted to. Then he unenthusiastically touched me and wouldn't even try for sex, didn't even get an erection, and told me he was too tired. I went into the other room to cry for an hour because he made me feel so unwanted and embarrassed.
After the above example, days later, we had a fight about our sex issues. I brought up how the whole thing made me feel. I told him I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want sex - he had been hornier earlier, why wasn't he still then? He wanted sex earlier, why not that night? Of course, I knew he masturbated. I wanted him to tell me that. If he told me, I'd be OK! But he just kept making excuses and blaming me. What could I do? Tell him I knew he was lying because I looked through his browser history without his permission?
I feel SO horrible for invading his privacy this way. I genuinely wish I could take it back. Now the problem is I know what he's been doing. I've been infuriated about it. I know so many times he's lied to me. I know he's literally watching porn every opportunity he gets when I'm away. If we're together for days - it's the hour I'm in the shower and getting ready. If I'm at work - it's every single night I'm working. He's looking every day. He as that desire every day. He tells me he has limited sexual desire. He is masturbating when I am home and wanting to have sex with him. I've told him I'll do anything with him, too, not just intercourse. I'll give him a blowjob, help him masturbate, whatever he wants. And he still chooses to masturbate, and then with me, pretend he's too tired or has no desire.
Yesterday when we were talking about him masturbating when I'm not home (which I am ok with, and even encourage), and I asked him very calmly and non-confrontationally if he ever did it when I was home. He said no. He looked in my eyes and said no. I knew he was lying, but I couldn't say anything.
What do I do!? If I tell him how I've betrayed him, he won't trust me anymore. He would definitely have the right to be mad, but I am obviously going to implicate myself. If I don't tell him what I've done, I have to live knowing what he's doing and not say anything even when I know he's lying. I have been having emotional breakdowns, feeling so ugly and unwanted and disrespected. Knowing this is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. And I know so many of you will chastise me for doing what I've done, and I deserve it. But many of you will also tell me that my boyfriend is a piece of * * * * and that I deserve better and bla bla dump him. But as hard as it might be to understand, given everything I've said, I love him, and I know he loves me. We are a really good match, and there is something special when he are together. He is so good to me in every other way. But this is a huge, real problem. I'm at a loss.